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Killer’s Ultimate Guide to Breaking into Your Enemy’s AU (By Sheer Luck)

Words: 2543

Summary: A one-shot in which Killer runs a fruit stand and Nightmare wants to find a way into the AU Dream stays in.

Additional: not canon compliant. no killermare or kreme directly but i don't mind if viewed as such. dream is sick and tired of nightmare and killers antics. no ai usage allowed.

note: this is the first thing ive written in over two years T_T.. i will probably get better again over time, right? it was mainly dialogue testing, so the pacing is off, lol

"This is a stupid idea.”

Killer dismissed the sulking skeleton sitting beside him, the apron tied over his hoodie flowing in the summer breeze. The sun shone down onto the stall the pair were under, the roof protecting them from its harsh rays as Killer swatted flies away from his precious boxes of fruit; he'd only suggested such an idea out of boredom, but much to his surprise Nightmare had briskly agreed to it.

“Aw, you don't like manual labour?” He teased, looking over his shoulder at his boss who responded with an unkind glare. “But you have us doing it all the time, I figured it would be your favourite thing.”

“You're doing Horror's patrols for the next two weeks.” He stated bluntly, taking a bite from one of the apples in the nearby boxes.

Killer chuckled, catching a fly in his hand as he turned back to the crowd in front of his stall. “Hopin’ that's gonna give you a boost of energy to be able to get one up on Dream?” He paused momentarily, inspecting the writhing bug between his fingertips before squeezing them together. “Sure worked last time, huh?”

“Three weeks, Killer,” he growled, covering his face with a dripping tendril as one of the onlookers snapped a photo of the pair.

Killer huffed, sitting down on one of the deck chairs he'd brought for the setup. A fruit stall, that was his ingenious idea that — somehow — had drawn Nightmare in more than it had their actual target. He would be allowed to set up a stall in an actively passive AU and Dream would undoubtedly show up upon it eventually being reported back to him, chaos would ensue and somehow, Killer wasn't exactly aware of how, this would give Nightmare a chance to sneak into Dream's AU.

“He's sure takin’ a long while, huh..” he muttered, hearing Nightmare groan from beside him.

Killer didn't actually care about whatever it was that Nightmare was secretly planning, he just wanted to run a fruit stand, and it was thanks to this stroke of genius he actually had the chance to lounge about all day in a green and white tent with his boss at a cash register ready to do what was likely his first and last day of manual labour.

“The one time I want him to show up,” he paused, resting his head against his palm, “and he's off playing fairytale with Ink and Blue.”

He jolted as a hand grasped his shoulder, Killer's expression of fake sympathy bearing through him. “Aw, maybe next time you'll plan ahead and have Error distract the lil' guy instead,” he cooed, tapping his shoulder lightly.

“Gah–!” He yelped, body hitting the floor faster than he could react as he looked up at Nightmare in amusement. “You wanna act like that? Go ahead, cause a scene if ya want, you'll just get your ass handed to you by your own brother.” He stood, hand gripped on the table in front of him as he rubbed his newly damaged leg. “Again,” he quietly added.

His gaze remained fixed ahead to the crowd as Nightmare shot up, slamming his hands on the wooden table as he took a shaky breath.

“Killer.” He hissed, tapping his fingers over the wood. “For the sake of this plan, and only for this plan, I am going to leave you alone until I know I am capable of looking at you without slamming your head so far into the concrete they'd have to form a new measurement system for earthquakes.”

Killer nodded, Nightmare's raspy warning having been heard loud and clear.

“Thank you for telling me, boss, communication is-”

“Killer,” he interrupted, “don't.”

He offered another nod, watching Nightmare dissipate into a puddle out of his peripheral vision.

He sighed, hand pressing into the table as he stretched his leg, using his other hand to pick out the small pieces of wood that shot into the bone from Nightmare’s impact. Another day of rest would be in order to fix the damage, a punishment both he and Nightmare knew was worse than any physical strain anyone could ever put him through.

“Y'know, when they said you were twins I really didn't believe it,” he laughed, throwing a shard of wood at the skeleton standing ahead of him. “But your auras are so sickeningly unbearable that I totally get the resemblance now.”

Their eyes locked, the sun shining across Dream’s yellow pupils as he dodged the projectile. “Hello to you as well, Killer,” he greeted with a small wave, a polite smile making its way onto his face.

