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gee I wonder why third world nations would prefer better relationships with China, since the US is so friendly and understanding and the neoliberal model has brought us so much prosperity

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all that's been lost

pairing: joel miller x platonic!f!reader

summary: when you first met joel, you had known you were using him to fill the father-shaped void in your life. but as he became the first real father you've ever known, you never realised that you were only ever playing for second best.

warnings: angst, mention of drugs, father issues, mention of death

a/n: unfortunately ellie does not exist in this :P ending is rushed, i haven't written in literally forever leave me alone im rusty ok

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

The house was cold and dark, deprived of all the warmth it had contained mere hours ago. You were the sole inhabitant.

You knew that once you believed that if you walked across the road, you would be met with the warmth you craved, the kind that wasn't founded in temperature or even a kind demeanour, but the kind where you knew you belonged somewhere, where you felt your toes and fingers unfreeze in the company of someone you knew had your back, who would lay flowers at your grave and mourn your death. Once you had believed there would always be a place for you by his side.

Jackson wasn't home for you by any means, but it had been something. A place to rest, to recuperate; and after months of hiking, of endless walking and fighting for your life, of mere survival, some rest wasn't half bad. The issue laid in the fact that even if Jackson wasn't your home, it was home to Joel Miller, and you knew the restlessness, the exclusion you felt deep to your bones as you looked around the town and felt that you were out of place, that this was temporary - wasn't something you shared with him. When you left, it would be on your own, and that hadn't been something you were prepared for.

Tossing in your bed, the blankets failed to keep you insulated as the thoughts swarming your brain seemed to absorb the energy and heat from your body, the constant thinking actually making you physically weaker as you continued to battle the images of a life alone, without the family you had convinced yourself that you had found. The chatter of people outside gradually began to fade away as people turned in for the night, and you knew that your wait would be over soon.

You had known Joel ever since your time in the Boston QZ, when you would sneak over and crash with him and Tess, enjoying the sound of two adults bustling around you, caring about your wellbeing even a little bit. Sometimes, you would lie down on their old, beaten couch, back facing the outside world as you curled inwards, and closed your eyes, allowing yourself to listen to their murmurs and delude yourself into thinking they were your family, as if you weren't just some teenager they had begrudgingly accepted into their lives after you proved your worth in moving pills. People seemed to deem you more trustworthy than the others, whether that was due to your young age and therefore implied naivety and innocence, or simply due to a distrust that stemmed from Joel's somewhat violent reputation. They had never officially opened their doors to you - but after months of having each others back through necessity, you found yourself slowly pushing the door open more and more, if only just to see how far they'd let you in.

You had never been one to push boundaries before, but the the illusion of family was a little too tempting not to indulge in.

You couldn't remember much of your biological father; small snippets, fleeting moments, sporadic gifts of books or other treasures and blurry figures in your memory were all you had. When you were younger you used to spend every moment you had in the dark with your eyes clenched shut, piecing the tiny fragments you had together like a jigsaw, with your imagination filling in the vast gaps. As you got older, you found that the figure you had begun to use to fill in the blank spaces was Joel. It was a little too easy, with the way he protected you from the FEDRA officers who got a little too bold during deals, always keeping an eye on you from a distance, giving you food if you didn't have enough from your own stores. Each act of kindness was lined with a sharp edge, an understanding not to question or push it, an edge that got softer the longer you knew him.

As time passed, and Tess and Joel grew acclimated to your presence in their lives, you found that you slowly stopped being alone as you were forced awake by your nightmares, a steady hand on your shoulder grounding you to reality in the darkness. At first, you weren't sure if it was just to stop you from jostling around, to merely steady you and cease the noise you were undoubtedly producing in your sleep, Joel's expression indecipherable in the darkness. But one night, as the moonlight shone through and illuminated his expression, you recognised the hint of concern and worry that lined his forehead with wrinkles, the presence of an emotion other than annoyance or frustration in his dark brown eyes, and you allowed yourself to believe that the gesture may have been an act of comfort. And maybe other people would've hugged you, would've pulled you into their chest and held you until you knew your mind couldn't hurt you, but pretty soon you realised that this was all Joel was willing to offer, and so you accepted it.

