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serpent-face-and-flowering-heart · 4 years

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YAY OTP BINGO! Despite how dark it was the light of love shone through and warmed my heart. Remus with Tourette isn’t something I’ve considered before but is really fitting with his character. And the line “what if I don’t love myself?” “Then lean on my love until you do” is the so soft and kind of related. And Roman forcing cuddles, like sure it was just ‘for warmth’. Honestly everyone just needs a hug, I’m willing to do the job.

There’s Pain in the Dark but Healing in the Light

Sanders Sides gift exchange present for @serpent-face-and-flowering-heart - I hope you like it and it’s not too dark… Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!~

@sanderssidesgiftxchange

Tags #graphic depictions of self harm #suicidal thoughts #swearing

Let me know if there’s anything else that needs to be tagged!

Janus shivered as he pushed on through the snow. By now, he could hardly think, much less remember why he was out here. But, something told him to keep going, instead of sinking back into the warmth of the Mindscape, and he couldn’t pull thoughts together to make out what it was or even to counter it. So he trudged through the snow, pulling his capelet taut over his back in an attempt to keep warm.

But then, he thought he heard something through the howling wind.

No, there’s nothing else out here. Just me.

He trudged on.

Again, a sound seemed to try to push its way through the snow, but he couldn’t make out what it was.

He looked around. Was that a light behind him?

The wind blew snowflakes and his hair into his eyes, and he turned to face forward again.

No, there couldn’t be anything. He wasn’t sure why he was so certain of this, so certain he couldn’t be found or followed.

And then he jumped as something big and red pulled up beside him.

“Janus!”

He squinted up through the falling snow to see who had called his name.

“Janus, what are you doing here?” Roman, he finally recognized, jumped down from the driver’s seat of the covered sleigh and made his way in a few quick steps to Janus, grabbing him by the arms as he looked him over.

“Come on, let’s get you inside.” He pulled Janus toward the sleigh. Janus had no thought of resisting, only the warmth of Roman’s hands, the concern on Roman’s face…

He stumbled into the sleigh, falling into the seat, and Roman climbed in behind him. As soon as he shut the door, the sleigh took off again, and Janus realized in passing thought that the sleigh had no horse.

“Janus, you really scared m—us. What were you thinking?” Roman was grabbing blankets from the opposite seat and piling them on Janus, who huddled in the corner of the sleigh, still shivering. Janus blinked slowly at the prince, his muddled, frozen brain trying to piece together what he was saying.

Roman piled the last blanket on him, then nodded, satisfied. He then picked up one side of the blankets, and scooted in next to Janus, to which Janus squeaked in… surprise? Disagreement? Alarm? Not even Janus knew.

“No, no. You’ve made your choice, walking out in the snow, now I’m taking the reins. You are going to get warm, and you’re going to sleep, and I am going to watch over you until I am sure you are one hundred percent okay. Or more than one hundred percent, though Logan might yell at me for saying so.”

Janus stared at him. He was still unable to process what Roman said, though whether from the cold or from his own jumbled feelings, he couldn’t tell.

They sat in silence for a moment, as Janus soaked in Roman’s heat. Then his eyelids began to droop, and he finally drifted off.

*****

Janus woke up feeling very warm indeed. It was wonderful. He sighed and shifted under the covers. He wanted to stay like this forever.

Then he felt something brush hair off his face, and his brow furrowed. He slowly blinked his eyes open.

He froze.

Roman was sitting on the bed next to him, in a room he didn’t recognize. A fire crackled merrily from somewhere behind him.

He shot up to a sitting position, then regretted it as pain shot through his head.

“Janus?” Roman’s voice came softly.

“Good morning, Roman,” Janus said stiffly, rubbing one of his temples with a gloved hand. “Thank you for the ride and your hospitality. I must get going.” He threw the blankets off, preparing to get off the side of the bed opposite Roman, but a hand caught his.

He turned back halfway, not willing to look at Roman.

“Janus, please don’t leave. Please, tell me why you were out there. To be out in the snow, especially for you, that's…”

Janus flinched at the unspoken word. He pulled his hand away from Roman’s. “I haven’t done it before.”

Roman looked down. “We know… I don’t know what deal you had with Remus to use the Imagination like that, but it has to stop, please.”

“You can tell me what to do!” Janus snapped, finally looking at Roman. Big mistake. His heart broke as he took in wet, puffy eyes and tear-stained cheeks. He looked away. “I’m fine.”

