sapphicwilds - Tumblr blog

sapphicwilds · 2 years

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OMG I LOVE THIS SO MUCH!!! Thank you!!!!!!!!!! This is so much fun and absolutely amazing 😍

New Year, New Neil

Happy @aftgexchange to @sapphicwilds!! Hope I did your prompts justice! Enjoy 🦊!

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“Neil, wake up.” His eyes sputter open to Dan and Allison looming over his bed. With him not having to go to practice today, Neil had planned on sleeping in. Half asleep still, their barging-in floods him with worry.

“Ehm? What’s up? What’s happening?”

Allison briskly pulls the blanket back off of him, the cold air kissing his skin and raising goosebumps. “After we got the make-up yesterday, we talked and we thought that we should do more. So,” she pauses dramatically, “Us girls have the day off from practice and we are taking you shopping.”

“What?” Neil sits himself up, rubbing the sleep from his eyes and not sure if he heard that completely correctly.

From behind the two, a smaller voice pipes up. “I never knew you had such gorgeous blue eyes, Neil. We are taking you shopping. Let’s go,” Renee says, animatedly.

“But I don’t need anything.” Neil runs a hand shakily through his hair to wake himself up. Without a mirror, he forgot that Riko had exposed his real appearance. Contacts and hair dye gone, he had come back to Palmetto as himself. Mercifully, no one had asked him about it but he had seen the double-takes from the other Foxes.

And yesterday, when Allison had gotten him make-up for his bruises, she hadn’t mentioned anything else about his look but he could see her bristling to hold herself back. He had hoped it would have been overlooked, water under the bridge, but apparently the girls had other plans.

Dan leans down into his bunk and sits down by his knees. “Look, Neil. You said no questions, right? And we aren’t asking anything. But from everything we can see, you were clearly hiding from someone or something before. And no matter what happened over Christmas with Riko, this is the real you now, right?”

Neil props himself up finally, looking puzzled and not quite sure what Dan is trying to say.

Allison sighs and states matter of factly. “Your clothes are a mess and you need a haircut. We’re going. It’s as simple as that.”

Half an hour later, they pile into Matt’s truck who is dropping them off at the mall. “I’ll come back when you’re ready. Just text me,” he promises with a wave before pulling away from the curb.

“Right, let’s see.” Dan consults her phone like she’s reading a schedule. “Your haircut is in 15 minutes so let’s just go straight there first.”

“Haircut?” He echoes. Neil’s hair had grown long and shaggy while he was at Evermore. Riko had forcefully stripped out the nearly black dye but he hadn’t bothered to cut it. He runs a hand through the hair, a pensive look on his face. He can’t remember the last time he had a proper haircut.

“Neil, honestly. This isn’t torture. Take this as a chance to do something for yourself. As crazy as it was at Evermore, maybe it was good that you were able to do this. To reveal your true self. Try to enjoy this, ok?” Allison adds the end a bit more softly, trying to cut the annoyance from her voice. Neil meets her expectant stare. It was easy for her to say. Her perfectly highlighted hair in a messy but deliberate updo. Her smoke-color eyes popping from the violet eyeliner that lightly rims them. She has on a loose lavender sweater with leggings. It is casual for Allison but Neil knows it was still picked with care.

He isn’t completely convinced by her but he nods anyway. He knows better than to argue with the girls. As they go through the double doors leading into the mall, Neil catches a glimpse of himself in the reflection. The image that stares back is still jarring. Besides the initial shock of his appearance at Wymack’s—which was eclipsed by his injuries anyway, this is the first time he properly sees himself. His overly baggy drab clothes hang off of his battered body. His new tattoo reflects sharply on his cheek. Even the make-up won’t cover that.

“Hi, welcome! How can I help?” An edgy looking girl with mermaid hair greets them as they enter the salon.

“Hi, I have an appointment booked under Allison Reynolds,” Allison replies, all business. If anyone, it would be Allison who would be in charge of any makeover. Her immaculate scarlet nails tap on the counter with impatience. She flips her non-existent stray hairs off her face. Her hair is always so perfect that to Neil, it often looks like a wig if he didn’t know better.

Neil gets forced into the salon chair as a handsome and lithe young man approaches with curly hair and frosted tips. He looks like he came out of a 90’s boyband, but in a good way. “Hi y’all. Who do we have here?” His friendly Southern accent instantly warms him to Neil. “I’m Carlos and I’ll be cutting your hair today. What do y’all have in mind?”

He turns, gaping awkwardly to Allison as if asking her for help. “Don’t look at me, Neil. You tell him what you want.”

“Aw, honey. Don’t be shy! Just let me know what you want.”

“I’m not sure,” Neil murmurs quietly, a bit embarrassed. He honestly doesn’t know what he wants because he’s never had to think about it. He looks back at himself in the mirror — practically a stranger. He couldn’t remember the last time he wasn’t in disguise and hiding.

If Carlos found this weird, he didn’t voice it. He coaxes quietly, “Honey, is this your first time? Don’t worry, just let me know how you’d like it and I’ll try to help.”

Allison, not unkindly, leans toward Neil, resting on the counter and facing him. “You like it short, I’m sure? With Exy and all?”

