semiautomaticr

[semiautomaticr]

may 14th, 2025

much has changed!

for starters, i’d gone insane when i first moved here. i was incredibly weary of all familial social dynamics and briefly had the delusion i should get back with my ex…

from years ago…

who has very clearly moved on…

yikes!

i think that came more from a longing for familiarity than anything, but now i’m more settled and the thought has completely escaped me. thank god. i was truly insane.

i hate to remind myself of this but it’s objectively funny — i was trying curry for the first time at my best friends house and overthinking a response to a message i’d seen from them. i started weeping and whisper-screaming into my bowl. as if there were a five minute timer above my head — every five minutes, i’d remember and carry on crying again.

it still bothers me when they haven’t replied… but that’s natural, i think.

upon moving here, i immediately found employment within two weeks and started at a hardware store. they’ve taken lovely care of me and im glad i chose this over the dog kennel or walmart. i think i’d be miserable at either option.

i’m slowly being introduced to more social dynamics at work. a coworker asked about me last night and it was awesome because he was the very first person to *ask about me* there. everyone else settled for chitchat.

i think my mental health has improved greatly from my time in arkansas. other than the odd intrusive thoughts or PSTD-like anxieties, i’m good.

i say PTSD-like because i’m not sure if that’s what you should be calling it. i just know i act irrationally anxiously over things my mother would have killed me for, only to realize my grandpa doesn’t care.

as for my intrusive thoughts, id say they’re almost comically extreme.

i was walking into work and internally whining about the heat when i remembered i hadnt rolled my windows down to let heat seep out. i was annoyed — then distraught! i wonder if i’ve left my newborn puppy in the hot car!

1. i do not have a puppy — much less a newborn one.

2. why would i have brought it to work? what?

3. i haven’t interacted with newborn puppies in so long. i have no puppy to worry for.

niko thinks this is hilarious. i do too.

its nice for my intrusive thoughts to be so powerless to me. it’s freedom.

i’ve been into hetalia lately. and i honestly fear to mention it in the diary because i worry someone scrolling through the hetalia tag could happen upon this.

if they do, oh well. im 20 and single if youre down.

im hardly joking, too. i’m very bored romantically.

regardless, i’m into hetalia now. i was weary at first but i figure as long as i’m not making broad statements and assumptions about people of other cultures based on a comedy anime from the late 2000’s, i’m probably doing just fine. it’s a good anime as long as you recognize it’s not meant to be a completely serious take on the world’s events. it’s about as harmful as clone high and hamilton:the musical. it’s entertainment more than it is reality.

i like france and england and russia the best, right now. poland is close behind and even closer if its lithuania and poland together.

i drew china as well but it came out ugly. i’d post it but i mentioned hetalia enough times that someone from the fandom might see this post and i dont want them to see my ugly art. i’ll post a cute one instead.

little italia. so cute. wow.

when i was in my camera roll i was reminded that peter’s birthday dinner was awesome. i was the only one who showed up with a gift and i’m starting to wonder if my dad’s side of the family just doesn’t so that.

i think the dinner is the gift.

regardless, i got him a mousepad of a cat with sunglasses and he loved it enough that he uses it at his work desk. success!

this was dinner. i hated their spicy tuna roll because i expected a firmer texture and it was severely minced. paste. peter agreed and i think he shared the sentiment LOL

my aunt had them and thanked me for sharing. which was sweet, but i think it’s because ash said no to sharing the cucumber salad with her.

the miso was bomb. love this place and need to take niko some day.

i have fanexpo coming up! i’d better remember to document it here at least a little if i plan on having good memory of it.

other than that, my gen psych ended (with a B… okay!) and i have summer classes revving up soon. woohoo. so fun.

im glad my degree will advance, though. i need it.

other than that…? life’s good. i have a five hour shift tonight and i cleaned pretty well last night so in theory i *should* be able to relax… maybe… hopefully…

we’ll see.

i think im gonna make potstickers before i go. and a little vegetable salad. i need one because i’m dehydrated af!

i need to tidy my room so i can hangout on thursday and be at peace.

anyways —- let me go find out my tags for this one?

[semiautomaticr]

march 2nd 2025

yesterday i had songs stuck in my head that i can’t remember today.

it’s three days until i move and i’m feeling weird. not necessarily bad, but weird. i kind of wonder if i have an eating disorder thing going on or if a lack of appetite is due to the weirdness in my life. or if im just being conscious of what im eating and i know that that can become an eating disorder. i don’t think i actually do. i think it’s a red herring.

i woke up this morning and felt weird. i don’t have a word for it and i don’t know the source, so of course i decided i finally need to get back into journaling.

im redownloading emmo but if that doesn’t have my progress saved i dont want it.

my scalp kind of itches but i think its just dehydrated. if my hair oil isnt packed away forever, i’l hair oil my scalp. i watched a lot of tiktoks on what brands to buy. i settled on this one because of the benefits.

someone said it’s ideal for low porosity hair and lightweight. just what i need i think.

catching up

if you aren’t caught up (or rather, remembering. after all, this diary is for me) i think the best place to start is with jake. he is still actively looking for ways to be in the same space as me. his most recent stunt was trying to join UNITY knowing damn well im the president of that club. cj told us, god bless cj.

cj and i have actually been connecting a lot more. it’s unfortunate that its only now that we are but that just must be how life goes.

i feel i should mention rachel, but i don’t know how i could possibly forget. if you have, let me enlighten you.

rachel decided that gossiping with jake about my whereabouts and private vents was much more important than being loyal to her cousin and best friend of three years.

i think she has feelings for him.

i keep hoping all these horrible things happen to her and i don’t think im mature enough yet for it to feel unproductive. i know that the best revenge would be success, but i don’t have that yet,. so right now thinking about her car breaking down or crushing medical debt or pregnancy that dooms her career as a young woman is all ive got.

the last time we talked was a phone call that ended in her trying to call me childish and immature and incapable of handling my own problems because i reported jake for furthering contact with me after asking for a no-contact order through our college. i think she must have feelings for him or crave his validation. yikes.

sophia also ended up being a major tank. i tried to talk to her about how i felt and it was poorly timed. unintentionally, but still poorly timed. jake very coincidentally left gcs after that message was sent. i wonder why.

today

of course, this is all past tense. all of this is stuff that happened yesterday and backwards. i want my life to be about right now, so lets talk about right now.

right now i have two days before i move. today i am taking my midterm, cleaning my room, making a physical paper list of my things and where theyre at, and letting myself feel weird. i think ill halfways clean my car too if i get ambitious. i probably will.

my midterm is so stupid, too. not because general psychology is stupid, but because of the professor. i hate this guy.

“no plagiarism, but ai is fine” ??? are you serious?? ai is a plagiarism machine?? stupid. stupid, stupid, stupid.

that being said, if i don’t recognize a term, i will be using the internet. i don’t really care about the class anymore for a handful of reasons but im sure ill be dropping it soon. i hate it here!

i need to get up and take it, though. i think ill make a snack and put my shrimp out to defrost.

then hair oil. increasing dryness as ive been writing this.

then after my midterm my room needs to be cleaned. then i need to take inventory of my things im moving with. then i need to check indeed. hopefully my shrimp are ready by indeed’oclock.

if not, i dunno. clean my car, maybe? didn’t i have a list earlier in the entry?

(scrolled to look) (i was right)

ill clean my car, i guess!

i need to get my paws on a carabiner desperately, though. i really want one + it’s way more convenient.

i also hope niko can play minecraft today because i miss him LOL

anyways. if i think of anything more, i’ll use the edit feature.

thats all for now.