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I had the dream about the past. I was 12 years old . There was toys and dolls I wanted but they were someone elses. There was photos of me and my recently passed dog. My aunt said we were going somewhere at the mall, but not to tell my parents specifically where because they wouldn't like it (I grew up Mormon). I went to take a shower to get ready. I looked in the mirror. I looked like my mother. And then I looked like my friend. And then I grew up a little, and was being bullied. I just knew I didn't want to live like that anymore. I missed friends that I used to have as a child. I wanted to overcome the past and not hurt. I wanted out. When I looked in the mirror my eyes were green, the color of my friends eyes. I knew my real eye color was brown and told them to change. And then I woke myself up.

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I've been learning the annoying, beautiful, painful truth about healing from complex dissociation:

The less you disassociate, the worse you'll feel.

Because you'll actually be feeling. Not just observing the feeling through a fog or reinforced aquarium glass. You'll feel the betrayal, shame, heartbreak, sorrow, and longing.

It fucking sucks.

Every time I feel an emotion strong enough to knock me on my ass, a part of me cries out to reject it and thrust it aside again.

But I force myself to hold myself through the waves. Because feelings are medicine. Feelings are teachers. Releasing the feelings teaches my body that I can let the trauma go. It happened a long time ago. We're safe now.

And we won't feel bad forever. No matter how excruciating the despair, it is temporary.

And I get to feel good, too. Really good. Not mildly pleased or faintly amused. I get to feel joyous, delighted, thrilled, ecstatic, elated, enraptured, euphoric, enchanted...

And so I keep practicing feeling things myself, rather than re-assigning them to a compartment within.

It's worth it. It's worth it. It's worth it.

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not what I was going to write . but fine

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being a system is annoying sometimes because you'll be like "this doesn't matter now :) that's a problem that only past me has :)" and then past you shows up like

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proving that i'm mentally ill

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Some of the people I have seen say they have non-disordered plurality have a lot of extreme dissociative symptoms from what they post. System conflicts, huge memory gaps, inability to control switches, extreme depersonalization/derealization symptoms.

This is not to deny someone’s experience, but more of a gentle reminder that if your experiences with plurality causes genuine distress? You may want to learn more about how dissociative disorders impact functions.

I don’t really understand any labels outside of traumagenic and maybe endogenic. I can’t even begin to really wrap my head around plurality not causing dissociation—it’s just not my experience at all. It’s a big reason why I decline arguing in any debates, but I have a pretty good idea of how my DID has impacted me.

I will feel like shit and not understand why because my emotions are highly fragmented. There could be something wrong, I could feel it occasionally, but I have no clue at all why I am experiencing this level of distress.

I know of a major traumatic experience in my childhood that could have caused my DID, but I genuinely remember little to nothing about my life and the factors are endless. When I do find stuff talking about my experiences, it sets me back and almost “triggers me” back into a state where I was during that time (I have no recollection still even after these triggers happen).

Skills and knowledge are somewhat distinctive between parts. Some parts have had full blown meltdowns because they didn’t understand an assignment, and when someone else switched in, they knew exactly what to do.

“Wishing to be a system” played a huge part in my formation, but it wasn’t wishing to be a system. It was wishing I had someone to talk to/had friends surrounding me because I was emotionally neglected as a child—this was around ages 6-10, so this thought process had a lot of impacts. I verbally talked to these parts and they often knew information I never remembered learning, and they often came around the most when I was lonely.

I don’t have a stable identity, and I haven’t had one for the entirety of my life. If I try to sit and think about it, my head will turn to TV static and shut off any chance of understanding my situation. I spend about 80-90% of my time going through the motions of life without any acknowledgment of my identity, thoughts, feelings, sensations, or perceptions in life.

Trauma doesn’t have to be a serious case of SA or physical abuse, it is possible it could be years of emotional neglect causing you to turn inward. Bullying, oppression, poverty, disability, physical illness, messy divorces/parents NOT divorcing, war, and many other issues are extremely taxing on a child.

