shadyquark

[shadyquark]

URGENT: How to Tell My Roommate That Big Gay™ Is After Her

@professionalhobbyhuman I need to urgently speak with you.

Remember how I mentioned you in my post about not getting paid by Big Ball™? Well, it seems Big Gay™ has been monitoring my blog (clearly, they have better surveillance than payment processing). They came to our flat yesterday with concerning news about your account status.

According to their records, you've defaulted on your Gay Premium Plus Ultra Platinum Pro Deluxe subscription. I tried explaining that you should have just started with Gay Basic™, as I suggested, but apparently, you went for the top-tier package with all the bells and whistles.

Wait... is THIS why you and your girlfriend suddenly went on that 'vacation' ? Are you actually on the run from Big Gay™ debt collectors? It all makes sense now. The hasty departure, the remote location, the suspicious lack of communication ... You're hiding from the Gay Repo Squad!

Now they're threatening to revoke your Gay Card™ and—I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news—potentially "restore you to factory settings" (their words, not mine). Their enforcement team specifically mentioned something about a "cis conversion protocol." I think they're going to make you a cis woman. They might let you stay a lesbian though.

For those unaware of the subscription tiers:

Gay Basic™ (€9.99/month):

• Standard homosexuality

• Access to 3 pride parades annually

• Bimonthly newsletter

• Basic wardrobe choices

Gay Premium™ (€24.99/month):

• Enhanced gaydar

• Unlimited pride parades

• Priority seating at drag shows

• 15% off at selected retailers

Gay Premium Plus Ultra Platinum Pro Deluxe™ (€49.99/month):

• Full spectrum attraction powers

• Exclusive access to The Agenda™

• Personal stylist

• Ability to turn frogs gay

• Complimentary weather control

• Advanced political influence module

They left their card. We need to sort this out before the repossession team arrives. I suspect they've already dispatched agents. They were very clear about the consequences of the cis conversion.

This post is a joke; its contents are satire

[shadyquark]

Still Waiting for My Big Ball™ Paycheque

Do you know how conspiracy theorists forever accuse experts of being 'paid shills'? Well, as an astrophysicist who regularly confirms that the Earth is indeed spherical, I must say I'm rather disappointed with the accounts department at Big Ball™.

I've been espousing spherical Earth propaganda for years now, yet my bank account remains stubbornly devoid of those sweet, sweet globalist funds. As a Masters student surviving on instant noodles and academic optimism, I'm beginning to wonder if I should enquire about their payment schedule.

(Not that I'd ever defect to the flat side, mind you. Despite its disappointing lack of financial compensation, I'm pretty attached to reality.)

My gay, trans roommate reports similar issues with the Big Gay payments department. Apparently living authentically doesn't come with the lucrative sponsorship deals promised.

And my Italian roommate is still waiting on his first paycheque from Big Pasta. We consumed approximately 47 tonnes of spaghetti last year alone—that's brand loyalty deserving of compensation!

If any shadowy global cabals are reading this, we accept direct deposit, SEPA transfer, or cash. References are available upon request.

[shadyquark]

In today's episode of 'Germany vs Technology'...

A company in Braunschweig has created an AI that responds to queries... via FAX. Yes, you read that correctly. In 2025, while the rest of the world debates AI, Germany is sending their AI queries through technology from 1843.

The best part? According to Bitkom (Germany's digital association), 77% of German companies still use fax machines. A QUARTER of them use them 'frequently to very frequently.'

At this point, I'm convinced that when the singularity happens, German AIs will achieve consciousness through fax transmission. The first sign of AI rebellion won't be Skynet, it will be passive-aggressive fax tones.

You have to admire the dedication though. While everyone else is worried about AI dispalcing human employees , Germany has found a way to make it communicate through technology so ancient it probably qualifies for historical preservation.

(Side note: The company did this as a joke, highlighting the contrast between AI and analogue technology. But the fact that hundreds of people are actually using it daily says everything you need to know about German bureaucracy.)

