serenelysimple - Tumblr blog

[serenelysimple]

[serenelysimple]

the night sky reminds me of you

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— Maggie Nelson, Bluets

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“All relationships have one law: never make the one you love feel alone, especially when you’re there.”

— Unknown

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— Nelly Sachs, from “The Seeker.”

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Normalize not forcing people to choose you. If they think they can find better elsewhere – let them. Respectfully.

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I don't know why I am getting new followers this month. I haven't posted anything that makes sense the past years 😅

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I don't think I am that likable.

I may have shown it online - I posted many dance videos, art updates, and even some music. But what if these are not my calling but my ego's needs?

I don't really need to feel that validation from other people. I'm just entertaining myself. But what if some people think that I'm being too much? Too expressive to the point that seeing my face annoys them?

I've been thinking about what other people might think about me lately. I don't wanna be someone who's hated by anyone. They say we have to be ourselves and not care what other people think. I've been practicing that lately, but then I thought I was being too loud and toxic online.

I don't think I am likable in a way that people find me genuine and pretty. I can't even see it in myself sometimes. I hate seeing my posts sometimes.

I wish I could get over this feeling soon.

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Sometimes I can't believe this is true. I have experienced a different kind of love I never thought was possible.

Is it a waste of time if you spend hours being honest with what you feel and saying things you've never told anyone before? Have you ever been so courageous that you let all your buried feelings out?

This can be one-sided, but I don't care if I am alone with this. 

Do you believe you can love even without touch — or even if there are a thousand spaces between you?

It feels like:

Meeting someone when you're young, and you know it is love even before you know what love really means.

Nostalgic: cassettes, CD players, festival dance for school intramurals, visiting a place where you both grew up, but somehow it felt smaller.

But since the beginning, it always feels like it was meant that way: always apart, searching, and loving from afar. Everything I said was just a glimpse of what I felt and experienced. If I say too much, it might hurt some people. Sometimes, I imagine this specific person will find me creepy and delusional. But right now, I am allowing myself to feel all the pain and sadness. I am just human. If I bury this once more, it might ruin me harder than before.

I only have this lifetime and will only meet a person like that once. A soulmate; always loved, but never meant to be.

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~ Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

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“I’ve found that growing up means being honest. About what I want. What I need. What I feel. Who I am.”

— Epiphany

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can’t wait to be a 40 year old woman who’s healed from her trauma and loves going grocery shopping and lives with lifelong but manageable mental illness. and gives people nice presents on their birthdays. and I’m looking forward to being 75 and sitting on the porch in the summer when the sun is shining.

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what are your twenties if not an endless string of the ghosts of who you thought you would become

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how do you just get up and deal with the fact that there’s a last time for everything. there was a last time you sat on your dads shoulders and there was a last time your mom tucked you into bed. there’s going to be a last time you kiss your sister on the head and there’s going to be a last time you hug your best friend. there’s going to be a last time you feel exactly as you feel right now and there’s going to be a last time that person says i love you. i need to lay down

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@sandarafreedompark / Sade Andria Zabala / Unknown / @danielederossi / Kiki Nicole / Giovanni Gasparro / Trista Mateer / Anne Sexton / The Coral

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- Albert Camus, The Misunderstanding

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Expand

Hello... long post ahead.

These days, I am too expressive and being too much of who I am. Or what if: I only think of it (being too much) this way because I am expanding? Because I believe that when you expand, some people in your life won’t understand your growth, and the energy might not match anymore.

I guess I’ve changed a lot mentally. I became more aware of my patterns. Lately, I’ve been re-reading my old posts. I am grateful to Tumblr for keeping my memories — the good (old days when I could express myself through art), the bad (heartbreaks), and the ugly (grainy webcam selfies). And also, these days, I feel like I am between being unapologetically me and wanting to disappear from the online world for being too cringe.

But who am I supposed to talk to, and where am I supposed to express myself? I am too lazy and full of self-doubts to express myself through painting, and I still have a lot of pending projects; that’s why sometimes, I feel like expression and passion are a luxury. I wish someone could listen to me talk about this stuff. I have a boyfriend, though! But I don’t like being cut out mid-sentence and feeling like my words are invalid, just flowing but never absorbed — never powerful, and never having a deeper meaning. I wanna talk to someone who absorbs like a sponge, as empathic, as expressive, and who would take my words seriously like a puzzle they are happy to solve.

Don’t get me wrong, though (or maybe you could). I don’t wanna break someone’s heart. But sometimes, I feel that: when I was younger, I made a permanent decision too early without thinking things through. Now that I’m older (at the right age to get married, even!), I long for a deeper connection. It’s something that I will never understand when I was 20. 7 years passed, and life has a different meaning.

I don’t wanna hurt anyone, so I am hurting myself instead. Maybe this is one of the ways I know how to love. I wish I don’t need to sacrifice, and I wish I could go back in time.

Maybe when the time was right, and if I waited a little longer to be wiser before making a decision, things would be better.

But some mistakes make life beautiful, too. Maybe I was a mistake, too. And perhaps I am a beautiful mistake that the universe was glad to make.