sam-can-fix-that

[sam-can-fix-that]

Is Being Your Child’s Friend Helpful or Harmful?

Is being your child’s friend helpful or harmful? If you want to create an explosive discussion this is the question to ask! There are strong feelings on both sides of the issue.

However, the majority of family psychologists and parenting experts have leaned toward the theory that ‘Kids need you to be their parent not their friend.”

This may ruffle some feathers, but I disagree… Let me explain.

It is my opinion that those who subscribe to the theory that parents should not be their child’s friend are also of the mindset that parenting is based on controlling and exerting authority.

With that being said, it is important to examine your definition of ‘parenting’ and ‘friendship’ and the role they fulfill in our lives.

Parenting The definition and role of a parent is someone who is in a position to influence and guide their child toward what is good and positive in a way that supportstheir journey to creating the life they were born to live. This is done by honoring and respecting their individuality, providing and supporting opportunities that will help them achieve their heart’s desire. With the most important aspect being unconditional love.

Friendship The definition and role of a friend is someone you enjoy spending time with, share a basis of common interests and who can be trusted to be there for you through good times and bad, always having your best interest at heart. They are someone you feel comfortable sharing your thoughts and feelings with without fear of judgment or criticism and look to for guidance because you respect their opinion. With the most important aspect being unconditional love.

Now let’s look at the traits of a relationship between a parent and child that possesses both parenting and friendship qualities.

Parent/Friend relationship This relationship is built on mutual respect honoring the differences and unique qualities each person has. The common goal is what is best for the other with a willingness to be there as a support system for each other. They find enjoyment in sharing interests and spending time together. A healthy level of trust exists which means they are comfortable sharing thoughts and feelings. The fact that they respect each other and do not fear being judged or criticized creates a desire to listen to and offer their respective opinions. With the most important aspect being unconditional love.

The nay-sayers will quickly raise objections to parents seeing their children as a confidant stating children are not mature enough to deal with many adult issues… that parents should not burden their children with their struggles and issues. And they would be correct.

And it is for that reason that the careful distinction must be made that parentscan and should be their child’s friend but that does not mean that the child is the parent’s friend on all levels. There is a common sense line that parents, through their level of maturity, can easily identify as areas that are not appropriate to share with children.

A few areas that are appropriate to share with your child:

Your dreams and goals.

Being tired from a long day at work.

Your successes and triumphs.

Feeling overwhelmed when schedules become stressful.

Needing quiet time to recharge.

All of these are examples of times you would share with a friend so that they will understand you and know you on a deeper level. They are times that we all experience and when shared gives others an opportunity to be someone who is compassionate and helpful. It is important for parents to remember that it is less about the struggles you share than it is about the way in which you model finding solutions.

As with many things in life, there is good and bad or in this case helpful or harmful. An alert parent will recognize what is potentially harmful and not expose their child to areas obviously inappropriate. On the other hand, it is extremely helpful when you position yourself in your child’s life much the way a friend would in order to form a relationship that places you in their eyes as someone on their side, there for them no matter what without judgment or criticism with the most important aspect being unconditional love.

When we, as parents, establish the type of relationship with our children that creates a desire to spend time with us, inspires them to confide their thoughts and feelings to us, fosters a sense of respect for our opinions and generates an atmosphere of unconditional love haven’t we achieved the ultimate goal of parents everywhere? I would love to hear your thoughts. Please share in the comment section below.

[sam-can-fix-that]

The Connecticut Shootings: What to Say to Your Kids

The world was shaken beyond belief when the devastating news broke that yet another horrible tragedy happened in one of our schools.

This time twenty precious young children and 6 adults were brutally taken in Newtown, Connecticut, a small community minded town not unlike the towns you and I live in.

As adults we struggle to make sense of it, to understand how a parent can wake up one morning just like every other morning, kiss their child goodbye, send them off to school without a second thought and within a few short hours learn they will never return home…only to hear the words, "Your child is dead."

Can there be anything worse?

Anything more crippling or devastating?

If there is, I can’t think of it.

So if we, as adults, do not have the capacity to understand such an act and find the thoughts that will allow us to move forward, how do we explain it to our kids? What do we say to our kids who are now afraid to go to school, can’t sleep at night and are startled by every loud noise they hear?

