sardonicyates-blog

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Kate McKinnon as Olya Povlatsky and Colin Jost in episode 42x03

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   ‘ Thanks. ‘      It’s a little difficult for him to accept the compliment, not because he thinks he’s bad at fighting, but because he’s never completely proud of the aggressively violet and inexhaustible foe he becomes when he’s put in the wrong position. He’s deadly. And he doesn’t want to be proud of that because what happens to his morality and his standards then? He has to keep himself anchored as the human being that he is, and to do that he’s been grasping firmly to humility.      He grimaces as the the needle goes through the first time and tweaks his fingers against the curb, gripping down to deal with the pain. He doesn’t like needles. He’s gotten way too used to them over the years, but they still make him uncomfortable. As she finishes off the stitches he releases his sleeve and lets his shirt pop back into place. 

‘ That’s me -- noble. ‘ he says, his voice filled with exaggerated valor as he chuckles and nods. ‘ Yeah, no. We’re not apologizing for this. We only did what anyone would have done in our situation, and we can’t be punished for acting on protective impulses. Really all this has done is proven that we’re good partners. ‘ 

     ‘ Y’not too shabby y’self, man. ’  

     Holtz knots off the stitch she’s working on and bumps knuckles fondly against Alex’s chest. Her own fists ache with the muscle memory of the fight, of bones cracking jaws and pounding flesh. She inhales slowly, carefully, and stifles a wince of pain because there are still splinters in her hair, clinging to the shoulders of her jacket from where a particularly unruly bar patron broke a chair across her back. For his violent trouble, Alex broke his jaw two seconds later, because her partner is nothing if not a bruiser in a fight. Brutal and calculating, the kind who can take you down in three blows or less if he really wanted.

     ( How is she in a fight though, you ask? Everything and anything is free game. That’s it. That’s all that matters. Nothing is off limits. )

     Hooked needle slides clean through flesh and it’s only another minute and Holtz is done. She cuts off the extra thread and sets the needle aside, taking up the rest of the first aid kid and finding a dressing. She smiles at his words — he’s right, they are the most valuable agents in the field at the moment. They’ve been posing as Penelope and Aaron Drake for some months now, and already they’ve met Durand and established a relationship. It’s the long game at the moment, moving to cities a few weeks after he relocates, casually bumping into him. Her cover work as a mechanic, Alex’s as a budding entrepreneur for his yoga business, and their “newlywed” status means they’ve got a perfectly plausible cover for shifting around after him.

     The agency can’t afford to bring them in yet.

     ‘ It was noble, wasn’t it? ’   Holtz’s grin is wolfish as she tapes the dressing across his collarbone.   ‘ They insulted my honour and you defended me and I couldn’t possibly leave you to fight alone. ’   Back up at the precinct, the glass doors slide open and their handler emerges, striding toward them both.   ‘ We’re not sorry, right? I’m not. ’

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   ‘ A pretty face and an absolutely rockin’ athletic body, ‘ Alex corrects her, chuckling as she confirms the plan. He crosses to the fridge and grabs a Coke before returning to plop back down on the workbench. ‘ Awesome. ‘ he listens to her speak and has to swallow down his Coke a little hastily, the joke catching him severely off guard. He chuckles and coughs, leaning forward a little too far. ‘ Jesus Christ, Holtzmann, that’s a mental image. ‘

He watches as she rolls out from underneath the car and resists the urge to laugh at the oil she’s soaked in. It’s really no big surprise, she’s constantly covered in something. It’s something in her nature that he’ll never fully understand. She’s impossibly clumsy for someone with such good reflexes. But hey, she probably doesn’t need to be laughed at. That was a nice shirt she was wearing. Well, as nice as their fake suburban clothes got.  ‘ Okay, I’m trying to figure out if we should invite the people we’re cheating with each other on. ‘ He tells her as he follows her to the bathroom.  ‘ Because on one hand, announcing our choice to adopt a child in front of our supposed mistresses might dispel the rumors, but on the other hand, the rumors are so fun and I kind of want to feed into them. Thoughts? ‘

