salmonberrycider

[salmonberrycider]

Lol Muther Focking me. Jesus. So it was Tetra’s birthday party this last saturday and we had a very small todo at The State Finals. All was fun we drank and had a good time. I got a bit drunker than I had originally intended but woops, I ended up making out with Roark for a minute. He had said earlier in the evening that he’d be down to smooch me if I was into that, then late her took it back and then we were sitting on the couch and we were talking and then I was like uh oh are we uh doing this? and we smooched, I established myself as a more toppy kinda person than roark had apparently Thought I’d be, ahaha. but then I ran off to get a drink of water and like think for a minute. roark eventually came in and was like come up to my room, with some persistence i eventually said ok. After we lay there for a bit I said I had to pee and ran off to tetra’s room and then ran off down stairs and slept ont he couch. We had been drinking, we’re both lonely it like kinda made sense? but idk. maybe I just know him too well. Maybe I really am a lot more gay than I thought. I didn’t feel this weird when I made out with trisha. but bother roark and adam (cause they’re already my friends maybe?) but they both just felt wrong like it just didn’t feel right. I felt so weird. like immediately I felt like I couldn’t say no like right away i fell into the patterns of abuse that a hetero relationship can be. I want this non cis non male energy. and like the guy vibes are maybe negotiable but i think more and more masculinity just isn’t my vibe. I feels sluggish and stale and just wrong in my hands and on my lips. I even felt that with ezra, with male ness this boy ness. a feeling that just doesn’t work for me. But it’s so disappointing because I miss touch feeling wanted is amazing but when it comes from these cis men, men that i would trust with my life even, it feels so dangerous and to make me nauseous. is it just avoidant behaviour because of my last male relationships or is it actually my sexuality trying to make sense of my actions. or fuck am i just god damn messed up and will never know?

[salmonberrycider]

I feel lonely these days, in  a deep place in my chest. just empty a bit. when I’m with loved ones it goes away for a while but lately it has been creeping back into my mind even in those joyful times. 

I miss being touched, being caressed and loved, just gently brushed against. having someone else thinking of you, making you treats buying little gifts. just small inconsequential things. someone to lift me up and be amazed by me but also someone to hold me accountable and kick my butt into gear when i need it. I miss a partner. someone to go on adventures with and kiss in the sunset. 

I was kissed by a friend of mine recently, adam, apparently he had his wife have some sort of understanding theoretically. and for having all these wants it really surprised me, I had zero interest, like yes his hand on my hip was nice but it was almost like hugging a brother? I felt no romantic feelings at all. and I miss those feelings, butterflies and giggles, I miss being scared and excited about another humans body touching mine, I’ve also been more preoccupied with the feeling of other humans against myself too. when I hug people goodbye now I wait to feel their bodies against mine. People talk about being touch starved like you want to gobble the other people up, but i worry at this rate if i were to even try to fill myself up with someone that my body would reject it. too much too fast, have to start out with softness and slowly too. but god there’s gonna be a point that I’m gonna want someone to yank my hair and push my down and i want us to be trapped in a room for hours just devouring each other. but I don’t know how to reconcile those feelings. of softness and of ravenous hunger. 

[salmonberrycider]

A few days ago I stared out to sea while holding and old friends hand and wept as the infinity and singularity of life washed over me. Watching wave upon wave roll up onto the sand made me think of how terribly long these waves have been crashing against the show and how terribly short our tiny lives are. what a bizarre twist of life that out soggy bag of bones happens to hold within it all these feelings of pain and joy love and lose. it’s truly just too overwhelming sometimes to keep track of. it’s reminders and worries that this that keep my gaze unfocused and on that seaward horizon. Our cat Mr. Gray who i got from the last boyfriend I ever hope to have, also the one he had sex with me while i slept and cheated on me with my then best friend lol, he is now nearing the end of his life so it would seem. getting older and slower and so so skinny. why is it when dreatures near the end of themselves that they begin to wither. like a plant i suppose, everything fades and it’s not often that that fading happens to a plump and primed body, at least not without help. 

Any time mortality comes up i just get so wrapped up in the complete horror of the limited time my beautiful family has on this earth. how desperately I wish them to stay afloat on this raft of life. the loss and miss I will endure when those times come is truly too staggering and horrific to even contemplate. and yet I do. and I get trapped in these whirls of sadness. I really do miss being younger and not knowing of such things as loss and heart ache.

[salmonberrycider]

There was an attempted coup today and I just went to work.

In what should have been an average congressional session, where they counted up the electoral votes for president, all hell broke lose. MAGA ass hats stormed the capital building, smashing windows, looting inside the halls of congress, breaking into private chambers and even commiting mail fraud. One woman was shot and died. The national guard was called out about an hour after they had already been inside of the building. The way the cops and guards treated these terrorists compared to how they treat the BLM protesters was unsurprisingly disperate. fucking unreal but absolutely imaginable.  All this transpired while I had to make breakfast and lunch and then go to work to take care of small children. lol all without a phone too. (I washed mine in the laundry on accident and it’s taking forever to come.)

I feel so numb, so isolated. all this happening while the fucking pandemic is still raging. it’s truly remarkable. it really does feel like the collapse of a nation. because it is. Biden isn’t going to change that. we have looked behind the curtain (one which non-white americans have been telling us about for centuries) and we have seen the wizard of Oz is just a greedy old man.  I’m so so fucking exhausted. for some reason it translates into my body as nausea and fatigue. I mean, if we can’t even keep our damn country together how am i expected to do the dishes and make it to work? I just want to lay in bed and cry.  The isolation aspect of it too has really been getting to me lately. Like I feel so alone in bed, not even able to sob into someones shoulder, to hold someone close. fucking dreadful. My heart just aches, for me, for the country, for so many dead. I just... In some ways I wish we would just do it. just fucking take the plunge. People will die, we already are, but it might as well be fucking for a reason instead of this constant collateral damage. If I’m gonna be killed by my government I want it to be outright. 

