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[sedatedinterpellation]

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the new year's eve is now. i dont know how hard it is to be myself anymore because i didn't feel like i had a break this year.

can i really do try to start all over again? can i find parts of myself i already declared lost long ago? can i wake up and decide it's time to stand up above these things later? i loved so much i hated to feel being unloved even for a second. it scared me deeply. i went through places i wouldn't even go without a gun! all for the love i knew i wanted, but was it really what i needed?

to my boyfriend, i hope you knew how hard it was to sleep the entire month after we tried going no contact. the entire december i was crying over things you refuse to give answers to. how can you mean so much to me and i mean nothing to you at all? i chased things that used to make me feel good and it led me to nothing but resonant echoes of whati used to be. i do not know how or who i was before i met you now because our happiest days was my happiest moments of my life ever, the love of my life sleeping beside me, hugging me, kissing me, saying they love me, caressing me. those were moments you gave me that i chersih deeply in my life. the life i once despised. the life i once conisidered to end at 19.

how can you leave me at the wosrt point of my life? how could you feign ignorance on the fact htat in the moment i needed you the most, you wanted to throwm e away like used tused tissues? it hurts so much, it used so much of myself to make me lovable for you in the way you loved even if that was not how i really wanted to be loved. it hurts so much because i loved you so much. does it feel the same way for you too, yvan?

to my best friend in college, i'm so sorry for letting you down. im sorry i couldn't get out of a situation i could get out of even with your relentless guidance, even if i constantly told myself and everyone im gonna get out of the way and focus on my feelings. im so scared ofd even reaching out to you even if i fel so suidcidal because i respect your request that you're gonna keep your distance away from me muna. im so scared because i miss you real bad and if i tried to reconcile with you, will i be back to where we used to stand, tal? im not taking the things you did against you, for i understand. i always will.

to my exes, chriziane and disney. thank you for being able to show up even if you didn't need to. what i felt when i talked to you two, the past muses of my lives i used to be was cathartic. but as liberating as it was, it was painful as well. if my past lovers can do this, why can't my current one extend the same amount of compassion to me?

ziane, sorry for being able to give you the closure we both deserved so long just now. i just somehow found it ironic that i am chasing for something i never was able to giv to us: closure. and it's nice to see how much you've changed through time. you aren't static anymore, you express yourself better now; i hope things stay that way and i am rooting for you to be happy and sufficient.

disney, im so confused on how we are supposed to be functioning because i wasn't used to this kind of kindness from you. but you told me that doing good things doesn't have to come from anything. and you were right, that's how i used to be before. thank you for reminding me who i was and how far i strayed the path of whoi was supposed t obe.

i had all of these people and more around me and i still wanted to have your love, yvan. i put you in a pedestal too high that you had no choice to look down on me, it put me in a situation where i felt smaller, i felt worse, but at the same time your presence in my life gives me relief on how the happiest moments i feel like was my heaven in the hellish life i live in. you were the light ad the end of my tunnel and the poison that will kill me as well.

to my friends in quezon city, im so sorry guys that i wasn't able to see you guys this year, it pains me to have less time with you guys due to how volatile my life is this year. on the next, i will have you guys back on my life! please give me time to remember myself and who i was before all of this ahppened. i will be back.

to my friends im pampanga, im so sorry that i failed to see how much you guys loved me for who i was, unlike the man i saw as my greatest love of all. its ironic.. its stupid.. its saddening toknow you guys saw my descent into madness and i still dont know how to rise up from the ashes with grace. please extend the love and support you can muster up for me as it is the only thing that will make me happier: to be with you guys again.

to rhazelle, you are amazing. i already cried at you kaninang madaling araw and you're just the best person i had in my life after my ex. thank you for being there!

to myself. im sorry you're in this sorry state right now where you consider dying as the best option right now. i hope you never push that plan thoruhg. i hope you never check out that rope. i hope you never find a spot to haneed. now, my task is done. i hog yourself from. i hope you forgive yourself for doing only the best that you could. i hope you hold the same amound of understanding to yourself that you give everyone else. i hope you havee it in you to do better, feel better and look better. i hope you can have everything you have in my life that i wasn't able to have this year. i hope everything in your life goes your dway. i hope things around you, hte poelpe around you makes you think that life is so good to have. the privilege you have by being born in the same time as everyone you have encountered is a gift i hope you can realize you have so much more than the people is worth living. i hope you get everything what you need and more.

i love the people that i helped to get through things because they are now the ones who are doing their best to help me get back on my feet, even if i ma not used to being mothered, it definitely feels so good to have what you give be given back to you by the people i mothered.. reciprocated. appreciated. cherished. loved. taken care of. i want it to go on endlessly, back and forth ebbing and flowing like the waves, waxing and waning like the moon!

please give yourself kindness again, karl!

everyone, friends, cousins, people i shared pleasant memories with, please forgive me for being incompetent this year. i did not know someonee like me can run out of love.