He nods, without even really considering and Carlo helpfully takes over. “Ok, you’re an athlete. Got it. You have this gorgeous natural auburn-y highlight in it so you don't want to completely get rid of that with a buzz or something. Hmm…how about a nice fade? It will stay longer up here but out of your way for games.” The barber lifts up his hair to show Neil how it will sort of look. Neil doesn’t really know but continues to nod in agreement.

“Leave it with me, honey. I promise you’ll like it.” He shoos the girls away who go sit by the front and he starts working while chatting a continuous stream about his own life. Neil doesn’t mind as it takes him away from thinking about his hair. He has never worried about his appearance until now but involuntarily, what Andrew might think comes to mind.

Andrew was still seething since he arrived back from Easthaven and Neil didn’t know how to rectify it. Andrew is pissed but Neil also didn’t regret what he had to do. He would have always gone to Evermore and protected Andrew. It was never a question. However, he did regret the current silent treatment. He hopes it will fix itself as Andrew calms down. No sense in staying angry when it was in the past. Still, a little pang of remorse sits wearily in his chest as he longs for Andrew’s overdue touch.

“There, Now what do y’all think?” Carlo beckons the girls back who come clattering over.

“Oh god, Neil! You look so different. Your hair color is so pretty!” Allison gasps with genuine surprise.

Ever the considerate one, Renee directs her query toward him. “Neil, what do you think? Do you like it?”

Finally, Neil finds the courage to lift his gaze up to the mirror. He hadn’t dared until Carlos had set down the shears. The face that stares back at him is even less recognizable than before. It is him but one Neil hadn’t seen in awhile. Yes, he is older than when he had last looked like this but he somehow now also appears younger. It wasn’t that he looks necessarily happier but there is definitely something different, more carefree.

The cut is pretty similar to Andrew’s, actually. It is short at the sides and a bit longer on top. The parting is more to the side, which somehow accentuates the lighter golden highlights that weave through the red.

He reaches his hand up to touch the tips. Without the color, the strands feel softer. The natural wave in the front frames his face in a way that accentuates his cheekbones. It is minimal, cutting a couple inches off, but it was enough to make a big difference.

Even as they leave the salon, Neil could already feel himself unconsciously standing a bit straighter. He had always been skeptical of the huge change in behavior from those reality makeover shows but now, living this moment himself, he could really see a marked difference. Having never done much for his appearance besides hiding, he hadn’t realized it was a form of self care.

As they were walking through the mall, Neil kept nervously staring at himself from every window and other reflective surfaces. He can’t help but keep checking that nothing has changed. That he hadn’t gone back to the black dye and uncomfortable contacts.

As they approach one end of the mall, they go into a big clothing store. It looks almost like an IKEA with the clean lines and simple light wood finishes. Neil stands awkwardly in the entryway, unsure what to do. Allison sighs and pulls him toward the first rack: a line of orderly sweaters in muted colors ranging from gray to dark blue and greens to blacks. Neil eyes them, they all look a blur to him. He doesn’t know how to even start.

“Well?” Allison asks.

“Ermmm…..” Neil has no sense of what he’s supposed to do.

Renee pushes Allison aside and turns to Neil, taking on a more gentle tone. “This isn’t a test, Neil. I know it’s difficult, it took me a while, too, to learn to be normal. Or as normal as we can be,” she adds, grinning.

“Just look and touch the fabrics and see what feels right to you.”

Neil mimes feeling one of the sleeves even though he doesn’t really know what she means. He runs his fingers across the row, like as he would a piano. Patience restored, Allison moves back into the forefront and selects two of the shirts.

“We are doing this another way. Let’s go.”

She leads him toward the back of the store where along the way, she adds some pants and a t-shirt over her arm. Allison sets the clothes in the changing room and motions to Neil. He gives one last backward glance to Dan and Renee who send encouraging smiles.

“Go on in. Try these two together first,” Allison gestures. It’s an authoritative tone but it’s not mean. She slides the curtain shut.

Neil stands there, looking at himself in the mirror. He’s wearing one of his usual overlarge sweatshirts that’s tinted a bit blue from all the many mixed washes. It’s been washed so many times, he can’t even remember the original color. His pants are equally drab, a pair of shapeless charcoal chinos that hit over his shoes. It’s a weird juxtaposition as his haircut no longer fits the rest of his body. Neil runs his hands through it again just to see his reflection move and confirm the owner.

“Are you trying things on, Neil?” A matronly tone calls out from the other side of the curtain that spurs him into action. He grabs the outfit and puts it on.

He doesn’t recognize the person looking back at him. There seems to be a weight off his shoulders and he stands straighter. He also looks his age, for once. The thin navy merino sweater with the dark tan khakis accentuates his thin waist and cut arms.

“It’s not an everyday look, I know. But I just wanted you to try something a bit nicer. Like for press days or banquets even.”

He swings back the curtain to let them gawk at him. The girls are squealing like teenagers and fawning over him. In a weird way, he secretly enjoys it. He’s not used to the attention but he can practically feel the endorphins rising with every verbal affirmation.

After he tries on a couple more looks, Neil takes the first one and one more to the register. He’s never spent so much money in his life on anything for himself. Before they came, he had pulled out some cash from his binder and he now relinquishes it to the salesperson.