The truth was, you weren't the only one using the other to fill in the gaps of your lost family. Joel despised how familiar the routine felt to him, the feeling of protectiveness that roared inside him when he would see the deal you were partaking in with an officer taking a dangerous turn. Slipping back into old patterns when your harsh knock on the door forced him out of a nap he had fallen into before a routine supply run, or you tried to cook him breakfast as a rare act of gratitude that dripped with vulnerability, burning the toast and labelling it as 'extra flavour'. Tess could see it in him, he was sure, but she knew enough to keep quiet as she grew accustomed to your presence herself.

When Joel had decided he needed to leave the QZ to ensure his brother's safety, following him was a no brainer. The QZ had never been home to you - you couldn't remember any place that was - and if Tess was going with him, what would you even have left in Boston anyway?

You knew he wouldn't have approved of your departure from one of the few places in the world that could be deemed as 'safe' - from infected, at least - which is exactly why you didn't tell them until you were already outside the walls. You had kept a careful distance behind them and your footsteps light, and considering that you knew their routes and patterns off by heart, it was actually much less difficult than you anticipated. Cloaked in the dead of night, Joel and Tess hid from the FEDRA officers, and you hid from them, following behind them like a shadow until you were on the other side of the wall. You had decided to wait a little bit before announcing your presence, nervous that they would immediately force you to go back if you alerted them before you had put some distance between the three of you and the QZ, but the appearance of one of the officers you regularly sold to had thrown a wrench in your plans. Too focused on Joel and Tess, you had failed to conceal yourself from the watchful eyes of the guard, immediately drawing Joel and Tess' attention as you yelped at his grip descending on your shoulder, pulling you back.

Joel had been livid, a look in his eyes that you had never seen before as he pulled you away from the bloody guard, who had remained on the ground, motionless, his face barely recognisable. It was wrong, but the only thing that had rung through your mind was how they had protected you, saved you, and you allowed yourself once more to believe it was because you were one of them, the three of you had formed a family, you were part of the little alliance they had formed all those years ago and you had nothing to worry about, because no matter what, you would always have them. Not even the harshness of Joel's tone and scolding words of Tess could take that sick sense of belonging away from you, not when you could still see the officer's blood staining Joel's fists.

The journey was long and unforgiving, especially with the heaviness that rested on your shoulders following Tess' death. The amount of times she had fought for you, and later cleaned your wounds with a damp rag, were countless. And even after all you had been through, you couldn't help but hold your breath, your skin crawling with uncertainty, to see if Joel would stay by your side afterwards, reluctant to close your eyes as the bark of a tree dug into your back, unsure of whether he would still be sitting across from you the next morning. Perhaps all this time, it had been Tess who had been the glue that had held you three together, and without her, you would be left in the cold once more.

You had felt the weight of his jacket over you before you had opened your eyes, and it was one of the first times you had truly felt warm. Back in the Boston QZ, you still felt a chill, an uncertainty, as if the rug could be pulled out away from you at any certain moment. But with Joel's jacket over your shoulders, you kept your eyes closed for a couple moments more, embracing the heat you felt permeating your bones, clinging onto the knowledge that you finally had someone to belong to, someone that resembled a father, your father. The feelings you had only experienced through distant memories, of safety and affection, filled up the present moment till the air was so thick with them that you couldn't breathe, till you didn't even want to, all you wanted to do was sit there and bask in it.

After that, all you did was walk. Silence hung heavy in the air the weeks after Tess' death, neither of you in much mood to talk as you made your way to Bill and Frank's. You had never been yourself, but as you got closer to their supposed sanctuary of sorts, you found questions pouring from your lips, your curiosity bubbling over the edges. Joel always answered your questions, which you never took for granted. Whether his answers were long, or short and curt, you always had some response, the older man never allowing you to feel ignored, even as exhaustion weighed heavy on him.

Bill and Frank's did both of you some good, despite the circumstances you arrived into. You could feel the stress wash away with weeks of grime and dirt under the first hot water you had encountered in ages, shoving some of their flannels into your bag as you peeked around for anything useful. When you finally arrived downstairs after your long, long shower, you were met with a book on the table, Joel gone to no doubt freshen himself up after weeks on the road. You had examined the book, in its pristine condition with carefully preserved pages, and packed it carefully away in your bag, grateful that Joel knew you well enough to pick it out for you whilst he was waiting.

