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Please remember this St Valentine's day to celebrate all of Ol Val's patronages: Bees and Beekeepers, The Isle of Lesbos, people with epilepsy, people who really don't want to faint, and, of course, plague.

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mercury is in reverse cowgirl again

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Toddler accidentally cursed himself into an identity crisis today.

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bugs bunny taught me that murder is okay if you’ve been inconvenienced in any way

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Weird peeve time. Calling lab grown gemstones “fake” is stupid because it’s the same shit just not formed naturally. An artificially grown diamond is the same shit as a natural diamond it is the exact same material bro it’s all fuckign carbon

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The Unapologetic Self as the Truest form of Self

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Working in food service is so surreal because like... nothing I do for people is anywhere close to life and death, but some customers absolutely act as though it is. I look a woman dead in the eye and solemnly inform her that unfortunately we are out of oat milk, and I see her heart shatter in front of me, right there at the bakery counter at 8 in the morning. I feel like a handsome TV surgeon informing someone that their beloved fiancée died on the table. He’s gone... I’m so sorry. We lost him. We are out of oat milk

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Me meeting a genie: Okay, so my first wish is for 1000 dollars a day, deposited to my bank account without any way of tracing it to anything illegal. I want this money to come from the ten richest people in America (100 dollars each), withdrawn under the guise of nebulous, random purchases and surcharges. It would probably be best to split the money into a myriad of smaller fees, though, to reduce the likelihood of anyone noticing. Got all that?

Genie: um

Me, continuing on without a care: For my SECOND wish, I want you to give me the ability to learn any given phoneme, so that I can learn to pronounce new languages perfectly. If you're willing, it'd be nice if it were a little easier to memorize new languages too, but if that's not cool, I'm perfectly fine doing all the legwork myself I mostly just want to be capable of pronouncing things correctly.

Genie, now staring at me like I'm insane: ......okaaayyy?....

Me: For my third wish. I want to always have great ideas for gifts for people. Every birthday, every holiday, I want to be able to come up with something they'd really like, with enough time to actually get it for them.

Genie, just staring at me

Me: I can provide you with a written document if that would help.

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Light In The Darkness by Chloe Amy Avery by mtlgrems

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Move your feet please (x)

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Fighting tips by the one and only, Jackie Chan (x)(x)

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victor frankenstein, sweaty and sickly: please fuck off. please fuck off. please fuck off.

his reanimated corpse son:

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maybe you should kiss a cat on its tiny little head then you'll feel better

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Pitch: a muppet movie where the muppets play D&D, and it cuts between the muppets around the table and the fantasy being acted out, but instead of it just being the muppets dressed up in D&D fantasy costume, it's celebrity actors but the muppets do the voices, and the actors have to act how those muppets would. Imagine a barbarian played by Jason Mamoa voiced by Miss Piggy.