The truth is we say whatever we must to give them back the sense of security they had before this tragic event took place. The most important thing for parents to understand is in reality even the truth of what happened and why will not make sense nor make us feel any better. Regardless of the circumstances surrounding the shooters actions, nothing will change the fear of ‘What if this happens to us?’ to our children.

Although I am a huge proponent of complete honesty and transparency with our children, this is an exception in my book.

When my kids came home from their perspective schools that day, Zach in 8thgrade and Kaitlyn in 9th, they both had already heard the news. They were visibly shaken with a hundred questions …how did he get in the school…why did he kill kids…where were the teachers…why didn’t anyone stop him…does getting shot hurt…did the kids die right away… And these were asked in the first 15 minutes after they got home.

We talked about this horrendous event for most of the afternoon. They couldn’t get their minds off of it. I answered their questions as best I could based on the information being reported. But later that evening their questions changed from wanting more information about what happened in Connecticut to what if it happened at their school.

It was at that moment that I realized they needed to ‘believe’ that this would never and could never happen at their school and it was my job to assured them that it would not. I could see that in order to lessen the impact of this heinous act on their lives the truth was the last thing they needed to hear. Telling my children that there are no guarantees in life and that what had just happened to 20 innocent children and their families could happen again so they should approach life as if each moment may be their last simply did not feel right to me.

I don’t want my children to live their lives with that kind of ‘reality’ clouding and tainting their every choice, action and thought. I refused to allow this vicious act by one unstable person to impact the course of their lives. And so embellished the truth.

I told them that what happened in Connecticut could never happen here. That their schools were safe and measures were in place that would prevent anyone from being able to get on their school property with guns in tow. I gave them reasons such as the fact that they have patrol people at each gate during classes (not true), an onsite police officer (true) and that the local police patrol the school block every hour watching to be sure nothing out of the ordinary takes place (not true). I gave examples of things I had witnessed while at their schools…the day the police stopped every car checking for identification to be sure you should be allowed on campus (not true) and of the morning I saw a police officer randomly inspecting back-packs as students approached the back gates (true). I explained the alarm system their schools have in place that would bring police within seconds should anything happen that could endanger the students.(not sure but certainly hope this is true)

In short, I gave them every reason to feel safe and secure in order to fully believe that something like this could simply not happen here, not in their schools. In this situation, in this case, their peace of mind that is necessary for them to continue to live their lives with the wonderful innocence that gives them an enthusiasm, excitement and joy for life far outweighed any words of warning or unsettling explanations.

As adults we know that life is unpredictable. We never expect that bad thingswill happen to us, certainly not like what happened to those perfectly innocent families in Connecticut, but we also know that they do in fact happen and sadly so it seems more frequently. But what purpose does it serve to burden our children with this knowledge? Will it keep them safe? Would it have made a difference in Connecticut if those 20 children had been taught that bad people exist and there is a chance that one day one of those people might come to your school?

There are most definitely dangers that our children need to be aware of such as protecting their bodies and not talking to strangers. They need to be armed with information and knowledge to be alert in order to stay safe in these kinds of situations. But what on earth could the 20 children have known that would have made a difference on that tragic day?

My children slept well that night. They made a poster with all of the names of the children who were murdered and hung it on the wall. Before bedtime we prayed for them and their families and vowed to never forget them. We hugged extra tight as we said good night.

When you talk to your kids about this and answer their questions, ask yourself what will really be in their best interest…the weight of a black cloud of fear or the security of believing they are safe?

[sam-can-fix-that]

Traditions How They Impact Your Child’s Self-esteem

Have you ever considered how traditions impact your child's self-esteem?

Your child’s level of self-esteem is a direct result of how they view themselves in correspondence to the world they live in.

One of our basic needs as human beings is to feel loved and valued. In addition we have an innate desire to be accepted, to fit in and to ‘belong’. And all of those feelings add up to a healthy self-esteem.

Our first experiences are within our families. This is where we seek unconditional love and approval and also where we gain our sense of security. Sharing our everyday lives with a specific group of people provides an environment of belonging. When it is a positive environment it serves to build your child’s self-esteem.