You were kind, in a way that stung Joel as he recalled what he lost. It was almost strange, the way it contrasted your hardened exterior, your fiery attitude, but it was almost as if your kindness was an act of defiance of the world around you, as if it was one thing that you wouldn't let the world rip away from you. Even when there weren't other people to look after, you did things to look out for him, despite the fact that he was meant to be the one taking care of you. You slipped into Bill's kitchen and packed away a bag of coffee with your supplies, only to be found later on in the journey, only to shrug and answer, "you never would have grabbed it for yourself" when he asked about it. And you were right.

Kansas City was hard on the both of you, the unexpected appearance of Henry and Sam in your lives an initially welcome distraction for you from the hardships of the road, the constant war for your lives. You were plagued with confusion as Joel continued to attack himself with guilt over being snuck up on during your first encounter with them, and couldn't understand why he would be so self deprecating when you both were asleep, before realising that he had never intended to sleep in the first place. And as you reflected, it occurred to you that maybe you actually had known this, maybe you had seen Joel in the thick of night, standing a short distance away, gun poised at the ready, but in your sleep addled brain you had confused one blurry figure in your mind for the other, until both were so intertwined that you could no longer tell them apart.

When you finally arrived in Jackson, despite your initial expectation that you would feel joyful, you knew instantly that you had not moved from your state of constant motion, of always moving from place to place, a temporary figure everywhere you went; but that you now existed here alone. Joel, who had once lived in that state with you, had transcended to a state of contentment, of settling down. He had found his family with whom he shared blood, and all he shared with you was water, and no months of convincing yourself that the water was red could change that.

When Maria offered to cut your hair, you weren't even sure if saying no was an option. But she was content enough to speak, even whilst your lips remained glued shut, your eyes roaming around the room in silent curiosity, soaking up all the information you could on your new surroundings, before your eyes landed on a blackboard decorated with dates. You could hardly even hear the question as it left your throat, Maria's answer barely audible through the blood pumping in your ears as you heard the words "Joel's daughter" and "Sarah", and somehow, you couldn't help feeling as if you had just lost something twice.

You pulled the blankets up closer to your chin, as if that would make any difference. Of course Joel was a father, had been a father, the instincts he demonstrated to protect, to nurture, were too paternal not to be, but all this time you had convinced yourself those instincts manifested themselves for you, when all along, you had just stepped into someones shoes, and you knew your feet would never be big enough to properly fill them.

Is it possible, that all this time, whilst you were closing your eyes and allowing Joel to take up space in your mind, a void that had previously been reserved for your biological father, that he had been using you to sew up a rip in his heart as well, your presence a temporary cure that was never meant to be long term? Whilst you were heavily aware that at the beginning, as you leant your head against the arm of the couch and curled inwards, listening only to the bickering of Tess and Joel, you were piecing together a mere fantasy in your heads, using their faces to envision something that could never be, you also knew that somewhere along the line those lines had gotten blurred. No longer were you looking for someone to care for you, you wanted Joel to care for you, he was no space filler or temporary character, he was your flesh and blood as much as he would allow it, and you had thought all along that he had been allowing it, letting you in slowly, only to find out that maybe you had been the stand-in all along.

The thought stung you more than anything else ever had, and your life had been far from sheltered. It was a knife in your gut, pressing against your vital organs, an injury you had already endured before, and you weren't sure your body could take another one like it. While the loss of your family had brought you to your knees before, you had barely even known them. The real grief you felt had been for the possibilities that had been ripped away from you, the chance of a home, of parents who care for you, of people who would kill and die and do anything for you, people for whom you'd do the same. But in the end, all they really were was blurry figures.

But Joel wasn't blurry. You saw him with perfect clarity, which somehow made this all so much worse. You couldn't take the loss, but maybe it would be easier if you initiated it, if you could manage to regain control over the situation. If you could get ahead of the bleeding, take the knife out and bandage over it before he ripped it out of you and let the blood pour out, maybe you would have a chance to keep going, maybe you wouldn't feel so cold and helpless as you lay alone in a house that wasn't yours.

