sheisunleashed-blog

[sheisunleashed-blog]

..

Now i did miss a few things out...i.e how i met these guys, Brodie summer fling, living with irish people, then moving to old property managers place and then Moz place. I was literally all over the show before I moved home. But to be honest they weren’t as hard as the start was..

But the core of all this (45 mins later as I type)

 Is that GOD provided little miracles throughout this journey. It was such a blur i never noticed it. But he was watching me.. And i will never forget that. 

Let’s take a look back

- I was blessed with a great job and people, i was leasing really well and received bonuses AND a car + FREE FUEL! 

- When Brandon left me with the lease - I was able to pay for the rent. It put me back, it freaked me out, but I got there in the end through someone taking over my lease. It was illegal but it helped me and they were great, God is great.

- I was welcomed into a mentorship group - it SAVED me. It’s how i literally found my love for self development and having a growth mindset, 

- God allowed me to save money by letting me live with Michelle and my friend Moz. we were eating healthy, meal preps..slowly forming.

- Now this isn’t a miracle but it’s a circumstance that got me to NZ. So I can have a game plan and a refresher in life. Jono’s death. Need i say more..

- The JOB. I got the job ive always wanted in a place ive always wanted to live. I got to live with the Jonkers - thank you Jesus. even though it turned out weird and they didn’t support me at work, i was able to live there for free.

- My family never left me. and they support me in all i do! So blessed to have them

- Brisbane was awesome as I stayed with my brother and they lent me a car!? Amazing. 

- I found who iw as...

- Now my Aunties...

- I have found church...

-I have made a new friend..

- I have a new listing on Oceanbeach road...

- I am a new me...God is good...and there are so many more miracles and more to come and this weekend has certainly been uplifiting.

So what do I say?

Is Thank YOU Jesus!!! Onwards and upwards. 

[sheisunleashed-blog]

..

I remember sitting down on the bed with Brandon. I had texted him that morning saying we should talk when you get home..I didn’t think he would think into it as we always talk like that...but he obviously had a feeling..

He was speechless..I had packed and left that night to stay with Katie. Bran was left at home because for the first time, he realized that this was reality. He told me i wouldn’t do it - two times before..he told me that i was exaggerating...and yet now i wasn’t..

I don’t know if I can touch on every single piece of what happened but I didn;t want it to end up the way it did. He spiralled out of control. He quit his job ( he thought it was that..) which to be honest may have been a factor because i loved our relationship at the start.. But he got drunk constantly. He showed up to my work proposed, he threatened to commit suicide, he fled the country, went to bali and spent our savings, took our savings, i wanted to get my stuff, he had cleaned the house so that I could eat off the floor - he had candles EVERYWHERE and a gift for me, he wrote me 10 page letters with tickets to a dance show, he bought himself a bible, he threatened me with evil messages and emails, he was all over the place - and to be honest i dont blame him. He knew i had cheated - i said it was with Chris (and not aiden) because i wanted to talk to Aiden. He got his Aunty Kyra to convince me to go to Bali - which she somehow did - i was so emotionally messed up that i Said goodbye to her at the airport and that I am going to get my husband? It turned out wrong. We fought,. We had sex. We cried. We argued. WE were both just as lost as eachother. Resulting? No success. It was the end. And that’s all i am going to say. WHY NOW? Why when i leave he does everything i had wanted to see and wanted him to do? He left me with a 450 per week house to pay off - THIS STRESSED ME. 

So many stresses. So much money. Where was my faith? It was weak. I didn’t feel good enough... 

then BAM. December 2017 - My sister rang me. I remember it distinctively. I was suppose to go into 24 Harry Chan Avenue to do an outgoing inspection with the tenant. I got the call Jono died. I couldn’t breath or think. What else could happen? I was weak. I was still living with Brandon because we were sleeping in seperate rooms, broken up but we had a lease. Take note of the date...because that’s how long it was drawn out for (and yet longer - ill get there). I went home straaight away for the funeral. I asked my  boss if i can stay longer as my brother is getting married at the end of Jan 2018 so it made sense not to come back and then leave again (talk about expensive). She said yes. It was a refreshing time. Despite the circumstances. I remember sitting with Kitty and Leanne. We made a plan on the farm in the tent that day. to go back to Darwin, get my stuff, find a tenant, move out etc. I felt like i had purpose again. 

