selfpositiveundertale

[selfpositiveundertale]

Update: the migraine rendered my psych meds ineffective. I once again experienced the existential terror and despair and wondered if the migraine was going to kill me. Also wondered how many painkillers I could get away with taking to make the pain stop but didn't take any. Was feeling like I wanted to voluntarily shuffle off this mortal coil if you know what I mean but told myself I can't do that because my husband needs me and he would absolutely NOT be better off if I was dead.

Thankfully my medications made me go to sleep and I got through the night.

This morning my husband has been dealing with a headache and throwing up but he insisted to drive me to the chiropractic to get my ribs and neck fixed rather than me get an Uber there. I allowed it because 1, the clinic is less than a mile from home and 2, traffic isn't too bad in the morning. He was able to do it but I did have to tell him not to run a red light. He sat in the car while I went inside and threw up again even though I'd given him nausea medicine. He got us home with very little trouble.

Impressive how my husband had a stroke and has to keep one eye covered and he can still drive better than I can with a migraine. Ngl I feel pretty pathetic about that. Head hurts so bad I'm hallucinating and experiencing confusion and forgetfulness and auras are happening and my hands are shaking so it's not safe for me to be behind the wheel of a car. It's been like this for months and I haven't driven since November because of it even when I got on the new medication.

I talked to my chiropractor about what happened and he recommended my husband start taking co q 10. Hopefully we can find some for a decent price.

My husband is sleeping again and if he's hungry when he wakes up I'll cook or order whatever he wants to eat.

I might try for a nap myself since my head still really hurts.

If my head feels any better after a nap I'll crochet or draw some more. I'll study my How To Draw Manga Furries book and the drawing courses I bought a while back some more and get some practice in.

Side note: I am considering crocheting animal ears in faux fur yarn and selling them. So far I've been able to make cat ears and bear ears and my husband and I wore these for a furry convention last year. People were pretty impressed when I said they were crochet. If I can find fur yarn in fun colors(hard to find since most fur yarn only comes in "realistic" animal colors) I can cater to folks in the furry community who have colorful fursonas and would like ears to match. I'm sure I can find patterns or figure out how to make ears for foxes, dogs, bunnies, etc.

Still staying determined even through fear, uncertainty, sadness, and intense physical pain and fatigue.

Hey everyone. Probably a long post. Not a very happy one. Tw for scary medical stuff, but it's not for me.

My husband spent the night in the hospital. Yesterday he called my mom and asked her to come get him from work because he felt dizzy and tingly on one side of his body and his vision was doubled, so she took him to the ER and called me. I got an Uber there and we stayed with him late. They did various tests including blood work and a CT scan and neurological tests and checked the pressure on his eyeballs and he passed every test with flying colors but his blood pressure and cholesterol were high and his eyes were rolling in different directions like plastic googly eyes and his pupils were super dilated and he couldn't focus and they couldn't figure out why so they admitted him for the night and gave him an MRI today.

Turns out he had a mild stroke in the thalamus. The neurologist said he dodged a bullet because he can walk and speak and his coordination is fine and both sides of his body are functioning the same, but his vision is still wacky because his eyes don't want to work together right now. He's gonna have to see a vision therapist and wear an eye patch but switch eyes every 4 hours while he's awake to strengthen both of his eyes. Since his depth perception is so bad right now he's going to have to practice driving in an empty parking lot before he can be on the road. He won't be going in to work tomorrow and I'm not sure when he'll be able to go back to work since he's a truck driver. He has to take an aspirin every day forever and he has a cholesterol medication to take.

I'll need to make a few adjustments to the way I cook for him and be mindful of the amount of sodium that goes into anything. I'll probably make salt free versions of the spice blends I use regularly so I can add salt as I see fit. The neurologist said other than salt and added sugars he doesn't need to really change his diet but I'm going to look up foods that can help him and ask my chiropractor for nutrition advice for him. As I've said in the past, my chiropractor is a licensed nutritionist and I've gotten really good sound nutrition advice from him before so if there are any foods that can help my husband, he will know. I did tell my husband I'll make whatever he wants for dinner this weekend and he requested chicken and dumplings so you better believe I'm gonna make him the best chicken and dumplings he's ever had. I mean my chicken and dumplings are already the best he's ever had but that's not the point.