The streets outside the house were finally dead silent. Pushing the blankets away from you, you got changed out of the clothes Maria had left out for you to sleep in, slipping your boots onto your feet as you grabbed the bag you never unpacked. It was completely dark outside, and with your cruel instinct for nostalgia you were brought back to that night months ago when you fled the QZ, chasing after Tess and Joel, the only real family you had ever known, the remains of which you were now leaving behind.

He wouldn't miss you. In fact, it would probably take him a few days to realise you were even gone. He'd be too caught up in his true family, the one he just got back, and he'd go to the bar and drink with his brother as he reminisced about the daughter he'd once had. Maybe, upon prompting, he'd mention that he had been practically forced to care for a teenager on his way, but that was over now, he had wanted to feel like a father again, but he didn't need that anymore, not when Tommy had returned.

And maybe when he found out you'd stolen a horse, that you'd taken your things in the dead of night and left the small commune of Jackson, he'd miss you just a tiny bit, and think of the months you had spent together on the journey. But like all things, the feeling would pass, and you would be nothing but a temporary figure in his long life, a girl that only ever served to remind him of his true daughter. And you'd continue searching, no longer looking for someone who resembled the imaginary figure of your father but for someone to simply care for you, something you had foolishly allowed yourself into believing you already had.

Not too long ago, you would have been terrified, or at least hesitant, to depart into the night on your own, placing your survival into no other hands but your own as you rode the horse into unfamiliar terrain. But over the past few months, you had developed experience in dealing with threats and danger, and whilst Joel had been by your side for all of it, you were stubborn enough to believe that you could make it on your own this time. After all, what other choice did you have? You would rather leave on your own a million times, face hundreds of infected, than risk Joel looking at you, telling you that you weren't his family, that you weren't and would never be his daughter, that the role had already been filled and you were only ever a stand in, an understudy, a fool to ever think otherwise.

And so you'd twist the knife in your own gut, praying you could handle the fallout for a second time.

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Second Son Navigation | A Regulus Black Series

Synopsis: Forbidden from contacting Harry over the summer, you opt to explore the eerie halls of Grimmauld Place where you stumble upon a lonely portrait of the House's second son.

Warnings: Story is not canon compliant. Includes time jumps. Magic lore is altered/not compliant with canon HP series.

Status: In Progress (Regular Updates)

Main Masterlist

Chapter I

Chapter II

Chapter III

Chapter IV

Chapter V

Chapter VI

Chapter VII

Chapter VIII

Chapter IX

Chapter X

Chapter XI

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Epilogue: The Broken Circle

//Gong Yoo (Kim Shin) x you

Summary: To atone for his sins he is forced to wander the Earth searching for her before it’s too late.

I somehow can’t belived I finished it. It took me five years, but here we are.

Prologue: Silla Goryeo Joseon Tamna March 1st Gwangju

Sometimes you dream. You don’t have dreams often, your nights usually devoid of visions, but whenever a dream comes to you it feels like a vision. It feels palpable, real. The dreams itself bring sensations. Cold rain falling on your face, hands gripping soft fabrics, smell of incense, echoes of a song sung by countless voices, metallic taste of blood. Those dreams leave you drained, yet longing. Every single one of those dreams seems to be a key that opens another box where you can find even more cryptic sensations. They awaken suddenly, brought to surface by mundane things.

Keep reading

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ditto

part one , part two 

It’s 7:30 am. You sit in your empty classroom waiting for your lesson to start and with the absence of your classmates chatter your mind starts to think about what happened at the park two nights ago. since then you haven’t used the camera but you still carry it around with you in your bag as if it still has a need to be with you. 

You sit at the shared desk looking out onto the school yard seeing how the snow is slowly melting away. You wish it could’ve stayed longer. Slowly turning your head towards your bag on the ground near your feet you reach inside and take the camera out. Pressing the ‘on’ button ever so slightly,you look into the view finder. You point the camera towards Shuntaro’s side of the table but instead of seeing him in the view finder you see the same book he was reading last time laying on the desk. No longer human by Osamu Dazai. 

You freeze and shut the camera off again placing it in your bag. The bell hinting the start of the lesson pulls you out of your thoughts along with the students rushing in. 

