seyoou-blog

[seyoou-blog]

if there’s one thing seyoon has learned about parents, it’s that they will always leave their children behind when it is most convenient for them.

it’s what his father did, after all. his father had taken off without so much of a goodbye to his children. every night that seyoon tried and failed to stay up past his bedtime to see if his father would come home had been for nothing. jaeyoon used to tell him ‘he’s not coming back, that’s what divorce means.’ seyoon never understood why people had to divorce and jaeyoon never understood why his little brother wanted their father back so badly, when all the man had done for them while he was around was make their lives miserable.

but seyoon had known that misery since the day he was born. after six years of living in hell, it was odd not having the devil around. somehow, a quiet home was far scarier than a home with constant shouting. if his father could disappear so easily, couldn’t his mother too? at least when his father was around, he always knew what to expect. the changes frightened him so much, he spent every day for months hoping that he’d wake up and realize it had just been a dream and that he still had the same family he had the night before when he went to sleep. he wanted nothing more than to wake up living the same life, even though it was sometimes very hard and sometimes very scary. what was life without a little terror and pain? was it even possible to live without it?

later, seyoon learned it was. most of the time, anyway.

when he’s seven, it’s his mother that abandons him. it’s just the first time, too. what he thinks is going to be a fun family holiday ends with him realizing that he was never meant to return to seoul in the first place. he should’ve known it was going to happen. she’d asked him countless times whether he wanted to go stay with his grandmother in sokcho to have some fun adventures. he’d told her countless times no. he preferred to stay in seoul with his mother and brother, with his friends, and have fun adventures there instead. one thing he’s come to learn, however, is that when you’re just a kid, you don’t always get what you want. it’s a shame this time he only wants to go home.

“mommy…”

“i’m sorry, baby. your grandmother will look after you for just a little while, okay? mommy’s gotta go back to the city and work. it’s just for a little bit.”

“no.” a thousand times no. a thousand times don’t do this. “i don’t want to stay.”

heejin can feel her heart breaking. she knows he doesn’t want to stay. truthfully, she doesn’t want him to stay either. but being a newly-divorced single mother struggling to make ends meet is hard enough. it’s harder when one of her children is still so young and needs someone to look after him when he’s not in school. that responsibility often falls upon her eldest son, who - at seventeen - makes the best candidate for babysitter when it’s just the three of them alone in the city together. the cheapest candidate, anyway. but a teenager looking after a young child is not the most ideal situation in any case, and especially not when jaeyoon needs to be focusing on his studies himself. not when he should be spending his free time playing with friends and relaxing. heejin feels terrible that she’s turned her son into a parent, but leaving her youngest to fend for himself at such a tender age is worse. she knows. she’s tried that, too.

“i know. i know you don’t want to stay. but it’s just going to be for a little while. just a little while, i promise.” it’s hard not to break down in tears like he has. she wants to be strong and console him, but as much as it hurts him to be left behind, it hurts her more to be doing the leaving. she doesn’t dare pull her fingers from out of his hair. she knows the moment she does, she’ll miss the feeling of it all too much. “i have to go to work so i can get money to buy you nice toys, okay? and then when i have a little bit more money, i’ll come back and get you. soon, baby. i promise. don’t cry.”

“no! i want to go home with you! i want to see hyung!”

“hyung will be waiting for you, don’t worry.” her eldest hadn’t been totally set on the idea either. though he didn’t enjoy having to watch his brother all the time, leaving seyoon with their grandmother almost seemed cruel. the lady was nice enough, but they hardly knew her. he knew that seyoon wouldn’t be comfortable, at least not at first. but he had to agree that having her care for him for a while wasn’t the worst idea ever. it sure beat having to leave him alone now that he was on break from school. “when you’re home, you can tell hyung all about your fun adventures here with your grandmother. you can tell us both all about what you did. and your friends too.”

“but i don’t want to stay here!”

“seyoon…”

“no!” he’s sobbing right into her stomach, clinging onto her for dear life. he knows that if he lets her go, she might slip away and never come back. “please don’t leave me here! i don’t want to be here, mommy. please! take me back with you!”

heejin can feel the tears building in her eyes. though she knows she’s doing what’s in her son’s best interest at the moment, she can’t help but feel like the worst mother in the world. it’s not the first time she’s felt like this, either. “seyoon-ah… my baby… listen to me well. you’re gonna be back before school starts again. i promise you, okay? i promise that you’re going to be home very, very soon. it’s just that mommy has to work very hard and won’t be home to take care of you, and hyung can’t either right now. so, your grandmother will take care of you in the meantime and make sure you’re having a good break. it’s like an extended vacation. it’s going to be fun. and i’ll be back to get you very soon. and until then, i’m going to call you everyday. okay? we’re going to talk on the phone every single day and if you miss me too much still, you can have grandmother help you write me a letter.“

“i don’t want to write you a letter! i don’t want you to leave me!”