Aside from the usual circumstances families share like living in the same home, eating the same meals and engaging in many similar activities, the one thing that sets who we belong to apart from others can be found in specific routines most often attached to holidays or specific events. Many refer to these as ‘traditions’.

Traditions can be as subtle as your morning routine to start your day or as grandiose as taking a yearly cruise at Christmas time. For most of us, our traditions fall somewhere in the middle.

Traditions can be associated with a small nucleus of people like that of our family or they can be culturally based enjoyed by a much larger group.

For example, here in the United States it is a tradition to set off fireworks on the 4th of July in celebration of the birth of our country. This tradition is obviously exclusive to Americans because it is about our country. And on that day in July you can witness a strong sense of pride in being an American. People fly flags, sing patriotic songs and salute those who serve in our military because it is because of them that we have our freedom to enjoy and celebrate. There is a heightened sense of belonging that every American enjoys on this day in July.

Family traditions work much the same way. It is a way, specific to that family, to celebrate or mark the importance of a specific event or occasion.

Although it is tradition that most Christians celebrate December 25th as Christmas, the birthday of Christ, each family has its own way of celebrating.

For instance, some open presents on Christmas Eve while others wait until Christmas morning. Some families always travel to a certain relative’s home on Christmas day and then there are those like my family who choose to stay home and invite people in.

Traditions provide that sense of belonging to children. They set their family apart from others and provide a uniqueness that applies only to them. And within the sense of belonging comes a strong sense of security.

Children look forward to traditions and are very proud to share them with others.

One very special tradition I have enjoyed at Christmas since childhood is to have a birthday cake in honor of Jesus Christ's birth. I have continued this with my grandchildren. One of our annual Christmas eve activities is to bake this very special cake. After Christmas dinner we light the candles and sing Happy Birthday and in unison blow out the candles.

Another favorite tradition began when my grandchildren were born. We established a traditional Christmas caroling hay ride. My husband transforms one of his work trucks complete with lights, decorations and of course bales of hay into a sleigh on wheels! We travel the same route throughout our community singing Christmas Carols, eating popcorn and drinking hot chocolate.

Because the size of the truck limits the number of passengers, the children take turns each year inviting one or two of their friends to join us.

They love it! And more importantly they love sharing it with their friends. This past year I overheard my grandson, Zach, explaining it to one of his friends. He was so enthusiastic boasting about how his Papa even made special bench seats that he installs on the truck specifically for our annual Christmas caroling hayride.

When children are raised in an environment that provides them with a sense of belonging they gain an added bonus of feeling special and that goes a long way in how they perceive themselves.

Children need to feel good about where they come from in order to feel confident in the path they choose in the future.

If you don’t have any traditions established in your family, create some! Think of things that would make your celebrations that much more memorable…and then be consistent each year. Trust me it won’t take long and your children will be remembering, sharing and reminding you as the occasions grow near!

We at Awakened Parenting wish you all a JOY-filled and Peaceful New Year!

Denny Hagel is a child advocate and parenting coach, devoting over 25 years to the success and well being of all children. She is the published author of over 150 articles on parenting, many of which have attracted international attention in over 24 countries.

Denny was blessed with forward thinking parents who raised her with an understanding of her value as an individual, her innate power to choose by way of her thoughts, ideas, opinions and beliefs, thus, instilling in her a strong sense of personal responsibility for what happens in our lives

She is the founder of Awakened Parenting LLC, a company dedicated to helping parents release parenting paradigms of the past and consciously choose to raise their children to approach life with a positive mindset and strong sense of self. It is Denny’s passion to combine what she learned through her formal education in early childhood education and psychology and what her parents instilled in her and pass this on to all parents.

Denny has created the discussion group "Awakened Parenting Discussion Forum" on Face Book which now has almost 600 members.  She does on line coaching with parents and teachers who consult her on a regular basis. Denny collaborates with counselors, authors, coaches and others working in the parent coaching field. Denny Hagel is the author of the newly published "The Missing Secret to Parenting","The C.P.R. Program for Parents & Teens: Conflict Prevention/Resolution Formula", "Mini-Me Syndrome" and two free e-booklets “Parenting Using the Law of Attraction” and “Becoming an Awakened Parent".