This disorder is covert and nearly undetectable in most cases. Sometimes this means that it’s nearly impossible to see in ourselves. The whole point is to hide and make sure we “function” correctly in society, even at the expense of ourselves. It’s a coping mechanism our brain decided was the safest route to survive.

Identity disruptions, memory gaps, and all these things are not stable, concrete experiences. They are fluid. They can be wildly inconsistent, and you don’t have to be on the far end of the spectrum to experience these issues.

I’m not saying this as a genuine diagnosis of “You MUST have DID” because there are many different aspects that could impact this. I know that there are also like- labels that encompass different aspects that include trauma. However, this is just something I have noticed while scrolling through tumblr recently. This also isn’t targeted in any way, but if it resonates with you, I think learning about DID in medical contexts isn’t a bad idea (or at least learning of dissociation).

I have seen that a big reason many people get nervous to interact with traumagenic spaces is because of how aggressive and toxic they can be, which I understand is definitely a problem we see. It’s definitely a product of how DID is and what societal hatred does to marginalized communities. I take a very chilled and laid back approach to pretty much anything, so if you feel too scared to interact with the traumagenic community, I don’t mind trying to help!

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A letter written by a buddhist monk to adam lanza after the shooting at sandy hook.

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Ive wanted to kill myself multiple times. But it would make my boyfriend sad. I wish my boyfriend didn't meet me so they wouldn't have anything to be sad about

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I think people with brain damage and neurodegenerative diseases' unique position on brain/body duality is so heavily appropriated by others and used to speak over us or put words in our mouths that I don't think we're ever actually allowed to speak about it ourselves. That's a huge loss I think, because I think we really do have a lot to say that could be very beneficial to the community and disability rights as a whole. Even to our understanding of the human experience and its physical nature, I think.

To have your body tangibly damaged, and through it your entire world and self too, to be changed so intrinsically that it spans both the body and the very essence of self. The inseparability of your physical disabilities and who you are not just on a spiritual or social level but a tangible, physical, neurological one, where even in a hypothetical future you couldn't cure the physical without changing the self, everything you experience, in ways that can be almost impossible to comprehend. The absolute, unavoidable understanding of every fiber of one's self as a physical phenomena, down to the very last thought or feeling, and coming to terms with it.

Unfortunately I think unless people stop using us as a mouthpiece to talk over each other, we won't get to have those conversations. If you want us to speak, you need to listen. I mean really listen. No picking and choosing, no deciding for us what you think it means. No trying to relate our experiences to your own when we tell you that no, those things aren't the same. Just listen and uplift our voices, especially those of us who can't communicate our thoughts and experiences very well.

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I am attempting to lose weight because of my severe chronic pain. I want to do this fast, because I am very desperate. I know it's risky. But anyways, it is pretty annoying that weight loss / calorie restriction/ed is owned by mostly girls who want to be thin and waifish and frail and all have the same aesthetic and think being fat is disgusting.

Because of my condition, I cannot do cardio or exercise constantly, as it would destroy my joints. It's very annoying! I work out as much as possible, but it is honestly not much. I also have many other things to do. I am not a high schooler.

Therefore , food reduction seems like the only effective choice, since I'm already on a gluten free, minimal dairy, plant based, no red meat diet. And I am still overweight! My weight has not changed since making these diet changes . At all. I have been doing a lot of strength/ resistance training, which my partner suggests that I have more muscle now. As far as I can observe this seems to be the case.

My joints have marginally been improved by this change, since I do not wear joint braces around the house everyday like I used to.

I actually love being fat and soft, but at this point I feel like I have no choice, and I hate the loss of autonomy. I cannot get unemployment benefits, I have only 200 dollars to my name, and I have to wait a year to hear from the disability office. I do have food stamps, which is why I haven't been starving (this would not help with weight loss, since this would make me eat whatever is cheapest, which are the least healthy options. Yay America!)

All this to say, I want to lose at least 20 pounds and see how I feel. My ultimate goal for losing weight is to see if it reduces my joint pain enough that I can work again .