“when i get back to seoul, the first thing i’m going to do is book your ticket to come home. you understand? that’s the first thing i’m going to do.” her voice is cracking. she needs to go before it’s too late and she changes her mind. her mother seems to sense this, because she starts to reach for him. “and then i’ll tell you what day it is so you can look at the calendar and count it off. it’s not going to be a long time, i promise you. i’m going to bring you home as soon as i possibly can.”

“no!”

“seyoon-ah…” despite her instincts to hold onto her son and continue comforting him, heejin knows she’s got to rip him away like a band-aid and just get it over with. otherwise, this is only going to get harder and it’s only going to hurt worse. though he struggles, it isn’t too hard for her to pull him away and pass him off to his grandmother. the poor woman is trying to offer words of consolation, to entice her grandson with promises of ice cream and a good time, but the boy whose world has been ripped away from him is not listening. all he wants is his mother. because of this, it’s impossible for heejin to say goodbye to hers. “go with your grandmother, seyoon. it’s going to be okay.”

“no! mommy…”

“i’m sorry, baby. mommy’s sorry. this is just how things have to be for a little while. it’s not going to be forever. you’ll see. you’re going to be fine.” she’s already making her way out the door. she can’t bear to look at him any longer. she doesn’t want to cry in front of him again. “you’re gonna be fine. i promise. i’ll call you tomorrow.”

“mommy! please, don’t leave me!”

“i love you, sweetheart. i love you so much. i’m sorry. please be good.”

and then just like that, she’s gone. for the second time in the span of one year, seyoon is left behind by his own family. in the blink of an eye, he’s lost his mother too. even worse, he’s also lost his brother in seoul by default. it’s what he’s been afraid of since the day his father left. he knew this was going to happen. it was only a matter of time. but it hurts worse this time, though. it’d been hard for him to wake up no longer having a father, but it’s harder to say goodbye to his mother after she’d promised him months ago that she wouldn’t leave too. if she promised him that she wouldn’t disappear like his father had, then how could he really trust that she’d keep her word and come back for him? she promised it wouldn’t take long. she promised she’d be back for him soon. but the scariest thing of all is that seyoon, at age seven, has learned that promises really mean nothing to everyone but him. otherwise, he wouldn’t be crying into his grandmother’s chest like this. he wouldn’t have to be so scared.

seyoon doesn’t understand why people have to get divorced. he’s certain he’ll never understand it, in the same way he’ll never understand why parents always leave their children behind when it is most convenient for them.

[seyoou-blog]

160111

[seyoou-blog]

(( hi, guys. great news!!! spring semester is finally over as of yesterday! that means that i now have more time and energy to devote to writing. 

that said, though, i’m thinking of shifting this account to more of a place where i can just keep information and self-paras of seyoon, rather than a place where i’m writing very lengthy threads with other people. i’m not saying that i don’t want to write with other people, and i’m definitely open to doing so from time to time, but i know from experience that it’s very hard for me to keep up with a lot of replies when i’m on tumblr. ;n; therefore, i will be keeping this account active by mostly updating about what seyoon has been up to and plan to start writing a collection of stories about things that have happened in his life, both past and present. 

i’ve always wanted to dive really deep into a muse and put out as much detailed information about them as i possibly could, and i really want to do that with seyoon now that i have the time to devote to it. because i typically play him on twitter now, sometimes it’s hard to get a lot of writing out about him, so that’s what i really want to start doing. i don’t know how well this will turn out, but i want to at least try it! so, you can expect to see a lot of self-paras about him from this point on. i’ve already got some ideas, but i need to fix up his blog(s) and twitter(s) before i can start getting this stuff out. i just wanted to make a note of that. i am still willing to write threads with other people, but doing so will no longer be the main focus of this account. i hope you guys will still stick around anyway! if not, thanks for everything. it’s been fun. ❤

[seyoou-blog]

Busted! // Sehun and others reaction to the snake from his box

[seyoou-blog]

    “you cannot change the people around you. but you can choose what people to be around.”

                                               multi-muse - literate - oc rp - nsfw

                  like for an inbox starter/meme, reblog to spread the love, follow for a friend !

