secret-thoughts-for-you - Tumblr blog

[secret-thoughts-for-you]

there is a void inside me

a void that cannot be filled

by sex or drugs or food or lack of food.

by attention or success or admiration.

nothing changes, and nothing will.

but i’ll keep trying,

every day without fail,

because what else can i do?

[secret-thoughts-for-you]

yes i’m bitter.

i’m bitter because i gave you what you wanted. all of you. and i thought it would give me what i needed, but you knew it never would. and yet you still let me believe naively.

and i let you think you’re so big and fucking cool. well, you aren’t. and neither am i. so i guess that sucks for both of us. at least i accept my meaninglessness. the world would be a lot better if you did too.

[secret-thoughts-for-you]

hey again

ur at work rn. i bet ur literally the best sales assistant shoe seller ever. you’re just so friendly😭 and positive, and know a lot about running stuff. so it makes sense. i think i have FOMO for the people you know and who you’ll spend loads of time with. also i need to get more busy so i don’t just sit and wait for u to reply. although i was also waiting for meena so it’s kinda not my fault this time. i had an abortion. what would u think about that deep down. i kinda feel like what you say on the surface isn’t real, and you aren’t honest, because it does just seem so surface level. i wanna know what goes on in ur head u know? not just stuff anyone could know. all your actual thoughts and feelings. idk. i want to know what to do to make you like me. this is why only dumb boys like me. u don’t fall for my manipulation. shame. bc i like the idea of u so much. bye.

[secret-thoughts-for-you]

hiii

i don’t really know what i wanna say in this

even though i know you won’t see it

i feel like im speaking directly to you right now :0 which is scary

not that speaking to you is scary, i really like talking to you. it’s one of my favourite things right now. i wish we were closer. there’s so many things i wanna do with you!

i wanna go to the beach and paddle, and im terrified of eating with people but i think i’d do it with you, i wanna build a blanket fort and watch movies together, and hold hands, and i wanna just sit in the same room and do nothing. i really want to hug you, you seem like you’d give great hugs. i wanna bake cupcakes together, and go to a ceilidh.

it’s sad bc i don’t think we’ll ever meet :( life is kinda mean like that. i’m not saying that, we’re like soulmates separated by the world, but it would just be nice to have a chance. and we don’t. bc you’re gonna go back to america and i’ll be here. a long way away.

i hope we can at least meet once before you leave and get with some fit american girl who skis. i could totally learn to ski for the record.

i’ve never met a guy i can talk to in an unending conversation like this before. and you make me feel like, a person lol.

i’m still, kinda surreally shocked that you think i’m pretty. because you’re like, perfect. and i’m scared that you wouldn’t actually like me in person. i bet you’d smell nice.

actually we kinda remind me of fin and rae from my mad fat diary. maybe i should rewatch that. they don’t end up together right? she goes to uni and he stays back? i don’t remember lol. i need to watch it again. but it’s hard to get past the start of the second season. i think you’re the hottest guy ever. it’s mental.

i’m also so scared i’ll put you off by telling you stuff that’s happened to me. like i feel the intense need to unsend the message about what happened with lennon because i don’t know how you’ll feel about it. i don’t know. i know if we ever did date, which we can’t but, theoretically okay! you’d have to know that stuff anyway. so it’s kinda irrelevant. but i don’t know, it’s scary.

imagine if we were in the same place this summer. if the world was nice that would be reality. but the world is rude and likes to play pranks :( at least we can still talk! i enjoy talking to you :)

from

ellie.