saul-white - Tumblr blog

[saul-white]

Bring back that time...and this isn’t staged. Still love you...

You paid 80DM for this Perm back in 1996. Just for me. You knew how much I loved it - and still do. And it got me really horny. If there was one person knowing me - it was you. 

[saul-white]

“The evening came and I dived into the stars” 

There are times when you realize how much you miss someone. When he or she is gone forever... 

I still love you my dear and I regret so many things I’ve done to you.  Please forgive me.

[saul-white]

Der Text passt so tierisch geil zum Song. Ganz abgesehen von Kerstin Pfau, die die Stimmung perfekt rüberbringt! Das ist geile Musik!

[saul-white]

What’s wrong with me? Just about to fall deep again. Blaming myself for everything that’s happening. Always thinking “What have *I* done wrong?”. Can’t sleep without alcohol. Please, not again...  not those fucking thoughts about a “final solution”... I really don’t like them, but they keep coming again and again.

I’ve got a new job and everything *seems* to be right. I do my best to fulfill the expectations of my (again) very social boss - he visited me personally while I was in the psychiatric hospital for 6 weeks due to a suicide attempt. Also my Colleagues are very friendly and I’m *really* popular among them. 

All that is really nice and flattering. But in my private life almost everything is the direct opposite. I’ve got the feeling that nobody *loves* me. No family, almost no friends. 

At work I *play* the nice IT-guy, always helping everyone. When I come home in the evening I feel alone.  

There is a huge difference between being *liked* and being *loved*

[saul-white]

That’s fun

[saul-white]

Yep ... that’s the problem

Erich Fromm: Freedom

Fromm believed that freedom was an aspect of human nature that we either embrace or escape. He observed that embracing our freedom of will was healthy, whereas escaping freedom through the use of escape mechanisms was the root of psychological conflicts. Fromm outlined three of the most common escape mechanisms: automaton conformity, authoritarianism, and destructiveness. 

Automaton conformity is changing one’s ideal self to conform to a perception of society’s preferred type of personality, losing one’s true self in the process. Automaton conformity displaces the burden of choice from self to society. 

Authoritarianism is giving control of oneself to another. By submitting one’s freedom to someone else, this act removes the freedom of choice almost entirely.

Lastly, destructiveness is any process which attempts to eliminate others or the world as a whole, all to escape freedom. Fromm said that “the destruction of the world is the last, almost desperate attempt to save myself from being crushed by it”.

Source: Wikipedia

[saul-white]

4 years ago

What a fucking day

Today a reliable, diligent and friendly colleague brought in his dismissal notice. He shook our hands and said “Goodbye, we’ll never see again”. Too bad, it’s the truth.

He fought the cancer for one and a half year, he did not gave up. He wanted to do his regular work and willingly came in almost every day. We all noticed, how hard and torturing it was for him. Two weeks ago, he asked for vacation - and promised to come back. 

Today was the last time he came back…

I hate such moments. 

[saul-white]

That was 5 years ago... now things have changed a lot!

I'm not a pessimist - I'm a realist

Most people I talk to, think of me as being pessimistic. I’m not! I try to evaluate all information available to me (thanks to the internet there is much of it) and form an opinion. 

Sure I have depressive times as most of us, but overall I’m a happy person. I like and enjoy little things in life. I realize many little things most people don’t. I dream a lot, I fantasize a lot. 

But reality brings me down to the bottom often. I call myself a realist.

[saul-white]

[saul-white]

Verdammt, wie genau das passt... 

[saul-white]

Thanks for letting me get a peek behind your facade. I understand you a little bit better now.

[saul-white]

Mood: Bad...

[saul-white]

[saul-white]

Space Force! http://www.b3ta.com/board/11249520

[saul-white]

I wrote this on 29th November 2016 and I still stand to this statement.

But things changed to the worse since then: I hide myself at home, I hide my feelings more than ever. Today I know, that back then I already was in a depression. And it got deeper with time. I really don’t know what to do. 

Choices (bad one’s for me personally)

I chose to ignore my closest friends in favor of my work - the worst choice I’ve ever done. I regret that choice deep in my heart - sorry; please give me another chance.

I just couldn’t do otherwise, because my colleagues weren’t “the privileged people”. I wanted to help them, make them feel accepted - even if they didn’t fullfill the workload we were forced to expect from them. They are decent people and if you’d treat them the right way, they’d be the most loyal employees you’ll ever have. 

Some want-to-be global players should think about that! Growth isn’t the only factor. Social responsibility is a much bigger one, and it’s the one I’ll fight for - for the rest of my life. Ǹo one left behind!