“I know that’s a lie, Janus,” Roman said softly. “Please, tell me what’s going on. Let me at least know why.”

Janus was quiet for a minute. “Why do you care?” he finally whispered, almost a statement as much as a question.

“Because I love you, Janus.”

Janus looked up at Roman, who wore a sad smile.

“I love you. I love your scales and your wit and your knowledge. I love that you enjoy theater and books. I love your honesty,” he let out a breathy laugh. “I know you’re Deceit but really, once you learn how you speak, you’re so honest and caring and passionate and every time you speak I fall in love with you all over again."

Roman looked at Janus again, smiling even wider. "I love you, Janus!” His smile fell, and he looked away. “And it took you almost… for me to tell you.”

Janus didn’t speak for a long time. He stared at Roman, going over every inch of what Roman said, trying to find the lie. There was no possible way it wasn’t… but he couldn’t find one. Roman had believed every word, and that must mean…

Roman looked up when he heard sniffling. Tears were rolling down Janus’ face. “Oh, Janus!” Roman reached to the side table to grab some tissues, which he handed to Janus. Janus nodded in thanks, but didn’t say anything.

They were quiet for a while as they collected themselves.

Then Janus let out a shaky breath.

“I… I’m not a… bad side,” he said haltingly, staring at the crumpled tissues in his hand. “I… Thomas needs me. You… you all like me.” He broke into tears again at this, still thinking about Roman’s confession.

Roman reached forward and pulled Janus closer, meeting his lips, softly at first, as if asking if this was okay. When Janus returned the kiss, he pressed harder, pulling at the front of Janus’ shirt. He kissed Janus until both their tears had dried, and they pulled away with breathy laughs, leaning against each other’s foreheads.

“You are not a bad side,” Roman said softly. “Thomas does need you, and you know that I love you. Remus is your best friend, and he would never forgive you if you took that away. Logan and Patton enjoy your wit and advice almost as much as I do. And Virgil… well, Virgil has his own issues. But that doesn’t make you any less worthy of love.”

Janus closed his eyes.

This must be a dream, a hallucination as he died from the cold. Maybe this time he had taken it too far…

Then he felt something brush against his cheek, and again, and again.

Roman was kissing him. On his scales.

Janus let out a sob.

Roman wrapped his arms around him and tucked his face into his neck as Janus cried.

Janus hadn’t wanted to leave the warmth of the bed when he woke, but now, he’d trade a warm bed any day, for this.

— — —

Virgil stared at the line on his arm, which was growing little droplets as he watched. The deep red, the tiny beads, the stinging pain, pushed away the throbbing thoughts in his head, just for a moment. A moment of peace.

And then the thoughts came roaring back. You’re not good enough. You just hurt them. They hate you. You’re evil. Just end it. End it all. Right now. END IT.

He swiped the blade across his skin and took a breath, watching the drops of blood form and start to trickle down.

He heard the doorknob click and he yanked his sleeve up and tossed the razor blade behind the toilet.

“Virgil?” Patton peeked around the door.

Virgil didn’t look up. He concentrated on holding himself stiff so he didn’t shake under Patton’s gaze. He’d been found out, Patton would know everything, he was so stupid.

He didn’t see Patton’s knowing, sympathetic look. But he did hear him step into the bathroom and feel him sit down next to him.

He was confused when Patton didn’t say anything. He heard a soft shuffling and glanced out of the corner of his eye.

Patton was taking off his bracelets one by one.

Virgil watched, puzzled, until Patton, having taken off all the bracelets, rested his hand palm up on Virgil’s knee. Then Virgil stared, stared at the little scabbed-over lines just below Patton’s wrist.

Barely realizing what he was doing, he reached out and gingerly brushed his fingers over the cuts. Patton shivered and gave a breathy laugh, and Virgil pulled back. He looked up at Patton, questions in his eyes.

“You’re not alone,” Patton said quietly. “I understand. And I’m here for you, if you want me to be.”

Tears filled Virgil’s eyes, and he wiped them away with his sleeve. He looked down at Patton’s hand, which was still on his knee. He hesitated, then slid his own hand into Patton’s.

Patton’s fingers curled around Virgil’s hand, and Patton leaned his head against Virgil’s shoulder.

Virgil took a deep breath.

And for a moment, the tumbling thoughts were pushed away again.

