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"i thought i'd have it figured out by now"

xander drags his hand down his face and i know he's listening but i don't know if he actually hears me. in moments like these, it feels like he just humours me. i shouldn't expect so much of him when we're smoking.

"why do you think you have to have it figured out?"

"i dont know" i say. the smoke in the air makes everything looks exactly as it should- blurry, out of focus, filtered- a reflection. "i just thought i would"

"you're so fucking cryptic" he rolls over on the bed, dangles his head off the side so he stares at me upside down. i frown as i try to figure out what the fuck i said that was so complicated. i come up both empty and uncaring.

"do you think billy thinks im a girl?"

"nobody thinks you're a girl"

"hm"

"you only ask this kind of shit when you're high" xanders eyes close as he brings the blunt back to his lips, "i don't know if it's you or the weed talking"

"probably the weed" i muse. he blows smoke into the air and i close my eyes too, letting the scent overwhelm me.

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waking up before them. watching the pot on the stove. there's so much to do but not in this moment. right now, all there is to do is wait for the water to boil.

xanders sister had thrown around the idea of a kettle- she mentioned it every time she visited, actually- but xander never pushed for it. i dont know if it's just because he couldn't be bothered or if, at some point, he'd picked up on my little ritual and decided to let me be. either way, we never talked about it.

"are you studying today?"

no, i'm waiting for the water to boil, "maybe"

"hm" a pause as he waits for me to acknowledge him probably. unlike xander, billy wasn't one to just let things be.

the kitchen feels different depending on who's in it. billy makes the space feel smaller. he's just like that.

"xander and i are gonna swing by minnies later to pick up the sourdough if you wanna come with" i feel him move behind me but i don't turn. i might miss the pot boiling.

"maybe"

and then he's leaving and the room feels a little bigger again. i think minnie has got to be sick of us by now- she baked for us once and we've been coming back ever since. she made the first loaf for xander really, a post-sex thankyou gift. billy knows this but bread is just bread to him so he drags xander back to her apartment every now and then, even if the sex stopped long ago.

the steam has started but the lid is yet to rattle. not long now. i need to get a cup. and a teabag. but i don't feel much like moving right now.

i don't like to interrupt the stillness until i absolutely have to. so i stare a little longer. a watched pot never boils. until it does, of course, and then i'm pulling the pot from the hotplate, picking a cup from the dishrack, balancing the lid on the edge of the sink while i reach for a teabag.

only once the tea is poured does everything else come into focus. yes, i should study today and yes, i should visit minnie. i know she appreciates the small talk i strike up to keep her from having to talk to xander. silly, really. i think she should just tell billy she doesn't bake anymore.

"earl grey?" xander.

i take a sip too early and the water burns my tongue, "no, english breakfast"

"i thought you didn't like that one?"

i manage a shrug. turns out i hadn't woken up before them. "it needs using up"

"maybe minnie likes english breakfast" billy's back. and unable to drop the subject apparently.

"we are not taking half a box of english breakfast to minnie" xander sounds exasperated. looks like he isn't looking forward to that small talk.

"we could" i say, attempting a second sip at my tea, "it'll be awkward anyway, no harm in making it a little worse"

"see" billy sounds a little too triumphant for this time of morning but again, he's just like that. and the tea is still too hot.

xander decides to let it go. billy takes the tea canister off the counter. i wrap my hands around my mug in prayer- if i will for it hard enough, maybe they'll leave the kitchen again.