My husband's best friend has been a saint through this whole ordeal. He's been calling and texting to check on us, asking if we need anything, he and his wife brought us dinner and got my husband's car from his work and brought it home and they'll do our grocery shopping tomorrow so I can stay home and look after him. Their young daughter even made my husband a get well card. These folks are like family to us and I'm so so thankful for their help in this trying time.

But then the next issue is going to be the hospital bill. We don't have any health insurance so we have to fill out financial assistance paperwork and hope it'll cover enough so we won't be buried under even more debt. And of course, getting by for however long he'll be out of work. Monday is a holiday so he has the day off anyway and he's got PTO days but I don't know how many. He is getting a paycheck tomorrow but idk how long it'll have to last. I'm trying to work on things for my Etsy shop because every little bit I can bring in helps. I'm also still working on my art and trying to get to a point I might feel justified offering commissions. I need to post more on my art blog and on my bluesky and try to get more of a following there so I might eventually be able to take commissions and maybe even start up a Patreon but I have to keep practicing and studying.

We are both in our early 30s, and he had a stroke at his age. It was probably caused by stress but we don't know for certain. Please please please, for the love of everything good in this world, take care of yourselves. Look after your health. Practice self care. I don't want this to happen to any of y'all. It's been so scary and we've both cried a lot today. As much as I've been crying, I have to be strong for him and support him when he breaks down. He's not used to being scared and sad, especially for himself, and he doesn't really know how to handle it.

He's home and sleeping now. I currently have a migraine, the first I've had in over a week since getting on a new medication for it and it's probably being caused by a mix of the stress of the last 2 days and I might also have some ribs out of place because the chairs beside the beds both in the ER and in the room they moved him to wrecked my back. But unless it escalates bad enough to render my psych meds ineffective and make me uncoordinated and incapacitated, I'm still going to be taking care of my husband in whatever way I can.

Good vibes are appreciated.

Stay determined.

[selfpositiveundertale]

Hey everyone. Probably a long post. Not a very happy one. Tw for scary medical stuff, but it's not for me.

My husband spent the night in the hospital. Yesterday he called my mom and asked her to come get him from work because he felt dizzy and tingly on one side of his body and his vision was doubled, so she took him to the ER and called me. I got an Uber there and we stayed with him late. They did various tests including blood work and a CT scan and neurological tests and checked the pressure on his eyeballs and he passed every test with flying colors but his blood pressure and cholesterol were high and his eyes were rolling in different directions like plastic googly eyes and his pupils were super dilated and he couldn't focus and they couldn't figure out why so they admitted him for the night and gave him an MRI today.

Turns out he had a mild stroke in the thalamus. The neurologist said he dodged a bullet because he can walk and speak and his coordination is fine and both sides of his body are functioning the same, but his vision is still wacky because his eyes don't want to work together right now. He's gonna have to see a vision therapist and wear an eye patch but switch eyes every 4 hours while he's awake to strengthen both of his eyes. Since his depth perception is so bad right now he's going to have to practice driving in an empty parking lot before he can be on the road. He won't be going in to work tomorrow and I'm not sure when he'll be able to go back to work since he's a truck driver. He has to take an aspirin every day forever and he has a cholesterol medication to take.

I'll need to make a few adjustments to the way I cook for him and be mindful of the amount of sodium that goes into anything. I'll probably make salt free versions of the spice blends I use regularly so I can add salt as I see fit. The neurologist said other than salt and added sugars he doesn't need to really change his diet but I'm going to look up foods that can help him and ask my chiropractor for nutrition advice for him. As I've said in the past, my chiropractor is a licensed nutritionist and I've gotten really good sound nutrition advice from him before so if there are any foods that can help my husband, he will know. I did tell my husband I'll make whatever he wants for dinner this weekend and he requested chicken and dumplings so you better believe I'm gonna make him the best chicken and dumplings he's ever had. I mean my chicken and dumplings are already the best he's ever had but that's not the point.

