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Day 2

of wanting to fucking kill myself

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I can’t handle my mom. I love her but she’s so back and forth with me. She’s either really sweet and lovey or treats me like shit and makes me wish I weren’t alive. It’s honestly a coin flip of what I’m gonna walk into at my house

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Hep

My brain won’t shut up

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Yo

I really wanna love someone and be loved right now. I want someone that I can give all my love to. I kind of feel like crying about it.

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Woah

Three different songs from our playlist played at work and I was very not okay. I almost started crying.

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Daddy Issues

i’m never drinking

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W O W

Thanks brain

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.

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I’m just torturing myself

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Fuck

I miss being in love so much. I just want to love a girl and have her love me back. My heart hurts.

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Here we go again

Mental Health

We haven’t been doing great. Getting ourselves to do anything has been a struggle. Some days I can’t even get up to wash my face or brush my teeth. If I don’t have work or plans with Emily I don’t really do anything but lay for hours on my phone in silence. For a while cleaning was helping me clear my head but now I just have no motivation. I don’t really feel much anymore. Mainly sadness or emptiness; like I’m just a shell of a person and not me. But if I’m being honest I don’t even know who I am. We’re not opening that box though. I don’t really feel happiness except for little spurts of joy here or there; and just as fast as I feel it, it’s gone. Sometimes the only thing that can really get me to feel anything is music. Not any specific emotion just something rather than the numbness I’m so used to. I talked things out a little bit last night but had the thought of never getting better. I always had some sliver of hope that maybe one day I’ll get better, “fixed” in some way, and won’t have to live with this crippling mental disorder but maybe that just isn’t in the cards for me. I’m always going to be depressed, I’m always going to make myself have panic/anxiety attacks, and I’m always going to have an eating disorder that controls my entire life.

Eating

We’ve been bingeing again and I have no control over it. Usually I can tell my brain to stop and I’ll listen but now I can’t even push that thought through. I’m never aware when I binge it’s just been eating to the point of feeling like I’ll throw up and I know I won’t; purging is one thing my body will not allow me to pick up again because I can’t stand the feeling of throwing up. But sometimes I do miss the feeling of how I felt after. Feeling like I fixed what I had done wrong. Feeling some sort of control after the monster in my brain took over. I don’t miss the burning sensation I would experience in my throat every time I decided to try and force myself to throw up. My brain has been yelling at me for the past hour that we’re probably not going to be eating for as long as we can handle it to make up for the bingeing so we’ll see if it actually follows through. I used to be so much better at controlling it but now, not so much. I wish I could get myself to eat healthy again but all my body craves is junk and I always give in to the cravings. I haven’t stepped on the scale or thought about what my weight may be for awhile I just think about how awful I feel mentally and physically. I feel like my body dysmorphia is getting worse. I can’t look in the mirror or take pictures ever unless it’s like an egg selfie to send to someone who snapchats me. I can’t look at my face. If I stood in front of my mirror and looked at my entire body I’d probably get myself to cry because I’m so hypersensitive about what I look like. I have no perception of what I look like. I have no idea how big I really am. I have an idea in my head but I’m told it’s inaccurate. When Emily tried to explain what my body size was I honestly didn’t believe her. I feel like I’ll never really know what I do look like and I’m always going to have a fear of people seeing my body.

Work

Dutch-

Dutch is fine. I’m glad I’m moving to Higley soon. There’s gonna be people I miss and people I won’t. I’m gonna miss Gianni so much. I will not miss Richie. It makes me sad I know I can never be a shift lead and if there’s not gonna be growth for me in the company then what is the point. I feel like I’m just gonna transition into working at Starboard if it’ll pay better and I’ll get more hours. Wow that’s sad. Giving up a job I enjoy just because it can’t provide enough for me and instead doing a job I don’t have any sort of passion for because it could pay better.

Starboard-

Hasn’t even started yet and is already stressing me out. I have little to no information about what the job is and pay and it’s just a lot. I’m telling myself it’ll be fine. I haven’t really thought about it too much because it doesn’t feel real yet, but then again nothing in my life ever feels real. I’m gonna have a cubicle. That’ll be interesting. It’ll be weird working with my mom. I think it’s cool Emily and I will work together but also I feel like we’ll both be too focused on work to focus on ourselves and I wanna be able to check on her to make sure she’s doing okay. Hopefully it’ll all work out.

School

Haven’t gone in awhile. Told my parents finals week is over. Don’t plan on going back for awhile. I need time away from school. I can’t mentally handle classes and I can’t physically get myself to go to them. I honestly just want to throw myself into work so I can save up enough money to move out.