     ‘ And to think I thought I was marrying you because you were just a pretty face. ’   Holtz gives the engine a good whack with her wrench, just because she can. It rings loud and true, buzzing in her ears for a moment as she rolls a little forward so she can reach up behind the air conditioning and touch the back of the engine.   ‘ Potluck and adoption it is. ’   Meaningful pause. She spends a little time groping around, regretting the choice to not bother with a flashlight.   ‘ Providing, ’   she says,   ‘ that with our next mission I get to be pregnant. I wanna bodyslam bitches with the fake stomach. ’

     And with a great spurt of oil when she nudges something she shouldn’t, the liquid spraying in her face and soaking her clothes, Holtz tears a small device from the metal. A bug. A GPS tracker. The agent takes a moment to snort out some oil from her nose, and quickly take the bug apart, slipping the pieces into her bra. Then, with great show and a heaving sigh, she rolls back out from beneath the car. Covered in grime and grease and oil ( though, admittedly, she’s been covered in worse ) she sits up, looks to Alex, and says:

     ‘ Walk and talk, I need a shower. I’ll make an apple pie for the potluck, but otherwise you’re on your own. ’

     It’s the only thing she can make.     

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Alex nods as she responds, he’s got to look very invested, like she’s saying something important, because that’s how married couples interact, right? They only really talk if they have something of importance to say to each other, you know, unless they’re in public or making small talk. God, he hopes he never ends up married and bored. He hopes he never ends up married period. He contains the urge to chuckle and very sleekly responds as if they’re discussing the weather. ‘ It might sell it better if you do, but don’t like… ruin me. I have to focus once I get upstairs. I can’t spend the whole time in screaming pain. ‘    There’s a part of him that wishes Falco were into men, or that Holtz were a less erratic fighter, because he really hates hacking. He’s okay at it, but it’s not his speciality by any stretch of the imagination and it always stresses him out beyond belief. He offers his partner a soft smile and removes his elbow from hers, instead taking her hand and gently squeezing it as the elevator takes them to their mission, one floor at a time, causing undue anxiety to swell in his chest.

    As they arrive in the suite, he takes immediate stock of the people that surround them, a veritable who’s who of sketchy assholes with criminal records who, like Falco, want to see the fall of the government and the fall of intelligence and innocent rich people looking for an investment in Falco’s software business. He can identify most of them from the debriefing earlier that week (he’s good with faces, one of many reasons he’s a good agent) and he locks onto Falco, noting his mood and the people he’s surrounding himself with before nodding a response to Holtzmann’s request.      ‘ Of course, babe, ‘ Time to embody the idiot, the disarming lovable nerd that he’s been assigned as a cover for tonight. He strolls over to the open bar and orders them two glasses of champagne, returning and lowering his voice, gently resting his head on her shoulder and whispering directly into her ear with a romantic, gooey look on his face like he isn’t about to give her intel on the guy Falco’s talking to. ‘ The guy in the red tie is Michael Alvarez, he’s the guy they have doing a bulk of the programming. I need to talk to him, can you come up with an excuse to go over and start talking to Falco so we can establish contact?  Then I can branch off and get some info off of him. ‘ He gently presses a kiss to the underside of her jaw, because it’s supposed to look romantic and then steps up to stand beside her, handing her her glass. 

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“Hey, have you thought any more about prom?” Alex asks,  sliding into the seat beside his girlfriend and fleetingly squeezing her hand before digging into his lunch, turning his attention to her. “Like -- do you wanna go at all? Should I put together one of those elaborate proposals or are you thinking we should skip it and get dinner  instead like the rest of the hipster assholes at our  school?” he chuckles, gently nudging her with his shoulder as he takes a large bite of his shitty hot-lunch chicken sandwich. 

@havilland​

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Alex can’t help but let his lips curl into a smirk in response to Astyne’s threat, he might as well be beating on a brick wall it falls on such deaf ears. He doesn’t give a shit. He isn’t scared of Astyne, hasn’t been for years. They’re too alike, in moral code, in ambition -- in every sense, really. He knows him, he’s been called in to help him on missions more than once, and there’s nothing intimidating about someone who’s been your partner (in more ways than one) multiple times over the years. The resentment that Astyne feels is so fucking one-sided and pointless that Alex can’t even muster the energy to return it for a second.              “You talk big, Ryder.” A bitter chuckle tumbles from his lips              as he steps closer to him. “But I think you like me too much              to kill me.” Lips part and make way for a confident smile.               “Besides, you need me. You wouldn’t have asked me here              if you didn’t.”

