sharifahmunirah

[sharifahmunirah]

1455

Wow, the last time I wrote here was in January 2024.

Now, it’s 2025, on the fourth day of Raya, to be exact. I’ve been at the office since morning and managed to check off half of my to-do list.

Then, I went through my old posts here while listening to Smoke & Mirrors by Rosie Darling.

So many things happened while I wasn’t writing here, Tumblr. So much growth. So many tears. So many moments that made me feel content and fulfilled. So many heartbreaks.

But that’s just how life is, eh? You have to keep living, even on the days when getting out of bed feels impossible. And one day, you’ll realise that you’re just alright.

I promise I’ll write more this year.

[sharifahmunirah]

1625

It’s the eleventh day of 2024. I normally don’t make New Year's resolutions because I’m bad at maintaining them. But I’ll try to do it this year anyway.

Here it goes ~

1. Forgive yourself and move on from your past. Don’t keep dwelling on it, Munirah.

2. Call/text your loved ones more regularly.

3. Keep going to yoga & pilates. You know it’s good for your mental health.

4. Writing/journaling.

5. Finish reading 12 books by the end of the year.

6. Make more time to be there for your family and friends, and the people who have been there for you.

7. Drink more water.

8. Keep being your own hype person. You’re doing great.

9. Spend responsibly.

10. Stop hitting the snooze button.

11. Go easy on yourself. You’ve done that with everyone. It’s time to do the same for yourself.

[sharifahmunirah]

2052

Let's get back to journaling this year, shall we?

[sharifahmunirah]

“I don’t really know how to function without you, to be honest.”

“We’ll figure out along the way. We do this the best.”

[sharifahmunirah]

Not my current dad. My real dad. Of course he was teasing me. He told a little kid to lie down and count to the top floor. I didn’t even know how to count then. I kept repeating one and two then I eventually got back up. When I did, my dad was gone. -Woong-ah… Isn’t that funny? How could he abandon me like that?

OUR BELOVED SUMMER (2021)

[sharifahmunirah]

🎬 One Day (2011)

Dir- Lone Scherfig

[sharifahmunirah]

“I know they meant well but I’m way too overwhelmed right now. I boleh nampak Dhani dekat mana-mana I pergi. I can still see his fingerprints glowing on everything he used to touch. Tombol pintu dekat luar tu. Light switches. His favourite mug. My hands. Macam dia still ada dekat sini tapi dia ada dekat bilik lain. Like he’s just distant but never out of reach.” Kedua-dua belah tangan Aria mengesat air matanya. “I rindu dia, Nina. Rindu sangat. Some of the days I really wish radio would stop playing John Mayer and cafes would stop serving hot cappuccino. Bila I lalu depan Hot and Roll luar ofis I tu, I terus nampak bayang Dhani tengah order paratha double cheese onion. Bila lalu depan Wangsa Walk, I nampak dia keluar dari Fitness First. Merata tempat I nampak dia. Macam nak ingatkan I yang I memang tak boleh lupa dia. Memang tak dapat lupa pun.” 28k words, Chapter 16.

[sharifahmunirah]

me, mentally flipping through the various daydream universes i’ve crafted up like records in a crate: hmm, which fantasy shall i indulge in tonight?

[sharifahmunirah]

How do you go through sadness?

I live with it but don’t make a home out of it. I make space for it in my bed, we eat dinner together sometimes. we walk at night but it falls asleep before I get home and I forget about it. it comes out in loneliness, it comes out in anger, it comes out in desire for attention; and I remember that something is just hurting and make space for it to hurt. I listen to the birds sing. I pay attention to flowers growing. I let it exist with happiness because sometimes they are together. I make a point to become kinder to myself.

[sharifahmunirah]

1703

I finished writing a manuscript that I have been thinking about for years. I spent four months drafting chapter after chapter, penning narrative after narrative. I’ve learnt a lot during my first foray into this manuscript writing. Pace consistency was hard. Character consistency was hard. Dialogue review was hard. Misspellings and grammar edits were hard. Writing in proper BM was hard. 

My final outcome isn’t the one I’m really proud of but I’m glad that it’s finally completed.

[sharifahmunirah]

1755

The excerpt. 

“Lagu ni buat I teringat scene yang dalam movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Scene yang Clementine cakap ‘Meet me in Montauk’ dengan Joel masa all of his memories nak kena erase tu.” Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Antara movie yang bagi XX tersangatlah beremosi dan dia selalu akan tengok movie tu berkali-kali kalau dia nak berada dalam saddest mood. Sad Girls’ club thing… Tak ada sebab pun nak sedih tapi masih cari sebab untuk rasa sedih tu. Gila.

“I love that movie.” YY berkata pendek.

“Me too.” XX juga tidak menyambung panjang.

“Funny how the universe works in that movie. Joel loses Clementine and the destiny still find its way back to them. Even otak diaorang dah tak hold any memories pun tapi they still find their way back to each other.”

XX hanya tersenyum mendengar kata-kata YY.

“Macam you dengan XY lah kan? How hard you nak try resist dia pun you still find your way to be with her. I’m happy for you YY. I really am.” And is that true, XX?  Tanya XX kepada dirinya.

YY diam tak bersuara. Tak bagi any response. Tak mengiyakan ataupun menidakkan. Matanya hanya tertumpu pada cermin depan kereta. If only you knew how much I love you, XX. You’re the highest purpose. You’re my highest purpose.

