seamonster

[seamonster]

don’t ever accidentally vom in the shower  it’s bad 

[seamonster]

i know it just comes with the territory and i’m mostly just rolling my eyes at this point because shrug emoji but it’s weird to be a pawn and bargaining chip 

[seamonster]

anyway i’m afraid to medicate again because i’d rather just be numb and dumb than feel any of the feelings and real life situations that i’ve been avoiding addressing for a lifetime so far

[seamonster]

i ,,,,,,,,,,,,,

[seamonster]

weird that i strongly remember identifying with a lot of a./rorm.anc,e posts  scary that i feel like i could identify with them again  .  annoying that i’m currently in a period of not at all identifying with a/c///.e posts i’ve otherwise identified with for like 10 years except for 3-4 other periods of time like this

[seamonster]

my brain’s latest constant obsession is instant death and how easily people just,,,, die. in accidents. all day long. that could happen to me. it could happen without even walking out of the house but even a simple car ride is a gamble. cool? 

[seamonster]

why do i stop diaryposting for so long  i have so much to whine about

[seamonster]

why does so much change in two days that i don’t even recall feeling the way i felt when i diaryposted last

[seamonster]

update: smoked a bowl and my Logic brain tells me it’s not a pattern because it’s only a few people and we were all caught up in very extreme and unique circumstances with contributing factors from all sides and all people involved  but the rest of me knows it’s my fault person #1 is miserable, it’s my fault people #2 and 3 are much worse off than before i tried to save them, it’s my fault person #4 died alone, it’s my fault person #5 is stuck and will always be stuck 

[seamonster]

packing just reminds me of the last time i had to pack.  which reminds me of everything i’ve tried so hard to cut out of my brain and avoid avoid avoid. and every shitty mistake i’ve ever made. and everyone i’ve ever let down.  which reminds me of all the ways i’m going to let everyone else down.  this wasn’t a pattern that i thought i could ever develop but it’s happened and it’s continuing to happen  i don’t like this  and i don’t even mean this in a self-pitying way, i just mean i don’t want people to fucking hurt. not based on their proximity to me or anything else. i want the people i love to be happy. how do i make that happen, i can not make anyone happy 

[seamonster]

it’s pretty rude and inconsiderate to get involved with someone if you’re just going to kill yourself soon anyway lol

i don't want to do this to her

but it was always going to happen

[seamonster]

literally making grilled cheese while googling how to illegally purchase a shotgun to finally kms lmao, at least before the end of the year, bc that's the theme of 2018

[seamonster]

i know i fucked up but i also know that i’m just making it about me and it’s really something else? how 2 life?

[seamonster]

tonight was a great night and my heart is still fluttering  she makes me lose my breath and i am in heaven ok bye gay

[seamonster]

but all i can think about are all the things that are going to go wrong

[seamonster]

i’ve never had a Good Feeling that withstands the depressive episode  but now i have that and it’s ummmm quite an adventure  i feel like my whole body is going to implode  i just want the good feeling that’s all. laying in her arms feeling the good feelings and none of the rest 

[seamonster]

if you told me a month ago that this was gonna happen i wouldn’t believe you and i’d tell you it was a horrible idea but it’s happening and also i don’t care if it’s a horrible idea