@spacedscavenger from here!

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slurred words

GET HOLTZ DRUNK & TALKIN’ // ACCEPTING!

     ‘ This kid! This kid! ’   She slaps at his arm and tugs her partner close, cheek resting against his shoulder.   ‘ Alexander, Alex, Aaron ──── whatever the shit your name is today. You’re good. You’re the best. I fricken love you man, no hetero. It’s like, you’re nuts. You get me, you got me. It’s nice knowing you got my back, man. And I got you. I need y’to know that. You’re awesome and mate, you’re my best friend, no joke. Would kill a man for you. Have killed a man for you. Would do it again. ’

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   ‘ Who isn’t your brother dating? ‘ A smile pulls at his lips as a chuckle escapes him. He’s heard so many wild stories about Daniel Holtzmann’s dating life. He has difficulty keeping track of who he’s seeing, and it definitely doesn’t help that he’s never met the guy. Despite his best efforts. ‘ I still think you should hook it up for me, Holtz. ‘ he jokes. ‘ I mean, who better to date your brother than your best friend? ’ 

   He pauses as she asks what identity might help her get in under the radar. Technically, she could get in as just a friend without any questions asked, but she seems eager to turn this into a mighty adventure and he’s not about to discourage her. ‘ You can be my manager. They’ll just assume I’m here for a meeting with the network guy. I’m pretty sure most of security doesn’t know I don’t work there anymore. Word spreads stupid slow around there because everyone’s like seriously pretentious.  ‘

     ‘ That will not be a problem. He’s bailed me out for worse, and I’m pretty sure he’s dating a cop in this precinct. ’   Fingers flit at the edges of the scarf as she balances her coffee between her knees, looking to the window as the streets fly by. Flashes of light, shop windows illuminated in the black. She reaches back and nudges gloved fist to Alex’s arm. 

     ‘ Nearly there! Okay, when we’re in there I aaaammm your bodyguard? Youuurrr valet? What’ll get my in the door and not thrown out? ’

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[ message; the old ball & chain - 6:07 PM ] dude come on, gross. you’re reading in to it. please don’t touch her. [ message; the old ball & chain - 6:07 PM ] i swear to god my relationship with samara is strictly platonic.  [ message; the old ball & chain - 6:09 PM ] PENELOPE JESUS I NEED TO KNOW I HAVE TO MAKE SALAD FOR THE POTLUCK AND THE KALE IS MY SIGNATURE THING [ message; the old ball & chain - 6:09 PM ] YOUR IRON LEVELS ARE ALWAYS LOW WHEN WE GO TO THE DOCTOR I”M JUST LOOKING OUT FOR YOU [ message; the old ball & chain - 6:09 PM ]  IT’S NOT MY FAULT YOU WON’T EAT IT VOLUNTARILY

     message ; sweet husband o’ mine —- ok question. real quick. did you read that first text before you sent it bc imma burn that mat now      message ; sweet husband o’ mine —- and dude wtf as if i’m going to willingly tell you whether there’s kale or not yOU SNEAK IT INTO MY FOOD I’M A GROWN WOMAN NOT A CHILD

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 ‘ I think it helps that I’m basically a hipster, ‘ he offers, shrugging slightly and stuffing his hands into the pockets of his coat, chuckling softly as she muses about the succulents.  ‘ Home Depot, probably. ‘ he answers as she asks where they might find them, struggling to remember a place where he’s literally ever seen real plants and only managing to think of that one.  ‘ Let’s just start with Home Depot and if they’re not there then we can find somebody more competent than us and go wherever they suggest. Do you wanna catch a cab together or do you have a car somewhere? ‘