The day came to an end pretty quickly. You walk towards the exit with the feeling of someone watching you from a distance. You turn around expecting to see someone but youre soon met with relief when no one is seen behind you. Once you reach the exit and walk towards the bike stands you have the same feeling as before but not wanting to turn around this time you ignore it. You reach your bike slowly pulling the heavy backpack away from your back to put inside the basket. Instead you see a bright pink book taking your bags spot. No longer human by Osamu Dazai. 

Looking at the book that lays in your basket you can see several bookmarks sticking out the edge of the book. You place your bag on top of it and ride home. No matter how far you got from the school you can still feel someones eyes on you, You suddenly press the brake on your bike slowly looking back to see no one. The sigh you let out sounds frustrated. You open the zip of your bag and pull out the camera. Once you turn it on you slowly turn it behind you, looking into the view finder as you do so. With the noticeable glitch basically taking over the screen youre able to see what the glitch is trying to hide. Shuntaro standing a couple of feet away from you with this bike by his side. Him look directly at you. 

You feel your heart skip a beat out of pure shock when you see him. 

“Why are you here?“

You manage to let out feeling the tears sitting at the bottom of your eyes. You shut off the camera and place it back in your bag. 

You sit on your bed looking at the book in your hand. It remains closed while you look at the side of it seeing all the bookmarks and notes sticking out. Noticing one note that has your name on it. You slowly open the page the note is stuck too. The one and only underlined quote catches your eye. 

“What uneasiness lies in being loved?” 

The same quote he told you about that one day. 

-

It’s now the end of graduation day and it’s been two years since you’ve used the camcorder. You left it in the past along with Shuntaro. While digging through your locker to empty it you found yourself holding the same book again. The same book from two years ago. The small smile on your face makes you think of all the times you and Shuntaro spent together before he disappeared. 

Once you gathered all your personal items from your locker you made your way home. You placed the box with all your belongings under your bed. While placing it under there you see another box. This time with things from you and Shuntaro’s time together. Photos you mostly took off you and shuntaro at school together, either holding hands or sitting close to each other during class. Random notes you would pass each other in class and a dusty camcorder. 

You slowly pick up the camera and examine it. Pulling out the SD card and going towards your laptop to insert it inside. A folder appears that contains 3 years worth of memories. You click on the first video 

The camera is showing you and Shuntaro walking through your school’s hallway. You took this video during your first year. In the video you and Shuntaro’s connected hands can be seen. 

“Why are you recording?” 

“Im making memories for us” 

“But wont we just remember the memories we made instead of relying on a camera to remind us?”

“No because what if i forget about you one day…or worse. you forget about me.” 

“I would never forget you” 

You continue to watch all the videos you filmed remembering all the times you spent with Shuntaro. But now you needed to move on especially since youre leaving for college for a fresh start. 

Shuntaro will always be remembered as your first love. 

AN: lmaoo last part.anyways i tried to make it sad but idek if its that sad. i rlly hope you guys enjoyed this and bc i finished writing this series i will be taking requests so please send some ( the characters i write for are on my masterlist ). thank you so much for all the support. i love uuu!!

<3 viv

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Words to describe facial expressions

