selrachhh

[selrachhh]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

𝑫𝒆𝒂𝒓 𝑨𝒖𝒈𝒖𝒔𝒕,

You message me in August.

I don’t know if you realize it, or if it’s just one of those things the universe does when it wants to play with my heart a little. But every time, it feels like reopening a chapter I swore I’d already closed—gently, softly, without warning. You reached out out of nowhere to congratulate me on graduating—and when you said, “Hala ang galing, graduate ka na, naunahan mo pa ako,” and that you were proud of me, just like that, the years between us didn’t feel so wide.

Having this conversation with you stirred something in me I hadn’t felt in so long. I had forgotten how deeply your words could still affect me. And when you reminded me that we met at 19 and now we’re both 24—so much time has passed, so many versions of ourselves have come and gone. And yet, just hearing those words from you made my eyes heavy in the way they used to, back when your voice felt like the safest place I knew.

Five years flew by just like that—but somehow, you still reach out in August. You told me snippets of your life I no longer knew; and all I could do was nod and smile. Because if I opened my mouth, I probably would’ve said, thank you. Thank you for reaching out. Thank you for easing my heart by letting me know you’re just one final push away from becoming an engineer. I want you to know—I’m still praying. I’m still praying that you become an engineer. I believe in you—always have. You’ve always had this kind of strength I’ve seen in you, even when you didn’t.

And when you asked if we could hang out after all this, it almost made me laugh. Like nothing has changed. Life may have pushed us into different lanes, but my heart still remembers the version of you I once prayed for every night. You asked about me—and yes, I’m working now. One year this August, of course. Somehow, that makes all of this feel like a loop. You, me, our little milestones, always aligning with this strange, symbolic month. Maybe it’s the universe’s reminder that not everything ends. Some things just keep showing up when we least expect them.

You said I’d be good at what I do—that you know my heart—and it meant everything. Even if we only talk once in a blue moon, even if life has taken us both far and fast, you still see me clearly. That’s rare. And real. Oh, and Cessie’s busy with love and life, and maybe we’re all slowly becoming the adults we swore we’d never be. But even as people change, I know I’ll always remember who you were to me.

That brief conversation made me realize something: maybe no one can ever truly keep you, because maybe you were never meant to be kept. And if having you at arm’s length is all I’ll ever get, then so be it. Still, I pray you take care of yourself—especially now, with all the big chapters you’re about to enter. I don’t think my heart will ever be ready for the next version of your life.

But I’ll keep saying this, even if you never ask: reach out. You’ll always have me. I’m one message away —if it’s you.

𝑳𝒖𝒗, 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆

[selrachhh]

CRISPIN

𝑫𝒆𝒂𝒓 𝑨𝒖𝒈𝒖𝒔𝒕,

The world really is small—small enough to make you believe in invisible strings.

Back in senior high school, I had a friend who, as fate would have it, turns out to be the best friend of someone I only met recently through work. His name is Crispin. And ironically, selrachhh is Basilio. A full circle moment, isn’t it?

I never thought I’d grow close to Alex, but I think we were always meant to meet. It feels like destiny—that our paths had to cross so he could remind me of what I’ve lost and, at the same time, what I still have. I’m grateful to call him a friend, and I hope to keep this connection for as long as life allows. Even if we’re no longer working together, I want to be someone who’s always there for him.

Alex is the main character. His story is what keeps me grounded in the moments when I feel like I have no one. And maybe, just maybe, knowing him is another gentle reminder from the universe that I’m still connected to everything I’ve loved—even you.

𝑳𝒖𝒗, 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆

[selrachhh]

MY CESSIE V.

𝑫𝒆𝒂𝒓 𝑨𝒖𝒈𝒖𝒔𝒕 Cessie V,

I just want to take this moment to write you a letter—to look back on everything we've gone through and celebrate all the highlights of our 9-year friendship. Cheers to us, we made it through another year.