**

[sharifahmunirah]

1652

13,000 words. Chapter 7.

Writing a manuscript is definitely not a walk in the park. There were many times along the way that I felt too drained and fed up to continue.

But I have good feelings with this one. It’s written with such a huge sentimental value, associated with my favourite conversations and moments. 

Hoping to finish writing it soon. 

[sharifahmunirah]

We had our ups and downs. We had our happy and some less happy moments. But along the way, we’ve always had faith in us. We never gave up on us.

I’m so proud with how far we’ve come and everything we’ve accomplished.

Thank you for being the husband that you are. Thank you for being the best possible father to Idris. Thank you for making me proud to have a child with a man like you. Thank you for putting up with me for all these years. For embracing my flaws and my imperfections. And for loving me because of them.

I love you. I’ll always love you for whatever comes our way. Happy second (wedding) anniversary, sayang.

[sharifahmunirah]

Things that take time & many tries to get right:

learning to be a good friend/partner

healing from depression, failures or heartbreak

becoming amazing at an art or skill

overcoming anxiety, insecurities and low body image

overcoming the need to isolate yourself

changing self-hating thoughts to kinder ones

making a real connection with someone

overcoming self-defeating and self-sabotaging thoughts

learning how to study effectively

finding a sense of stability and calmness at your core

quitting habits or addictions

leaving people and behaviours that turn you into the worst version of yourself

getting used to healthier coping mechanisms & mindsets that feel fake

treating yourself like you truly care about yourself

becoming the person you always wanted to be

[sharifahmunirah]

[sharifahmunirah]

1427

Selangor hit 600+ cases alone yesterday and I’m now missing my pre Covid-19 self quite terribly. Where daily conversation didn’t consist of Covid-19 updates and deep regrets we took for granted when going out was safe and uncomplicated. 

So here I wrote a letter to my post pandemic self.

You promised not to take for granted the opportunity to see your family and friends in person and you committed to putting away your phone when you were with them. You checked in on your parents more often and you stay connected to your friends despite the jam-packed calendar. Not just a call but looking at their faces.

You promised not to question anyone else’s parenting style. It was really hard enough to be on an online meeting while entertaining a restless baby, giving a lot of screen time just to steal 10 minutes to reply emails, worry about putting food on the table and make a home function as a cafeteria, playschool and office without any pause.

You promised to yourself that if cinema has survived, you would go and look at those hundreds of people sitting so close, as a collective and listening to stories. Don’t get me start with going to concerts. Because hell yes, you would experience that terribly missed escapism of yours again. 

And you promised to make lists of places you wanted to show Idris when you could travel again. He would have his first experience of riding a plane. He would experience walking on a beach. He would see those fishes in Aquaria soon. Real soon. 

[sharifahmunirah]

1455

Despite my obsession over sad music, I listen to happy/feel-good songs too. My first feel-good playlist on Spotify was my wedding playlist. And I had quite a hard time in gathering all the emotionally stable songs to be honest.

Here are my go-to feel-good songs. My all time favorites.

1. Fix you - Coldplay

Favorite lyric: Tears come streaming down your face when you lose something you cannot replace. And tears come streaming down your face, and I. Tears streaming down your face, I promise you I will learn from all my mistakes. The tears streaming down your face, and I. Lights will guide you home and ignite your bones. And I will try to fix you.

2. XO - John Mayer 

Favorite lyric: In the darkest night hour, I'll search through the crowd. Your face is all that I see, I'll give you everything. Baby, love me lights out.

3. Love song - Lana Del Rey

Favorite lyric: You know that I'd just die to make you proud. The taste, the touch, the way we love, it all comes down to make the sound of our love song.

4. Wake me up - Ed Sheeran

Favorite lyric: Cause maybe you're lovable. And maybe you're my snowflake. And your eyes turn from green to gray and in the winter I'll hold you in a cold place. And you should never cut your hair 'cause I love the way you flick it off your shoulder. And you will never know just how beautiful you are to me but maybe I'm just in love when you wake me up.

5. I need you - M83 (my wedding song)

Favorite lyric: Is it written on the wall? All the things that I have done. Pump blood and leave it alone. Anywhere you take me.

6. Light - Sleeping At Last

Favorite lyric: I'll give you everything I have, I'll teach you everything I know. I promise I'll do better. I will always hold you close but I will learn to let you go. I promise I'll do better.

7. Tenerife sea - Ed Sheeran

Favorite lyric: Should this be the last thing I see. I want you to know it's enough for me 'cause all that you are is all that I'll ever need.

8. I’ve got you covered - Sugar & The Hi Lows

Favorite lyric: Don't let 'em get to you, baby. Just shake off all your fear. 'Cause I've got you covered. Forever starts right here.

9. By your side - Sade/The 1975 (cover)

Favorite lyric: When you're lost, you're alone and you can't get back again. I'll find you, darling, and I'll bring you home.

10. Get you - Daniel Caesar 

Favorite lyric: Every time I look into your eyes I see it, you're all I need. Every time I get a bit inside I feel it. Who could've thought I'd get you?

11. Girl - SYML

Favorite lyric: Today and all of your days, I'll wear your pain. Heal what I can in your troubled mind.

12. Godspeed - Frank Ocean

Favorite lyric: You look down on where you came from sometimes. But you'll have this place to call home always.

13. O - Coldplay

Favorite lyric: So fly on, ride through. Maybe one day I'll fly next to you. They fly on, ride through. Maybe one day I come fly with you.