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Silence of the darkness feels beautiful.

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The king bows to no one but the queen.

My Queen is not my equal.

She will never be on the same level as me.

She is above me.

In all ways perceivable.

In pleasure

In honor

In power

In beauty

In law

In life

And in death.

For she is my queen above all else. And I am but a slave to her desires.

She flows through my veins. She reigns my kingdom. She owns my next stuttering breath. It is her to whom I owe my existence.

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Don’t settle

“Be his queen. Don’t settle for a prince when there’s a king waiting for you.”

Such cliche sentences but I pause. Maybe there’s some truth there after all.

Your Prince charming will come to get you in his car and there will be your favorite glazed donuts on the passenger seat. He’ll tell you you look beautiful in your ratty sweats and messy hair and kiss you. His breath will smell like coffee. He’ll text you sweet notes when you’re asleep, promise you dates in Paris and Rome, send you pictures of cats on your sad days and vow to rub your back when you have cramps. You’ll dream of him.

Your King the cliche rings so loud here it’s hurting my ears he’ll make you those waffles that you’ve been craving for a month, granted his recipe sources are pinterest, but they’re not half bad, mainly due to the three blueberries thrown on top. He’ll look at your shiny and swollen face and comment how good of night’s rest you seem to have gotten. His kiss will remind you to hit him on the head because you can tell he ate the remaining pizza from last night for breakfast. He’ll lay his head down in your lap when you’re reading your novel at night, google its ending and start rambling about what characters will die. Of course he’s lying because he likes it when you squeak in shock whenever there’s a plot twist in the book . He’ll take you to the bodega at the corner of the street where you buy the frozen shrimp mac ‘n’ cheese and diet coke. Ideal date night. He brings you unsalted popcorn on your bad days because you get munchy and will spiral worse if you feel bloated after eating heavy food. He brings a hot water bottle wrapped in a mauve towel to bed a day earlier than when your cycle is supposed to start, ‘just in case’ he mumbles. You won’t dream of him. You’ll dream alongside him.

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My Queen is not my equal.

She will never be on the same level as me.

She is above me.

In all ways perceivable.

In pleasure

In honor

In power

In beauty

In law

In life

And in death.

For she is my queen above all else. And I am but a slave to her desires.

She flows through my veins. She reigns my kingdom. She owns my next stuttering breath. It is her to whom I owe my existence.

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Madness and Mayhem.

The voices inside my head make me question my sanity

It’s chaos and then deadly silence

The silence is a slow poison, eating me up,

At night the restlessness continues with a killing silence brewing inside me.

The sadness feels like a sharp dagger cutting me

In this pandemonium, I am all lonely.

      ~N

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You left me alone with a stranded mind You left me scarred with marks on my soul You left me void with vacant feelings You left me broken with a shattered heart But I was still living with a breathing body Shattered but still had the shards Scarred but still had my identity Stark, but still had my dignity intact Stranded mind, but still was accompanied by my loved ones I was no damsel in distress, My marked soul was healing My lost mind was fighting My vacant feelings were being valued My broken heart was mending.

~N.

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if i die today...

Sometimes it gets weird inside.  The heart feels clutched in the claws of sadness and the mind feels captured by anxiety and overthinking.  The body feels like it is breathing the last breath.  It feels like I am looking at the nefarious, admirable nebulous creatures in the sky for the last time. It is the last time hearing the cacophony of my family and chirping of the birds.   The last time I might be smelling the petrichor ,fragrance of flowers and addictive smell of petrol and naphthalene balls.   It might be the last time I will be  feeling the beautiful sensation of rain droplets on my face, the roughness of book pages under my fingers and the feel of fabrics like silk, linen and velvet.   It feels like the last time I will be tasting my mums and sisters  handmade dishes, the taste of hopelessness and the taste of salty tears. I will miss reading the most, the emotional rollercoaster the books contain, the peace and solace they provide.   If it is the last time time then I will also miss the urge  of not feeling these things all at once .                  

                                     ~Nors

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10 THINGS I LOVE ABOUT NATURE

Clouds.Flowers.Petrichor.Sunsets.Trees.Rain.Stars.Autumn leaves.Moon.Birds

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3 AM

I end up alone.

Ripped shorts and a crop top that's barely covering anything. Is she ever gonna bother dressing up?

Hands mussing up the oaky brown hair, chipped nail polish and a ring on the middle finger shines through her locks. Would she let me replace her hands with mine?

Knocking back shots as if her life depends on it. Well technically it wouldn't make any difference. It's not like her life is hers to take anymore. Could I ever be able to comfort her again?

The longest hand of the clock had almost crawled towards 3 when she'd finally lost consciousness and slumped over the bar. Am I ever gonna get tired of picking up her fainted form?

Placing her in the backseat, I drive her back to the hospital she snuck out of. She's never gonna forgive me is she?

Maybe she will. Maybe once she realizes the little bit of life she has left could be used to fight and not give up. Maybe once she's over with chemo, she'll let me take her out on a date. Maybe she'll fall in love with me. Maybe I'll kiss her. Maybe she'll live through it.

No. Probably not.

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For them.

The heart and mind cannot help it sometimes. Both wander to places not meant for them.The thoughts pay a visit to the darkness, the tears then get their release out, the heart constricts with sadness and the parts of my body feel hypnotised. I don’t feel like myself,I want to do things I cannot imagine to do in my normal state. Yes, ‘normal’, I think sometimes when the darkness or to be precise sadness unleashes itself, it rules and destroys anything in the path. The habit of smiling more, not letting my mood ruin me and trying to be thankful all the time which I think is the key to happiness- all these coping mechanisms I have worked on, just disappear like smoke. I am not depressed, for a fact I know this but ‘mentally exhausted’?yes. There’s a limit to what body and mind can take.  But on the other hand I believe strongly that all this suffering makes me stronger in many ways.   But I hope the  melancholic feeling, which is the actually one getting stronger and getting more command, in the end does not kill my soul.