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[sass-pizzaz]

Do you know who makes suicidal the most?

My parents.

Not my friends, or lovers(not like i will ever have one) or even myself.

It's the original creators of me that make me regret being born.

It's also sad that I can't get myself to do anything abt it because I don't wanna disappoint them or make them sad like I've been doing my whole life.

I would love if i just passed away in my sleep. No pain.

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Just realised something

As kids, you cry because of the physical pain

Growing up, you cry because of emotional pain and physical pain seems nothing infront of it, coz you're used to pain either way

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Social media isn't everything.

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Everyone around is telling me "study for yourself, it's for your future"

No, I'm studying for my parents, to make them proud

If I wanted to do something for myself, that would be dying and being in peace forever but that's not gon happen anytime soon, maybe later

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This tumbler has become more like my personal diary

Death is not an option

Self harm is not an option

No you are not attention seeking

Your feelings are valid

You matter first, always

Do things you love and don't love

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The most traumatic thing I've heard my dad say was when I was in 6th grade ( 11years old ). At that time I thought my dad was being supportive or smtg idk but now that I think abt it, I hope no parent ever says this to their child ever. He said " (my name), you should lose some weight, people will like you more" and he wonders why im shy and introverted around people and have stage fright

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I need to rant

Why do my parents make me feel like I don't deserve gifts ? Well it's Indian nature to say no I don't want anything when smne say I'm coming from here, do you want smtg ? I mean I get it you're teaching me be humble but don't I deserve gifts?

The other day, mom's relatives and us went to karachi to get sone snacks and they ask me if I want anything, as usual I say no coz I'm not a fan of sweets, they were adamant to get me sntg so I saw a chose macaroons, I said I wanted only 4 pieces coz again no sweet tooth, they bought it and later we came home. The next day I told my dad to get the box from fridge so I can eat, fucker saw the price and gave me so much shit abt it, I was what the fuck are you talking abt ? He's like check the price, it was 500 , I was kinda shocked coz noway 4 pieces costed that much but then I opened the box to find 8 of them , but still he gave me shit abt asking such costly gifts

Sorry for the rant

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I've been compared all my life, to a point I got used to it. But today what my mom said ticked me off so much. Dad was planning to meet with his friends family and asked if we'd be free to join, I wasn't very happy abt the idea of the meeting the uncles daughter. Shes my age but she's accomplished so much, not only studies even social life. Naturally I felt insecure around her. So I was abt to say no and my mom goes " ofc you wouldn't want to meet her, she's a 98% scorer" JUST BECAUSE I EARNED 80% DOESNT MEAN I HAVE TO BE PUT DOWN INFRONT OF PEOPLE WHO GOT MORE THAN ME. At times I've felt comfortable around my mom, sometimes my dad, it's never all the time I trust a certain person. If I were to told to pick a person whom I can speak freely, it'd be none. Actually no one on this earth has ever heard me rant continously, I'm scared that they'll be too worried so I subconsciously make the air lighter. I've never had a person hug me during my breakdown and say its alright I'm here for you. I've always felt like a burden, for family and friends. Someone when I sleep, I just hope I never wake up at times.

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I once overheard a conversation between two people, where one goes " I'm so happy with my partner, they're literally the male/female version of me" I'm like???? I can't even handle my version of myself, let alone another.

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No matter how much my dad raises my standards in men, he also makes me realise how annoying they can be at times ( dad included)

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Nowadays seems a lil more lonely than usual. If I tell this to my parents , they reply is " study then? It can't be that hard and it's an important year for you". If I tell my friends they're like " it's alright you'll get over it". No I don't want to get over them, I never want these moments in my life again. I've also noticed that I depend on others for my happiness, I'm not able to make myself happy. I think my depression phase has come back again. It's really hard to concentrate these days. I'm always day-dreaming, let alone day dreaming, I'm just blank. I feel empty. No more happiness, sadness, hunger, anger, excitement, taking care of myself properly.

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I just read somewhere that "have you wondered how an author would describe you in their novel?" And that got me thinking, hey I'm an aspiring writer, maybe I should try doing that ..so here goes nothing

My best friend

I would describe her as perfect. She's perfect with all the imperfections. Her love/hate relationship with certain people, her craze for responsibility, her weird/normal side, her love for me, her inability to eat normal food except fruits, her sudden burst of energy, her love for kendall jenner, her ambitions and goals. I'm bisexual and sometimes I'm confused as to do I love her as a friend or more? But the answer is always, no.

Il do more like this...just like a rant and appreciation for the people I love ❤

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It's wrong to base your life on the amount of likes or comments you get, but Olivia Rodrigo said "I'm so sick of myself I'd rather be, rather be , anyone else but jealously jealously"

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My last relationship taught a lot of things to him and I .It's not always abt the memories, it's also abt what you learn from each other and grow Individually <3