sentient-olive

[sentient-olive]

I hate this.

I don't have any other way to say it really I just hate this.

Every time I have to face the fact that I'm not all of me, that I don't have complete agency over my own body, I feel completely hopeless.

There are times when I can ignore it, and I can pretend that things are normal again, but no matter what I have to face the fact that I'll never be rid of this, because the only way I could be is to essentially kill everyone else here and as much as I hate it I do care about some of them.

So I have to live with it, mourning who I was because as much as I hated them at least they were complete, not that any of that matters any more because they're still here, which is just another shitty thing I have to accept.

And I will, I'll accept it all because I don't have a choice, and hey maybe I'll even start to heal, but there's nothing in the world that will make me not wish that this had never happened in the first place.

[sentient-olive]

Been kinda struggling with my sense of identity lately.

We only figured out we're a system at the start of this year and as a consequence of that I don't know when I actually started to exist, or even why I'm here in the first place, I have some guesses but there's no way of really knowing for sure and I doubt there ever will be.

It's just odd ig, I don't really know who I am, and while knowing we're a system has helped me explore my own sense of self a bit I still can't help but feel like I'm not really my own person, or like I'm less than non-systems or even more complete systems if that makes any sense.

All of this is really only compounded by the fact that outside of this account and a few close friends no one knows I exist, at least as a separate person, and even though I'm the host as far as I can tell I still have to pretend to have traits that aren't mine to maintain the facade of Sophie being a singular complete person.

Idk, I won't get any answers or closure, it's just frustrating ig.

[sentient-olive]

I think I deserve a million dollars if I can get through this month without fucking killing someone

Came back from my break cause Luna was having a panic attack or something, went to sleep, woke up late for my bus to work. Fun.

[sentient-olive]

Came back from my break cause Luna was having a panic attack or something, went to sleep, woke up late for my bus to work. Fun.

[sentient-olive]

Idk, I've been forcing myself to front for a while just cause we've been going through a tough time mentally and I frankly don't think Luna can handle that, even if they could I don't want them to have to deal with that.

But there's about a week of nothing coming up and after today at work and maybe spending some time with friends I'm probably gonna just take some time off.

I wish I wasn't so tired

I think I need a break

[sentient-olive]

I think I need a break

[sentient-olive]

Completely forgot that Luna said I was gonna make my own post about what's been going on with us, anyway

Jist of the situation is that the old us still exists somewhere in here and has just kinda been watching for the past 3 or so years, I'm not going to go into the details but ADA knew about it for a while before us and I was really upset at ADA for not telling me, and also really upset with old us for just kinda disappearing

I've reflected on it a bit and I'm realizing my anger is really not useful here whether it's justified or not, and I'm trying my best to welcome the old us back so we can begin to fix things

This whole thing has been difficult for me, realizing we were a system was hard enough for me to come to terms with and I really wanted to avoid having any more members period, but denial and anger is only going to make things worse so at very least I'm trying to do better

[sentient-olive]

Shoutout to ADA for taking over when I have panic attacks, I don't actually thank it enough but god that shits helpful