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Struggling

Hey everyone-

I know I haven’t written in a really long time but I’ve been struggling lately and thought maybe some of you can relate/help.

The good news is the guy I’ve been seeing is now my fiancé and we are getting married in a few months!

The struggle is that throughout our engagement and wedding planning at times I’ve found it hard to allow myself to feel happy and joy and truly believe that I deserve to celebrate and plan a wedding and feel that way again.

The shame feeling has gotten me so far that I’m not planning any sort of bachelorette because I don’t feel I deserve another one. Even though I get jealous and sad when I hear my fiancé talk about his.

I’m even reluctant to feel excited about my office throwing me a party because “I’ve been married before there’s no need.” As though I did something wrong and should be punished.

I just can’t figure out how to snap out of it. In my heart I know I have nothing to be ashamed of. I know that there’s nothing more I could have done to save my previous marriage. But my mind won’t let me stop feeling like I should be hiding under a rock instead of celebrating every moment.

Am I ruined? Will I not be able to feel joy and excitement and happiness through wedding planning and on our wedding day?

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Divorce Day x 3!!!

Tomorrow marks divorce anniversary number 3. It is incredible to read some of my early posts from our separation and realize how far I’ve come since then.

I’ve learned so much about myself, my likes/dislikes, triggers, weaknesses, insecurities. I’m stronger than I’ve ever been, more honest with myself and others then I’ve ever been, and overall just fearless. I put myself out there and take risks when necessary, and above all I’ve slowly learned how to be genuinely happy and enjoy life.

I sometimes still think about him. Still check social media for info about him. But not in a longing manner, or sad or angry manner. Really just out of sheer curiosity with indifference as to what I’ll find. I was interested to learn that he’s still with HER. I guess their insecurities make them co-dependently perfect. I’ll likely never forgive him for what he did, but I also don’t care enough anymore to get too worked up about it.

I’m engaged to a great man who is honest, hard-working, loyal, funny, sexy, and who loves me to his core. Sometimes it’s hard to comprehend that this is what healthy relationships look like. Sometimes it still feels foreign, like I’m just waiting for the shoe to drop, or searching for drama and issues that dont exist. I work through these things slowly through therapy and self-work.

Above all I try not to shame or punish myself if I do still feel mad or sad, or I do start reverting to old ways of being hyper vigilant and questioning. A betrayal of trust in a marriage does a number on you. As much as possible I try to remind myself how far I’ve come and to be kind and patient both with my man and myself.

All I can say is keep moving towards that light at the end of the tunnel because I promise you one day you’ll get there. And all the sadness, heartache, and tears will fade away.

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Faith in something bigger and higher than all of us is sometimes the only thing that did and still keeps me going. Remember this on the darkest of your days.

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I feel bad about everything

Do you ever have those moments where you just feel bad about everything? A few days ago the SO admitted to me that he watches porn when I’m traveling for work. I was immediately triggered. Immediately felt like I wasn’t good enough, that the same thing would happen and I’d get cheated on again...funny how quickly it escalates right?

I literally had to mouth the words, “you are enough, he’s not your ex, this isn’t the same.”

And of course then I felt bad for feeling bad, sigh. Endless cycle.

In any case, I have been doing so well that I’m not going to allow this one setback to derail me. I’m good, I’m enough, and I’m worthy of love from someone who is not toxic.

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Sound familiar? It definitely does to me!

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Loved this article, felt so many of these same things!

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Two Years Later

Well another divorceaversary has come and gone. It’s amazing to think back and know how far I’ve come. All those nights spent doubting and suspecting and crying and fighting, and then feeling betrayed and heartbroken, to now. In a relationship with an amazing man who I love, and who loves me, and who reminds me everyday what a healthy relationship should look like, and what genuine, honest, and truthful people are like. All I can say looking back is that it gets better, I wish I could’ve told the me from three years ago this, but I’m not sure she would’ve listened anyway. But for those who are listening, hold on, stay strong, be true to you and ensure. Because it does get better on the other side.

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Bitter

Today I feel bitter. Yet another person younger than me posted that they’re pregnant with their second child.