Laden with bags, Allison forces them to one more store. Surprisingly, Renee steps in, a new level of firmness that she rarely exhibits.

“I want Neil to choose. Neil,” she probes, nodding to him. “Pretend we aren’t here. Pick some stuff for yourself.”

Neil opens his mouth to protest. “I have enough. Allison went crazy in that last place.”

The fashionista rolls her eyes. “Three outfits is hardly overboard. Don’t be so dramatic.”

He turns to Dan for help who shrugs, a bit mischievously. “Don’t look at me. They’re in charge today. I’m just here for my Panda Express.”

“Come on, Neil,” Renee chides as she pushes him inside. “To avoid any added pressure, we will stay here.” She gestures to the sofa near the front of the store. Allison starts to protest and Dan elbows her in the ribs to silence her.

Neil walks the several steps into the middle of the shop. His eyes scan the rows of colorful clothing. He feels like he’s stepped into somewhere foreign, unfamiliar. He doesn’t know where to start or what he is even looking for.

He turns and sees the three girls egging him on, pressing him on encouragingly. He takes a deep breath and exhales. Somehow facing Riko seemed easier than this. He approaches the first table in front of him and looks at the t-shirts there.

Neil picks up a faded black tee. He picks it up because it reminds him of Andrew. It’s so similar to one of the many black tees that Andrew pulls off. In a way, it’s interesting. Andrew had a traumatic childhood too but his nearly all black wardrobe is something he chose for himself in the meantime. Something he had time to do for himself. And it’s nothing less than cool. It’s cavalier and chic but it’s also saying ‘don’t fuck with me’. What does Neil want his own style to say?

He picks up a washed-out heather gray tee that has a distressed look to it. Neil’s not sure why he picked it up but he likes how it looks almost drip dyed with accidental bleach or something. It’s not quite perfect like the crisp white tee that Allison bought him at the last place. Still, he likes this quality about it and in fact, it feels more familiar than anything else he’s worn so far today. It feels a bit like him.

Holding onto this feeling, Neil weaves through the shop and heads eventually into the back fitting room. He tries on the gray tee and some faded black jeans. They’re slim with a couple rips in the knees. They remind him of a pair of Andrew’s but the muted look makes the black less stark. Neil knows he doesn’t have to run anymore but nevertheless, the thought of bright colors and standing out in a crowd still unnerves him. Even his natural hair, the red so eye-popping in comparison to the box dye black, was jarring for him at first.

Walking outside, he hears a chorus of squeals. “Neil, oh my god!” They run up to him and Renee can't help but hug him. It makes it all seem so dramatic and one of the salesclerks even looks over, raising a thin eyebrow at them.

“You look hot,” Dan affirms, approvingly.

Allison doesn’t say anything, merely smiles. Finally, she simply adds, snarkily, “My work here is done. The student has surpassed the teacher.”

After several minutes of gawking and looking at the rest of his picks — all similar to this initial outfit — Neil goes back to get changed. His eyes skate over his reflection in the mirror a final time. With the tousled hair and the outfit, he is unrecognizable. But there is a sparkling glean to the eye of the guy in the mirror. He’s standing more confidently then Neil has ever done. There is also a hint of a smirk, the right side of his mouth curling up just so. Whoever this person is, Neil likes him. He wants to be him.

Smoothing his hands over the hem of the shirt and onto the jeans, he finally recognizes that it’s really him. This is Neil Josten. A student at Palmetto State. A striker on the Foxes. A regular guy. He likes that thought. And Nathaniel Wesninski died so that Neil Josten could live. He should live. Maybe Riko finding out his real identity was the blessing he needed. So he could live.

“These are all on me,” Renee said firmly, gently pushing Neil’s hand away and handing the salesperson her credit card. “You deserve something nice. You do so much for us and we are so glad you came to Palmetto.”

Neil doesn’t respond but a warm feeling overwhelms him and he has to swallow thickly to keep it inside. Despite his best efforts, this group of people had somehow wormed their way into his heart and he can’t help but love them. They really saw him even when he didn’t see himself.

After they go to the food court and eat a heinous but delicious lunch of Sbarro and Panda Express, Matt picks them up and they make the short drive back to the dorm. Neil wrings his hands, wiping them on his new jeans, at the thought of the monsters seeing him. Deep down, he knows it’s not the monsters he cares about, but Andrew.

They walk into the hallway and Dan and Allison are leading the way chatting animatedly. Behind him is Matt who he knows can sense his nerves. The girls wave goodbye as they go into their room. Matt prods him as his eyes dart over to the monsters’ room.

“Go on. You look great,” Matt whispers gently.

With a deep breath, Neil goes and opens the door of the monsters’ room.

“WOW!” Nicky looks up from the TV once and then back again as recognition dawns. “Holy shit, Neil, you look amazing. Were your eyes always blue?”

He comes up surveying Neil and orbiting around him to excitedly touch his hair and clothes. Kevin is sitting at his desk by the window, an Exy game playing on his laptop. He turns and glances over at Neil and gives him a once over. He doesn’t make any remarks but then again, he’s the only one that had ever seen Neil before he went on the run.