My husband's best friend has been a saint through this whole ordeal. He's been calling and texting to check on us, asking if we need anything, he and his wife brought us dinner and got my husband's car from his work and brought it home and they'll do our grocery shopping tomorrow so I can stay home and look after him. Their young daughter even made my husband a get well card. These folks are like family to us and I'm so so thankful for their help in this trying time.

But then the next issue is going to be the hospital bill. We don't have any health insurance so we have to fill out financial assistance paperwork and hope it'll cover enough so we won't be buried under even more debt. And of course, getting by for however long he'll be out of work. Monday is a holiday so he has the day off anyway and he's got PTO days but I don't know how many. He is getting a paycheck tomorrow but idk how long it'll have to last. I'm trying to work on things for my Etsy shop because every little bit I can bring in helps. I'm also still working on my art and trying to get to a point I might feel justified offering commissions. I need to post more on my art blog and on my bluesky and try to get more of a following there so I might eventually be able to take commissions and maybe even start up a Patreon but I have to keep practicing and studying.

We are both in our early 30s, and he had a stroke at his age. It was probably caused by stress but we don't know for certain. Please please please, for the love of everything good in this world, take care of yourselves. Look after your health. Practice self care. I don't want this to happen to any of y'all. It's been so scary and we've both cried a lot today. As much as I've been crying, I have to be strong for him and support him when he breaks down. He's not used to being scared and sad, especially for himself, and he doesn't really know how to handle it.

He's home and sleeping now. I currently have a migraine, the first I've had in over a week since getting on a new medication for it and it's probably being caused by a mix of the stress of the last 2 days and I might also have some ribs out of place because the chairs beside the beds both in the ER and in the room they moved him to wrecked my back. But unless it escalates bad enough to render my psych meds ineffective and make me uncoordinated and incapacitated, I'm still going to be taking care of my husband in whatever way I can.

Good vibes are appreciated.

Stay determined.

[selfpositiveundertale]

I'm loopy from a migraine and taking extra painkillers in desperation for relief and may or may not be able to go to sleep in a timely manner so y'all are getting more cat posting enjoy

This is Inky, she's an absolute sweetheart but her love language is biting. She shows affection by grabbing my hand with her front paws, hugging it close, and then biting the crap out of it while purring loud enough to be heard across the room. She's also very clingy, and very loud and whiny when she wants attention, which is often. And a natural shoulder kitty. We did not teach her, she just likes to climb up to a person's shoulder and hang out up there and started doing it on her own.

This right here is the most adorable pic I've ever taken of her and I'm a little obsessed with it. Look at her sparkly eyes 😭😭😭🖤🖤🖤

Also even though I'm very much obsessed with Bendy (like special interest level of obsessed lol) her name was not my idea! Different family member started calling her Little Black Inkspot and accidentally called her Inky one day and she responded to it so that's her name now. But when she's being Rambunctious as she and her siblings tend to be I call her my personal little Ink Demon and whenever I'm cuddling her I'll make jokes like "oops I got ink all over my shirt lol" but honestly she's very Babey and I love how affectionate she is even if the biting hurts sometimes.

[selfpositiveundertale]

So like, last July, the very same week my husband and I took in Sterling, a very pregnant stray kitty followed a family member home from a walk. I think she smelled cats on him and thought he'd know a safe place to have her kittens. This happened on a Friday night, and over the weekend she gave birth to 7 kittens. We have named her Mama Katyushka and her babies are Arthur, Sir Robin/Baby Boy Baby/Bobbins, Sir Lancelot/Noodle/Evil Larry, Frank/Puddin, Griselda, Inky, and Jellybean. The four boys were neutered asap because the clinic we take them to doesn't require an appointment for male cat neuters or feral cat TNRs, only for female cat spays. Once they were done, we made an appointment for Mama Katyushka (which took a few months since they were booked pretty far out) and now that she's recovered I've just called and left a message to start making appointments for the three girls. They also receive a rabies vaccine with the surgery unless the owner provides proof they've already had one. Just wanna let y'all know we are being responsible and getting them all fixed as soon as we can.

