secretwellofthoughts

[secretwellofthoughts]

+18

I don't have anywhere else to share it so I'll post it here.

I think it's time for me to move on from being a romantic.

I just turned 32, and I'm still a virgin. I never met anyone interested enough in me. I can count my little experiences with guys on one hand, and most of them aren't good.

I'm not one of those waiting for sex after the marriage. I was always too horny for that.

I just wanted to find a relationship. With a good person who shares my values, similar goals for the future, great communication, trust. But how could I find someone like that when I couldn't even find anyone attracted to me?

After hitting 30, I've decided I'm done looking. I deleted all my dating apps, and I gave up. I focused on myself. I started going to concerts and solo trips, and I started to live my life without waiting for someone to show up. I live my life for me. A very simple thing that gets forgotten in life.

Yesterday I did something I never thought I would. I met a guy from a fetish site. I didn't know what to expect. I didn't know what I wanted.

We ended up having a great time. Alcohol made me brave. He's cute, very close to my ideal type of guy. He made me feel attractive and made me feel comfortable, calm. I don't know why I trusted him. We barely talked before we met.

I let go. For the first time in my life I wanted to be with someone, not sex, but just close. Close enough to take all of my clothes. No one ever saw me naked in real life before. I'm glad he was first, bc all I saw on his face was lust when he was looking at me.

After he left, I waited for shame to show up, for regret to eat me alive. I'm still surprised none of that happened. The opposite actually, I'm happy, I feel confident, I'm grateful.

I was convinced I wouldn't be able to do that without feelings. He's cute, I think I like him, but nothing more than that. I don't see myself falling for him. That's also a relief. We'll never be more and I'm really okay with that.

I'm very surprised by all this. Is this maturity? Is this giving up? Is this me moving on from my silly little romantic ideas?

Because I can see myself doing this again. With him or with someone else. Would I ever want and be ready for casual sex? Kinda ironic that being a virgin, making it something special, is holding me back from having full fun.

I'll definitely cry, hell, I'm crying while writing this post. But I'll take the time to cry and mourn the loss of me being innocent, the loss of my romantic ideas and dreams that never came true.

I know I'll be okay tho. I live my life for me.

[secretwellofthoughts]

I love safety. I really do. I hate being in situations where I don't feel safe. So there are some ground rules.

He's a great driver. The drive is easy, like an empty highway or something.

After covering of all that...

What if I reach with my hand to driver's zipper? What about a slow sensual handjob while they can't really look at what I'm doing? They're just forced to feel my hand.

What if I get anxious looking at the road and take my hand away, but without a glance, they bring my hand back?

[secretwellofthoughts]

I love masturbating in the morning. Sometimes I read, but lately I've been sticking to watching porn.

Today, I watched a bound girl being pounded by her man and many, many others. People clapped when her man made her cum. A beautiful sex party. He owned her, he shared her, he made her cum.

Do I want that, too?