     ‘ You can’t judge me when you just said succulents. It’s a weird ass word, man. How can you say it with a straight face? See look — succulents. ‘   And the engineer snickers, lips twisted in a wide grin.   ‘ But those are cactuses, right? Cacti? She has a few of them in her office so a couple for the lab might be nice. ‘   A beat. They pause momentarily at an intersection before crossing. If Alex thinks she has any place in mind to shop, he will be found sorely mistaken. But spiky, little plants with attitude is a good place to start.   ‘ The hell do you go to get them? ‘

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[x] I’m predicting a hardcore rap album by E-2Tz

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The Study ft. Elliott C. Morgan - Ep. 1

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❛  Wow, memes? ❜  That’s literally all he can think to say. He’s a little stunned at the use of the outdated reference. He chuckles and allows her to grab his arm, letting her drag him to... wherever she was taking him. Sears? He clears his throat and looks down at her. ❛ I can help you with that, I guess. Do you guys need anything around the lab... or whatever? Like, plants or something? Abby likes succulents.  ❜

     ❛    I came out for a good time and honestly, I’m feeling so attacked right now.    ❜     She gets her exercise in, dude. Don’t judge. If you weren’t Abby’s brother, she’d challenge you to an arm wrestle right here and wipe your ass. She grabs at Alex’s arm, looping hers through his, clutching it to her side, and leading them down the street.    ❛    Ugh, that sounds like a good idea. I am in no way equipped to gift homeware.    ❜

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The plot just keeps on thickening. The paisley scarf sets his mind on another mission to make sense of it all, but instead of asking he simply takes a sip of his coffee and smirks, deciding not to ask. Deciding he’d rather find out once they’re out and in action.  ❛   Okay -- alright. Fine, but if we get arrested, you’re calling your brother. My sister would not put up with this.  ❜

     Holtz wiggles over in the seat, dragging the bag onto her lap. She unzips it as he slides in beside her, the cab door slamming shut. It’s nice to know that at least one Yates can stoop to her level. Of course, she loves Abby. Adores, Abby. But there’s no way in hell Abby would ever do this. The engineer leans back in the car seat, pulling an old, paisley scarf from her duffel. The material, smelling of mothballs, is tied around her head, obscuring blonde curls and knotted beneath her chin. Beyond the car windows, the streets of New York fly by, and with her very best russian accent — which is impeccable, as it is — she says:

     ❛    We are going to take over the network. You, my friend, shall become the greatest newscaster that has ever lived.    ❜

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   Alex finds it pretty difficult to regret what they’ve done. In his own mind, everything that had happened was absolutely fine.  After all, it was their day off, they could do anything they wanted, and nobody gets away with insulting his best friend and his partner like that. To an extent, their handler would have to understand that much at least.      ❛  Look, I’m not blowing smoke up your ass here, you’ve got a killer right hook, Holtz. I’ve seen it in action before, but seeing it up close is something else. ❜  he chuckles as she moves to go to work on his chest before wincing softly at the piercing feeling of the needle through his skin.       ❛   Oh, believe me. I know.  ❜  he sighs and lightly lifts his shoulders in a shrug, careful not to move so abruptly that he ruins the stitches she’s forming. ❛  Eh, who knows. We’re two of the most valuable agents they’ve got out in the field right now, we’re still on the Durand thing and they can’t take us off it, we’re too close. Besides, we’re in the middle of nowhere and we only fucked up like... five guys. And it was all for noble reasons. I don’t see why they should punish us too bad. ❜

     She’s got her palm pressed flat against cracked ribs, lungs expanding and rattling with every breath, and there’s blood in her eyes and streaked through golden hair. She’s aching and split at the seams and bleeding onto the sidewalk but by god, she has not felt this alive in a long time. It’s a dangerous cocktail of adrenaline, pain, and alcohol. The knowledge that she’s fucked up, but at least it was at the side of one of the best men she’s ever known.

     ❛    You’re a dork,    ❜    Holtz says, leaning into the hills and valleys of his scraped knuckles. His blood smears across her bare arm, an awful near black in the anaemic, orange street light. Fingers flit at the stitched wound of her brow, Alex’s handiwork, before taking the needle and thread from him so she can tend to the slash across his collarbone.

