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dreams are weird wtf
was that fred van vleet lmao
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April 1st 2021 at 02:43 AM (start of writing)
going to post here because I've thought over and over and over again about getting a journal but I never pull through everytime I go to the dollarstore
But anyway. I think writing in this tumblr blog really helped me from like me being 14 up until I started becoming inactive after university.
1. So I pray everyday going to work. Especially the whole month of March. I have a superstition for the month of March because in the past 5-6 years or so something ALWAYS bad happens in March. It doesn't have to be super bad, or tragic... But something happens where I definitely cry about it (and maybe even a lot). Anyway, so I'm writing this post in my bed at 2 AM and it's FINALLY April 1st!!! I have a superstition still because I think I messed up by exposing myself for some reason tonight. But anyways I hope that's not the case...
2. So I'm excited because April is a month of new beginnings (typically). I think last year gets its own award of being horrible because it was the start of COVID, and being in a lockdown. And let's just say I did not cope well with not being able to see people I enjoy having around. I'm very awkward, antisocial, and an introvert, but I still have a few people that I need some socialization with to keep sane.
Anyways, so April of last year was alright. Not the best, still in the beginning of the pandemic. I still struggled with things but it wasn't as bad as March 2020. That was just straight up horrible.
So yeah, I'm excited for having nicer weather. For longer days, the sun setting later and later. It's nice. I need to find an outside hobby I enjoy. I think I really want to be good at roller blading this year.
3. So my new goal is... I think I need to stop caring. I've always been so overly concerned about other people's opinions. to this day some things (whether said intentionally or not with hard feelings) still bother me.
Being in your 20s is weird. Honestly I had no real trajectory in life, I was just kind of following the societal "norm" of go to school, get a job, then work? What next, marriage? Kids? I don't know. I find that there's such a range of things happening to people I know in their 20s. People are having kids, which is cool. People are getting married, that's cool. That or people are just chilling. That's also cool.
4. Social media and what people tell you is all a front. It's a highlight reel, and people try to talk themselves up. And I get it. No one wants to post about them having a bad day, or talk bad about themselves.
So. I'm sick of social media nowadays. I can't find enough strength to delete it because I still like the funny memes and other funny videos and content on there. That's part of my little joys in life. But yeah. I'm tired of feeling like I have to compare myself to others or that it's some sort of competition about who's the most successful. Who's getting married first. Who's having kids first. Who's getting that mansion first, or luxury car first.
5. I think I just hit a point where I just didn't want to socialize anymore today.
6. Anyway. I'm tired of timelines. I'm tired of being asked "non-chalantly" (yeah right) why I'm not engaged yet after 4+ years of being together, and why me and my significant other don't talk about those things. So? What is it to you? Just because you talked about your less than a year relationship and you're already looking at rings and houses, does that make MY relationship and life look BAD to you? Like wow, cool, thanks. I see that apparently it looks like my life and my relationship sucks because it's not great according to your standards
7. Note: I just needed to get that out. Because I cried on the way home after that specific situation. It sucked! It made me feel like shit about myself. And I know it shouldn't have. But I cared and it made me feel very bad.
8. so anyway... I don't have any answers to life. But I really am trying hard to work on not caring about social media or other's perceptions or opinions of me. I need to stop thinking I'm garbage because other people think so apparently.
...
I guess that's it for now. A long awaited rant... Resurfaced because I got triggered (haha). We'll see where life takes us, I'm hoping I learn eventually to just be not bothered about things.
That's where I really love the people who are closest to me. No judgment. No timelines. No pressure. I need that. I need to focus on what I want to eat tomorrow and watch tomorrow instead of someone's opinion that my relationship and my life trajectory sucks. Lmao
Okay bye.