2018 was our year. So many raw and wild memories. I’ll treasure them forever. That was the year we started seeing things through a more mature lens—things we once judged or couldn’t imagine doing became perfectly normal. And I’m so glad you were there beside me through all of it. That year, you became more than just my elementary friend of eight fucking years. I don’t even know when it changed—I just woke up one day and realized you are, and always will be, my home. We grew so much that year, slowly expanding our comfort zones, side by side.

Whenever I hit my lowest, you were always the one constant. I used to think, no one can hurt me more than you can, and I gave you that right—because you’ve always had the best of me. They say a good friend knows all your best stories, but a best friend lives them with you. You didn’t just live them—you created them with me. You are my safest place.

I’m so thankful that Rold let us meet in this lifetime, that I get to have a bond like this with a soul like yours. I don’t even know what I’d do without you. Thank you for teaching me all the different kinds of love, and for helping me become a better version of myself. Here's to more raw and wild memories, more impulsive decisions, more drunk crying, more wasted moments—more us.

2019 tested us. That year, “adulthood” hit us like a truck. Priorities shifted. Life reminded us that we’re not kids anymore. But even with all that change, I’m proud to say—we made it.

I’ll never forget how it all came at once: almost losing someone dear to us, graduating SHS (FEU SHS, thank you for the perspective and the chaos), and then—you were leaving Manila. It was weird being far from you. When you left, I felt like I had to pause life. Taft didn’t feel like home anymore. Mayor closed down Taft. Our Local Caven was shutting down because it was too damn close to DLSU. It made me realize—Taft was never really home. You were. You, Aice Villadon, Chrystalle, Vincent Topang—our drunk, chaotic, beautiful moments. Nothing tops that.

This year, I can't count how many times you’ve stressed me out and vice versa—but having you there through every meltdown and messy moment made it all worth remembering. So when you're down, I got you. When you're tired, I got you. When you're fed up with everything—even me—you still got me.

You know I would do anything for you. Thru thick and thin isn’t just a saying with us—we lived it. You have the best of me. I know, in this lifetime, my soul found its twin in you. Thank you for not giving up on me, ever. I’m so damn lucky to have someone like you growing alongside me through every painful and powerful moment of life.

2020 came in like a storm. We were both broken in places we didn’t even know could break. But even in the roughest patches, you never gave up on me. I was so afraid of being a burden, of unloading pain that didn’t belong to you—but you held me anyway. Again and again. I still don’t know how I survived the months we were apart, when I kept everything to myself. But you welcomed me back every time—with open arms, like nothing had changed. That’s love.

Maybe all of this happened to make our friendship stronger—to force us to open ourselves up to new versions of who we’re becoming. Adulting is hard, but we’re doing it. I’m so thankful for the circle that stayed: Jhulrey Peralta, Karylle Bernardo, Shannen Hipolito, Vincent Topang, Aice Villadon—you are my definition of “one call away.”

P.S. Bakit nga ba tuwing lasing na ko tayo may picture?? HAHAHA halos lahat ng memories natin documented sa mga lasing nating moments—iconic behavior honestly.

Luv, love

[selrachhh]

NINANG CESSIE

𝑫𝒆𝒂𝒓 𝑨𝒖𝒈𝒖𝒔𝒕,

This letter is long overdue. One day, I’ll probably tell you all our stories out loud instead of writing them down. Words have always fallen short when it comes to capturing the moments — the real ones, the ones that mattered. But this, this one I wanted to write, because it’s about someone you’ll need to know.

I’ve never written to you about her before — this is the first. There have been scattered lines, fragments of memories, a few sentences here and there, but never the full picture. Because how do you write about someone who became part of your soul?

If there’s one thing I’m sure of, it’s that you’ll grow up knowing how important she is in my life. She is my twin flame, if you will. A kindred spirit. She’ll be called "Ninang Cessie" — because she is family to me. Not by blood, but by bond, and that kind of connection often runs even deeper.

