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saltyunknownsuit · 1 year

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On occasion, my partner will join his brothers and a few of their friends for ”one game” that inevitably turns into several games of League of Legends. They have a dedicated group chat for the activity, which surves no other purpose than to schedule these games. Someone will write and suggest a game for later that day and those who are able and willing will hop on the server and join in on the group call.

When my partner is setting these gaming sessions up by gathering all his equipment and what seems to me like an endless amount of chargers, something which strikes my interest will sometimes occur. In reality, it is quite mundane. After plugging in all the chords and chargers and logging on to the game, he will join the group call. He’ll wait for them to pick up and then utter a tentative ”hello?”. Most of the time, there is nothing more to it than that and their conversation picks right up about which characters to pick and ban. But sometimes, a technical issue occurs which will lead to him toggling some chord and then again asking ”hello?”. This will most often go on for a while as he tries with increasing urgency to find where the issue lies, and all while saying ”hello?” into the headphones after each thing he tries. What makes this very ordinary and admittedly irritating phenomenon so interesting to me is that, if you listen very closely, you can hear a slight desperation creeping into his voice after each fail. It is very subtle, so subtle that you’ll miss it if you’re not looking for it. A ”hello?” turns into a ”helloo..?” which then turns into a ”heellooo..?”, and if it has gone on long enough, even a deep sigh followed by ”heeelllooo???” which no longer is so subtle.

Perhaps it really is just the irritation that his somewhat expensive equipment isn’t working the way it should and delaying the game. Perhaps I am reading too much into it. But I have seen him annoyed, know how he is inclined to turn to sighs and quiet reflection more than audible frustration, and so I cannot help but feel that there is more to his forlorn hellos. Surely, he knows that a solution in one way or another will appear and that his issue really is no issue at all in the end for him or his companions. Yet, it seems almost as though for every screw, toggle or click on the mouse that fails, he fears that he will never reach them at all. That his ”hello” will go unanswered in an electronic void. That his friends will start the game without him and he will be left alone. Once in a while, he will have seen the messages in the group chat too late and notice when he logs on to his computer that they have already started a game, and he always seems to me more than a little dejected before collecting himself and without fail seeking out my company - again the hint of fear at being alone.

I can’t help but be moved, because to me, this is what defines us humans at the core. We are afraid of being alone. Many are like myself, who seek quiet and solitude more than others, but no one ever wants to be left alone. To truly think that there is no one if we should need it or crave it and that our voluntary solitude will turn into involuntary loneliness. For my partner, I believe that his unanswered hellos or delayed responses reminds him of the possibility of this being a permanent state rather than a temporary bug. I believe that when he turns in his chair to strike up conversation while waiting to join the next game, it is more about needing someone than needing me in particular, and I will always be more than happy to be his someone. Of course, after a few minutes of technical difficulties at most, his ”helloo??” will finally turn into ”OH YES, hello!” and a sigh of relief. And similarly, in the middle of conversation with me while waiting for his friend’s game to finish, he will suddenly interrupt the sentence and with almost alarming speed turn around in his chair with a ”Yes, I AM ready!”. I think many people would find that rude, and maybe it is, but when he turns back with an apologetic smile and a wave that says to me goodbye for now and thank you for being my someone when I have no one, I don’t see anything rude about it at all. I only see humanity.

#league of legends #thoughts from the shower

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saltyunknownsuit · 2 years

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