— — —

Logan walked down the hall of the Others’ common and stopped at Remus’s door. He paused for a moment to listen. He couldn’t hear anything, which was very odd for Remus. Though, Logan thought, he might yet be in the Imagination. Logan hadn’t checked there yet.

He slowly opened the door and looked inside.

Remus was sitting, quivering, on the bed, facing the wall.

“Remus?” Logan made his way over to the bed. “Remus, are you okay?”

Remus didn’t respond right away, but then suddenly burst out: “Babies falling out of trees! Fuck, fuck, damn it all! Babies!” His shoulders sagged and he put his face in his hands.

Ah, Logan thought, sitting next to Remus and putting a hand on his back. “Remus, what were you doing?”

Remus shook his head, then his shoulders shook.

Oh. He was crying.

“Oh, Remus,” Logan whispered, gathering Remus in a hug.

“Why can’t I be—Fuck Fuck Babies—” Remus let out another sob. “Why can’t I be normal?!” He threw his head back, before relaxing again.

Logan held him for a while, letting Remus’s crying die down before speaking gently, “Remus, why do you want to be ‘normal’?”

Remus pulled away slowly. “S-so you and Thomas and the others w-will like me…” he hiccupped. He started hitting his head with the heel of his hand. Logan waited out the tic—though he hated to see Remus get hurt, he knew it was no good to try to stop him.

“Remus, if I’ve ever given you reason to believe I don’t love you absolutely and completely, tics and all, then there has been a failing on my part, not yours.”

Remus looked almost warily up at him, searching his face.

“I love you, moonbeam,” Logan continued softly, giving Remus a small smile. “And not in spite of your tics. You are a wonderful person. You bring me to a wild side of life I could never have imagined would be so amazing. You stimulate—”

“A boiling beetroot!”

“—Me in every possible way. You are everything to me. And if I’ve ever made you feel less than that, I’m a bad boyfriend.”

Remus wiped his cheek with the back of his hand. “You’re not a bad boyfriend,” he mumbled.

“And the others?”

“Fuck! Babies!”

Logan continued as if he hadn’t been interrupted, “They just have their own issues to deal with, in reaction to your tics. Virgil? Scared by loud noises. That’s not your fault. It’s not his either. It’s just something he has—”

Remus’s back straightened, and he nearly fell backward.

“—to get used to around you. Patton and Roman? You know they love you, they just have to unlearn their black-and-white upbringing. And Janus? Well, he’s your best friend, isn’t he? Do you think he would be if he didn’t like you?”

Remus sniffled. “What about Thomas?”

“What about Thomas?”

Remus looked up, surprised.

“Okay, I don’t know how Thomas feels about you, that’s true. I think it says a lot, though, that he’s trying to understand you. He wants to love you—”

“A beetroot! Babies!”

“—just as every person wants to love all of themself. Will he do that perfectly? Probably not, at least not for now. Just like Patton and Roman, he’s learning the—”

Remus started hitting his head again.

“—shades of gray that make up reality, that make up you, and me, and everyone. And if it turns out he doesn’t like you?” Logan shrugged. “Then so what? No one is perfect, and no one loves all of themself. And as for you, no one needs to be loved, or liked, by everyone. You, I think, need to start—”

Remus bit down on his chew-pendant.

“—by loving yourself, and the right people will join in.”

Remus was quiet for a moment, tracing patterns in his sheets. “What… what if… I don’t love myself?”

Logan smiled gently. “Then lean on my love until you do.” He leaned in and pushed his lips against Remus’s, kissing him fiercely, until Remus suddenly threw his head back. Logan didn’t miss a beat, and instead of kissing Remus’s lips, he kissed along his neck, down to his shoulder. Once Remus had relaxed from the tic, he started giggling.

Logan pulled away, smiling. “Let’s go join the movie date, shall we?”

— — —

“This is Halloween, this is Halloween…”

Logan sat with Remus’ head in his lap, brushing his fingers through Remus’ hair. Remus made a few noises and threw his head back from time to time, but Logan just smiled at his boyfriend and his jokes about the movie.

On the other side of the couch, Patton and Virgil sat next to each other, and Patton snuck his hand into Virgil’s and leaned his head on Virgil’s shoulder. Virgil tried to stop his heart from racing, tried to hide the hitch in his breath, but slowly, he curled his hand around Patton’s.

Roman and Janus sat, legs outstretched, on the floor. Janus had his head on Roman’s shoulder, and he had his eyes closed, though Roman could hear him humming along to the movie with his new boyfriend.

“La la la lalala lalala whee…”

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