At long last, or so it seemed, Neil’s eyes flick to Andrew who is on the desk next to him. He sits on top of the desk, his feet on the chair and one hand out the window with a lit cigarette. Neil feels his heartbeat quicken, thumping so hard he thinks his chest might crack open. Nicky is still carrying on a steady stream of one-sided conversation but Neil can’t hear it. His eyes have gone tunnel vision and all he sees is Andrew.

The hazel eyes stare at him, the face impassive as ever. He hasn’t spoken to Neil once since he returned from Easthaven. He takes a long drag from the cigarette and turns his head slightly to exhale, without taking his eyes off Neil. A second later, the corner of his mouth turns up, the barest hint of a smile. It’s so faint that Neil almost thinks he imagines it. Andrew doesn’t say anything but Neil doesn’t need him to. It’s enough. He knows they’ll be ok.

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sapphicwilds · 2 years

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I’m so so sorry for the late posting! This is my fic to @eloquent-apollo for the @aftgexchange! I tried to avoid as much angst as possible, but there’s some Jean musing about the nest at the beginning before we get to the cookie baking fluff! I really hope you enjoy and had a great holiday!!

Jean had never celebrated Christmas before. Hypothetically he had before, but Jean’s memories of before were mostly blurry at best. The good ones had faded away, tucked away at first for safe keeping, and then forgotten as a sense of self-preservation. He was sure he might be able to find them again, pull away the curtain and rediscover something long forgotten, but he didn’t want to. Things were going, somehow, well. His first semester at USC hadn’t been a complete nightmare. It had been touch and go, at times it had been down right disastrous, but he had made it all the way to December without breaking any new bones, though there had been a few new breakdowns.

But the Trojans hadn’t abandoned him, no matter how much he might have deserved it at times. They endured his shouting, his vitriol, his Raven standards, and his impossible critiques. They curbed the worst of his sharp tongue and every day he was learning to better bite it back, to evaluate, to rephrase at an attempt at being kind. He was trying hard to be kind. Some days it was worth it. Some days it wasn’t.

With everyone buzzing about the holiday break, it was getting hard to stop himself from seething. He knew the Ravens’ standards were… absurd. He had always known that– Jean wasn’t stupid. But he had lived with those standards for so long that he felt himself chafing under Coach’s restrictions. Practices were over, his training schedule had been cut, and his therapist wanted him to take it easy. And Jean was trying. Jeremy helped make it bearable. When Jean started itching to throw himself onto the court, to throw himself against the offensive line until he’d worn them and himself to the ground, when he wanted to keep pushing– Jeremy could see it coming sometimes even before Jean was able to identify the mounting frustration, the innate terror. Jeremy was looking at him that way now, kindly concerned and like he was already formulating a plan to do something about it.

“Hey,” Jeremy said. He didn’t say it gently. Jeremy had stopped being overly gentle after the long summer of anger and misunderstanding between the two of them. Now he was just straight forward, but still kind. Jeremy was kind to everyone, but especially to Jean. “Got anything planned for the rest of the afternoon?”

Jeremy knew he didn’t, but Jean still shook his head. Classes were over, practice was done, and Jean was… restless. He didn’t know what to do. Most of the team had already left and very few students were even remaining on campus. It would probably just be Jean and some of the international students for the week and a half long break.

“Want to head down to the student kitchens? I had some holiday baking I wanted to get done before I drove home tomorrow.”

Holiday baking was not in their diet plan, but Jean bit his tongue. “Yes,” he agrees. “Let’s go.”

It was a quick walk down from the dorms to the kitchens. It was three flights of stairs down to the basements. They passed barely anyone in the halls, so it was easy for Jean to listen to Jeremy’s easy chatter about his last history paper and his calc exam. Jean felt pretty confident about his own end of term exams. Classes weren’t easy, but it was easier at USC than at Evermore, that was for sure.

“Can you help me pull out the stuff?” Jeremy asked, handing Jean a notecard. Jean took it carefully. The paper was thin and worn, the edges frayed from years of use and the odd stain. It looked old. Older than Jeremy for sure. “It’s my grandmother’s,” he explained without needing to be asked. “Her recipe, I mean. We’ve used it in my family for years.”

“That’s nice,” Jean said and he meant it. He started reaching into the cabinets to try and find what they needed. Jeremy was taking care of the flour and everything else, leaving Jean to pull out the mixing bowls and measuring cups. He wasn’t very familiar with baking, but Laila and Bryant and been bullied into helping. It was easy, doing what he was told with little to no consequences.

“I know store bought cookie dough is still good,” he said as he began to measure things out. Jean read the recipe over Jeremy’s shoulder, reaching for the ingredients he’d need next. “But, you know, we’ve always used this recipe. It’s got just the right amount of orange in it.” Jeremy is working the sugar cookie dough with a wooden spoon he pulled out of one of the drawers, biting his lip in concentration as he evaluated his creation.

“Orange?” Jean responded, “In sugar cookies?” Jean’s brow furrows, confused.

“Yes,” Jeremy said, voice light with laughter. “Just a little bit of orange zest goes a long way. That’s what my grandmother always says.”

Jean can’t exactly argue, so instead he just keeps following directions for the icing. It’s so much sugar that Jean can’t help but wrinkle his nose in disgust. He scooped the icing into individual bowls and added the food coloring.

“What are you decorating them as?”

