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[saltyhoroscopes]

The Signs and their Backup Careers

Aries: Loanshark who only accepts payments in jellybeans Taurus: Serial Killer living next to the police dept Gemini: Yaoi manga artist Cancer: Professional Twerker Leo: Morning shift Grave Digger Libra: Pet food Taste Tester Sagittarius: Bartender at Chuck E Cheese Virgo: Sous-chef at Taco Bell Scorpio: Hired killer disguised as a Birthday Clown Capricorn: Lap Dancer in the hood Aquarius: Anime connoisseur a.k.a "a weeb" Pisces: They have no backup plan

[saltyhoroscopes]

THE SIGNS & WHERE THEY GET MARRIED

Aries- A shitty motel in Utah

Taurus- Their grandma’s house

Gemini- Prison

Cancer- a Soup Kitchen

Leo- Las Vegas

Libra- Donald Trump Rally

Sagittarius- North Korea

Virgo- Walmart

Scorpio- A cave deep in Zimbabwe

Capricorn- die single

Aquarius- Anime convention

Pisces- Aeropostale

[saltyhoroscopes]

Signs & their anime boyfriends

Aries: Keith Shadis, cuz imagine waking up to those gorgeous, hateful eyes every morning.

Taurus: Zetsu, cuz you like to stay rooted.

Gemini: Usopp, cuz fat, long-nosed liars belong together.

Cancer: Crabman, b/c crabs.

Leo: Droy, cuz he exudes manly confidence when eating a chicken leg.

Virgo: Captain Mayuri, cuz you both share book smarts.

Libra: Frieza, cuz you’re both feminine af.

Scorpio: Jaken, cuz he’s dirty gremlin trash like you. 

Sagittarius: Prince Hata, cuz you both like to travel. Also, LOVE & DA PEACE-da. 

Capricorn: Takeo, cuz look at those luscious lips & beautiful eyebrows.

Aquarius: Mado Kureo, cuz you’re both ding dongs.

Pisces: Simon Brezhnev, cuz he loves fishes, especially serving them.