It was a blur when I went back. Brandon ended up moving back to NZ at the end of February 2018 - i was like thank goodness. But it left a hole. Not only in my heart but my bank account. I was stuck with the lease. An emotional rollercoaster. So what did i do to fill it? I didn’t seek God. I felt at the time He wouldn;’t love me...why? So I made it worst? I kept sleeping with Aiden and then I met Chris...oooh Chris. Aidens flatmate remember him? we slept together and we didnt stop there. Just when I thought Aiden was good. Chris was better. And he made me feel better where as Aiden just made me feel like a piece of meat...ew. iknow right.

So moving on. Chris was always a hit and miss. He was always travelling back to GC aswell. Sometimes we won’t talk for 3-4 weeks and i was trying to keep my cool...what an idiot...so I met people like Manoli, Leigh, Fitzy, slept with them too. None of them filled the void i had. Fitzy and I had coke, it was the best thing ever. Would i do it again? NEVER. I had really slipped below my values. I had lost who i was. I went out every weekend with  Bec and lewie and went home with a boy named Alex one night. We had sex in the taxi and sex at his house. It was crazy. What was wrong with me. Where did my respect go for myself? I felt dirty. So I limited myself to just Chris because i was needy for sex but didnt want to go everywhere looking for it...so i thought i was doing myself a favour by just going to him... 

Theres so much more of that but we wont go into it. 

And then fast forward (yes past Bali in July( to August 2018 - i found a mentorship group . It some what found me. But it prompted on my heart to join and so i did. Turns out its a networking group called Amway which I had no idea about. But I loved the mentorship and personal development. My mentor Liam was life saver. He guided me with his Christ like values and made me feel purposeful again. I attended conference, i attended the weekly meetings, i stopped my instagram posting of alcahol and stupid crap. I met Yianni who i thought was amazing, we went on weekly coffee dates. He made time to know me. I actually thought...is this the one’?? turns out he just wanted sex because after we had it...he barley talked to me again.. I was so hurt. I tried to brush it off...

Fast forward to January 2019 - I was home. I had met my neice for the first time. My heart was FULL. we were at church - i CRIED during songs of praise. I was LOST. i knew i needed to come home. I was so focused on getting to Brisbane..but what was going to seal the deal?  A job and support of course. I remember out of interest looking online at seek and only seeing 4 jobs available. I then I remember seeing the Ray White logo. Apparently they had never done this before but Ray White Papamoa were looking for a non experience sales person. I rang them - I talked to Nicolette and Greg through different days etc. I met with Nicolette. It felt like everything was falling into place. This was the day before I was due to leave. I remember having an awesome interview and she said well sort yourself out in Australia and then come work for us. I couldnt believe it. I went back to the park where my family was and my sister and mum cried ..my dad teared. They were so happy to help me. I have never felt so different....Life was about to change..

[sheisunleashed-blog]

Perplexed & in awe...He never left..

Now prepare yourself. Because my journey is not an easy one. It’s a blur and I need to take note before I forget. Because this journey is what grew me. This journey is what made me understand life, myself and who I am suppose to surround myself with and most importantly, this journey is what brought me back to yearning for God. 

Every bit of truth & vulnerability is about to come out. 

Let’s rewind.

It’s 6th October 2017 - . I posted a photo of instagram on this date writing “Slowly getting through this week..” Why? It’s because I broke up with Brandon earlier in the week (I believe it was a Monday). 

What actually PAINS me is yet to come..

Before this Monday..I went out in the weekend with Katie and Tamsyn. It was such a fun night. I even dressed up my best....it was that night that Brandon was looking sad and said that I better not be a slut tonight because I am dressed like one? Now. Hold the front door - it still blows my mind to think I let his insecurities take hold of me like this. But this one sentence stuck with me ALL night. 