Killer didn't say anything in return, his attention focused on the broken chair nearby. “Man, that sucks..” he muttered, finger tracing over the marks where Nightmare’s tentacle had shattered one of the wooden legs. “Rest in peace.. you were taken from us too soon, sweet prince.” Fingertips pressing to his mouth then to the side of the chair, Killer closed his eyes and mourned for a brief moment.

“..Wouldn't it be resting in pieces?” An amused voice spoke up. “You know, because it's in pieces?”

Killer laughed, springing to his feet and slamming his hands on the table. “Do you just not understand that you ain't wanted here, or are you ignoring it on purpose?”

Dream's smile faltered for a second, his voice lowering to a near whisper. “I don't want to be here, you're forcing me to be.”

A slight breeze fell onto the pair, Dream taking a few steps closer to Killer, who stared expectantly at the guardian.

“If this is another ploy, tell me so I can spoil it and go home.”

There were a few brief moments of indecision with Killer having sworn that Dream's demeanour was slowly angling more towards aggression, before he perked up and clapped his hands. “Ah, what the hell.. yeah, it's a ploy, a real scary one too!” He confessed loudly with a wink, grin widening at Dream’s palpable annoyance. “I was sooooo bored lounging around listening to Horror and Cross debate the morality of cannibalism that I raised the idea to Nightmare-” he leaped over the table, coming face to face with the guardian directly, “-all so I could catch a fuckin’ break.”

“Did that hurt your leg?”

“Yup.”

“Do you want me to heal it?”

“Nope.”

Dream offered a small nod, the pair continuing to stare at each other as the crowd looked on in uncertainty.

“Can I ask how running a stall gets you closer to..” he trailed off, looking over the messy, illegal stall, “..whatever the goal of this is?” He questioned, eyes narrowing as the other innocently tilted his head. “I assume it's fairly important since this is the fifth time I've been called out this week to check on you and Nightmare's antics.”

Killer looked between the guardian and his stall, gasping loudly as he put his hands against the top of his pelvis. “Are you judging my stall?!” He yelled in offense, looking at the monsters and humans surrounding them. “He's saying my stall is ugly!”

“What?!” Dream panicked, waving his arms across each other as he tried to stutter out an answer to Killer's accusation. “W-well.. that's not what I-”

“It is kinda ug-” “NO!” Dream shrieked, magic flaring as he forced Killer's thrown knife to launch upwards instead of hitting the villager square in the face.

“Killer!”

Some of the crowd scattered in a panic, the ones who remained watching as Dream formed a yellow shield of magic around himself and Killer.

“What? I wasn't gonna hit him!” He pleaded, pouting at Dream who had a loaded bow aimed at his soul.

He pulled the string back a bit further. “Answer my question, Killer.”

Killer raised his hands defensively. “I got no clue!”

The shield around them sparked, magic crackling as Dream took a few deep breaths, closing his eyes. “You have no clue, really?”

“Yeah!” Killer laughed, putting his hands into his pockets. “That was Night's job but I pissed him off so bad he ran away. Good news for me though, I get to keep my skull for another day.” He joked, pausing for a second. “Or hour. Possibly half, whenever he comes back.”

Killer hummed as Dream lowered his bow, eyes reopening as he took a final deep breath. “Killer. I want you to be a pacifist for the rest of the day.”

Dream ignored the over exaggerated sigh coming from him, his shoulders shrugging as he looked around exasperatedly. “Gee, Dream, that sounds like a mighty request..” he rocked back and forth on his feet, “I dunno if I could handle something like that.”

“I'll let you keep your stall.”

Killer's eyes instantly locked onto Dream, leaning forward slightly. “Forreal? You'll let me keep it if I play nice?”

“Usually after a stunt like that I wouldn't allow you to do anything of the sort, but I also know that you only did that to annoy me.” Dream explained as calmly as he could. Killer stared, an eyebrow cocked at the agitated guardian. “You're acting out for some reason. I don't know why, but if I give you your stall for one day free of any criminal charges..” he paused, taking note of Killer's static expression. “Would you please not cause me any trouble for the rest of the week?”

Killer hummed indecisively, hand scratching the back of his neck as he considered the offer carefully. “Why though? Like, you could try to drive me outta here, but instead you're just gonna let me stay?” He asked in confusion.

“Killer I'll be honest, letting you run a fruit stall and engaging in literally any healthy behaviour that a normal monster might is miles better than letting you be bored near Nightmare.” Dream explained exasperatedly, unsummoning his bow. “So I'd rather take the risk and let you explore something you might like-”

Dream took a step back at the flash of red magic which shattered his shield, hand outstretched in preparation for a fight before he heard laughter from in front of him. Killer stood, twirling his knife between his fingers.