Emily

I am so so so insanely grateful to have her in my life. She’s someone I could turn to with anything and she just knows what I need. She is the person I can relate and match most to; she’s my person. Her and I have been going through a lot individually and I just want us to be okay. All the shit life has put her through, I really hope it takes it easy on her soon. She deserves a wonderful future and I hope I can be along for the ride. On days where I don’t feel like me or even a person she’s there for me in any way she can be. Whether it’s sending me a funny picture or reminding me I’m important or hanging out with me and dancing in the car; she helps. We could be doing utter nonsense and it would put me in a better mood. I feel I’m my happiest when I’m around her and I’m just so thankful to have her as my best friend. I hope I can bring as much joy, or at least positive memories, in her life as she has to mine.

Family

I can’t tell my family anything without being fearful of their reactions. I feel like my mom wants me to move out as soon as possible. Not like kicking me out but starting to give me slight pushes. I kind of feel like I don’t matter. I’m here to be the person that everyone can joke about and tease but also use as their emotional support child. Then turn around and use me as their punching bag. My family is just a mess. I guess it could be a lot worse though.

Kenzie

We’re not okay and I don’t know what to do to fix us. A part of my brain remembers how awful the bad times were and just wants to give up and not even try anymore. Then there’s the part of me that wants the friendship to work so so badly. We should both be benefiting from our friendship and I feel like neither of us our. For so long I was the only one making an effort and since it wasn’t reciprocated until recently I don’t even feel like trying anymore. I don’t know I want her and I to be okay. We just can’t communicate with each other which sucks. I don’t know if she’s afraid of confrontation or what but if we don’t talk things through it’s only going to get worse. I feel like things are already going to get worse since she’s about to leave for tour.

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Wow

reading through this is super fucking sad

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Dreams

Mainly nightmares but there’s still some that slip through of me doing something and then feeling extremely guilty. This is so stupid. I’m so stupid.

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Listen

I just hate myself. So much.

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Woah

Talking about things at work tonight with someone who took genuine interest in my well being was weird. None of my coworkers have ever done that. He wanted to make sure I was okay and asked questions and just wow someone cared about me at my work. He’ll be working with me at Higley when I transfer so that’s exciting. Emily and I had a deep talk and made me realize how bad my mental health is getting but I’m just gonna continue living on not being able to recall anything or feel anything cause that’s easier than stepping back and analyzing everything wrong right now. Also body dysmorphia. You’re a bitch. Also shopping for clothes is stupid. My head hurts. I hope you’re okay. I just want you to be okay.

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Ouch

Tonight was hard. Getting to see people was nice. I love getting to see Emma and Logan. I’m excited they’re graduating. Seeing Nicole and Izzie feels normal now since we see each other so much. Being with Mollie and Emily all night was refreshing and I’m glad they got to see each other cause I know they don’t get to enough. They were pretty good distractions. I didn’t get to see Tanner and Victor though, I hope they’re okay. Seeing Brian and Denise was weird cause they hugged me and I think they just did it cause like we’re all sad I know it’s not cause they care at all about me. The person who honestly made an impact on me the most tonight was Sophie. I haven’t seen her since I was still in guard. She asked me how I was doing and I sighed and said I’m okay and she, without hesitation, said no you’re not and I was like wow you’re right thank you for being the first person to say something and call me out. She let me vent to her about things and how I haven’t been coping properly and she said to reach out if I ever needed anything and I felt like she genuinely meant it. Not just how people say it to say it. She also introduced me to her girlfriend and she was really sweet. They’re really cute together and I’m happy she’s in a healthy relationship because she’s dealt with some pooheads. Seeing you is always hard. Constantly checking my location all night so I know how far away we are cause I just can’t handle seeing you at all right now. Being on the floor was a lot. One of the twins kept starring at me. Austin came and talked to me while I was talking to Logan but I didn’t let him get near me or hug me cause I just no. Having to pretend I don’t see you while walking around or not hear your laugh is really hard. It literally feels like someone is taking my heart and squeezing it as hard as they possibly can. It fucking sucks. I just want to be at the we’re okay part already but. Idk. Big part is like I need space but another part is just like run back run back run back. I know which side to listen to. I need my heart not to be stupid.

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I’m unwell, thanks for asking

I just can’t do anything anymore I AHHHHH FUCK I just want to be fucking okay and I can’t and I’m so mad at myself for it why can’t I just be okay. I get if I’m not allowed to feel happy but can I please feel something that doesn’t disappear in less than 30 seconds. I just hate myself so much right now I don’t know where all of this is coming from but oh my god.