She’ll be one of your kakampi in this beautiful, messy, and often unfair world. And I just know she’ll be one of your favorite ninangs. Not just because I say so, but because she’ll be there — really there — for you, just like she’s always been for me. You’ll love her, August. I already know it.

She saved me in ways I didn’t even realize I needed saving. And maybe, in a way, she saved you too — before you even got here. She was one of the reasons I found the courage to name you August. Maybe that doesn’t make much sense now, but one day, when you’re older, I’ll tell you why. Just know that your mom is a little messy, a little chaotic, and a whole lot of heart — and Ninang Cessie has always been the one to anchor me, to knock some sense into me when I needed it most.

We can’t wait to love you, August. You are already surrounded by people who will fight for you, who will show up, and who will hold you when the world gets heavy.

And Ninang Cessie? She’ll be right there with us.

𝑳𝒖𝒗, 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆

[selrachhh]

RED FLAGS

𝑫𝒆𝒂𝒓 𝑨𝒖𝒈𝒖𝒔𝒕,

I never imagined that my biggest fear this year would be seeing the people that I love for what they really are. That my love for them was the only thing that made them so special. Now, I can’t unsee the little things, the significant things, that made me realize that God truly removed them from my life for a reason. That it was never really meant to be, and in the end, it saved me from an even bigger heartbreak and trauma if I insisted on keeping them around.

Maybe love was right when he said that some people will only be a bridge for me to get to the peace of mind and happiness that I truly deserve. This year made me outgrow my 3 AM "what ifs" because I realized that "what if" will always just be "what ifs" in this lifetime. People come and go for us to have better character development, and I'm thankful for that.

I'm grateful that those people, the ones that tested me this year, showed me how strong I am. I never realized it until I had to personally cut them off from my life. They showed me that there are so many people like them in this world—people who never really wanted to help themselves, who no matter how much you try to help, will still carry so many insecurities that they make you their emotional punching bag. They are abusers in disguise, wanting you to end up just like them. If you ever see a red flag, run, honey. These people don’t want to be saved, and their sorrow and desperation should never be mistaken for a call for help.

I’m learning that not all love is meant to stay, and that sometimes, letting go is the most loving thing you can do for yourself. The path to peace is clearer now, and I’m learning to walk it.

𝑳𝒖𝒗, 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆

[selrachhh]

I'M SORRY

𝑫𝒆𝒂𝒓 𝑨𝒖𝒈𝒖𝒔𝒕,

Ginawa ko naman ang lahat para hindi umabot sa puntong 'yun. Ayoko kasi talagang magising na lang isang araw na hindi ko na siya mahal, alam ko kasi kung gaano 'yun kasakit. Yung okay naman kayo, pero nagising ka na lang isang araw na hindi mo na mahal. Ganito pala siguro 'yung naramdaman mo noon. Ang hirap hirap din pala.

I’m so sorry, August, I finally understand kung bakit. I tried so hard to hold on, to make things work, to prevent this feeling from ever becoming a reality. But sometimes, love just fades, and you’re left trying to figure out how it happened, how the connection that once felt so strong could slowly slip away. I didn't want to experience that heartbreak, yet here I am, feeling the same way you must have felt when you realized we were no longer the same

I’m sorry for everything I couldn’t do, for not fully realizing how much I might have hurt you. Now, I see it, and it’s heartbreaking. Thank you for teaching me the hardest lesson of all.

𝑳𝒖𝒗, 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆.

[selrachhh]

KARMA

𝑫𝒆𝒂𝒓 𝑨𝒖𝒈𝒖𝒔𝒕,

Maybe this really is my karma. I let myself pay for all the shortcomings I had with you. There were so many things I didn't do for us back then, things I wish I could have done differently. I tried to do everything right with the next person I loved, to give them the love and care I thought I had missed out on. But why am I the one who's drained? Why does this hurt so much? What did I do to deserve this kind of pain?