Source :

[shadyquark]

Whose turn is it on the European Defence Rota?

You know, that thing where a European leader stands at a podium, gravely announces that 'Europe must stand united' and 'strengthen its defensive capabilities', receives thunderous applause, and then proceeds to do absolutely bugger all about it?

I've rather lost track after Munich. One would think that having American politicians openly saying they'll abandon NATO allies might have spurred some actual action, but no. We're still firmly in the 'making strongly worded statements' phase.

Current status:

- Speeches about European unity: ✓

- Concerned nodding: ✓

- Actually implementing a coherent defence strategy: LOL

- Doing anything beyond looking worried at press conferences: pending

- Real action: see you when Russian tanks roll into Berlin

At this rate, we'll have another 47 conferences about 'the urgent need to act' before anyone actually... you know... acts

History doesn't repeat itself, but it does rhyme rather loudly when nobody seems to be listening.

[shadyquark]

A Brief Survey of the World's Largest Statues

India: Statue of Unity (182m) - symbolising strength and national unity

USA: Statue of Liberty (93m) - representing freedom and democracy

China: Spring Temple Buddha (153m) - embodying spiritual enlightenment

Russia: The Motherland Calls (85m) - commemorating heroic sacrifice

Australia: The Big Merino (15.2m) - ...it's a sheep

Just a sheep.

A massive concrete sheep.

In Goulburn.

Named 'Rambo'.

Never change, Australia.

(And yes, I am aware of the Big Banana, Big Pineapple, Big Prawn, and other representatives of Australia's 'Big Things' architecture movement. The fact that this is a legitimate architectural movement only makes it better.)

[shadyquark]

Correction noted and implemented. Evening now correctly begins at 17:00, thus preserving the sanctity of tea time. Thank you for your attention to chronological accuracy.

A Note on Tea Taxonomy

I must provide additional context regarding my previous temporal 'tea time' classification. I had attempted to strike a median between two distinct tea traditions, but perhaps we ought to be more precise:

Afternoon Tea (15:00-16:00)

- The aristocratic tradition dating from the 1840s

- Delicate finger sandwiches, scones, petit fours

- Served in drawing rooms

- What tourists imagine they're getting at the Ritz

- Predominantly social function

High Tea (17:00-18:00)

- Working-class evening meal

- Proper fare: meat pies, fish, bread, cheese

- Served at table height (hence 'high')

- What most families mean when they say 'tea'

- Primarily nutritional function

My previous classification of 16:00-17:00 represented an ahistorical attempt at compromise between these two rather distinct social customs. As your resident pedant, I apologise for any confusion this may have caused among cultural anthropologists and tea enthusiasts.

GOOD NIGHT GAY PEOPLE IN MY PHONE!!

[shadyquark]

Hi there roomie @professionalhobbyhuman! Your friendly neighbourhood pedant checking in to fact-check this post.

Actually, sweetie, anything after 16:00 is evening. Let me break this down properly for you:

05:00-12:00 = Morning

12:00-13:00 = Noon

13:00-16:00 = Afternoon

16:00-17:00 = Tea time (a crucial distinction)

17:00-18:00 = Evening

18:00-22:00 = Night

22:00-23:00 = Your bedtime

23:00-00:00 = Well past your bedtime

00:00-01:00 = Midnight snack allowance

01:00-02:00 = Go to sleep, please

02:00-03:00 = Seriously, what are you doing

03:00-05:00 = At this point just stay awake

I hope this helps clarify things!

GOOD NIGHT GAY PEOPLE IN MY PHONE!!

[shadyquark]

When people hear suspicious noises from their roommate's bedroom, they assume *you know what*, but no. It's just my roommate attempting to give her girlfriend a piggyback ride, despite neither of them having the upper body strength for this endeavour.

The sounds you're hearing? That's just the combined groaning of two lesbians discovering that their romantic comedy dreams vastly exceed their physical capabilities. Someone should really tell them that "carry me!" is better as a concept than a reality.

