sammymcfarland

[sammymcfarland]

I dream of you but I can’t see your face

We lie in white sheets my breasts dressed in lace

Everyday I’m longing for love

I can smell your scent your warmth your hug

I treat summer with such disdain

But it’s the only time I see your face

[sammymcfarland]

[sammymcfarland]

[sammymcfarland]

Ted bundy isn't ugly, you're just a lesbian

Congratulations, this is the worst ask I’ve ever gotten

[sammymcfarland]

[sammymcfarland]

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[sammymcfarland]

The Specific Type of Grieving When You Lose Someone to Covid.

As this pandemic keeps going on I’ve felt a rage I’ve never felt before. I’m really not an angry person so for me to be filled with rage is unusual. So angry I unfollowed people I knew  because I was sick of seeing reckless behavior.

When the pandemic started my family and I were super careful. Summer of 2020 I moved out of my childhood home but still went to hang and watch tv with my parents, mostly my dad. When Covid got bad again in the fall I even stopped going to the nail salon cause I didn’t want to get my parents sick. I started to use Instacart instead of going to grocery stores and the only three places I would go to were my house my parents house our cape house. Unfortunately as safe as we were my father still got Covid and died from it. He went into the hospital on January 10th and caught a pneumonia and was incubated the 11th. On the 12 he had a heart attack which he survived and was stabilized. On the 14th of January, the worst day of my entire life, my dad had another heart attack and the hospital said they would call back when he was stabilized. Instead they called back saying that they couldn’t save him. I know it’s only been two months since he’s been gone but it’s created a hole in my heart that will never be filled. I think back to those few days every single day. When I’m at my mom’s I’ll see things he’s worn and even go as far to sniff them just so I can smell him again. I constantly replay the few videos I have of him on my phone just to hear his voice. My life was miserable before but now it’s just down right unenjoyable. I’ve had to stop taking my screenwriting classes at UCLA for the time being cause I just could not focus on them. Hell, I’m so depressed I can’t even keep focus on my favorite tv shows right now. My GERD has come back and because of that I’ve been having many many panic attacks to the point where I can’t be left alone. I’m with my mom everyday cause I’m so anxious even though I know she is dealing with her own grief. 

When people generalize and say things like “it’s been such a hard year for everyone.” Or “lots of other people have had bad experiences with Covid” I get so angry because we’ve normalized all the pain Covid has caused. Yes Covid has put everyone into a weird way of life and has ruined plans but some people choose to travel making the statement that they think they’re untouchable. I just don’t think they’re thinking at all cause if they had a brain to begin with they wouldn’t go. They would see that they are not immune to the pain. When your loved one dies, it always hurts but when Covid takes them it feels different. When your loved one was someone who was so scared of Covid they wore gloves and wouldn’t step in the mall it’s different. I’ve seen people who have had loved ones hospitalized with the virus and still go and travel places. Is death really the only thing stopping you? Is watching someone you love be sick not enough? 

When my father first died I thought great, he’s a fucking statistic. He’s amongst the 500k people in America who have died the same death in the same pandemic. My grieving is no different from those other people’s. I thought that until I watched this film called Little Fish. There’s a quote that just has stuck with me from the second I heard it. “When your disaster is everyone’s disaster, how do you grieve?” I started to think that it’s okay to be self centered and grieve. My dad isn’t just a number he was the greatest person I’ve ever known and I should be able to be sad and suicidal and miserable about his death cause it’s MY life. I always say to my friend Sydney “I don’t mean to have a woe is me moment” and she always tells me that I should and it’s okay. If anyone else is unfortunately apart of the 500k please take time to feel sorry for yourself. Know that we are part of something other people will never understand. They will never get the rage of seeing people not taking Covid seriously and complaining about minuscule things why your loved ones death has absolutely destroyed your lives. They’ll never get why you see red when people ask if your loved one had an underlying health problem as if it fucking matters. They’ll never understand the feeling of not being able to say goodbye cause they wouldn’t let you even be in the hospital. They’ll never understand the feeling of not having a proper funeral for someone you cherished so deeply. They’ll never understand that people talking about last March all jokingly isn’t a joke to you. They’ll never get the weird specific type of grieving that comes with losing someone to this virus. A virus that some people pretend is over as they party for spring break or say “its just the flu.” They’ll never understand that your grieving has been public. That the triggers are everywhere because we are still living through a pandemic. I want you to know that it’s okay to feel like you are the only one who feels this, because you might be the only one in your circle of friends and family, but know that you are not alone. How you grieve is up to you and is sadly one of the only things we have complete control of. Be safe.