Yes, what happened to us was painful, deeper than I could ever express, but I was only trying to love. I thought that loving would heal all wounds, that I could fix everything by pouring myself out to someone else, someone who would make it right. But instead, here I am, still feeling this hollow ache in my chest.

I wonder if I'll ever understand why things went this way. Maybe the universe is teaching me lessons I’m still too stubborn to learn, but I’m tired of learning through heartache. I wanted nothing but to love you, to be someone who could give you everything. Maybe I was too eager, too naive, but in the end, I’m just left with questions that don’t have answers.

And yet, even in this pain, I still know that love was never the problem. It was never the intention that was wrong. I was just trying to love, and for that, I can never feel sorry.

𝑳𝒖𝒗, 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆

[selrachhh]

IT'S BEEN 5 YEARS ALREADY?

𝑫𝒆𝒂𝒓 𝑨𝒖𝒈𝒖𝒔𝒕,

I have created many excerpts of words that I will never send to you, words that remain locked in my heart. I pray that when I am finally ready to share them with others, they will somehow reach you and remind you that you are loved by me, always and forever.

These words will wait for the day when I can stand tall enough to speak them without the weight of the past pulling me back. But I know, deep down, that as time passes, these letters will not fade—they will only grow in meaning and purpose, waiting for the right moment to be shared with those who need to hear them most.

Until then, they will be mine, quietly holding my feelings, my love, my memories of us.

𝑳𝒖𝒗, 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆.

[selrachhh]

2019

𝑫𝒆𝒂𝒓 𝑨𝒖𝒈𝒖𝒔𝒕,

This year, I’m still mourning the girlhood that was stolen from me in 2019. It feels like I died two times that year—first in October, when I mourned my heart, and then in November, on my actual birthday, when I mourned my soul. I made a deal with the devil himself to bring my heart back to life, and up until now, I’m still paying for it.

I’ve forgiven myself, August. I really have. But I’ll never forgive the person who stole my girlhood, and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to. Until my last breath, and even in my next life, I will curse that sad, manipulative boy. I hope karma takes him by force, just like he did to me.

Sometimes it’s hard to accept that the things I went through were part of the journey. But the girl I used to be and the woman I’m becoming are two separate people, and I’m still learning how to hold space for both.

I wish you knew how much I’ve changed and how much stronger I’ve become since then. I’ve been through hell and back, but I’ve survived, and I’ll keep surviving.

𝑳𝒖𝒗, 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆

[selrachhh]

PROVERBS 4:23

𝑫𝒆𝒂𝒓 𝑨𝒖𝒈𝒖𝒔𝒕 Superman,

It’s been a long time since I’ve thought about you. Funny thing is, I dreamed about you just last week, but it’s been months since you even crossed my mind. I know you’re probably laughing right now because back then, I would always dream about you. Those dreams of us were 16-year-old me’s everything.

It would be an understatement to say I was shocked by what I’ve seen today, but one thing truly struck me: you were the first person who, no matter what you did, said, or even thought, would never be broken or tainted in my eyes. I would always believe in you—not just because you were the first to believe in little old me, but because you’re Charles, the Superman, selrachhh.

I’m sorry if this letter seems dramatic, but writing to you feels so nostalgic. Writing letters isn’t really me anymore, but God, I just know that you would never hurt anyone. You would never raise your hand or do anything to intentionally hurt another person. I don’t care if they tell me it’s been years since I last saw or talked to you; you would never do anything that would hurt someone, especially me, especially my heart and feelings for you.

I’ll probably never write for you again, but dreaming of you last week and then knowing that somebody hates you this much makes me feel blue. You were the first happiness I ever prayed for, and knowing that you’ve gone through this fear hurts me in a way I can’t explain. I don’t pray often nowadays, but when I do, I still pray for your happiness and safety.

I want to tell you so many things, but I feel like you’d be disappointed that I let another man, someone I don’t even see in my future, have so much power over me for the past two years. You’d probably roll your eyes about my feelings for love, and I get it.

