secretdissociation

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Why can't I cut the fat out of my arms? Why does fucking pain have to be in my fucking way. Sure, my arm may be very uneven and look like an eroding cliff but that's okay.

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This is a need, but I'll hand it from the ceiling and then have it rotate in circles while it spin and I'll change standing positions every 5 seconds, call that Russian Mutilation

*throws this at you* ENDER PEARLLLLL

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I should've jumped on Tuesday

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i cannot keep crying randomly in the day. this is fucking ridiculous. i need to be sedated. killed. decapitated. shot. anything that stops me from living. please

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i feel 0.1% better after going on this rant

but i want myfriend back i want the friend that used my name and my pronouns and respected me and had faith in me and told me that i was smart and i believed her because shewas my friend and friends dont lie and i dont think she wouldve lied and i really liked her and i want her back

hey look if anyone wants to die or has a time machine can you let me know because like i think id really like it if my friend was alive

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and i hate thirty year old men with no emotional maturity that cry about being lonely when all they do is play video games all day and cry about how they want to kill themselves and when you try to converse with them they tell you absolutely nothing and you have the biggest urge to tell them that theyre the fucking problem and block them but oh wait you did block them because they got really boring to bully because why the fuck are you thirty and acting this way and it would be okay if it was one thirty year old man but this is more than once instance of a thirty year old man like pick yourselves up

i refuse to believe there is a male loneliness epidemic because they always blame their inability to talk to women like ho is you dumb and then when you ask them about their friends turns out their friends don't talk about anything worthwhile - its all superficial. no woman or human being wants to talk to someone that doesnt tell you whats going on in their life be for real.

and then its your immaturity. i cant be friends with someone that blames you when you rant like it was high-time you got blocked anyway. fuck you and your lonely ass. dont go expecting women to solve your problems

if youre a male and youre lonely and you dont blame women fair enough i guess you still dont get a pass from me though i literally could not give two flying fucks if a man died from loneliness.... and also this is specifically for amab people. i think other people that identify as a man aren't amab have different sets of difficulties regarding this issue such as access to healthcare, accepting communities, safety, higher rates of homelessness, gender dysphoria, etc etc unless you've turned into an incel then fuck off with that???

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i hate how i feel everyday i hate the way this broken system called society works i hate capitalism i hate meat i hate fish i hate the dairy industry, i hate money i hate consumerism i hate transactions i hate the healthcare system i hate the long waiting list i hate the dont call until youre basically dying i hate CAMHS I hate people i hate phone calls i hate the concept of friends i hate friends i hate family i hate summer i hate spring and i hate autumn and i love winter and i hate feeling warm and hot and i hate working and i hate assignments and i hate achieving and achievements and i hate therapy and i hate medication i hate fucking dbt and i hate healthy coping mechanisms that dont fucking work i hate why dont you try journaling and i hate journaling and i hate getting wet and i hate showers and i hate getting out of the shower and i hate being damp and i hate hair and i hate try paced breathing and i hate why dont you play with soap and i hate why dont you buy this and i hate why dont you go for a walk and i hate you will grow around your grief and i hate you'll meet new people and i hate you'll forge new bonds and i hate why don't you go to the gym and i hate why don't you diet and i hate try this new diet and i hate how to lose weight effectively and i hate intermittent fasting and i hate calorie counting and i hate people that dont reassure the fact that you don't look fat and i hate people that say theyre fat and i hate people that insult themselves and do it to be reassured and i hate people that don't have deblitating eating disorders and i hate healthy peopleand i hate being miserable and I hate hating and i hate liking and i hate hating hating and hating liking and I have a considerable dislike towards the community mental health team, and I hate speeches I HATE HATE HATE SPEECHES about cats and babies and i hate pregnancy and I hate speechies on failure and failing residency because i couldnt give two flying fucks about failing and I fucking hate institutions built on colonisation and decades of systematic racism and i hate human zoos and I hate colonizers of the philippines and algeria and i fucking hate french people and the french fucking government for being unapologetic in their continual white knighting of freedom and protection when they radicalised ethnic cleansing in a white knight-y way. and I hate ignorant people that study law and have no sense of maturity and i really fucking hate french people. and i hate war crimes of the japanese and their faux ignorance of their crimes against south-west asians and i hate colonisers and i hate the u.s of fucking racism and i hate white people and i hate almost everything in this god damn forsaken world i cant wait to fucking kill myself either next week, the week after, or in june