Anyway I need y'all to know that Jellybean loves to play fetch with her toys. I've been throwing a "worm on a string minus the string" for her for the last hour at least. Every time I throw it, she launches herself after it and then comes back carrying it in her mouth like a proud hunter with her latest kill. She's obsessed with this dang thing. I took these photos the day she found it where my husband was keeping it in his Nintendo switch case and decided it's her new favorite toy, and I have never seen a cat's eyes so big and so black 😂😂😂

Her nose is also kinda heart shaped so her face in emojis is basically ⚫🖤⚫

Side note: After we lost Sterling, she started spending a lot more time with us. My husband is her favorite human anyway, and I think she knew we were sad and wanted to make us feel better. Now she sleeps in our room with us every night, she comes in here looking for my husband and if he's at work or otherwise not home she starts whining and moping, and she always comes running when he calls her. She is truly his little princess and it's genuinely adorable how she's got him wrapped around her little paw lol

[selfpositiveundertale]

Update I threw together some lazy golden milk. Shook some turmeric, black pepper, and Ceylon cinnamon into a cup of oat milk, warmed it up in the microwave, mixed it real good, added honey and drank it and my pain has become Tolerable even if it's not Gone and I think I can get some sleep now.

[selfpositiveundertale]

Long post in which I ramble about my grief of losing a trusted medical provider I've been seeing for many years, the physical pain I am currently experiencing, what physical pain does to my mind when it escalates too much, the mental health care I receive, and things I think I'll start doing to take care of myself.

The chiropractic called me earlier before I went to my appointment. My main chiropractor Dr K who I've been seeing since I was a child, for nearly 22 years, can no longer see me because he found out he has a severe allergy to cats and every time he sees a patient with cats he's sick for days afterward. I have cats, so me and all his other cat owner patients are being switched to the other two who work in the office. I'm gutted. I don't know how I'm going to cope with this. I can still see Dr R, been seeing him for about 17 years, and that's who I saw today but he's not the same. Dr K knows me better than any other medical professional who has ever worked with me. He always has an answer for any question I have and when he doesn't have an answer immediately he researches it so he can find out for me. He's done more for me than any other doctor ever. He's gotten me through so much. I trust him more than anyone in the world except my husband. And now out of nowhere I can't see him anymore. I'm shattered. I feel like I just lost a family member. I'm very much in mourning. Dr R was sympathetic and let me cry about it while he was fixing up my ribs and neck.

My husband and I eventually want to move to live with my best friend who lives two states away, so I knew I'd eventually have to say goodbye to Dr K whether it was when we move or if he retires before then since he's pretty old, but I wasn't expecting it to end so suddenly like this. I might create a digital art piece to email him and thank him for everything he's done for me.

Idk. I want to sleep but I am laid low by a menstrual migraine (been happening every cycle since last June) and I don't think the pain will allow me to fall asleep even though I've taken my nighttime meds (which include a pain medication that doubles as an anxiety medication and is known to cause drowsiness but is not a controlled substance) plus over the counter nausea medicine that is known to cause drowsiness plus my opioid painkiller plus over the counter migraine pain reliever. The caffeine in the last one doesn't keep me awake so I can take it at any time of day which is convenient when headaches strike when I need to be asleep but I just wish any of this would actually do the job and relieve the pain right now. It's getting worse and when my physical pain levels escalate to 8/10 or higher, my psychiatric meds stop working and all my mental illnesses decide it's time to party. I get pretty weird and unhinged and addled and I hallucinate and experience paranoia and existential terror and despair and no perceivable blemish on my skin is safe from my hands and I wonder if the pain is actually going to kill me. So far it hasn't and to be clear I absolutely do not want it to but the question and the terror at the possibility is always there.

I have an appointment tomorrow afternoon at the place I go for mental health care, to discuss my meds. The combo I'm on right now works well enough, except when the physical pain gets out of hand. I don't think there's a psych med in the world that will make the hallucinations and horrific existentialism stop when I have a migraine, and the doctor I see here understands that because we've tried increasing my meds for that purpose and seen it didn't work.

My new community support specialist thinks it's good that I'm looking into herbal medicine (I'm mostly looking into folk remedies in the Appalachian region) and wanting to use it in combination with modern medicine, and she said she will look into some herbal medicine from her home country (she is Indian) and see what she can find for me. I really want to get my hands on a copy of that Lost Book Of Herbal Remedies as well as Forgotten Home Apothecary and see what I can find in there that might be useful to me. She did recommend turmeric and black pepper and I might actually go in the kitchen and mix some into a cup of warm oat milk just to see if it will make me feel better and help me sleep.