I don’t want kids right now. I’m not ready in  my life to have them right now. But it pains me to know that every year that I turn one year older, it’s another x in the  birth defects risk column. and it pains me to see my friends have 2-3 healthy kids knowing that each year that goes by my chances will decrease of having the same thing. I wanted to have that option for myself too, and now because of poor decisions in my life I wont.

I didn’t want to be one of those women who only has their career. I wanted both. And the older I get the less likely it’s going to be that I am going to have both without something going wrong somewhere. And it just sucks that some people get everything they want and others don’t.

Divorce is like the bad gift that keeps on giving. First it’s bad enough getting cheated on and getting divorced at 30 but then watching everyone else succeed in their marriages and have children and advance their careers and buy fancy homes because they had financial support to do whatever they wanted, and they didn’t accumulate a ton of debt, all while you rebuild your entire life and have to pretend like you’re happy at the baby and bridal showers, and weddings, and birthdays, and housewarming’s.

It’s making me bitter and I didn’t want to be bitter about it. And I know my boyfriend loves me but why would he want to be with me when I’m only going to get older? He’s young why wouldn’t he want to be with someone younger so they have time to wait and plan and have a chance at having kids?

When I think about all of it, I just want to cry.

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Things I want to say to her

I stupidly checked my ex's sister's public profile on social media abc saw a photo of him, her, and his family celebrating his dad's birthday. This happens to be the same week Bae and I are moving in together so anxiety and emotions are already at an all time high.

In any case I've felt the urge to contact her. I'm not sure what I'd say, but I toy with the idea. I know it's a bad one and I know I shouldn't sink to her level. But I wish somehow, some way, she'd know that what she is and what she did are disgusting and wrong. And that she is trash and filth and a home wrecking, heart breaking tramp.

I don't know why seeing photos of them still ignites that anger in me. I've moved on and I'm happy with Bae, and I love him and he's everything I want and deserve in a man, but still seeing them together fills me with a rage, and I want them to somehow experience the pain they caused me.

I hope eventually it subsides. Until then my urge to contact either of them leads me here instead, which I suppose is a better and healthier thing.

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I'm still here

I realize it's been months since I posted my last post. That's partially because I've been seeing someone for almost a year now, things of been going really well for us, and we decided that we're going to move in together in a month. It's all very exciting very happy very good news after everything that I've been through, but it's also a little bit scary. Today I stayed up late watching another Netflix show that I finally just finished, and it reminded me of 2015 in the fall. I was binge watching anything and everything I could that was happy and funny and lighthearted, just to take my mind off of what was going on with my marriage and the fact that my husband who had promised me that we were only going to be separate separated temporarily, ended up seeing that other woman that I thought he was seeing her not wanting to spend any time with me at all.

So much has happened over the last few months I don't even know where to begin. I suppose I could begin with the fact that I saw picture of him and her on his sisters Instagram page confirming all of my horrors that come true that in fact he was seeing her did have feelings for her and that now he was taking her on family vacations and she had replace me in their life. That's forward to this past month in August where I am at my new boyfriend's parents for the first time and things were wonderful. But at the same time I couldn't help but feeling a tiny small paying of pain knowing that I would not longer have a relationship with his parents anymore.

Password to today where were a month away from moving in with one another. Part of me is scared obviously having grown accustomed to living on my own it's easier to protect my emotions and card my heart, part of me is ready for the excitement and the challenge of someone new and something new. I suppose this is a fresh start with someone new and I need to embrace it for what it is and not try to compare it. I've been trying to purge my life of a lot of the old things that I held onto when I first moved into this apartment and I hope to continue to do that.

I'll try to be better about writing more starting with everything that's let up to this point in the last few months. But for now I suppose that this got us updated Annie hopefully some of you are still out there reading this and following along with my journey and having your own journeys at the same time I wish you all well and good luck and if anything the last few months of taught me that you should never lose your faith and your help and love because someday somewhere somehow it happens.