But the attention i didn’t get from Brandon, the broken strength and persistence over the last year of trying to preserve and strengthen our relationship was one-sided, I was looking for something...and I found it. Through a boy named Aiden. He was Australian, good looking and he pursued me and i am not going to lie, i loved it. I loved having chats with him and he made me laugh which I hadn’t had in a very long time. I knew in my heard that I shouldn’t..but then I still let him add me on all my social medias. 

Now rewind even further. I only met Aiden by showing  him and his flat mate Chris a property for rent. He loved my personality and vibe he said. So he added me on facebook and straight away Brandon found out and deleted him. I thought that was the end. I didnt think anything of it because I wanted to stay faithful. But then he followed me on instagram and sent me funny messages, i started to like the attention. 

I won’t get too much into it but rewinding back again, I was messaging Aiden that night us girls went out. One thing led to another and I ended up ditching the girls at like 3am to go to an apartment he was partying at with some mates. I rang him because I was drunk and walking, he came and picked me up, then we just chatted and went back to the party. I met his mates. They seemed nice. They even had some coke. Ugh - definitely not de-valuing myself I remember thinking. He was shocked I didn’t take anything. 

We partied into the night at this apartment and had good yarns and laughs. It was so much fun. I remember he grabbed my ass and gave me hugs. It was nice to feel “wanted”. It was i think 5am when we left. we got in his car and he played Eminem and asked me if I liked him? TBH? I do. But did i know his songs? Not many..if any...

We got back to HIS apartment and he gave me some of his pyjama clothes which was nice. I knew deep down and in my gut I shouldn’t put myself in this situation and that I should leave. But I was drunk, I jumped in bed with him. We cuddled...we started kissing...and next minute we are having sex. I am on top of him riding my life away and then I said (which i cant believe I remember so distinctively) “I really shouldn’t be doing this..I never thought id cheat...but F** it feels so good”. He replied “I have wanted to have sex with you as soon as I meet you in that black ray white dress”... oh no...what had I done..

The following Sunday I had to make a lie to Tamsyn & Katie that couldn’t find me. I said I stayed at Mels in Evolution (Since it’s also close to Aidens). That was a lie. GREAT. Strike #2 in the sinbook. Aiden and I kept texting that day. I remember our friends Sam & Selina came over to watch the warriors play I think? or some sports game...I was just in bed hungover ALL dayyyy...Did i like it ? No..COuld i live with the guilt? Absolutely NOT. and then it was evident. I am fighting a losing battle. I am not going to repair a relationship when I am the only one willing to. I also can’t live with this guilt. I had to end it. and that was that.

Rewinding back even further. The monday had come - (Can i just clairfy this next part makes me SICK evening thinking back...and I don’t think it will stop till i say I moved in with Moz but bear with me,..) 

[sheisunleashed-blog]

The New Chapter

It’s 6:50pm. I am in my warm pyjamas with a face full of  make up still and I can hear my Aunty in the kitchen banging around pots and pans - probably making dinner..who knows. 

I have had a full weekend at the Curate Conference...

I know right.. it’s a Sunday church.. I’m still trying to figure that part out but what I have realized is that any relationship with God is special. It doesn’t matter where you worship, as long as your giving Him your all.

I felt so uplifted from this weekend. Last night we learnt about NEW. What NEW are we going to do with our lives, with our church? today we learnt to be ONE. One with the Lord and as a collective church. My brain actually hurts from it all so that’s just a small glimpse into it. 

But what resonated with me the most? What really struck my heart, made me tear up and raise my hands to God? Was the words we sung at Praise & Worship and that was ..

“Through the PAIN, I will NEVER forsaken you.”

That’s moved mountains in my heart and mind. It really made me think about the past two years of a rollercoaster in my life. But i’ve never noted it down. I have never talked about it with ANYONE from start right until finish. I never saw the tiny miracles through each situation of the journey.

So now is the time..Now is my time to share so I can remember and know that God never did forsaken me. He was truly always there.

So here is the novel... (next post)