[sammymcfarland]

The Grief Club

Before I experienced grief I said I couldn’t imagine it. When I saw people lose their loved ones my heart ached for them cause I couldn’t imagine the pain they felt. Now that I have also lost a loved one I was right I had absolutely no fucking idea. A friend of a friend told me that “losing a parent is like a sick fucking club no one wants to be a part of and you only get it if you went through it.” Weirdly it was one of the most comforting messages I got cause it was the realest one. Since getting my membership to the grief club I still haven’t wrapped my head around the fact that my dad is actually dead. In my mind I know he’s gone forever but he’s just gone. When I think about other dead people I don’t see him that way and so far I don’t know if that’s a good or a bad thing. The first four days were the worst. I cried myself to sleep every night which shockingly I have never done or at least I don’t remember doing. I felt like I was in a suffocating fishbowl. I felt like I could see everyone moving on with their lives and I was drowning. I felt like I was three drinks in and I couldn’t sober up. It was so unfair that everyone was moving on like normal and my world was falling apart. My head was just constantly spinning. Every five seconds in my head I had to remind myself that my dad was dead. It just wouldn’t click for me I had to think it over and over and over again. I just couldn’t believe that the person I loved most on this earth was gone forever. I obviously try not to think about it but when I do I wanna scream and rip my hair out. I wanna cry but then the crying gets so tiring. To be honest at this point I’m sick of crying. It isn’t relieving anymore it’s tiring and sucks all the life out of me. The only thing that is relieving is writing but currently I can only write about how I feel. Writing my scripts for class and my carefully articulated fantasy worlds I spent hours on don’t appeal to me anymore cause my reality is so dark. Everyday I just wanna wake up from this never ending nightmare. If I think about it too hard I have to stop myself cause I physically can feel my heart start to hurt and it feels like I’m gonna have a heart attack. I wanna spiral. I wanna stop time. I don’t wanna move on but I have too. There’s so many things that remind me of him it’s insane. One of his favorite Lana songs came on and I cried for like 5 minutes after. You never know what’s gonna trigger you. You never know what day is gonna be a black hole and what day you’ll feel perfectly normal. And on those days you feel perfectly normal you’ll start second guessing if you’re okay or if you’re grieving properly but the thing is you are. Some days are gonna suck but the good days, the good days you have to soak up cause you never know what the next is gonna bring. People really don’t know what to say when someone dies and that’s okay. Just knowing that they want to help is enough. The grief membership does grant you one positive thing. Access to other people in the club. Only people who have experienced the same sort of loss knows what it feels like. If you know other people in this club you know that they’re the people who will help you out the most even if they’re people you haven’t seen in forever or even talk to regularly. I guess that’s all I have on my mind to say at the moment. I’ll swipe my card and tell you all about me again soon.

[sammymcfarland]

Everyday is like a nightmare. I wake up with no dad and go to sleep with no dad. No one to tell dumb movie facts to and no one to ask dumb movie facts about. I feel like I’m actively drowning. I hate that I’m attempting a life of normalcy when all I wanna do is scream and cry and just for once give up. I’m tired of being “strong” I’m tired of all these shitty things happening in my fucking life. I’m tired of crying. I’m so so tired of crying. When you cry this much you don’t wanna cry anymore because not only is it time consuming its physically draining. And then there’s time. So much of it is empty because my dad isn’t here to fill the spots of boredom. And with the time I have it’s hard to be productive. I know he’s gone and I know he’s not coming back but it hurts to think he’s dead like everyone else. It hurts so much that I didn’t get to say goodbye. Nobody gets that I spent everyday with him and and we hung out everyday and just talked and watched tv. We’d go get food together and go to the grocery store. I’m tired of him being dead. Living in a world where he isn’t here is not a world I care to be a part of. I hope life flies by so I can see my dad again soon. I only believe in heaven cause he’s definitely there. I just want my dad. I’d give anything to have him back. I guess I’ll just have to float for now.

[sammymcfarland]

Blessed Solstice ❄

[sammymcfarland]

Willow and Eda’s sister in the flashbacks are too alike for me I am very suspicious

[sammymcfarland]

[sammymcfarland]

[sammymcfarland]