sartrecamus2018-blog

[sartrecamus2018-blog]

[sartrecamus2018-blog]

Thank you beautiful ❤ it's been a pleasure and a privilege to be with you, and spend all this time with you. I could think of nothing better than many, many more annversiaries for us, and you certainly deserve them. I love you too, baby

My love ♥️.

I don’t know where to start? We started out as best friends and I don’t think we ever stopped. You are my best friend, the one who’s always there for me, the one who’s hugs make everything negative fade away, the one who puts up with everything I throw at them, the one who’s constantly by my side, the one who makes me feel like the luckiest girl in the world, the one who makes my heart skip a beat, the one I’ve fallen in love with- completely and utterly, the one ♥️. Thank you for everything baby, before and during what can only be described as the opposite of Malice ;). I love you with all my heart, with every strand of who I am ♥️. Happy anniversary my beautiful boy, I hope there are infinitely more of them together ♥️.

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❤ Even in my little messed up head... even if I don’t tell you all of it ;)

“I never realized what a big deal that was. How amazing it is to find someone who wants to hear about all the things that go on in your head.”

— Nina LaCour, Hold Still (via books-n-quotes)

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Will you be the atoms to my void? ❤

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Baby Girl ❤

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I’m happy right about now ❤

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❤

“One day, you and I are gonna wake up and be alright. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but one day. One day. I promise you.”

—

Fisher Amelie (Callum & Harper (Sleepless, #1) )

Get the book here

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You light the skies, up above me

Fort Songs Greatest Hits, Track #1 ❤

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You know it’s kind of a funny thing. One day we were in the studio and we were working on the song and Mike was just like ‘do you think you can scream this thing?’ And I was like *SCREEAAAM*

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2018 Review

Welcome back to the second part of my greatly anticipated 2018 Review; in part 1 we looked at my favourite film and music from this year, but now I look at all the social events that taken place this past year. It’s been a varied year to say the least but I wouldn’t really change any of it - the payoff at the end was more than worth the mediocre time before that. Before I get to my award let me have a quick look back at the year:

Firstly, the opening couple of months were still being affected by the dumpster fire of drama that came at the end of 2017, which was tiring to say the least. As soon as it seemed over something else cropped up and all the unnecessary drama began again. It took its toll on me, no way was I going to get involved in something like that again. Fortunately at this time, the band was really starting to come together, meaning I spent a lot of my time doing research on songs, and learning how to play them. That took my mind off so much and was a real help. It would be wrong of me not to mention how big of a deal the offer from Exe was, which arrived in mind March; this was my dream place, and it gave something to really aim for during study leave and revision throughout term 3. That was  quite the drag to say the least, and was more or less completely forgettable apart from Eminem helping me through the most torturous of times. I owe him a lot for that. Exams finish and summer comes and I leave my humble abode to travel a few thousand miles away for a job that I didn’t get, so was left stranded for 10 weeks... Fortunately Spotify and later Netflix got me through, as did the light at the end of the tunnel - university; I must have thought about and hyped up university an incredible amount in those few months. To say I had to grind through those long weeks was an understatement, but I guess what came afterwards made up for it. The slight bump was results day which was an unqualified failure, to say I was robbed would be an understatement. I’m sure there’s a parallel world where I get in and things go swimmingly, but I wouldn’t dare trade that for what I have now. I guess it just wasn’t meant to be. After sulking for a bit I got off my arse and decided to join a little group chat for my course, commenting on someone’s post who meant nothing to be at time - how things change.I truly believe this has a huge role to play in what happened when I finally got there. I had joined an Exe group chat and had a lot of fun on that, so it was weird with all these new people; then again, I knew when to limit my perhaps less endearing qualities. That said, I started talking about how Disney films made me ball my eyes out 5 minutes into a group call, so I don’t know if I really stuck to the plan. This was the second group call, and the first one saw me being far more “cool”, or so I thought. I cannot stress enough how different things might have been if I hadn’t joined that chat, or if one of the more important members hadn’t taken a leap of faith had joined it too. The chat really kept me going through the last few weeks before we started. So we start and freshers week is a blast and totally unlike anything I had ever experienced; the freedom and the opportunity and the freshness of it all just totally blew me away. But aside from the big nights out, there were small things that really made it special - walking round campus with a couple of people from the group chat was almost surreal - I couldn’t believe I was actually there. Those two people I formed quite an attachment with over the following weeks - how can you not when you’re sharing late and wild club nights, along with the occasional kitchen-drinking-session until the early hours of the morning. One of two piccolo sessions saw a tally of cheek begin, it may have started with one person, but it ended with another running far ahead. It was magical to say the least, like properly incredible stuff; then it began to get better, suddenly going over to watch Netflix became naps together, laying in bed listening to Spotify, twirling hands in one another. Saying goodbye at 3 in morning was steadily becoming a more and more long-winded process. We both tried to suppress what we were feeling, I think, but thinking about it now, it was pretty obvious wasn’t it? There’s something remarkably special about that calm before the storm; maybe it was the emotional tension between Vince and Precious or between Vince and Howard that sealed the deal. “Do you love me?”, hmm, “Can you learn to love me?”, I’d like that. Then on the most expected of nights - the visiting of one ELF - things were sealed. But first, maybe it was her endearing qualities that made me think that I’d quite like this family, or her reckless attitude that sort of worn off on me, and made go do what I did. I’ve now complimented her than the actual subject of this, so let me tell you what I was in for: someone who is, above all, her own person and won’t ever change that. She can be snarky and teasing, but ultimately has the most caring and loving heart; her interests are so very much her, whether it be the somewhat childish indulgences of one particular franchise, or truly challenging music. She is honestly the most full and fascinating person I have come across, who still manages to surprise me. I’m going to have fun trying to figure her out for however long I’m allowed.