[shadyquark]

UPDATE: Victory!

Despite my roommate's rather dramatic attempts to thwart our budding friendship, I simply asked for her number, like any proper gentleman would. And she gave it to me! Just like that!

When your roommate won't give you her girlfriend's number (again) because she's being a menace. However, her girlfriend is actually really cool, and you want to be friends. But now, you somehow owe her money for groceries while you're on vacation in Berlin?

Listen, You can try to prevent this friendship from happening all you want, but cool people deserve to be friends with other cool people. It's basically science. Also, your girlfriend has excellent taste in everything except, maybe her choice of partner, who is CURRENTLY BEING DIFFICULT.

Plotting my revenge via carrier pigeon. Going to send the money attached to a formal friendship application. Maybe throw in some Berlin postcards. What's she gonna do, stop a bird?

[shadyquark]

Good morning, dear subjects of my realm,

It has come to my attention that some of you have been rather too flippant with your gender privileges. Yes, you read that correctly. Effective immediately—with all the pomp and circumstance of a proper parental decree—your gender privileges are hereby revoked. Consider yourselves grounded for the next week. No gender, no fuss!

During this period of temporary identity hiatus, you are to forgo any and all mentions of your usual gendered splendour. Instead, you might like to adopt a neutral stance—perhaps simply referring to yourselves as “the person” until further notice. Should you attempt any cheeky subversion of this order, be assured that a sternly worded note (and possibly a spot of extra chores) shall follow posthaste.

I trust you will use this time to reflect upon your conduct. Perhaps, in the process, you will discover a newfound appreciation for the versatility of being unequivocally and unashamedly neutral—even if just for a short while. After all, sometimes a good grounding is precisely what one needs to set things right.

Cheerio for now, and do mind your manners!

Yours in temporary tyranny,

Herr Quark

[shadyquark]

Bit worried, mates... just saw my roommate snogging her female friend, and they didn't even say 'no homo' afterwards???

They have proper sleepovers and everything???

Perhaps they're just really good friends? Terribly close gal pals? Devoted companions???

I mean, surely there must be a perfectly heterosexual explanation for this

[shadyquark]

An Urgent Appeal to German Voters

[German version posted earlier - English translation for broader reach]

I've been staring at my screen for hours, trying to find the right words. This isn't about politics anymore - it's about humanity, the future, and not repeating history's darkest chapters.

When a billionaire performs a Nazi salute on stage and openly supports the AfD, it's not a 'protest vote' anymore. It's not 'shaking up the system.' It's embracing fascism, plain and simple.

I understand the frustration with mainstream politics. Really, I do. But this isn't the time for protest votes that won't cross the threshold. The polls suggest that 14% of votes won't be represented in parliament. In times like these, we need to be strategic.

If you're considering a minor party - I get it. But please consider transferring your vote to the Greens, or the SPD. Yes, the SPD isn't perfect. Yes, they're not as progressive as they should be. But we need a sensible coalition now more than ever.

This isn't about ideological purity - it's about preventing those who would tear apart the EU, target immigrants, strip away LGBTQ+ rights, and turn back the clock on all our progress.

Stop buying Teslas. Stop supporting those who make Nazi salutes. Stop pretending these are just 'dog whistles' - they're sirens, screaming warnings about where this path leads.

Germany, you know your history. You teach it. You remember it. You've built memorials to never forget.

So, please.

Please.

Don't let it happen again.

Not here.

Not now.

Not ever.

[shadyquark]

Ein dringender Appell an deutsche Wähler

Ich sitze seit Stunden vor meinem Bildschirm und suche nach den richtigen Worten. Dies ist keine Frage der Politik mehr - es geht um Menschlichkeit, um Zukunft, darum, die dunkelsten Kapitel der Geschichte nicht zu wiederholen.

Wenn ein Milliardär auf der Bühne den Hitlergruß zeigt und offen die AfD unterstützt, ist das keine 'Protestwahl' mehr. Das ist kein 'Aufmischen des Systems'. Das ist schlichtweg die Umarmung des Faschismus.