Since my mental health sinks into the abyss like a whale fall to be feasted upon by the horrors in the deep when I'm in extreme physical pain, I may or may not need to take a more holistic approach to my overall health. Obviously keep tending to the different things that need tending like taking the meds for the specific things I need them for, but also look into ways that can help everything. Stay on top of keeping myself adequately fed and nourished with tasty nutrient dense foods, drink teas that will boost what needs boosting, start hydrated, go to the gym with my husband and get back on my bulking and weight training, maybe even actually get some sunlight, that kind of thing.

Sometimes I feel like the only thing keeping my body functioning is my own determination to stubbornly hold onto hope out of spite, and jokes that the gods had to nerf me by giving me a defective body or else I would usurp them all. My willpower is honestly some untapped potential for great power and I need to learn to harness it to overcome everything that stands in my way. I can break free from sleep paralysis, so I know I'm capable of being more stubborn than my body's refusal to cooperate, I just need to get used to turning my willpower onto other things that I need to overpower, both internal and external.

Sigh. It's after midnight. I'm still in a lot of physical pain and I still need to go to sleep, so I think I will try the warm oat milk and tumeric.

Night night y'all, I love you and stay determined.

❤️🧡💛💚🩵💙💜

[selfpositiveundertale]

Oh btw if anyone went to Kamicon in Birmingham, Alabama this year and saw a Spamton cosplayer walking around carrying a Spamton talking plush doll on Saturday, that was me lol (I was also the Alice Angel on Friday)

[selfpositiveundertale]

<⁠(*⁠��⁠ヮ⁠꒪⁠*⁠)⁠↗ Photo of cornbread I made myself look how pretty it is

Saw something recently that said "make cornbread not war" and I really like that (and I really like cornbread) so I'm gonna share the cornbread recipe I use. This is really good with beans, pot roast, chili, and other hearty foods. It is gluten free and I believe can be made plant based as well if you substitute some ingredients, for those who can't have pork, dairy, and/or eggs for any reason.

2 cups yellow cornmeal (not self rising cornmeal mix like White Lily as that stuff has self rising flour in it, just plain regular cornmeal)

2 tsp baking powder

1 tsp salt

¼ tsp baking soda

2 eggs, beaten (substitute I've used when I didn't have enough eggs: to substitute one egg, mix 1 tbsp ground flax seed with 3 tbsp water, let it sit for a few minutes, and then it's ready to use. If you can't get or can't have flax seed, you can google other substitutions)

2 cups buttermilk (I have seen plant based versions of buttermilk in my local grocery stores. Not sure how easy they are to find in any given place but I'm sure there are also ways to substitute it)

2 tbsp melted fat (I use bacon fat since I cook bacon regularly enough to have a few jars of fat on hand but have also used lard[which I also use to season my cast iron], but if you don't do pork you can use melted butter or a neutral flavor oil like vegetable, avocado, canola etc. In my experience with baking, fat is fat and one can be used in place of another. The finished product might taste a little different depending on what fat/oil you used, but for the most part it will all serve the same purpose in the science of baking.)

Place a 9-10" cast iron skillet or other baking dish inside the oven and preheat to 425 F. Yes, you want to leave your baking receptacle in the oven while it heats so it'll be hot when you pour the batter in. This helps the cornbread get a nice crust on the outside!

Mix dry ingredients in a bowl.

Mix eggs and buttermilk in a separate bowl, then add to dry ingredients.

Add melted fat or oil and mix well.

When the oven is preheated, remove your baking receptacle and add a tbsp or 2 of fat/oil. Swirl it around to coat the inside of the pan.

Pour the batter into the pan. Nice satisfying sizzle noise go tsssss~

Bake 20-30 minutes.

Enjoy!

I can also share the method I use for cooking dry beans if anyone is interested. It's not particularly complicated or difficult, just time consuming since they take a while to cook. But dry beans are significantly cheaper than canned beans, especially buying in bulk, and you can season them however you want, so I think knowing how to cook them is a good thing when there's a chance we could fall on hard times that require hard times recipe.