[seyoou-blog]

TVXQ’s ‘The Chance of Love’ Sehun version

[seyoou-blog]

(( i love how i said i wasn’t going to disappear this semester, and then immediately disappeared after i said that, lmao. unfortunately, i’ve been really busy and stressed out from school and other things, and my condition hasn’t been that great, so i haven’t been able to focus on roleplaying as much as i wish i could. i moved seyoon to a new twitter recently and he’s still alive over there (though i’m not always as active as i want to be), but writing on tumblr seems like a very daunting thing right now. if you want to interact with him, feel free to follow him over there @94_KANG. twitter is just the easiest thing to handle at the moment, but i’m definitely not planning on leaving tumblr. i really hope i can be back here soon!!!! i miss you guys. 😭 hopefully i’ll be writing with you all here again soon enough.

[seyoou-blog]

“–because you cannot discern our differences, you assume we have none. But make no mistake: even same-stem fabricants cultured in the same wombtank are as singular as snowflakes.“

                                                                    semi-selective | literate clone multimuse | reblog + follow

[seyoou-blog]

(( note: the spring semester has started today (on my own fucking birthday no less, which is great lmao) and i will be getting progressively busier over the course of the next couple months. i don’t know how active i’ll end up being over here since last semester i pretty much vanished at some point... 

┐(‘～`；)┌

vanishing is definitely not the plan, though! not this time. except, i’m gonna be even busier this semester so i’ll probably end up disappearing around midterms/finals. but otherwise, i’m really gonna try to be more active here and finally finish everything i need to do! i haven’t been very active at all lately and i hate that. ;n; i have so many things i want to write, but i have been so darn lazy. you know how it goes. but anyway, good luck to everyone else who is starting school today, although i think most of you have already started without me. let’s kick butt!

[seyoou-blog]

@luxinexitium 

seyoon has always wondered what would happen after his heart stopped beating. would he end up in heaven? would he be judged by the lord himself at the front gate? would he be turned away and sentenced to burn in eternal hell? do either of those places even exist at all? he’s only entertained the thought that they do simply because he’s always imagined his mother in a good place and his father being sent to a fiery prison far away from her. it’s a consolation he’s always given himself ever since his mother passed. the world was cruel to her. why shouldn’t the afterlife be different?

he’s also heard that with death comes nothing. with death comes darkness and silence that can’t even be recognized because after one takes their final breath, they simply know nothing. he supposes that isn’t a bad way for things to end. after years and years of taking in information, of experiencing, of living, wouldn’t one consider it a welcome break? he’s also heard that when you die and see the light at the end of the tunnel, you’re not moving into an afterlife at all but into another life itself. reincarnation. the tunnel is the birth canal. congratulations, you’re a girl! he’s always liked the idea of that too, that a death day can turn into a birthday. he’s always wondered if that was true and who passed to make space in the world for him. they deserve some thanks, he supposes. some.

turns out, death is pretty fucking boring. 

(maybe boring isn’t the right word but, either way, he’s disappointed).

“so, this is it then? this?” with a scoff, seyoon turns his gaze toward the horizon and tries to find a reason to be happy. with the transferring of his soul to a new body, he’s managed to keep his typical optimistic personality. but the depression is there too, he thinks, although now it isn’t because his life sucks, it’s because he’s got no life at all. at least, not in the traditional sense. there’s nothing traditional about being undead. there’s nothing traditional about being forced into being a grim reaper either, even if it’s a practice that’s carried on for centuries. although he’d flirted with the idea of death before, in truth, seyoon never wanted to die. although he doesn’t wish for things to be over now, he also thinks being surrounded by darkness would be better. 

anything must be better than this. anything must be better than seeing your loved ones cry at your funeral and not being able to comfort them. anything must be better than seeing the world carry on without you, even though you’re still right there. it hurts to know that nobody knows it. it hurts that he’s hurt people he cares about too. this time, it wasn’t even his fault. that car had come out of nowhere. still, knowing that he’s brought pain onto his brother and friends, even from the grave, makes him feel like a load of total garbage. he supposes that’s all he’s ever been good at. at least this is the last time he can hurt anyone. it might be for the best.

after taking in the view of the city from the rooftop of an old apartment building, seyoon heads off on a journey through the city. he doesn’t know where these new feet will take him, but some time later, he ends up at vanille & chocolat’s. jinri’s been inconsolable, it seems, as have the staff, as the cafe hasn’t opened its doors in days. outside, however, fans have come to leave loving messages to him and to his best friend. some have left flowers and gifts. there are tissues. today, there are two girls hugging and crying. seyoon takes one look at their eclipse shirts and feels like he could cry too, but he simply keeps on walking. he’ll come read the messages later. he can’t find the heart to do so when they’re sobbing right beside him.

seyoon is stopped short in his escape, however, when he spots a familiar face.

kyungsoo (and his jacket too). it’s always looked a bit big on him, but this time, it seems to envelop him completely. kyungsoo looks so small, smaller than usual, even though seyoon isn’t as tall as he used to be. he looks miserable too, like he’s also dead. seyoon supposes they’ve always had that in common. he knows they’re both bad at taking care of themselves. it’s why they’ve always stuck together and looked out for each other. it’s why he has to look out for him now too. if he doesn’t, he doesn’t know who will.

