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maybe a first time mom thing but I feel like my toddler’s memory is so good ??! I tell him one thing and he remembers it the next day (songs will stick to him FOREVER). husband bought him a small playground set for the yard and while he was playing a jet was flying overhead. husband jokingly said “that’s superman!” next day I brought him backyard to play again and he looks up and goes “Superman?” I’m just like yo your brain works like that now? you really remember stuff we say? 😭

in other words, we have to be extra careful of what we say and what’s on tv 😆

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2 weeks later: he's starting to ACTUALLY sing. on his own. when i was in the kitchen i heard him singing twinkle twinkle little star (of course he pronounces it as "twinkuh twinkuh littuh stah") 🥺

feels like my toddler has a sudden language explosion. he’s still babbling tons, but he is starting to communicate his wants or needs more which helps a lot. like tonight he was eating spaghetti then when he was almost done he went, “mommy. nomnom (eat). apple.” we didn’t have apples but he had some grapes earlier and figured he wanted some fruit. when I cut up the grapes and showed him he said “yeah yeah yeah”. then when he finished his grapes he looked at me and went “grapes” so I gave him a little more 🥹

he also can fill in the blanks when I’m singing his favorite nursery songs, and even the doxology 😂

babies are so much smarter than we think for real.

also, where did the time go? 😭

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I forget how kind of a community tumblr is sometimes, thanks all for your comments and prayers! it’s helping my first time mom anxiety 😆

my poor bub got little rashes on him that spread so quickly, I called the nurse hotline and they said it might be molluscum 🥲 which is basically contagious rashes looking thing, not really itchy, but can last super long, like months

he doesn’t seem uncomfortable or anything, but I’m still so anxious about it 🥲 I’d really appreciate your prayers (that the rashes stop spreading, and it starts healing 🙏🏼)

thanks yall 🫶🏼

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feels like my toddler has a sudden language explosion. he’s still babbling tons, but he is starting to communicate his wants or needs more which helps a lot. like tonight he was eating spaghetti then when he was almost done he went, “mommy. nomnom (eat). apple.” we didn’t have apples but he had some grapes earlier and figured he wanted some fruit. when I cut up the grapes and showed him he said “yeah yeah yeah”. then when he finished his grapes he looked at me and went “grapes” so I gave him a little more 🥹

he also can fill in the blanks when I’m singing his favorite nursery songs, and even the doxology 😂

babies are so much smarter than we think for real.

also, where did the time go? 😭

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I am not immune to overpriced beverages

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my poor bub got little rashes on him that spread so quickly, I called the nurse hotline and they said it might be molluscum 🥲 which is basically contagious rashes looking thing, not really itchy, but can last super long, like months

he doesn’t seem uncomfortable or anything, but I’m still so anxious about it 🥲 I’d really appreciate your prayers (that the rashes stop spreading, and it starts healing 🙏🏼)

thanks yall 🫶🏼

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I'm officially a US citizen!

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tumblr is not social media. idk how to explain but its so calm here. like this is the field and the valleys. over there is the town and people. but here we are little sheep in our pastures eating our grass and laying in the sun <3

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That one mutual who likes all your personal posts

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just adding an update as a sort of encouragement because i wrote this post while i was in the dumps:

God has very certainly dismantled these ideas of discontentment and emphasized that this is actually, yes, discontentment. while I will not discount the challenges of the current season i'm in, because yes it can be very difficult and sometimes feels isolating, most of it is still rooted in discontent (there has to be more. why can't i have what i long for? but all this wanting, desiring, yearning was misplaced).

God is the sovereign. He has ordained every single detail in my life, down to the most minute circumstance. He is Lord. my job is to bow my knee and obey. and this is not oppressive, in fact, this is freedom. to chase after my own heart's longings and yearnings will only lead me to even deeper anguish. i know that, i've lived it. but worshiping the true King and obeying His voice leads to life.

He is not a strict Father who delights in bringing suffering to His children. He is good and perfect in all His ways, even if we cannot comprehend most of them (just like how a 1 year old cannot comprehend why he can't eat dirt. but it looks so interesting! why are you stopping me from eating dirt? cue crying and thrashing). He stoops down to our level, meets us where we're at, and speaks to us in a language we can understand. His ears are attentive to His children's cries.

now that I'm a parent, that truth has become all the more real to me. i know my child's cry, and my ears perk up right away when i hear it, and my whole being jumps to attend to his wailing. so is the Lord with His children. if i, a sinful human, have such attention and care for my own child, how much more does the Most High care for His own? our love for our children is nothing but a shadow of His love for us.

He is kind and perfect. and He is our Father. He works all things together for our good and His glory. what a great assurance that is.

it's getting lonely again. i keep trying to reassure myself it's all in my head, but i keep revisiting the past and yearning, yearning, yearning. what do i do with all this desire?

on one hand, i love the life i have now and the people in it. on the other, i miss everything that once was. the everything before all this. i miss the rawness of my friendships, how i took a cab ride to see my friend one evening because she was having dark thoughts. how i saw another have a meltdown and our pastor let us have some quiet in his car after sunday service, making jokes to make light of the heavy things.

i mean, i don't wish suffering on my friends, i just miss the feeling of vulnerability, i guess. to go past the niceties. past the "what did you guys do last weekend?" now it's a little harder to sit down and bare our souls when our eyes distractedly dart all across the room watching our toddlers and our schedules are dictated by nap times.

sometimes i just sit in the bathroom floor and let it consume me. then i stand up, wash my face, and put a happy smile on for my baby. it's not all that bad, really. i'm not calling my friendships now vapid or anything, we just don't have time, i guess. and i have too much going on in my head.

i have to rebuke myself when i have thoughts that go: this isn't fair. how can most people i love be thousands of miles away? i'm raising my family without my family. or when i get pangs of jealousy at (my husband's side of the) family's parties, like wow, how nice it must be to not have to leave your country and just have everyone you've ever known and loved conveniently in one place.

i have to remind myself God put me here. He orchestrated this situation specifically, down to the minute detail. i'm not going to shake my finger in His face and say, no, this is wrong. You messed up. thinking about that sends shivers down my spine, but isn't that technically what we do when we're discontent?

but the ache! the longing! the yearning! all of it. all at once. over and over and over again.

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always glad to be reminded that it wasn’t my choice. if it were up to just me, I would never have wanted Christ. but God, in His mercy, calls us, sustains us, and He will keep us. not because we chose Him, but because He chose us. 🥹

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finally gonna be a US citizen on May 2 🥲 the perks I’m v excited about are getting a US passport because it’s easier to travel and I can be with my husband all the time at the airport (no more being separated at foreign/US queues) AND I can petition my parents to live here (if they want)

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i wish i could contribute more to society! i’m not talking about a 9-5 job, or a brilliant invention, or sending rockets to the moon. i’m talking about neighborhood bake sales and fundraisers and picking up trash at the local park and doing little good things to help make the world around me a better place. no sir i cannot solve world hunger but i sure can feed my neighbors a casserole if they need it. 

we don’t have to bleed ourselves to contribute to society. for the average man, little good things are a great starting point, or even enough.

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