Absent: preoccupied 

Agonized: as if in pain or tormented

Alluring: attractive, in the sense of arousing desire

Appealing: attractive, in the sense of encouraging goodwill and/or interest

Beatific: blissful

Black: angry or sad, or hostile

Bleak: hopeless

Blinking: surprise, or lack of concern

Blithe: carefree, lighthearted, or heedlessly indifferent

Brooding: anxious and gloomy

Bug eyed: frightened or surprised

Chagrined: humiliated or disappointed

Cheeky: cocky, insolent

Cheerless: sad

Choleric: hot-tempered, irate

Darkly: with depressed or malevolent feelings

Deadpan: expressionless, to conceal emotion or heighten humor

Despondent: depressed or discouraged

Doleful: sad or afflicted

Dour: stern or obstinate

Dreamy: distracted by daydreaming or fantasizing

Ecstatic: delighted or entranced

Faint: cowardly, weak, or barely perceptible

Fixed: concentrated or immobile

Gazing: staring intently

Glancing: staring briefly as if curious but evasive

Glazed: expressionless due to fatigue or confusion

Grim: fatalistic or pessimistic

Grave: serious, expressing emotion due to loss or sadness

Haunted: frightened, worried, or guilty

Hopeless: depressed by a lack of encouragement or optimism

Hostile: aggressively angry, intimidating, or resistant

Hunted: tense as if worried about pursuit

Jeering: insulting or mocking

Languid: lazy or weak

Leering: sexually suggestive

Mild: easygoing

Mischievous: annoyingly or maliciously playful

Pained: affected with discomfort or pain

Peering: with curiosity or suspicion

Peeved: annoyed

Pleading: seeking apology or assistance

Quizzical: questioning or confused

Radiant: bright, happy

Sanguine: bloodthirsty, confident

Sardonic: mocking

Sour: unpleasant

Sullen: resentful

Vacant: blank or stupid looking

Wan: pale, sickly

Wary: cautious or cunning

Wide eyed: frightened or surprised

Withering: devastating

Wrathful: indignant or vengeful

Wry: twisted or crooked to express cleverness or a dark or ironic feeling

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i hope this isn't a weird question but what's a cepo? as in your url

can i come live under a rock with u

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More cats with big peepers 🐱

Lots of folks mentioned wanting a commission of their cat in this style, so these two were made as new examples for when I open commissions! I'll most likely have a few slots available in the coming weeks 👀

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so someone on twitter said this is the only picture we have of the cap quartet and i-

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Blame this guy named tony for this ok😭

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FOR MY NON-SPANISH SPEAKERS WHO WRITE:

I love that you guys are incorporating our language into your writing for some characters! But beware! google translate isn’t always correct and maybe give you some wrong translations or conjugations! When in doubt, ask!

Here are few examples that I’ve seen:

“cariño” - this is a term of endearment, like sweetheart or dear. It does NOT need to be conjugated for a female, because the word “cariña” doesn’t exist.

“estoy caliente” - if you are trying to say “i’m hot” as in temperature, this is not correct and ACTUALLY means “I’m horny”. Which if that’s what you meant, yay! you got it! But if you are trying to describe how you feel, use “tengo.” Like this ~ “Tengo calor”(I’m hot), “Tengo sed”(I’m thirsty), “Tengo miedo”(I’m afraid), and so on!

“soy/eres/es/somos/son” v.s. “estoy/estás/está/estamos/están” - conjugations of ser are used for more permanent or long term instances i.e; “soy americana”(I am American). While conjugations of estar are used for shorter term situations i.e; “estoy aburrido”(I am bored). If you happen to switch them they could mean something different! Using last example, if you said “soy aburrido” you’re saying “I am boring” or a “boring” person, and I’m sure you’re not! ;)

My asks and messages are always open for questions!!

NOTE: I am not fluent in Spanish but grew up around it, i do write and read it, but struggle to speak it. I do make mistakes, as does anyone! So please know, it’s okay if something is wrong! I appreciate all your interests in reading this far and wanting to learn! Happy writing my lovelies <3

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i wanna be an english major when i go to college but then also a classics major and I'd love to study law but being a history major would be everything but then I'd hate missing out on studying visual and performing arts. I mean, i'd study all of them if i had the chance and also if i only did 20% of an academic years worth of work cuz y'know i'm indecisive and lazy but i also wanna ~learn~

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In case someone doesn't know how to make a "keep reading" on mobile:

I've seen some nerve-racking 10k fics that don't have the cut and in their worst, they're also full of media like "this is a picture of what you're wearing, this is the view you're seeing from your hotel room, here's a gif how x looks at you in this scene" = Tumblr app struggles to load that wall of text and media and then Tumblr app crashes and when asked to put the cut, people are like "I'm on mobile and can't put the cut" so here's a little tutorial video for you guys.

I know this is a problem with all characters but tagging some popular ones to gain exposure for this post.

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Steve: I went from a tiny twink to the muscle-bound freak you see before you.

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We’ve a utility room now, but all the previous houses I’ve lived in the bathrooms are too small for a washing machine

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YOURE SO FUKCING DUMB !!

we know!!! spin the wheel, pick a better line!

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