“hyung,” he says, before he can think twice about it. “are you okay?”

[seyoou-blog]

noodle

“noodle? what about a noodle?”

[seyoou-blog]

(( give me an au where seyoon is a flight attendant on your muse’s intercontinental flight. your muse is tired, uncomfortable, and has been sitting in a cramped space for like 8 hours already, with 4 more to go. it’s the last meal delivery. seyoon has just spilled an entire bottle of juice on yours. // also, give me an au where seyoon and your muse do that freaky friday body switch thing. preferably if your muse is female and is on her period LMAO. i want to see a man suffer.

[seyoou-blog]

Peer into my muse's memories: Part 2

💌- A memory about an important event in my muse's life

🎀- A memory about being a child

🛍- A memory about being a teenager

🍾- A memory about being an adult

🛌- A memory about being old/on their deathbed

🎎- A memory about their parents

🎏- A memory about their siblings

💎- A precious memory they hold dear

🕯- A sad memory they would rather forget

🗑- A silly situation that still makes them laugh

🌌- A time they got to admire the beauty of nature

🌃- A time they got to admire the beauty of a city

🎞- A memory that never fails to come back to their mind, good or bad

🐉- A memory that gets them thinking

🌸- A memory about life and joy

🥀- A memory about death and grief

🌱- WILDCARD!!!

[seyoou-blog]

and when the dust of your rage settles you’re left in the dark palms pressed into your eyes wondering why you weren’t good enough

i blame myself. -jg. (via gumihc)

[seyoou-blog]

sehun ; nature republic

[seyoou-blog]

(( i’ll be abroad for the week starting today. activity on this blog will resume after my return on the 18th. a (very) small queue is set up in the meantime. \o/ see you guys again soon!

[seyoou-blog]

seyoon is seven the first time he runs away. he only makes it around the block before he turns back, too afraid to go any further and not allowed to cross the street. his mother isn’t even aware that he’d gone anywhere until the little boy rushes into her arms in tears, recalling the harrowing journey he took up the street and then back. ‘you shouldn’t ever run away from things’, she���d told him. ‘no matter how much you want to, running away never solves a problem’. 

at twenty-three, seyoon knows that his mother was just a person. people can’t always be right about things, even though as a child one doesn’t quite believe that. he used to think that his mother was right about everything, like some kind of supreme being who knew every secret of the universe, because he was always told that mothers know best. now, he knows that there was some truth to her words. running from an issue doesn’t solve it. it doesn’t solve anything, it only makes the problem fester for longer. she was right about that, but she was wrong about it not helping at all. running away won’t solve an issue, but it sure can help him pretend it isn’t even there in the first place.

he’s not even sure why he’s waited this long. 

then again, he’s been too afraid to leave his own home, too preoccupied by nightmarish fantasies that have been piling up in his head. he doesn’t want people to look at him. he doesn’t want people to say his name ever again. leaving the safety of his home only increases the risk of people doing both. his brother’s had to take coco outside everyday since the scandal broke out simply because he’s been too hesitant to even take a breath of fresh air, afraid that it’ll be tainted by everyone’s hatred. such toxic air will surely kill him, he thinks. but being inside has started to suffocate him too, and since when has he cared much about being alive anyway?

it had taken every ounce of courage he had left in him to see jinri. he’d only gone because she needed the support. she’s due to give birth any day now, after all, and with her husband away, he knows he has to be there for her. she’d been kind enough to ask her manager to stop by for him on the way. seyoon yet again felt like he’d woken up in 2016, ushered into a vehicle while disguised in a face mask and beanie in attempts to hide his identity. he wasn’t sure whether people would really care, but he cared enough for them all. it was interesting being driven around by a manager again, even if it wasn’t his own. it reminded him of his own manager, who he still wonders about from time to time. he and coco had been delivered to jinri’s place of residence along with food. later, when he wanted to go home, jinri’s manager came again to take him back. he felt like ordered chinese.

now, seyoon doesn’t know where he’s going. he just knows he has to get out and away. it’s in everyone’s best interest, he thinks, especially his own. even though running away won’t solve his problems, it’ll sure help him pretend that they weren’t even there in the first place -- and this time, he’s not turning back.