[salmonberrycider]

i wonder sometimes...

If not being here would be easier. not just at my parents house, who i love and appreciate very much for letting me shelter here while the world collapses, while i still pay for my apartment. It just... I just wonder if it would be easier to cease to exist. And I mean obviously the answer is yes. It would be infinitely easier to not feel the pain and grief that come with living, the overwhelming feeling of disappointing everyone. but supposedly there are also the beautiful things. grass underfoot, bees buzzing, a girls lips, stars, whispers, laughs late into the night, fires with friends, shared glances over the dinner table. these things are so tiny and so precious. but i lose them sometimes and I don’t know how to get them back. i feel alone. even with my loved ones. I’m still alone. and i’m learning more and more how to be happy in that how to live it and sit in the space of slack, the silences in between.  I just worry that I’ll never actually find my way out of it. and idk if i can face being alone for the rest of my life, which i know is a long time, but damn its a long time to have to focus on what i want, and what i wish to do. I’ve spent most all my life doing what people think i should do i’m not sure i even know how to figure out what i want. I want to be indepentant but i don’t want to lose my family connectedness. i want to be single and ok with that but I also want to find someone that lifts me up and makes me better instead of always having a project person to lift up and fix up and love up. I want some one to protect me. because i’m so tired

[salmonberrycider]

I’m so angry and so horny

I am so fucking angry and sad about the state of the fucking world. and the most sickening part of it is that it’s not new. none of this disgusting behavior by white fucking people is new, it’s hundreds if not centuries of years old. And it’s fucking horrible. treating other human beings as expendable is lower than low. to place yourself in a category higher than another human purely base on the color of their skin!??!?! fucking atrocious. And then layer on top of all of that (which has always been here it’s just now white people are choosing to see it) we are trapped in a fucking quarantine. which don’t get me wrong I generally approve of. and apparently i understand it more than my parents do, even though their the ones fretting about protesting the most. It’s disgraceful. the way we bend our realities to suit our own whims and designs. I don’t like or understand this... so it must not be reality. how self centered and fucking insane do we have to be as a group to not fucking get that? And then tied up in all of these things is that with quarantine comes isolation and with isolation comes the intense inward delving. Hiding away and gnawing away at the self. It creates this bubbling tension that I don’t know how to deal with. I want to fight or I want to fuck. I miss the feeling of a human body against my own. and honestly at this point I don’t care if it’s sparing or spooning. I want to be made out of breath by someone. I want the physical exertion that comes with intense and fast long sex. or that comes from spending an hour in a boxing ring. I want to feel touch, if it’s a slap or a caress it does not fucking matter to me. everything is so entirely overwhelming. I think that’s why the act of marching feels so cathartic. walking is achievable. I can walk. I personally can march my way from point a to point b and i can do it while screaming. then i can fucking walk back. I can’t however single handedly solve this this mess of a world. I want to pay penense with my body for all the harm done to bodies less privilaged than mine.

[salmonberrycider]

Who I want to be

How do you become who I want to be?

Apparently it’s by doing what the person I want to be would do.

If i want to be a healthier person: What would a healthy person do?

They would eat vegetarian mostly, they would do yoga and hand stands and pushups. I guess to do the thing you have to do it. stupid really, what other option could there possibly be. It all just seems so obvious. and yet why can’t i fucking do it. 

Secretly what are the things I really want? To be attractive, beautiful: skinny. To be loved, by someone that I actually love back. To have my heart stop hurting every fucking moment I’m awake and some moments that I’m not?I want to quiet the anxiety in my head, I want to drink a fucking cider at a gay bar across the table from a beautiful funny girl and talk late into the night and then end up going back to a bedroom together and calling into work the next morning so we can spend the whole day in bed and then hiking and then showering and kissing and touching and feeling beautiful together. I want to be with someone that makes me better. I’ve spent my whole love life being with fixer uppers. Being with beautiful broken fucked up people that break my heart to smithereens . I want someone that lifts me up teaches me new things but doesn’t treat me like a child. I want a partner... truly. An equal in love and spirit. I just want to find someone that fucking knows what they want and have me be a part of that

[salmonberrycider]

Do you sometimes wonder how real your queerness is?

I feel like sometimes I must be lying to myself and the world. that I’m not actually queer at all. Not non-bianary, not lesbian or pan. What if all along I’m just a lier and I just want to belong in a group of people amazing caring people because I wish to be those things. 

[salmonberrycider]

Night in the streets

Second night of the protest and my ex who i was trying to be friends with again, and who i was gonna walk with, decided out of no where with no communication that she didn’t want to go with me. which was fine, luckily i had another friend to go with so it worked out. and of course that’s her choice and I don’t begrudge it. The protest itself was really good, electric, amazing and humbling. A Portland BLM protest smells like sage and cigarettes and sweat. It’s intoxicating. The first night I went 9/3 2020 was amazing the huge crowd the love the weeping. everything was filled to the brim and over flowing. Watching a black man crumble to the ground after shouting George Floyd’s name and weeping openly in the streets. every single hand near by reached out to touch this perfect man, he was a conduit of such pain and suffering. This movement is right and good and It needs to be heard. Idk how many more nights I can go out. My sister is graduating college on the 20th of this month and i want to be able to be there. But it will mean not attending the rallies anymore. And idk how to not participate. 

[salmonberrycider]

Secret Tumblr to scream into the void

I figured it’s time to pretend like i can journal reliably and so I’m making a semi secret tumblr page to write things out and figure out what the fuck is going on. in my life, my heart, my brain. All that fun shit. so lol lets go!