sendingicebergs

[sendingicebergs]

One Day I won't kill myself.

April Fools.

[sendingicebergs]

And what do we do when someone is brought back to life from their suicide, attempts multiple more times until they become permanently disabled and can no longer no mouth and must scream themself into oblivion and then gets terminal cancer with under a year to live?

That's right, we drink and further define the word father and wonder to yourself what kind of father you'd be and wonder what kind of person it makes you as someone who called the hospital every night for updates and found yourself unable in time to really have anything to say to him as you've been unable to speak to him for about two years in fear of rage and causing another attempt.

Cheers.

[sendingicebergs]

Better stone than skull, better myself than anyone else.

[sendingicebergs]

7.31.24

Bleed bastard bleed.

I don't even wait to see the blood.

I wrap the gauze around the force of my disgust

Writing with a pen that's out of ink

bandages before blood

consequence and causality

what's yet to be

will always exist anyway

what comes from inside

will always be without a home once let go

I spill my blood before bed

wake in the morning

clean fabric died red

born in the wrong body

cosmic joke

held to my anatomy anyway

a destroyer wanting to turn creator

failure after failure

dismantle the self.

[sendingicebergs]

7.31.24

Steak knife vs arm.

A walking corpse

moving towards nothing

lovers turned loveless

relentless asking

what do I want

I wanted to have had the courage

to not age past twelve years old.

I watch one side of my blood

survive cancer

like most of them did the first time

before the second time took them

I watch the other side

succumb to oblivion

opiates, alcohol, depression, suicide

I stand as the perfect bloodline bastard

to kill myself with the most cancer undiagnosed inside of me.

I'm going to sleep

instead of killing myself

but I'm thirty-three not twelve

so I go to the drug store

and buy some gauze

before I bleed myself tame

I know the genocide

and the finely woven silk

made to heal wounds

I know the guilt of giving up

when there's those who would give everything to stop bleeding

[sendingicebergs]

It was my birthday two days ago.

[sendingicebergs]

It's so crazy that people can blackout drink and then just wake up the next day as if they didn't shit the heaviest hate you could imagine and you're the only one who gets to live with the damage.

[sendingicebergs]

Something about someone in my family bar celebrating becoming cancer free.

Something about my brain turning the family tree into a lynching.

On one side is cancer. Chest, stomach.

On the other side is addiction, suicide.

Me in the middle

Like linked chains repeating itself forever

ouroboros

Around my neck

Locked and sealed

A future self death

Full of self poison

Rejected at birth

Rejected self forever

And it continues to chew itself alive.

[sendingicebergs]

One Day I won't kill myself.

April Fools.

[sendingicebergs]

12.29.23 If talking about it helped at all I would never shut the fuck up

I would tell everyone about her weak body falling apart in three days

the way her paws crossed and struggled to walk straight how her eyes were confused the entire time with the fatigue she felt winning out against the memory of who she always was.

I'd tell you how much it hurt when she kept getting up painfully uncurling from my chest to lay further away from me and just stare at me wanting to know I was there

I'd tell you about the nurse who looked at me and somehow thought I've never been around death and talked too much the entire time who stood in the way of my privacy and grief

I'd tell you how the tears felt like blood from an open wound the way I couldn't do anything to stop them and they just spilled from me drop by drop

I’d tell you how scared I am to hold anyone now to touch anyone living the way her weight felt in my arms when she was gone how I knew better that air escapes muscles spasms but I still jumped with hope she someone was still alive

I'd ask you how many times can someone hold death and still be okay holding the living? I'd ask you if it's okay to wait until I fall asleep first so I won't think you're dead next to me

If talking helped at all I'd tell you about the suicide how he took the gun from his wife's car that he made her keep there for her protection in case of an emergency and drove off to shoot himself in the heart and crash the car into a ditch

I'd ask you if God is so great what's so good about making men unable to wait to meet them? Where's the good in salvation that you can't wait any longer for? I'd demand answers on why God made so many people in my family take their own life.

I'd ask you if you've read Death of A Salesman I'd ask you how much grief do you think the wife felt having the gun she never wanted or asked for having not seen in coming living the rest of her life with that oversight.

If talking helped at all I'd ask why the ones with the most love for life always die young why my school reunions are just funerals where I don't recognize anyone anymore except the dead.

If talking helped at all you’d know my silence as the chasm it is the childhood friend who spent more time growing than aging. the family tree that only withers or holds nooses the heartbeat I held until it was only a heart

[sendingicebergs]

A weekend.

[sendingicebergs]

Dumb as rocks. Still smashed by rocks. Dumb as rocks. Still smashed by rocks. Dumb as rocks. Still smashed by rocks. Dumb as rocks. Still smashed by rocks. Dumb as rocks. Still smashed by rocks. Dumb as rocks. Still smashed by rocks. Dumb as rocks. Still smashed by rocks. Dumb as rocks. Still smashed by rocks. Dumb as rocks. Still smashed by rocks. Dumb as rocks. Still smashed by rocks. Dumb as rocks. Still smashed by rocks. Dumb as rocks. Still smashed by rocks. Dumb as rocks. Still smashed by rocks. Dumb as rocks. Still smashed by rocks. Dumb as rocks. Still smashed by rocks. Dumb as rocks. Still smashed by rocks. Dumb as rocks. Still smashed by rocks. Dumb as rocks. Still smashed by rocks. Dumb as rocks. Still smashed by rocks. Dumb as rocks. Still smashed by rocks. Dumb as rocks. Still smashed by rocks. Dumb as rocks. Still smashed by rocks. Dumb as rocks. Still smashed by rocks. Dumb as rocks. Still smashed by rocks. Dumb as rocks. Still smashed by rocks.

[sendingicebergs]

11/1/23 The good news is if I killed myself right now you would already know enough about me

I read a poem I wrote in 2018 that already said how I feel

death and rebirth death and dying again over and over again

I probably already loved you in someone else's body right place right time wrong body

I am a mother fucker and a bridge builder specializing in burnt down homes, pasts, people, bridges. I'll take you where you want to go but I won't go with you

leave me alone to break and then complain about being broken

one hundred and some thirty odd bodies kissed, fucked, loved

never once did learn how to give or take any of that for myself

I have a vivid memory of the past as a blur of hip thrusts sweat and climaxes spent on people who are strangers now

but drew anchors into oceans turned soft hands into clenching fists cannibalized peace into pleading

tonight when I left a new face said they loved me instead of goodbye and I spat it back as if it was what I was going to say

I give and gave this world all the love I keep from myself

[sendingicebergs]

Dumb as rocks. Still smashed by rocks.

[sendingicebergs]

Weird.

[sendingicebergs]

One Day I won't kill myself.

April Fools.

[sendingicebergs]

Absolutely on the hunt for something I liked in like 2008. Coming across all the people I use to talk to. Wild ride.