sheusedtobesposts

[sheusedtobesposts]

and so

Today is different, because I've pulled myself from the deep fear that lives within me. There's a bright side. Through everything in my experience, I fought...and I won. Pat on the back.

It's still difficult, and I suppose this effects my day to day. Some days I'm sharp, focused, centered, happy. Other days feel like an unescapable prison. I'm not sure why, because I made it through to the other side. Perhaps brushing up on defense skill can help put this to bed.

Thoughts of today are just like most days. A jumbled mess. Why are intimate relationships the way they are? Side note, why are sex wars? Shouldn't we chill on that for the better of humanity? or do we all just not care like everything else we ignore in this country. Why are marketing professionals allowed to falsely advertise the nutrition content in our food? Why is media controlled? Why do we lay down and continue to allow other basic ass humans to indirectly ruin our livelihood? What causes are in the works to destroy these issues? Could there be a change without serious consequences? There's always someone with more money, and more power. Torture, maltreatment, and homicide is legal...as long as you have the means. I suppose I sound super 'conspiracy theorist' right now, but unfortunately there's not much to speculate outside of the truth I've already uncovered.

The sex wars literally make me laugh, and I just hope that maturity surfaces above all else. Why bring each other down when we're already fighting for so many necessities in survival...ever heard of respect? No, that would be too nice...too naive. Sarcasm obviously. It couldn't hurt to swallow our pride and ego and forgive the damage that has been done. Allow good men to maintain the patriarchy....women should stop selling their bodies and stop raising more of the problem.

Are we evolving away from emotion? Empathy? Love?

Until next time.

[sheusedtobesposts]

It's a jumbled mess

To tell the story, I'll more than likely have to start from forever ago. What if we just don't go there. I'd like to start blogging with no context, from a truly jumbled mind. A shared diary, between you and I. Most people wouldn't leave their unfiltered thoughts on the very traceable internet, but maybe in some sick way, I'm hoping to be noticed.

I'm not sure where to begin here. My mind, or the mind, is a very confusing, dark place. That being said, I'm probably one of the 'laughing stock' crowd members compared to what's out there. I don't think I even rank on a scale of 1 to certifiably insane. I've tried to ask for insanity, I think. I've basically lost what I'd consider 'my shit' and brought it back all over again. I've seen multiple doctors during this time frame, and so far, not one has sent me to the grippy sock house....even when I directly asked to go. I don't believe I truly want to go, but I do believe life gets to be unbearable. Which, truthfully I don't know how long I'd survive under worse circumstances...probably longer. I've read multiple horror stories written by abuse victims...at-least in their world they knew and could recognize the threat...low and behold, their abuser. They may not have known what would come of the abusive sessions....but at least they knew what to expect. One of my theories, is that the unexpected can be more horrifying than the actual incidents, or abuse. Who am I to even have theories though?

Let's walk through a day in the life. When I wake up, there's an eery awareness that I previously took comfort in. Now it's here and I want it gone. I am unsure how to embrace it...given what I know. I'm not sure if everyone reaches this conclusion, or what they go through to swallow the big pill of humanity, and human nature. BTK type shit. How have I survived so many years without knowing this side of humanity? Have I always known, but decided nah, not in my world. I suppose so. What a wild ride. Now that I'm older I feel as if I'm taking it more personal. It's closer. I only have myself to protect myself. Which leads me into extreme isolation. Who can you trust, when you can't trust anyone? Is that it? do we just accept it and act as if we are completely unaware of what things could be? Where are people willing to discuss these things? Why are truths so uncomfortable? I suppose this isolation has led me here. To Tumblr. A dangerous game of Russian roulette, as I'm now pretending this very public social site is a safe space. Why do we do that? Why do I do that?