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One year later (Belated)

Over a year has passed since our divorce was final. By the time it was final it had taken so long that the marriage had already been over for a year... but it's still crazy to reflect on then vs. now. I feel like I still haven't processed that he's dating her. That I was right all along and that he made me feel like an idiot and like I was stupid and paranoid. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever trust like I did again. I love my boyfriend. And more and more I've started picturing a life and a future with him. But the demons in my head still mess with me from time to time. They still corrupt my thoughts and make me doubt sometimes. My therapist asked me to write down what I'd want to say to him if ever given the opportunity. But I don't even know where to start. I just feel stupid, and naive, and like an idiot. That after all that he got exactly what he wanted... where's the karma? Where's the Justice? Does it even exist? Will he ever have to feel pain or pay for the pain and damage he's caused me? How can he just get away with it? And what would I say to her? Other than she's the scum of the earth and I hope their relationship is as miserable as the way they look? Is any of it worth it? Or will I always just be damaged?

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Her

Well, I guess he's officially dating the Whore. Took her on a family vacation and his sister even posted a pic of her on the trip. Part of me is in disbelief that it's really true, that my wasband cheated on me with that ugly overweight Whore. The other part of me feels so free and relieved. I've struggled with my demons this month. Fought with my new man bc of triggers. This is the month I got married and the month I got divorced. And now this is the month I confirmed that my every suspicion, every doubt, every intuition was right. I hope you're happy with her, actually I don't. I hope my face and my voice and my tears and my very being haunt your dreams for the rest of your life. I hope you ponder how your life would've been with a girl like me. And I hope you miss me. Because I'm finally happy again, I finally am with someone who loves me and respects me and wants me for me. You never made me feel that way. I feel relieved, I feel closure. And I'm moving on. Goodbye.

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You Don’t Appreciate Her Yet, But You’ll Regret It When Someone Else Does

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Triggers

One thing that I’ve learned is that triggers are everywhere. They can sneak up on you when you least expect. You can be happy and sad at the same time.

This past weekend my new boyfriend’s good friend got engaged. I was already loopy and out of it from a week of travel, but I found myself feeling sad and upset and I couldn’t figure out why until I realized the engagement was triggering me. I even lashed out on the bf at one point, internally angry that I couldn’t control the course of our relationship. I also FaceTimed one of my friends who just had a baby, and realized I have no idea if I’ll ever have children, something I very much want.

I feel like my boyfriend is pulling back on me. He used to like spending the night during the week and now he says he only wants to go on dates during the week and then go back to his place so he doesn’t disrupt his routine. That scares me too. I’m so afraid of wasting more time with the wrong person until it’s so late that I can’t even have kids anymore.

I told myself if I reached a certain age and I wasn’t with anyone or was with someone who wasn’t ready for that commitment, I was going to have a child on my own (probably adopt).

I just feel like everyone is moving forwards and I’m moving backwards. All of the things they have are the things I wanted, and now who knows if I’ll ever get them. I love my boyfriend, he makes me happy, and he’s kind and sweet and smart and very special. But how long do I wait to see if he wants what I want?

Really I just want to be married again. To the right person of course. I want a home again, and I want a family. How can I be with someone so wonderful Whom I love and who I know makes me happy and still feel sad at the same time?

Will I find that level of companionship again?

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Demons

It's been months since I've written so I figured it was time to catch up. Truth is that I met a man, and he is seemingly wonderful, sweet, funny, kind, makes me laugh all the time, wants to be around me and spend time with me and loves me. But still sometimes that doubt creeps in and the demons I fight won't leave me alone. I find myself talking myself down about what he's doing, who he's with, what his female friendships "really mean". The reality is that he is not my ex. He is a different person, and not everyone is going to behave like my ex did. But still from time to time I find myself freaking out over silly things, like not texting me before bed, or checking on what he used to do with his ex girlfriend and why he doesn't do those things with me. Or constantly wondering if he did the same exact things with her and the only difference is she wasn't willing to have sex with him and I am. Sometimes I question how or why he could love someone like me, with all the demons and craziness and triggers I'm still trying to work through. There is the issue of the fact that he's younger, and sometimes has outbursts that are immature. And that I feel disconnected from his life because it feels like we always see my friends instead of his. Why is it so hard to just allow myself to be happy, why is it so difficult to trust and believe in the goodness of another? I'm scared my triggers and insecurity are going to get the better of me and I'm going to ruin something that's good for me. All thanks to my ex.