saltysadtrombone-blog

[saltysadtrombone-blog]

Legend of Zelda movie

We all know how every iteration of Zelda the hylians always know of the legend of the great evil, the magic princess, and the courageous dutiful warrior

If there was ever a chance for a movie being good, i think we need a link who refuses his call

One that has been told his entire life of the great things that are expected of him

Or better yet a link that wants to save the world But feels it’s cheapened because everyone already expects him to, like he will do it, but because he wants to not because it’s his duty

With BOTW giving him the most personality that we’ve ever seen (mostly told to use through zeldas dialouge) maybe it would give us a little leeway into actually making him a character

Something along the lines of

The king “ Link it is a wonderful day, you have finally completed your training, now all that’s left to do is to wait for ganon to show his face”

“ your majesty, really thank you, I know this important, i understand that time after time Ganon has cause so much pain and misery, and again and again this hero has stopped him, but Is this all we have ever done? Just having me sitting around waiting for Ganon to make the first move? I just feel like I’m being used I want to save the kingdom, But I want to stop this evil because I want to, not just because I’m told to”

“Link… my young friend I know this feeling more than you mean I was born into a family that expected me to rule this kingdom Having this great duty thrust upon me I have walked more than a mile in your shoes It seems I may have spoken too soon True you have mastered sword, shield, and bow

But Until you settle your heart, you will not be able to face Ganon”

Link kind of looks disappointed in himself

The king continues “haha fret not, I’m sending you to a very old friend that helped me through the same when I was young, Impa makes a tough first impression but if anyone can bring out the courage in your heart, it’s her”

Then he goes on a journey tackling his internal struggle One that comes to his apex when the outside conflict, Ganon, shows his face Then he realizes it doesn’t matter why he saves the world, it just matters that he does

Or something I dunno I need to workshop it

[saltysadtrombone-blog]

Some assembly required

Jeff had done it A month of planning Reconnaissance missions Hours and hours of research He memorized the placement of every camera Every laser tripwire

It was touch and go for a minute But as he saw that last yellow shirt leave He knew

This IKEA was his for the night

This was everything he had ever wanted as a child After a long and trying experience

He had it

Now he just had to figure out what to do with it

“Meatballs ™” He thought “I’m going to get some motherfucking meatballs ™”

As he headed to the cafeteria He stopped

He was being watched

“Are you running from the real world too?” An extremely old man bald and clean shaven, but surprising good posture, and dressed in a bathrobe comes out from behind a Blitzkrëig ™ bookshelf

“You aren’t the first” The old man continues as Jeff listens, honestly a little frightened at the weird occurrence “Second one this month trying to find comfort somewhere between the Allen wrenches and fake plants”

“What do you mean? I’m just living out a childhood fantasy, I’m just here to get meatballs ™ and sort of Dick around, you know rearrange some stuff”

“Well then let’s continue this in the cafeteria”

He follows the old man When they reach the kitchen the old man takes a small silver key from his pocket and unlocks the walk in freezer to grab a bag of meatballs ™ And throw them in the microwave

“Not the oven?” Jeff asks

“This is how they do it” The old man replies

“Damn, that really bums me out” Jeff says

The microwave goes off and the old man hands a plate of like 50 meatballs ™ to Jeff As Jeff scarfs them down he asks “So I guess if we’re going to be friends for the night I should know your name”

“Ralph”

“Seriously?”

“So did you come here tonight just to make fun of an old mans name?”

“Haha no, like I said” Jeff pops the last meat ball ™ in his mouth “these things and shenanigans”

“Haha like the rest” Ralph starts walking out of the kitchen “You might have walked in to a little more than you’ve bargained for”

“What do you mean? And who are the rest?”

“They should all be emerging now, follow me”

Jeff and Ralph go back toward the office demo rooms, to Jeff it’s like a completely different world now, flooded with people too many to count How long had they been here?

“How the hell?…” Jeff thinks to himself out loud

“I was the first years ago” Ralph explains as he continues to lead Jeff through the newly appeared crowd “two of my old friends and I right after my divorce, all three of us had a reason for coming, but in the grand scheme it was all the same, just like for these poor souls, we are all running”

He turns a corner and continues “ex wives, dead wives, debt, lies we’ve spun, broken promises”

He looks at Jeff “fathers”

Jeff tries to hide a reaction

Ralph continues"We all come to this fake world to try to make sense of the one out there"

He points to a few more strung out looking residents “Most of us can’t leave anymore, we just can’t deal with what’s out there, but that’s not what I wanted to talk to you about”

Jeff finally speaks up “you make it sound like you have a job for me”

“Like I’ve just pointed out, to many of us this is our home, our safe haven, and it’s in grave danger” he sighs “there are two, a brother and sister, they came here not to deal with the outside world, but rather to deal with each other, they have brought the outside conflict in, they have rallied many people to their sides, tensions are growing, fights breaking out everywhere from the daycare center to the wall of couches, there are very few neutral areas anymore”

Jeff argues “listen old man, not that I can’t empathize with you, but like I said I’m here to mess around I don’t have some deep emotional problem I’m trying to work out, or child support payments I’m running from, just a childhood fantasy I’m trying to bring to fruition, I’m sorry but I’m not your guy”

“Please” the old man begs “there is so much more at stake than you realize, I’ve managed to maintain peace for a time because I hold control over the food” he shows the key to the deep freeze to Jeff “But it won’t be long before one of them makes their move”

“I’m sorry” Jeff replied “ I’m just not your guy”

Jeff barely managed to get that last word out when all the sudden a gang of ten people wielding weapons clearly fashions from the extra part/clearance section near the registers, you know the area I’m talking about, where they put all the scuffed up and broken crap?

Anyway so these guys are coming at Jeff and the old man, takin them by surprise the manage grapple them both

Jeff breaks free from the hold but the grunt that had him smashes him with a plywood board that used to be part of a Kallåx ™ bookshelf

Everything goes black

Jeff wakes up in a bathroom stall his hands tied to the handicap rail

He tries to get free, but can’t

“Hello?” He calls out

…………………………..

It’s 4 am That’s all I got right now I’ll post Pt 2 sometime tomorrow hopefully