So I wish I had a sort of community to help with that, but it seems that none exist that are appealing to me. I have been looking at [REDACTED] for meal ideas and a sort of motivation, but that's about it.

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some stuff to attract attention, i've made bsky too so if someone wants to follow me there i will be so happy

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Self portraits, a comic about a lack of identity and systemhood.

Who is the self anyway?

Made this cause I was bored and also to possibly express things better to people, specifically my therapist.

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Thinking about when I had a recent crisis and told my now partner that I self harmed. The amount of shame I had was immense. I wanted to tell them, but I chickened out, but they pushed me to say what happened. I really expected them to be disgusted with me, mad at me, or at the very least be uncomfortable. I got none of it. The shocking thing is I got the most understanding and comforting response possible. And it was so inconceivable to me to think that sharing anything like that would lead to something good. It rarely has in the past, honestly. But it did! And it made us trust eachother even more! It was actually a good thing to share that. Isn't that fucking crazy? Isn't it fucking crazy ?

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This article of mine has the most views of any of my articles. And I’ve noticed it’s because it comes up in google results when you search about missing your abuser. I think it’s because it’s a topic that people have a lot of mixed feelings about and are anxious to discuss it.

My question is… are there other topics you’d like to see covered? Stuff people don’t talk about a lot that you think needs more awareness? You can send asks on anon if you’re shy about it. But I’d love to tackle some topics that don’t get as much attention as others.

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Many people with a history of early traumatization have not had many opportunities to experience a safe environment or safe relationships, and therefore they have been unable to develop a sense of inner safety and security. Thus, it may be hard for them to even imagine what it feels like to be safe. They may know cognitively that their current environment is safe, and yet they do not feel safe or comfortable at all, as though something terrible is going to happen any minute. And even when their present situation is safe, some parts of them remain stuck in trauma-time, unable to experience the safe present. 

In addition, traumatized individuals often do not feel safe with their own inner experiences, that is, with some of their own emotions, thoughts, sensations, and other actions of dissociative parts. Subsequent avoidance of inner experience makes it hard to stay present, and it sets in motion an inner cycle of fear, criticism, and shame, adding yet more to a lack of inner safety.

Coping With Trauma Related Dissociation

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Abusive parents using the "well there's no book on raising children" argument when faced with the tiniest bit of accountability from their children is such a wild take to be honest because.. what do you mean you needed a book to tell you that abusing people.. is bad?

Are you genuinely arguing that you had no idea that hitting people smaller and weaker than you is wrong? Not the long term effects abuse has on the developing brain, or the specific types of mental issues it can cause, or how exactly hitting children has worse outcomes in later life. What you're saying is that you had no idea that it was morally wrong to hit people since there was no book saying so. And since you never brought it up till your kids did, you're also expecting them to believe that this book of obvious truths conveniently came out right around the time your adult children asked you what the fuck you were thinking.

Like, you unleashed some of the most vile torrents of emotional abuse you could muster onto a literal eleven year old. You know not to say that shit to your boss, right? You know that when you're at brunch with your girlfriends, or at golf with your buddies, that it's not appropriate to speak that way to them, right? So why would you need a book explaining that it's wrong to speak that way to a child?

It's such a stupid argument because it's essentially saying "I didn't know any better and shouldn't have been expected to learn." But you did know better. The criticism isn't levelled against how few parenting books you chose to read. Nobody was expecting you to become the Albert Einstein of parenting. Just the bare minimum of decency, dignity and respect would have been enough, and you failed.

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Feeling really weird about my weight. I feel like starving myself because I want to lose weight but I'm not exactly sure why. I want to fit into my older clothes but I think I'm just honestly sick and tired of people commenting on my weight so much because I'm disabled now. I am also hoping that it might reduce the strain on my legs so I can be more active and that it won't hurt. I don't think this will be the case though, but being "fit" is seen as such an indicator of health. The thing I really don't give a shit about losing weight healthily though. What "health"?. I can barely fucking walk.