May this delicious cornbread fuel you to stay determined.

[selfpositiveundertale]

Text reads: It's all right if you can't join resistance efforts in blatantly visible ways like joining protests or rocking the boat hard enough for others to notice. Sometimes you're just too tired, too burnt out, or maybe your physical or mental health will not allow for it. Finding any small amount of joy in anything at all is an act of resistance. Loving yourself and the ones you hold dear is an act of resistance. Choosing to be kind whenever possible is an act of resistance. Surviving is an act of resistance.

Made this recently when I was laid low by pain and couldn't get up to do anything. I really need to find inspiration to make more content here because I realized running this blog and sowing self positivity for people who need it in this trying time is also an act of resistance. My physical health will not allow me to take to the street and risk confrontation, and it frequently lays me so low it takes my mental health with it, but I do what I can when I can. Even if it's just making memes to encourage others.

[selfpositiveundertale]

I made these to cope with the stress of current events on top of mourning my kitten Sterling Cowboy. I call them pretzel dogs, or pretzel brats if I make them with bratwurst. They're hotdogs or brats or other sausage, wrapped in pretzel dough(some with cheese), and then finished the way one does with pretzels: boil in baking soda water, sprinkle coarse salt, and bake. Basically a bigger and better version of pigs in blankets. I used a pack of 8 hotdogs and used a food scale to divide up the dough in 8 equal portions. Made 4 with cheese and 4 without. Pretzel recipe Here if anyone wants it. You don't need a food scale to measure the dough, it's just my personal preference. You can eyeball the size or use measuring cups or whatever other method you like to split it up.

To make pretzel dogs: Cook your hotdogs/sausages first. I just pan fry them because it's the easiest way for me. Make the pretzel dough. When you divide it up, flatten a piece into a wide strip a little longer than the hotdog. Press shredded or cut up sliced cheese into the strip of dough before wrapping if you want. Wrap it around the hotdog so the ends stick out. Finish the recipe as normal. It will likely puff up a lot during the baking soda bath. I was only able to fit 4 on a baking sheet so I used 2 baking sheets. I recommend using a stopwatch/timer app for the baking soda bath. Serve with your favorite condiments or dips. These go great with beer cheese, or Dijon mustard.

[selfpositiveundertale]

keep fighting

[selfpositiveundertale]

Reblogging because this is important.

Things are really scary right now in the US. Please stay determined. Stay with us. Don't give the people who want us gone, what they want. Cry, grieve, rage, vent, organize, plan and prep, whatever might help you feel a little better or a little more at ease. I know it's hard. But please don't raise a hand to bring harm to yourself. I love you. We can't give up.

I hope none of you disappear in the coming days. Seriously don't do anything that can't be undone.

[selfpositiveundertale]

I wanna share with y'all my favorite video I ever took of Sterling. He wanted MY dinner(iirc it was steak bites and pasta) even though you can clearly see the evidence all over his face that he'd already had HIS dinner, and then this little creature actually JUMPED ON MY PHONE! The little meow at the end when the screen goes black makes me laugh every time, it's just such perfect comedic timing 🥹🥹🥹 he was such a skrunkly messy little baby and he would always go after our food no matter how much he'd already eaten of his own food. I mentioned in a reply on the long post that one time while I was in a video appointment with my therapist and eating soup, he climbed onto my shoulder and dove into the bowl. My therapist just saw him climb, jump, and then a big splash as soup went everywhere 😂😂😂❤️❤️❤️ what a little menace (adoring)

[selfpositiveundertale]

Tbh I have some messages still in my ask box that some of y'all sent during that dark dark time in my life when I had to quit a medication cold turkey and then go to urgent care, I've never published them and I just keep them in my ask box so I can open it and look at them any time I need kind reminders. Thank you all for your kindness. I appreciate it so much and I will read those messages again and again whenever I need to be filled with determination. All the support you've given me helps me to stay determined, and I'm so thankful for it ❤️❤️❤️ Love y'all.