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she would listen to me rant about the same thing over and over again id forget i told her something and she wouldnt interrupt me like others

its not the same hanging out at your grave. fucking its lonely. its fucking lonely because no one wants to come with me because its too hard on them but atleast they fucking have a fucking support group and other fucking friends and i have fucking no one and i regret making friends

i shouldve dropped out i shoudlve dropped out then killed myself i should have killed myself before

it takes three hours to get to beachy head. im planning on visiting her beforehand and leaving some yellow and red roses. then I'll get to clapham junction station take the SWR and just bus and hike it from there and fucking jump because fuck this shit and fuck doing my assignments when all i can think of is my dead fucking friend

i'll leave enough money for m rats and my hamster and it doesnt matter anyway because ill be dead and they can all fend for themselves because they fucking deserve it i did everything i did paperwork i called up people despite self harming afterwards because of how much i hate phone calls and talking to strangers I explained shit to them and yet i am the problem

fuck trying to be friendly with people in a world full of transactions. fuck living and life. fuck the living and the lively

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people act like i should be over it already. Im not. why are you texting me asking about what modules i have picked. why are you bothering me about groupwork. why are you sending me fucking paragraphs about something that could be one sentence. why are you bothering me

why are you acting like im not sad. why am i acting like im not slicing up my skin why am i acting like im fine why do i have to smile all the time why why why me

my friend is dead. my friend is dead and everyone is just living and im here ready to die finally. my only regret is not dying at 12. or 13 or before now. anytime before now.

i want my friend back. i want to talk to her about shit nobody else wants to listen to. about my eating disorder, about dpression, about dying, about fanfiction, about gay characters that totally should be canonically gay, about essays, about how horrible me hair is and how she keeps her hair nice, about how im hungry, about how shes tired, about how shes in pain (again), about how im in pain (again), about hanging out, about life, about anoying family, about university.

i want my friend back. i'd exchange anyone for my friend back. i want my only fucking friend back

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I dont think I can do this anymore

The one friend I liked is dead. i have no one to reach out to.

The other people i am 'amicable' with are near to impossible to hang out with. Cancelled plans. Dead groupchat. Hey wanna hang? No i cant.

no effort to see when they can hangout next. I cant do this. i want my fucking friend back. Im so fucking lonely. I've memorised the journey to beachy head. I have an unsigned will i need two witnesses to sign but i donthave anyone to sign it.

I have an ado and yaosobi concert to go to that I wont be able to go to because im going to kill myself.

i have things on my bucket list im never going to be able to do. Im never going to have a normal life because im miserable all the damn time. I tried. I tried everything. nothing has worked.

My friend is fucking dead. and I have no friends left. everything i work so hard to build falls apart. everything in life is fleeting. memories are fickle. memories of her voice betray me. memories of anything remotely enjoyable betrays me. there is no permanence in my life.

reach out they say. reach out to fucking who? tell me? please just fucking tell me reach out to fucking who my friends what friends its like they were never my fucking friends. i tried so hard why is everything so fucking fickle. i cant keep up. i cant. i really cant. i want my one and only friend back. but shes dead and now i have no one to hangout with.

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In memory of my friend, a writer, a human, but mostly importantly, someone I loved.

Soooo my friend died of natural causes. I mean thats great really. not like i wanted to tell her a bunch of stuff next time I see her. or like wanted to go to the txt concert with her LIKE WE PLANNED AND LIKE I FUCKING BOOKED (TXT concert in london by the way). o i didnt go with her i thought she was just too ill to check her phone but actually she was dead.

and our lasts text to eachother was me being like 'broski dying' and her being like 'fr' and her being like 'hope i dont die before wednesday' and me being like call the gp tomorrow at 8am and ask for an emergency appointment because you need one, do not wait till wednesday.

and then she fucking goes and dies on Friday because friday was tomorrow and fuck sake I told her to go the hospital on thursday I told her to go i told her to just go but the doctors always fob her off and I told her to go to go to go and I wanted to tell her that I was switching to her course and I wanted to show her my new tattoos and I wanted to tell her eid mubarak today and I wanted to tell her so much. I wanted to tell her that she missed the txt concert and give her one of the banners that I got and I wanted to tell her that I managed to get new rats but she died before she even knew I found two new rats to get and I wanted her to meet my rats because she wanted to meet me rats and I wanted her to meet my rats. and I wanted to go to nandos again together and to write fanfic together and I wanted to celebrate her birthday because I wanted to and I wanted her to and I wanted our friendship group to meet again but they are always so busy and me and her would just hang out and be like man I wish the others would just miss their lessons and meet us because I missed my lecture and seminar to meet them and I wish we could hang out again because I didn't expect her to die because she had so many things I had so many things we had so many things we wanted to do and I wanted us to be friends forever.

