scaredandtraumatized

[scaredandtraumatized]

just realized i was legitimately experiencing psychosis while i was with one of them.

[scaredandtraumatized]

growing up after being groomed is sobbing every day because you’re wondering where all the attention went and then sobbing harder because you realized it’s going to a girl younger than you and then sobbing harder when you realize that girl is going to become you

[scaredandtraumatized]

so much of me and talking about stuff is just the small, scared and emotionally damaged child in me taking her heart out in all its mangled forms from the things that have broken and hurt and reshaped and remolded it like "see? i was hurt. do you understand? can you see it too? please."

[scaredandtraumatized]

i want to scream until my throat is raw. i want to destroy all the parts of my body that they loved so much. i want to tear myself to shreds, to have some indication that i was hurt, that i am hurting from all of this. see? see? see? do i seem broken enough for you to believe me now? please.

[scaredandtraumatized]

i’m still numb

[scaredandtraumatized]

to the victims of nccsa who feel responsible for the their trauma:

i was a victim of online nccsa when i was a young teenager. i’m 22 years old now and have gone through a plethora of trauma but i’ve never felt more responsible for any of it than i did for the nccsa

now that i’m older and i’ve had some time to gain a little perspective on what it’s like to be near the age of some of the people who hurt me, i want to tell you that you are NOT responsible for the things that adults did to you. even if you said yes, even if you “consented”, even if you thought you were in love, even if nothing came of the abuse, even if it was “just online”

the feelings you experience surrounding your trauma are valid and your trauma was not your fault, the fault lies in the adults who chose to hurt you REGARDLESS of their reasoning

[scaredandtraumatized]

[scaredandtraumatized]

[scaredandtraumatized]

[scaredandtraumatized]

Sorry to break yall's hearts but this is too well written of a post to not include in here.

[scaredandtraumatized]

[scaredandtraumatized]

[scaredandtraumatized]

Listen to me. Listen. Listen to me. Please.

You don't have to earn the right to call the suffering you went through abusive.

I keep seeing people say, "I don't think I have a right to say I was abused because it was never physical," and "I don't have the right to say I was abused because it wasn't that bad," and most infuriatingly, "I don't have the right to say I was abused because I know I was loved."

Please. I am begging you.

I was abused in countless different ways for a long long time, and I am telling you, you are allowed to call your situation abusive.

You don't need permission, and I don't care if someone else 'has it worse.'

You are allowed to call it abuse.

It's okay. You aren't disrespecting anybody. You aren't taking attention away from "real victims." You can acknowledge your situation is fucked up. You can call it abuse.

[scaredandtraumatized]

[scaredandtraumatized]

“but it wasn’t that bad”

did it hurt? did you feel scared? unsafe? were you embarrassed? humiliated? terrified? did you feel confused on why? does it keep you up at night? do you avoid being in a similar situation? did you cry? did you want to cry? who told you it wasn’t that bad?

[scaredandtraumatized]

i will never leave this house

[scaredandtraumatized]

i will never leave this house