“We are decorating them as whatever we want. I think the snowmen are the most fun though because you can get really creative with their scarves and hats and stuff. Too bad we don’t have access to my ma’s sprinkle collection. She gets really intense about this sort of stuff.”

“Ah,” Jean said dryly, “nothing like you then.”

Jeremy laughed, light and airy and Jean relished in the sound. It was such a comforting sound– it was so unlike anything Jean was used to hearing.

Once the cookies were out of the oven, they let them cool. Jean wasn’t sure how successful he was going to be at this whole decorating thing. The cookies were in all different shapes– snowmen, stocking, and snowflakes.

“Hey,” Jeremy said softly. “This is going to be fun, okay?”

“I have…” Jean said haltingly. Jeremy already knew about his unconventional childhood. This wouldn’t be shocking– possibly the least shocking thing Jean had ever said to him, but it was still hard to put into words. “I have never done this before,” he confessed. Jeremy just smiled.

“Well, we can do it together then.” Jeremy smiled and Jean tried to smile back, letting go of his unsurity and picking up an icing bag. He lost himself in the focus of carefully putting pressure on the piping bag to get the icing to come out. It wasn’t coming out quite right and Jean felt himself getting more and more frustrated.

“Want me to help?” Jeremy asked and Jean shook his head. Jeremy backed off, but Jean could still feel him watching. Just as he was about to snap, he felt something squirt across his face. Jean looked up, startled, to see Jeremy grinning with a blue piping bag in hand. Jean wiped the icing off his cheek and looked at it thoughtfully.

Without a second thought, Jean took the icing and wiped it across Jeremy’s brow. Jeremy began to laugh, a bright and shining thing, as he squirted more icing. Jean tried to duck, before realizing the only real solution was to retaliate. He squirted green icing from his own piping bag which sprayed over Jeremy’s shirt. His face lit up delighted and they both forgot about the cookies entirely as they darted around the kitchen.

By the end, Jean was laughing and Jeremy looked like he won the fight, despite the splotches of green icing smeared across his forehead and the entire mess of his shirt. Jean wiped the icing off his own face, still laughing.

“The dietitian isn’t watching us 24/7, you know?” Jeremy said. “You can try one. You should! We worked hard on these.”

“We only finished half of them,” Jean said. Jeremy shrugged.

“I’ll box up the rest and finish them when I get home. My mom will be thrilled.”

Jean swallowed his shame and smiled. Jeremy was right and the cookies did look good. He carefully picked up one of the uglier snowmen and bit its head off. “Hmmm,” he hummed after a moment. “That is good.”

Jeremy grinned and Jean felt well rewarded.

“You know,” Jeremy said after a quiet moment. He was shifting nervously, running his hands through his long hair, “my house is only a few hours away if you wanted to hand deliver these. I know you don’t have any plans for the holidays, but if you wanted some place to spend sometime…” he trailed off, no longer meeting Jean’s eyes.

“I…” Jean replied, trying to parse through the storm of emotions that was forming in his chest, “...I would love that, Jeremy.”

Jean had never celebrated Christmas before. He wasn’t sure he remembered how to. But like so many things, Jean was relearning things day by day and Jeremy was right beside him, helping him along.

#fic #jeremy knox #Jean Moreau #jerjean #aftg #aftgexchange

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sapphicwilds · 2 years

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Okay okay jumping off this great post from @neilsexy about Nicky hate to also talk about my Riko thoughts.

I find the treatment of Riko by the fandom fascinating. Calling it The Azula Effect cuz it's just like how a lot of Zuko fans treated Azula.

Riko is an antagonist, a villain, yes. He's literally there specifically for you to hate, so if you hate him, he's fulfilled his narrative purpose. BUT! There's this weird puritanical pathologizing of Riko and Riko fans that our protagonists don't receive, which I think points to modern fandom's whole "evangelical conservative beliefs with a gay coat of paint" thing.

Riko is a villain, but he's also an abuse victim whose only outlet is abusing others (and he is encouraged to do so by his environment). He holds a terrifying level of power over the protagonists, which masks how little power he has over his own life.

Riko isn't a sadist for just for the fuck of it. There is a meaning to his cruelty. When he abuses people, it's an attempt to keep his delicate social standing and illusion of power--which is all he has--by discouraging his peers from acting against him. There is a meaning to Andrew's cruelty as well, and fandom is totally fine with you sympathizing with that meaning and still loving Andrew despite his violence... but that same fandom will discourage you from having any sympathy for Riko's meaning and treat him as some special case of Inexcusable. Not to say Andrew's actions are on par with Riko's, or to discount all the work Andrew did to grow, but there is hypocrisy there.

Folks will designate Riko as evil from birth rather than circumstance, saying a lot of shit that sounds very "mentally ill people are inhuman monsters" and "sinners can never be forgiven and will burn in hell for eternity." This whole idea of "good person vs bad person" instead of "good actions vs bad actions" is just unhelpfully reductive.

Also, the very force driving Riko is the desire of a traumatized kid to be loved by his family. But because his family are cruel mob bosses, the only means to gaining love he sees are through enacting that same cruelty. And the great tragedy of Riko, and what makes him such a compelling character to me, is that all of that cruelty he used as a shield and a plea couldn't protect him or garner him love in the end.