because she was one of the first proper friends I made at university and I wanted us to graduate together. because we made friendship bracelets together and she bought be and then brought me posters for my accommodation room and because we baked cakes together and ate them together and sat around the table and ate them together as a friendship group and because I finally finally made a friendship group a group i always wanted to make and I wanted to make one because I never had proper friends before because nobody ever liked me or likes me and she liked me and she said

she said she liked listening to me talk and she liked it when I spoke and she liked to listen to me ramble and she didn't mind having a bulimic, self harming, suicidal bitchy friend with fried hair and hypocritical tendencies who liked to argue a lot and because she was my friend and I liked her eventhough sometimes i wouldnt understand her way of sympathy and I would complain to my mother but thats because I like to vent because im quick to hate but i didn;t actually hate her i loved her because she was my friend.

and now i have no friend that I can talk to. no friend i can vent to in an all-nighter. no friend I can TMI with about my health issues. No friend that I can show how an expensive fancy plaster that looks invisible works. NO friend that I can complain to about my therapy and my keyworker that takes 7-10 business days (exxageration because she takes more like two days minimum and 5 days maximum to reply) she's kinda bad at her job but thats okay because shes underpaid and busy). no friend that will listent o me talka bout food and how much I want to vomit my food out and how i purged every nandos meal we had together except that one time when i told her i do and so i didn't that one time.

and when gloria died and i self harmed she said i cant control it and its okay and thats the first time someone told me that. that it was okay. not 'be strong' or 'you havemore control that you think you do' but that its okay.

I have no friend who's favourite colour is yellow, who is bisexual, who hates the texture and taste and smell of oranges but like Fanta. who is good at digital art. Who writes fanfiction. who can read my work before i submit. who can do all nighters with me over text on whatsapp. who i can play draw together on roblox with. who i can play dress to impress on roblox with. who can be my friend.

no friend that hates AI. because truly she really hated AI. no friend who i can complain about anxiety too. where we can both be anxious. no friend that I can talk about english too. no friend no friend no more friends.

Yasmin Naseem 24.07.2006 - 21.03.2025

Her favourite Colour was Yellow.

She liked Hugh Jackman and David Tennant.

HATED rice. Loved pasta.

DID NOT LIKE ORANGED (hated oranges). Liked Fanta??? and orange flavoured soda.

Liked Nandos Mac and Cheese

I was definitely taller than her.

she is my friend

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I hope someone relates 😔

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Y'know actually I am very tired. Can these thoughts just shut up? Can the voices go away? I thought ranting on here would help me but these fucking thoughts and the fucking whispering is actually getting tiring can it actually like stopp stop stop. Because I can't do any work like this like I am in pain pain pain. Can they stop showing me pictures of deep fleshy fatty CUTS AND GO THE FUCK AWAY?

Can they please just stop like I am begging you to stop stp talking to me and stop being noisy and stop telling me how miserable how I am and stop telling me I should die and stop reminding me of my father and stop making me feel sad and stop telling me I deserve sleep and stop talking t me and stop using my brain as a vehicle and stop whispering to me but most of all stop talking over MY voice its my brain god damn it

I actually want to cry this is too much and I cried olike two days ago thats enough crying for the year okay because I want you to go away just shut up and go away please just stop stop and stop and leave me the fuck alone okay becaue I can't do this its too much I wish i had friends fuck fuck fuck i do want to die but i also want the thoughts to stop

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i hate that kind of sadness where your chest physically hurts

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OH yeah and then before that when I was talking to just my keyworker (before she summoned the psychaitrist lawd SHE DIDNT EVEN TELL ME SHE JUST STARTED TYPING THEN SAID ARE YOU OKAY WITH DR [insert name] coming and i was like uh um sure?)

and mann she was questioning my on this website I go to (not tumblr) and stuff and like this is a big problem because I really hope they dont find me on that forum I mean im sure its unlikely but like also why did ie ven tell her about the damn site man. i thought i wasnt that mentally usntable but clearly i am that mentally unstable and also ignore my grammar because I am fucked up not that way I mean im fine .

and like yeah. ugh