[selfpositiveundertale]

Text reads: Saying goodbye to a beloved pet is extremely painful. Even if they were only in your life a short time, that time was full of love and having it cut short is heartbreaking. Don't try to rush yourself through the grieving and healing process. It's okay if you can't "get on with your life" right away. Do what you can, and be patient with yourself in your time of mourning.

Yeah, I thought of one. It did help a bit.

[selfpositiveundertale]

For some reason the post about Sterling posted twice so I deleted one of them. If you had interacted with the one that's now deleted and are wondering where it went, that's why.

[selfpositiveundertale]

Long sad post. My husband and I are in mourning and it's rough.

It is with a heavy and broken heart I must announce that the other night we had to say goodbye to our kitten Sterling Cowboy. He was named after Sterling Archer from the TV show Archer since my husband loves that show and Cowboy Absher from the podcast Old Gods Of Appalachia since I'm obsessed with it and listen to the stories over and over.

Sterling had something really wrong with his brain and it had suddenly gotten worse despite our best efforts. We rushed him to the ER vet but there wasn't really anything they could do that would let him have a good quality of life even if he could have survived the weekend, so we said goodbye. We are having him cremated and the remains returned to us in a nice wooden box.

My husband and I are both absolutely heartbroken about it. I've seen him cry many times over the 15 years we've been together, but I've never seen him cry as hard as he did over losing Sterling. It really hit him hard, even harder than when his beloved cat he had for 6 years that loved him more than most dogs love their humans passed away. We've spent a lot of time crying into each other's arms since Friday night. We're going to miss our precious little demon kitty baby and all his tiny violence and his pretty brown eyes. We'd never seen a kitty with brown eyes before this wonderful, unique little baby.

He was never even guaranteed to make it past the first day my husband found him, the vet I first took him to wasn't expecting him to last the night with how malnourished and dehydrated he was, not to mention he had a heart murmur, but he had nearly four months of love and comfort and food and safety in our home. He never wanted to bottle feed, which was strange considering he had to be maybe 3 weeks old at the most when my husband found him, he wanted wet food immediately(though we mixed kitten milk replacement into it) and turned out to be a messy eater until he learned how to eat without getting his food all over his face and paws. We had to help him go to the bathroom at first, until he learned to do it on his own, and he figured out the litter box immediately. He grew so much, going from just .4 lbs that first day to 3.5 lbs on the last.

He spent his first and last moments in our lives being held by my husband, in his shirt pocket in the beginning and in his arms swaddled in a towel at the end, and some of his early days being carried around in a crochet pouch around my neck so I wouldn't have to leave him unattended when he was too little to be alone.

We loved that baby so so much and he knew it and he loved us too. Even when he was being rambunctious and chaotic and biting and scratching in his playfulness, he would still be purring and blinking slowly at us, and he loved to be held and cradled like a baby or held in anything resembling a pocket or pouch, such as the hood of a hoodie worn backwards. He would literally climb both me and my husband, latching on with his little claws whether we had clothes on or not, so he could scale our frames because he wanted to be held. We are both scratched up from the neck down as a result of his climbing and playful scratching, but those will heal much quicker than our hearts.

Enjoy some of my favorite pics of him. We will have the last one printed out and put inside the paw print keepsake we were given and it is also my lock screen now on my phone. I'm also considering doing an artist rendition of it and getting it tattooed on me at some point. It's our favorite of all of them, he's just like

ʘ⁠👅ʘ

and it's so precious. We love it. It makes us smile through our tears to see it.

Good vibes, thoughts, prayers, whatever you got, is appreciated. We had such a short time with Sterling but it was so full of love and memories and it hurts so much now that he's gone. If I can think of a meme to make, I'll make one. It might help me feel better if I can do what I've done before and write a kind message of words I need to hear and put them on an image of a beloved character.

Sterling was a feisty fighter from the very beginning up until he couldn't anymore. Even through recovering from malnourishment, the time he sprained his paw, the time he bruised his chest, and the first time his brain issues surfaced and made us rush him to the ER vet, he fought and had so much attitude and spark packed into his little body like dynamite that he recovered every time. But this time he just couldn't.

Stay determined. I'm trying to. It hurts, but I'm trying.

❤️🧡💛💚🩵💙💜🩶🩶🩶