Nevertheless, thank you for being my comfort zone back then, for helping me see that the world is much bigger than I ever thought it was. You are my Proverbs 4:23: Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.

𝑳𝒖𝒗, 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆

[selrachhh]

MY RICHARD

𝑫𝒆𝒂𝒓 𝑨𝒖𝒈𝒖𝒔𝒕,

June 28, 2021, four months after I freed myself from that nightmare, I met Ritsard. And the funny thing is, because of him, I can finally see why it didn’t work out, why I had to go through that nightmare, and what this character development was all about. It was worth it, August. I’m not saying this because I love him now, but because in our almost half-year relationship, I never once questioned his intentions. There were no love bombings, no misogynistic or narcissistic acts. He just kept showing me the bare minimum, which I never even got to ask for from the manipulative boys in my past.

His love surprises me in the best way, and sometimes it makes me feel sad for the Ria from 2019-2020. She didn’t deserve the heartbreak she went through, nor did she deserve to sacrifice so much just to avoid repeating that kind of pain.

August, my biggest fear now is that sometimes I have this nagging thought at the back of my mind, but Ritsard always reminds me that I’m in a healthy, happy, and growing relationship. I know that I will always remember him as someone who loved me so genuinely and purely after all that I went through. But even just thinking about waking up one day and realizing that he doesn’t like a part of me and will leave me—it breaks my heart, like the biggest fear of my life.

Richard showed me that I can still love the way I loved in 2019-2020, but in a more mature and better way. I’m doing it right now, and it feels different—healthier and whole.

𝑳𝒖𝒗, 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆 𝘗.𝘴 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘳𝘪𝘴𝘬 𝘵𝘩��𝘵 𝘐 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘸𝘩𝘰𝘭𝘦𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘵𝘦𝘥𝘭𝘺 𝘴𝘢𝘺 𝘪𝘴 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘵𝘩 𝘪𝘵. 𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘬 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘓𝘰𝘳𝘥

[selrachhh]

LUV

𝑫𝒆𝒂𝒓 𝑨𝒖𝒈𝒖𝒔𝒕,

Out of all the boys I’ve loved, writing about Love was the hardest, and I don’t even know why. Despite it being such a short time, the genuine love I had for him was the most beautiful feeling I’ve ever experienced since Selrachhh. I never imagined that love, who wasn’t even my type at first, would become such an unexpected and pure connection. Loving him was refreshing after all the failed Tinder flings and heartaches.

In that short time, he brought out the best in me. And no matter how painful our ending was, he will never be tainted in my eyes. I’ll always be thankful that I met him and that he truly loved me, even if it was just for those brief moments.

Someday, August, when I can no longer come home, I’ll find the courage to share all the lines and paragraphs I’ve accumulated over the past years. I’ll share the playlist I hold so dearly, with everyone and of course, with Love. But for now, I can’t share them. They’re still mine to keep.

𝑳𝒖𝒗, 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆

[selrachhh]

DEMON CHILD

𝑫𝒆𝒂𝒓 𝑨𝒖𝒈𝒖𝒔𝒕,

It’s been half a year since I’ve finally gotten my life back, and I’m so thankful that he wasn’t the one. I know deep down that he knows it too. No words can fully express how grateful I am to be free from that toxic relationship and to have found the strength to break the trauma bond it created.

I will never let him have that power over me again. I will never keep quiet about the trauma and the sacrifices I made just because he wouldn’t grow up and be a man. If there’s one thing I regret, it’s that we all know he was my rebound. I never said it aloud, but there were nights I couldn’t lie to myself, and those were the hardest nights because I knew I was just wasting both of our time.

I can’t put all the blame on him, though. I tolerated all of it, thinking I could make it work because I didn’t want my heart broken again. I told myself he’d never break my heart like you did, but the truth is, he never even had it. I was so fucked up in avoiding pain that I sacrificed my soul, thinking that even if he destroyed it, it would still be nothing compared to the devastation of losing my heart to you.