“Yeah, yeah we get it, you're pure of heart and you can cure me..” Killer interrupted, squinting as the blinding rays of the sun hit his eyes. “You wanna resummon your magical girl wand or what?”

“You'll kill everyone here if I do that.” Dream muttered, lowering his hand and looking around at the sparse yet still crowded group before setting his attention on Killer’s stall. “I do have to legally ask, though.. where exactly did you acquire all this fruit?”

“Garden.” He replied sharply, backflipping over the table and smoothing out his apron.

Dream crossed his arms in annoyance. “Okay, and whose garden was it?”

“Garden.” He repeated, grabbing what used to be Nightmare’s chair and plopping himself down onto it, face resting on the palm of his hand.

Dream shaded his face from the sun, Killer's attitude making what was already an annoying day into one of active despair. He walked ahead, picking up one of the oranges from the box and inspecting it. “It looks edible enough..”

He got a scoff as a response. “Yeah, it's a fruit stall? The customer’s satisfaction is my top priority, y’know.”

“Killer, please.” He quietly begged, hand gently squeezing the orange. “I know your personal endeavours are often harmless but can you please just confirm that they're edible?” His soul dropped at the sign that Killer didn't seem fazed by his desperation in the slightest. He took a deep breath, choosing to go a different route. “Killer, I have so much paperwork to catch up on and if I have to write up a document on how you poisoned a bunch of townsfolk-”

“You gonna cause me problems?” He leaned forward, looking up at Dream's shaking pupils. “You gonna come fight me? Force me to heal? Whatcha gonna do, starboy?”

“I'm going to delegate my tasks to Blue so he can no longer meet up with Error on a daily basis and let you deal with the aftermath.”

Killer nodded. “Touché, my good sir.” He reached over and pulled out an apple, throwing it to Dream who dropped the orange to catch it. “Why don’t ya taste ‘em yourself and see if anything's wrong? That's sure to put your paranoia to rest.”

A sigh escaped him as he brought the apple up to his mouth only for his wrist to be caught by Killer's hand, the taller skeleton having leapt from his chair and leant over the table to do so.

“You gotta pay first. I worked hard to get all this, y’know?”

“For God’s-” he scoffed. “Seriously, Killer?”

The taller stuck his tongue out. “That's how stalls work, right? You steal from me I could get ya arrested..”

Dream took a deep breath, trying to ignore both him and the hypocrisy of having stolen all the fruit from what he didn't doubt was a starving AU. He placed the apple onto the counter, wiping the leaked juices onto his clothes.

“Hey, Dream, if you get arrested, do you have to write a document about yourself?”

“No, Killer.” He moved his hand, magic flaring as he exasperatedly opened a mini-portal to grab some G from the inside of his desk. “If I were to be arrested, it would-”

He froze, the G in his hand dropping back into his desk as he felt a familiar presence fly past his hand and into the open portal.

“Killer.”

Killer let go of his wrist, raising his hands into the air at Dream’s sudden switch of demeanour alongside his icy tone. “Hey, now-”

“Did he just use my portal to get into my AU?”

“Hey, man, I told you.. I just wanna run a fruit stall..”

“Killer.”

Killer clicked his tongue, taking a step away from the guardian. “Hypothetically if he did.. I mean I did warn you earlier he was planning on it and he was gonna use the stall somehow..” he paused, taking amusement in watching Dream progressively get angrier and more panicked, “technically, I'm a victim in this too!”

“Killer!”

“One more time I might show up in your bathroom mirror.”

Dream exhaled shakily, the polite smile on his face earlier having re-emerged as a bitter version of what it once was. “Enjoy your fruit stall, Killer. I hope that now he's gotten what he wanted he'll slow down for the rest of the month.” He hissed, a suggestion for Killer to manipulate his boss into laying low for a while.

“Sure thing, Dreamy!” He cheerfully replied with a wave as Dream took a few steps backwards, shaking his head disapprovingly before disappearing to deal with what was likely a catastrophic mess in his AU.

Killer sighed, sitting back down onto his deck chair and gently rubbing his leg. He idly stared at the sky, laughing at how the moment Dream left the sun had also seemingly disappeared, replaced by soft clouds.

“Hey, are you selling stuff or not?”

His eyes refocused onto the monster ahead of him as he shot up, ready to complete his dear customer’s orders until Nightmare eventually came to pick him up.