Riko never had a Wymack (an "Uncle Iroh" so to speak). He never had someone who believed in him, which is what made all the difference in the lives of the Foxes. Because Riko was born a Moriyama, he never had an escape or a second chance, and his life was never going to end in anything but a bullet to the head when he became a nuisance. That's the difference between him and our protagonists. Not some special evil gene that made him incapable of humanity. He was a traumatized and flawed human being just like the protagonists, but unlike them, he never had an opportunity to grow. I know I'm overly optimistic, but I believe that everyone can change if they have the drive and resources to do so. It's come from a hard reworking of my beliefs to move away from punitive justice and towards restorative justice. And it's a theme I found prevalent in AFTG.

So why aren't fans allowed feel sympathy for Riko? It feels like wildly missing the point of the series to insist he is the one exception to its themes. You don't have to excuse any of a character's actions to sympathize with them or believe they deserve a second chance.

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sapphicwilds · 2 years

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Neil Josten 🦊✨

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sapphicwilds · 2 years

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My piece for @catasterisms as part of the fall @aftgexchange! They asked for fairytale renison :)

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sapphicwilds · 2 years

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sapphicwilds · 5 years

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u say u think aht renee a lot and that just broke my heart so please. break it some more i want to hear ur Thoughts on her,,

It goes like this–She is trying to be a good person.There is blood under her nails on her hands up her arms but she is trying to leave that behind. When the man with the pristine coat crosses in front of her she does not stab him. She does not shout. She steps aside and forces her demon-claw hands into fists. She looks down and she is holding the man’s wallet. Guilt tastes like stale coffee, in the police station she returns the wallet to.She is trying to be a good person.Andrew thinks he can fight, but he’s never been up against someone who knows what she’s doing. He’s too angry, too sloppy, and he always leaves his neck exposed. If Renee wanted, she could have him on the ground in a matter of seconds. If she tried, he would be dead. The thought is scornful. The thought is disgusting. Guilt tastes like holy wine, turned to vinegar from bad keeping.She is trying to be a good person.Allison brings in a stack of movies and tells Renee they’re going to watch them, because Renee has missed out on these best of childhood girl experiences. Dan unscrews her second-favorite nail polish, and the cracking of the dried mess under the cap reminds Renee of fingerbones breaking, hours after death, tacky with clotting blood. She splays her hand out to Dan and tells herself this shouldn’t require trust. Allison on her other side says her grip is so strong it’s cutting the circulation to her fingers. Guilt tastes like potato chips and Coca-cola, insufficient for an athlete’s hunger.She is trying to be a good person. They think she is already. She is not. She is trying.

#tfc #renee walker

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sapphicwilds · 5 years

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300 fox way

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sapphicwilds · 5 years

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it’s a day late but.. HAPPY BIRTHDAY @wesawbears !!!!!!

Congrats on being such an amazing person for all your years so far! ILY BRO!

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sapphicwilds · 5 years

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neil: yeah we got engaged

matt, to andrew: you should’ve asked me first

andrew: we don’t even know each other that well

#i need a world where matt and andrew are friends

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sapphicwilds · 5 years

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Hey so I don’t even know if this blog is still active/if you still write since I just found it but your John Doe fic somehow snuck its way into my top five in the fandom?? I know it’s probably super insulting but I wasn’t expecting much going in since I’ve read the majority of the works for aftg and it’s just. I mean I got hooked and I think I went through a million stages of grief that there wasn’t more Anyway ignoring that I just wanted to let you know it was amazing:)!

omg hi!!! i’m actually getting back into the aftg fandom?? if you have prompts or pieces you want to hear more about pls pls pls just message me or shoot me an ask!! i don’t want to say anything definte because life is a shit show but i’m actually reworking my fic stitch yourself back together and am trying to write more so hmu!!! and even if not your ask just completely made my day holy shit

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sapphicwilds · 6 years

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A-WLW-Reads Reviews Masterlist

I’ve had this blog for over a year now and I feel like a lot of great books get lost in the shuffle so I’m going to be continuously updating this list, arranged by genre, of books I’ve reviewed or recommended (and personally have read)!

Contemporary (Middle Grade)

Drum Roll, Please by Lisa Jenn Bigelow

P.S. I Miss You by Jen Petro-Roy

Ivy Aberdeen’s Letter to the World by Ashley Herring Blake

Star-Crossed by Barbara Dee

Contemporary (Young Adult)