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I think I should start writing again
Maybe not here but in a journal or something
Maybe there 's another app
Anyway I don't think I'll ever get used to waking up early for day shifts. I actually hate them. I can't sleep at night and i feel miserable tbh
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I have no other platform to write something
I always feel second best
I am just an afterthought
And it makes me sad. I feel lonely but there are better things to worry about in life
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my whole life is a joke
I shouldn't even be surprised
God, no matter how hard I pray it just gets worse
My mind will probably kill me one day
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I'll give up on my life when I got all my things in order
#1) pay off my debt first lol
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lol
1. I have no money from being sick all the time. I completely fucked myself up in my current job. I was so eager at 21 years old to be working full time and getting full time pay... At the end of the day the complete opposite happened. From getting sick every couple months and having to be on short term disability benefits... Then I finally got modified hours (which worked really well since I had more work life balance) but my paychecks weren't enough to pay for my bills and also give my parents some money every month. Basically no matter what I did I screwed myself over. I could either A) work full time, burn out, get depressed, have to take time off, but the money is great. Or B) work modified hours, feel mentally stable, but have no savings and pretty much live paycheck to paycheck.
2. I'm just sad lmao. I feel like I've tried everything. I don't want to talk to anyone about this because I'm just one big burden. I'm sure my parents are tired of me. I guess my only saving grace is that I do start my new job next month but I still have 7 fucking 12 hour shifts left before then and I don't think I can survive those without going insane and hating myself even more.
3. I feel disgusting. I sleep all day because I'm so tired from my 12 hour shifts. All I do when I finally wake up is eat. I'm so sad and disgusted with how I look.
Sigh
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it's temporary I guess
I can't sleep and I have to wake up for work in 3 hours
I work 12 hours in emerge tomorrow... I feel like I should be the one in emerge right now
I'm happy I got this new job (temporary but still it's okay) but at this very moment at 2 in the morning I regret telling my manager I could work full time again lol
Reasons why I decided to just get a doctor's note saying I was ready (when, judging from my current state I most certainly feel like shit):
1) I don't have anymore savings. I don't even have anymore money. Sure I have that mutual funds that I've set up and I can ask the bank to take my money out of it... But it just seems like a hassle. I feel like crap from all the times I've been off work. I was getting compensated by my benefits when I was working 4 hour shifts but then I got bumped up to working 8 hours shifts... Then I was no longer getting compensated for the rest of my hours. I admit working 3x a week 8 hour shifts was perfect for me. Better balance. Even though I still didn't get much sleep before day shifts (like right now... I'm going to be messed up for tomorrow lol) at least I knew my shift would be over in 8 hours instead of 12.
2) I was tired of fighting it. My manager keeps pushing and pushing. Insurance company/disability advisor keeps pushing and pushing. They want my updated medical. They need it now. Do I want to spend another $150 with no reimbursement to get more medical forms filled out? No I'm tired. I'd rather just lie and spend $35 instead to get a note saying I'm ready. I'm so tired of fighting it.
3) my medications are expensive??? I still was paying 23 dollars every 30 days. Even with 80% coverage. Idk about you but that's a lot lol. I don't even want to go to the dentist because even with benefits I still paid $100 for a fucking cleaning, like what??? When I was under my dad's insurance I didn't have to pay for a thing. Life is heavy.
Yeah...
Anyway. So I got a job offer. A part time job, although temporary, at least it's only 8 hour shifts AND only days and evenings. Finally, right? I was happy when they offered it to me because I was getting super fucking tired of my life. I felt so defeated lmao. Like wow I'm this big piece of shit who can't even do anything anymore. Anyways, now I'm feeling even more elated because I'm so tired. It's fucking 2 in the morning and I can't sleep. I have to work 12 hours in a couple of hours. This honestly sucks.
I contemplated calling in sick but I checked my schedule and I was finally placed somewhere lol. Emerge is so short staffed I probably should work... It's too late to call in sick.
I'm so tired. I feel like everyone's just too tired to be around me. I feel like shit. Remind me not to ever try befriending someone at work, everyone's an asshole.
It's temporary I guess.
It's temporary. Will I be okay? God I hope so.
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Today me and Ted went to church and then napped for like 4 hours
I love it!!!
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