     ❛    If this scars, you have to wear v-necks from now on. I’m sorry, it’s the law. I don’t make the rules.    ❜    She spares a glance back to the station, watching through the wide glass doors as their handler argue with the desk sergeant over paperwork.    ❛    We’re in so much shit.    ❜

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 ❛   Well, no homo isn’t exactly applicable here, since you know, you and I are different genders, and also because we’re both... at least 50% homosexual, so -- no hetero, yeah.  ❜  Alex jokes. It’s not easy for him to relax at work, and before he got paired with Holtzmann it had been nearly impossible. His former partner Arlene had been a major no-monkey-business kind of woman, and she had constantly insisted that there was no room for goofing around in their work, which had fucked with his anxiety to an extreme degree, especially because she had essentially taken away his outlet for it (humor).     He hadn’t especially liked her as a person, or as a partner, but after months of bickering and going undercover as married couples for training purposes, they had developed such palpable and frustrating sexual tension that he had more or less given up on trying to act like he wasn’t ridiculously attracted to her. Sure, it had caught him seriously off-guard when she had initiated a sexual relationship, but he hadn’t been mad about it, obviously.        After a few months, their relationship was discovered and they were separated, and despite the fact that they were losing their favorite fuckbuddies, they had both sighed in relief, pleased to know that there would no longer be all that painful tension in their day to day lives.     Holtzmann was different, she was nice. She was constructive. And they weren’t sleeping together. And never would be. Thank God.       As she finishes getting ready, he slips on his own wedding ring and falls into step with her as they head out.  ❛  You and me both. ❜  he tells her, looking over his fake wife for the evening and offering a hooked arm. ❛  Remember,  ❜ he mutters. ❛  Newlyweds. Four months deep, probably starting to have a few little issues but still putting up the pretense of being madly in love. I’m thinking we can make a scene so I have an excuse to storm off? ❜         

     A brilliant agent, a better man, Alex Yates is, perhaps, one of the most important people in Jillian Holtzmann’s life. Her brother from another mother. Partner in crime and actual partner in work. It’s a comfort having him with her on missions. He is her impulse control, the voice in the back of her head telling her to think before acting, consider the consequences. She is not nearly the best version of herself when alone, but with Alex she is better. Still half the noble, hero agent he is, but it’s better from where she was at without.

     ❛    No hetero? Smooth.    ❜    She snickers, snapping down the lid of her laptop, shutting off the phone and her various screens. Lips a slash of red smack together as she jams a final few bobby pins into her curls. Not just any pins, however, the rubber ends are tiny explosives. Struck against any inorganic material, particularly metal, they’ll cause quite a bit of destruction.

     Her own design, naturally.

     Holtz slides around Alex to gather up the stiletto she kicked at him, grimacing as she fits the shoes on. Honestly, no man in the function is going to take her seriously if she’s sporting these heels, and while that’s what she wants, the urge to go barefoot and scandalise everyone is truly, completely overwhelming. But alas, it cannot be. From the dresser she plucks a wedding ring — a poisoned dart hides beneath the frankly massive diamond — and slips it on. Turns to Alex and reaches up, ruffling his well groomed hair. It pays to look a little dashing, dear friend.    

     ❛    You’ll be fine, Mr Ambrose.   ❜    And she’s dragging him out the door, down the hall to the elevator. The function is on the first floor, in the Midnight suite.    ❛    Now come on, he’ll be downstairs in ten. Early patrons will make an impression and by God, do I need to suss out the bar.    ❜

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[ message; the old ball & chain - 6:05 PM ] listen i was single for a really long time and it was just me and that yoga mat give me a break [ message; the old ball & chain - 6:05 PM ] you got it [ message; the old ball & chain - 6:05 PM ] also, can you check the fridge? i know you’re in tremendous pain but i need to know if need to pick up kale or not

     message ; sweet husband o’ mine —- samara oh my god i didn’t know you’d named it      message ; sweet husband o’ mine —- you’re a fucking nerd      message ; sweet husband o’ mine —- yes i want oreos. halloween ones please and thank