We Are Okay by Nina LaCour

The House You Pass on the Way by Jacqueline Woodson

Dating Sarah Cooper by Siera Maley

Girl Mans Up by M-E Girard

A Love Story Starring My Dead Best Friend by Emily Horner

Georgia Peaches and Other Forbidden Fruit by Jaye Robin Brown

Run by Kody Keplinger

Empress of the World by Sara Ryan

Everything Leads to You by Nina LaCour

Tessa Masterson Will Go to Prom by Emily Franklin and Brendan Halpin

Far From Xanadu by Julie Anne Peters

The Miseducation of Cameron Post by Emily M. Danforth

Not Otherwise Specified by Hannah Moskowitz

Good Moon Rising by Nancy Garden

Annie on My Mind by Nancy Garden

The Year They Burned the Books by Nancy Garden

My Best Friend, Maybe by Caela Carter

If You Could Be Mine by Sara Farizan

Dare Truth or Promise by Paula Boock

Ask the Passengers by A.S. King

Queens of Geek by Jen Wilde

Let’s Talk About Love by Claire Kann

Tell Me Again How a Crush Should Feel by Sara Farizan

Ship It by Britta Lundin

37 Things I Love (In No Particular Order) by Kekla Magoon

Her Name in the Sky by Kelly Quindlen

Keeping You A Secret by Julie Anne Peters

Radio Silence by Alice Oseman

Leah on the Offbeat by Becky Albertalli

What We Left Behind by Robin Talley

Our Own Private Universe by Robin Talley

Kissing Kate by Lauren Myracle

Little & Lion by Brandy Colbert

The Bermudez Triangle by Maureen Johnson

Scars by Cheryl Rainfield

The Difference Between You and Me by Madeline George

Moon at Nine by Deborah Ellis

Sister Mischief by Laura Goode

Final Draft by Riley Redgate

Being Emily by Rachel Gold

Kaleidoscope Song by Fox Benwell

The Summer of Jordi Perez (And the Best Burger in Los Angeles) by Amy Spalding

You Know Me Well by Nina LaCour and David Levithan

Contemporary

Landing by Emma Donoghue

Truth Weekend by Erin Jones

Sing You Home by Jodi Picoult

I Can’t Think Straight by Shamim Sarif

Last Words from Montmartre by Qui Miaojin

Edge of Glory by Rachel Spangler

Disobedience by Naomi Adlerman

Waiting in the Wings by Melissa Brayden

My Education by Susan Choi

Gut Symmetries by Jeanette Winterson

The Paths of Marriage by Mala Kumar

Thaw by Elyse Springer

Challah and Callaloo by La Toya Hankins

Out on Good Behavior by Dahlia Adler

Double Exposure by Chelsea M. Cameron

Roller Girl by Vanessa North

Lost and Found by Carolyn Parkhurst

Treasure by Rebekah Weatherspoon

Far From Home by Lorelie Brown

The Others by Seba Al-Herz

A Map of Home by Randa Jarrar

In the Silence by Jaimie Leigh McGovern

Bright Lines by Tanwi Nandini Islam

Marriage of a Thousand Lies by SJ Sindu

Rat Bohemia by Sarah Schulman

Tailor-Made by Yolanda Wallace

Fantasy

Labyrinth Lost by Zoraida Córdova (YA)

Ash by Malinda Lo (YA)

Robins in the Night by Dajo Jago

Love in the Time of Global Warming and The Island of Excess Love by Francesca Lia Block (YA)

About A Girl by Sarah McCarry (YA)

Huntress by Malinda Lo (YA)

Libyrinth by Pearl North (YA)

The Dark Wife by Sarah Diemer

Girls Made of Snow and Glass by Melissa Bashardoust (YA)

Gretel: A Fairy Tale Retold by Niamh Murphy

The Shattering by Karen Healey (YA)

The Witch Sea by Sarah Diemer

The Second Mango by Shira Glassman

Of Fire and Stars and Inkmistress by Audrey Coulthurst (YA)

The Prince and Her Dreamer by Kayla Bashe

Cinnamon Blade: Knife in Shining Armor by Shira Glassman

Science Fiction

The Abyss Surrounds Us and The Edge of the Abyss by Emily Skrutskie (YA)

Dreadnought and Sovereign by April Daniels (YA)

Otherbound by Corinne Duyvis (YA)

The Long Way to A Small, Angry Planet by Becky Chambers

Finding Hekate by Kellie Doherty

Not Your Sidekick by C.B. Lee (YA)

Valhalla by Ari Bach

Solitaire by Kelley Eskridge

Adaptation, Inheritance, and Natural Selection by Malinda Lo (YA)

That Inevitable Victorian Thing by E.K. Johnston (YA)

Ascension by Jacqueline Koyanagi

Warrior Woman by Marion Zimmer Bradley

Necrotech by K.C. Alexander

Ammonite by Nicola Griffith

Sappho’s Bar and Grill by Bonnie J. Morris

Historical

Oranges Are Not the Only Fruit by Jeanette Winterson

Wildthorn by Jane Eagland (YA)

Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe by Fannie Flag

Honey Girl by Lisa Freeman

Frog Music by Emma Donoghue

The Necessary Hunger by Nina Revoyr (YA)

The Color Purple by Alice Walker

Coffee Will Make You Black by April Sinclair

Rubyfruit Jungle by Rita Mae Brown

The Ada Decades by Paula Martinac

Lies We Tell Ourselves by Robin Talley (YA)

The Night Watch by Sarah Waters

Fingersmith by Sarah Waters

The Paying Guests by Sarah Waters

Tipping the Velvet by Sarah Waters

Affinity by Sarah Waters

The Price of Salt by Patricia Highsmith

The Well of Loneliness by Radclyffe Hall

Odd Girl Out by Ann Bannon

Under the Udala Trees by Chinelo Okparanta

Another Life Altogether by Elaine Beale (YA)

Hood by Emma Donoghue

The Teahouse Fire by Ellis Avery

Loving Her by Ann Allen Shockley

Hild by Nicola Griffith

Bittersweet by Nevada Barr

Mrs. Dalloway by Virginia Woolf

Orlando by Virginia Woolf

Against the Season by Jane Rule

Stone Butch Blues by Leslie Feinberg

The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo by Taylor Jenkins Reid

Poetry

Ask Me How I Got Here by Christine Heppermann (YA)