He had all of me, but we both know he never had my heart. That’s because you never gave it back.

𝑳𝒖𝒗, 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆

[selrachhh]

ANOTHER LIFE

𝑫𝒆𝒂𝒓 𝑨𝒖𝒈𝒖𝒔𝒕,

I hate how we don’t end up together in this universe, in this lifetime, or whatever this is called. I never imagined it would hurt this much. It feels like something inside me has died by not ending up with you.

I hate how, in this lifetime, in this universe, I can’t hold you close. How my happiness was taken away by fate, and I’m left with nothing but this longing. I hate the idea of loving you but knowing I can’t come home to you. I don’t want us to be happy in another life or in some alternate universe far from what we have now.

Why does the universe have to be so unfair to me? Why can’t we have our happy ending here, in this lifetime? Why does it have to be somewhere else? Why does our happiness have to be elsewhere, in another life, in another universe?

𝑳𝒖𝒗, 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆

[selrachhh]

CINDY LOU WHO

𝑫𝒆𝒂𝒓 𝑨𝒖𝒈𝒖𝒔𝒕,

I saw her today, and in that moment, I finally understood why it never worked out between us.

Seeing her made me realize that I didn’t even know you the way I thought I did. If this is who you fell in love with, then there was no way you could ever fall in love with me. It’s a painful truth, but all it took was seeing her to make me wholeheartedly believe that I’m not the girl for you—and that you’re not the guy for me.

Sometimes, the people we think we’re meant to be with turn out to be someone else’s soulmate. And that’s okay. Because I now understand that I was never the one to help you grow or to make you the person you were meant to be.

I hope that one day, when you’re older, you’ll understand that love isn’t always about forcing something that doesn’t fit. Sometimes, we have to let go to find the person who truly complements us. And I’ve made peace with that.

𝑳𝒖𝒗, 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆

[selrachhh]

HEATHER

𝑫𝒆𝒂𝒓 𝑨𝒖𝒈𝒖𝒔𝒕 RIA,

Hello, you may not know me, and he might not even tell you about our moments. I mean, why would he? I’m the girl who made him cry over petty things and demanded too much from what he could give. But I have a favor to ask you, a girl who still has so much love to give to someone who will love him more than I ever could.

Please, don’t make him cry. Don’t make him doubt his worth over a petty fight. Don’t question him too much about his past, because he doesn’t like that. And please, please, don’t give up on him. Don’t make the same mistakes I did that hurt us both in the end.

Stay with him while he’s fighting all his demons. Trust me, it’s just a phase, and he will always come back to you. Please be patient and understanding. Take good care of him, love him the way he deserves to be loved.

I pray that you’ll be a big part of his journey, helping him become the best version of himself. I always pray for his happiness, and if you are the one who makes him happy, then I am at ease. Thank you for being there for him.

—𝒕𝒐 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒈𝒊𝒓𝒍 𝒉𝒆'𝒍𝒍 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆 𝒏𝒆𝒙𝒕

𝑳𝒖𝒗, 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆

P.S. I’m already jealous of you, because I know he will do all the things I wanted him to do for us, with you… he’ll do it without hesitation, and that will break my heart. But that’s okay, because he has you

[selrachhh]

SECOND

𝑫𝒆𝒂𝒓 𝑨𝒖𝒈𝒖𝒔𝒕,

I wish I could remember what it feels like to touch your skin, what your voice sounds like in person. I know that through messenger, it’s distorted, and it’s not the same. I miss it so much.

I wish I could fall asleep with you beside me, feeling the warmth of your presence. But instead, I just wear the clothes you left behind, hoping that, for just a second, I could have you here with me—without the painful reminder that you're leaving.

I carry these moments in my heart, hoping they’ll stay with me until the next time.

𝑳𝒖𝒗, 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