Okay that was a tangent haha... oh dear. Anyways! So that Thursday, well what more needs to be said other than it went above the magic of the previous month to a level that’s really only been achieved once before. It was proper 0 AD, starting point, life-begins-here kind of stuff, the kind of which I’m feel so privileged to experience. So in the early hours of the morning, outside on a picnic field our outsides were freezing but inside I don’t think I’ve ever been filled with so much warmth. The circumstances may have not been perfect, but the moment was, and gosh I wish that conversation was written down, because I think it might be the most beautiful conversation I’ve been involved. Goosebumps just thinking about it. When we released her looked at each other again, she looked remarkably different. The rest of the night was just perfect - no sleep, and getting to spend it with her tired and confused but feeling more emotion than I had for a very, very long time. It’s a night I’m going to tell the story of for a long, long time to come. Best night of my life? Yeah go on, what’s to lose. ❤

Two and a bit months on from that... woah hold there, let’s take it slow.

So November comes and wow that I don’t think I’ve spent more time with anyone in one period of time. But I’m not complaining, anything but. I can gladly say I’ve shed all of my “firsts” in the month. The first kiss was a bit of a disaster really, but I’ll take it, the emotion and need was pretty incredible. We became a lot better at it, to be fair. Some things started off really well, and well, have only managed to get better and better. A lot of the nights were just spent with Netflix and Spotify and some food and I wouldn’t dare ask for more. It may sound somewhat basic, but those nights will always be the best, and we had a lot of them. There were a couple of more adventurous nights; the Yule Ball, for one, was like the prom I never had, and the kisses in the middle of this grand old building were nothing short of perfect. McDonald's and Subway dates were also a real highlight. November rolls into December and, writing this now, I’m beginning to find it hard to distinguish one perfect night from the next - not a complaint, once again. The final week becomes the final night, and with the help of Billy Mack and co. made it a genuinely perfect night. that ended with us asleep in each others arms. It was beyond beautiful.

When we reunite we would have been apart for four weeks.

I’m here on the final might of this frankly awful period of my life having caused so much unnecessary anxiety and stress for me and her. I don’t know whether I deserve to even post this now, or tell her how I can’t live without her. I hate what I’ve done to her, and there will come a time when I’m sure she gets sick of it. There was the night at the hill, the message when she went to get back her tattoo the first time, and now several times where I’ve hidden something from her. I want to promise her I can change, but it hurts every time I break that promise. I hope this is just the blues at the beginning of any relationship, when we’re still getting to grips with what it is like to have someone else to care for, someone else who needs you and relies on you. I’ve never had that before, maybe that’s why I’m so bad at it. Anyone else would have run away by now, I know it, and I almost want to encourage it, for her sake. But if this is the lowest point then I’ll take that, because that means we can only go up from here. I want to do that with her, desperately, and it’s selfish of me to ask for that, I know, because I don’t deserve it. She believes she’s a pain but she really isn’t, she’s totally committed, always honest, and while those gut punches may hurt, that fades and I’m left laughing. I don’t dare laugh in this situation. Of all people, she deserves to be treated the best, and I can honestly say I haven’t done that. I feel guilty, I feel I might be abusing her trust, and I feel like I’m wasting this incredible opportunity. We need a code-word for when I’m not feeling great, like “Kid A” or something.

And now it’s the final night before I return and despite this being the like quite frankly and awful day; I just hope that we can move on from this whole thing. However the reunion happens it’ll be perfect one way or another, and then this will all fade into a distant memory. I know laying with you again will be indescribable.

I’m sorry, I love you. 

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So close now ❤

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48 hours my love ❤

the east (2013)

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Oh, I get hysterical, hysteria

Oh can you feel it, do you believe it?

It's such a magical mysteria

When you get that feelin', better start believin'

'Cause it's a miracle, oh say you will, ooh babe

Hysteria when you're near

Soft rock ballads ❤ I'll be thinking of you at Download

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“i’m missing the way your hand felt in mine and it reminds me of the feeling of missing home.”

— you are my home.

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“My Darling, you are not a nightmare made flesh. You are my dream come true.”

— And for that I will always be thankful// CBL (via the-empty-quill)