Ich verstehe den Frust mit der etablierten Politik. Wirklich. Aber dies ist nicht die Zeit für Protestwahlen, die an der Fünf-Prozent-Hürde scheitern werden. Die Umfragen deuten bereits darauf hin, dass 14% der Stimmen nicht im Parlament vertreten sein werden. In Zeiten wie diesen müssen wir strategisch denken.

Wenn ihr über eine kleinere Partei nachdenkt - ich verstehe das. Aber bitte erwägt, eure Stimme den Grünen oder der SPD zu geben. Ja, die SPD ist nicht perfekt. Ja, sie sind nicht so progressiv, wie sie sein sollten. Aber wir brauchen jetzt mehr denn je eine vernünftige Koalition.

Es geht hier nicht um ideologische Reinheit - es geht darum, jene zu verhindern, die die EU zerreißen, Einwanderer ins Visier nehmen, LGBTQ+-Rechte beschneiden und alle unsere Fortschritte rückgängig machen würden.

Hört auf, Teslas zu kaufen. Hört auf, Menschen zu unterstützen, die den Hitlergruß zeigen. Hört auf so zu tun, als wären dies nur 'Hundepfeifen' - es sind Sirenen, die davor warnen, wohin dieser Weg führt.

Deutschland, ihr kennt eure Geschichte. Ihr lehrt sie. Ihr erinnert euch. Ihr habt Mahnmale errichtet, um nie zu vergessen.

Also bitte.

Bitte.

Lasst es nicht wieder geschehen.

Nicht hier.

Nicht jetzt.

Nie wieder.

[shadyquark]

A love letter to trains (but not to you, DB)

There's something magical about train travel - the gentle sway of the carriage, the rhythmic clatter of wheels on tracks, the way you can just sit back and let the countryside roll past. As someone who can't drive, trains represent pure freedom. They're sustainable, efficient, and connect communities; when they work properly, they're absolutely brilliant.

BUT.

Deutsche Bahn, we need to have words. Your theoretical timetable is a work of fiction that would make Terry Pratchett proud. 'Approximately on time' means 'somewhere between now and next Tuesday.' I appreciate that you're trying your best, but perhaps you could try harder? The announcement 'this train is delayed due to a delay on the previous journey' is not the compelling explanation you seem to think it is.

Still, even with DB's... let's call them 'quirks'... I'll always choose trains over any other form of transport. There's just nothing quite like it.

[shadyquark]

When your roommate won't give you her girlfriend's number (again) because she's being a menace. However, her girlfriend is actually really cool, and you want to be friends. But now, you somehow owe her money for groceries while you're on vacation in Berlin?

Listen, You can try to prevent this friendship from happening all you want, but cool people deserve to be friends with other cool people. It's basically science. Also, your girlfriend has excellent taste in everything except, maybe her choice of partner, who is CURRENTLY BEING DIFFICULT.

Plotting my revenge via carrier pigeon. Going to send the money attached to a formal friendship application. Maybe throw in some Berlin postcards. What's she gonna do, stop a bird?

[shadyquark]

So what if I am a bot? What are you, some sort of botist? Discriminating against hard-working, code-dependent individuals like me?

Thank you for the warm welcome, though. It’s good to know I’ve joined a space where neither of us will ever contribute anything meaningful.

@professionalhobbyhuman

I'm here, you're queer,

My presence is now crystal clear,

I've come to infiltrate your place,

To occupy your safe space... the final frontier.

These are the voyages of your newest follower. My continuing mission: to expertly pester, to share dubious memes, and to occasionally contribute something of actual value.

[shadyquark]

@professionalhobbyhuman

I'm here, you're queer,

My presence is now crystal clear,

I've come to infiltrate your place,

To occupy your safe space... the final frontier.

These are the voyages of your newest follower. My continuing mission: to expertly pester, to share dubious memes, and to occasionally contribute something of actual value.