The Monkey’s Mask by Dorothy Porter

The Black Unicorn: Poems by Audre Lorde

Coal by Audre Lorde

The Cold and the Rust: Poems by Emily Van Kley

If Not, Winter: Fragments of Sappho by Sappho trans. Anne Carson

Living as a Lesbian: Poetry by Cheryl Clarke

Not Vanishing by Chrystos

Rock | Salt | Stone by Rosamond S. King

Mystery/Thriller

Jam Jars by Yonnette Anderson

Finder of Lost Objects by Susie Hara

A Line in the Dark by Malinda Lo (YA)

Far From You by Tess Sharpe (YA)

Echo After Echo by Amy Rose Capetta (YA)

Steampunk

Heart of Brass by Morven Moeller

Karen Memory by Elizabeth Bear (YA)

Everfair by Nisi Shawl

The Dark Victorian: Risen, The Dark Victorian: Bones and Ice Demon by Elizabeth Watasin

Memoir

Zami: A New Spelling of My Name by Audre Lorde

Saving Alex: When I Was Fifteen I Told My Mormon Parents I Was Gay and That’s When My Nightmare Began by Alex Cooper

The Other Side of Paradise by Staceyann Chin

How Poetry Saved My Life: A Hustler’s Memoir by Amber Dawn

Two or Three Things I Know for Sure by Dorothy Allison

Why Be Happy When You Could Be Normal? by Jeanette Winterson

Dirty River: A Queer Femme of Color Dreaming Her Way Home by Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha

Eating Fire: My Life as a Lesbian Avenger by Kelly Cogswell

(See also Spinning, Fun Home: A Family Tragicomic, My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness, and Snapshots of a Girl under Graphic Novels)

Horror/Paranormal

Bleeding Earth by Kaitlin Ward (YA)

As I Descended by Robin Talley (YA)

Shallow Graves by Kali Wallace (YA)

Mad House: Vengeful Vampires by Bria Lin

Dread Nation by Justina Ireland (YA)

The Red Tree by Caitlín R. Kiernan

Hocus Pocus & The All-New Sequel by A.W. Jantha (YA)

The Gilda Stories by Jewelle Gomez

Nonfiction

Odd Girls and Twilight Lovers: A History of Lesbian Life in the Twentieth-Century by Lillian Faderman

To Believe in Women: What Lesbians Have Done for America - A History by Lillian Faderman

Victory: The Triumphant Gay Revolution by Linda Hirshman

Sappho Was A Right-On Woman: A Liberated View of Lesbianism by Sidney Abbott and Barbara Love

Gay L.A.: A History of Sexual Outlaws, Power Politics, and Lipstick Lesbians by Lillian Faderman and Stuart Timmons

Tell: Love, Defiance, and the Military Trial at the Tipping Point for Gay Rights by Major Margaret Witt with Tim Connor

Sapphistries: A Global History of Love Between Women by Leila J. Rupp

Anthology/Short Stories

Queer Africa: New and Collected Fiction edited by Karen Martin and Makhosazana Xaba

Compreñeras: Latina Lesbians: An Anthology edited by Juanita Ramos

Speaking for Ourselves: Short Stories by Jewish Lesbians edited by Irene Zahava

Kissing the Witch: Old Tales in New Skins by Emma Donoghue

All Out: The No-Longer-Secret Stories of Queer Teens edited by Saundra Mitchell (YA)

Bareed Mista3jil edited by Meem

Tangled Sheets: Stories & Poems of Lesbian Lust edited by Rosamund Elwin and Karen X. Tulchinsky

The Penguin Book of Lesbian Short Stories edited by Margaret Reynolds

A Safe Girl to Love by Casey Plett

The Vintage Book of International Lesbian Fiction edited by Naomi Holoch and Joan Nestle

Dispatches from Lesbian America edited by Xequina Maria Berber, Giovanna Capone, and Cheela Romain Smith

Lesbian Nuns: Breaking Silence edited by Rosemary Curb and Nancy Manahan

The Lesbian Path edited by Margaret Cruikshank

Am I Blue?: Coming Out from the Silence edited by Marion Dane Bauer (YA)

The Dirt Chronicles by Kristyn Dunnion

Mentsh: On Being Jewish and Queer edited by Angela Brown

Toil & Trouble: 15 Tales of Women and Witchcraft edited by Jessica Spotswood and Tess Sharpe

Graphic Novel/Comic

Skim by Mariko Tamaki

Bingo Love by Tee Franklin

Spinning by Tillie Walden

Fun Home: A Family Tragicomic by Alison Bechdel

Motor Crush Vol. 1 and Motor Crush Vol. 2 by Brenden Fletcher

Moonstruck, Vol. 1: Magic to Brew by Grace Ellis (MG)

My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness by Nagata Kabi

Snapshots of a Girl by Beldan Sezen

Love Is Love: A Comic Book Anthology to Benefit the Survivors of the Orlando Pulse Shooting

Bombshells by Marguerite Bennett

Heavy Vinyl by Carly Usdin

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