shingekinomyfeelings

[shingekinomyfeelings]

Weep not, friends, for I have much more information to dump on you about Vega (and that Reiner guy)!

Note that in this timeline, cadet training starts a little bit later and lasts four years, giving plenty of time for even more interpersonal dramas of the type I thrive upon

And what drama it is!

As well all of course know from my sloppy summarizations of Vega's early life, Vega as a cadet is still struggling to see herself as anything more than the girl who was never what anyone wanted her to be, and thinks the only way to find meaning is in service to humanity in some form or another, namely in meticulously writing down everything she learned from Oma in the form of the journals replicating Oma's, as a means of keeping her people from truly becoming extinct and as a sort of penance for her survivor's guilt. Common knowledge, in fact. So...

By second year, as Vega is becoming closer to the other top 10 crowd and a LOT closer with Reiner, the journals have become something everyone accepts as an eccentric hobby - what do you expect anyway from a girl who idolizes Hanji Zoe? Armin is the first to get a sense that the journals are less of a passion project and more of a coping mechanism, and maybe a little unhealthy, but he's reluctant to say anything.

Reiner starts to notice in conjunction with other habits that have slowly become worrying. She has very little regard for her wellbeing in pursuit of knowledge or skill; she can be incredibly reckless in honing her ability to take on titans; she's often alarmingly flippant about putting herself in danger. She talks about her village and its destruction in a casual way that borders on dissociation. She doesn't let herself feel anger or healthy grief, and covers up distress with jokes. When the cadets drink and talk about meeting up together when they're older, or entertaining the dream of defeating the titans entirely, she makes quips about likely being eaten a few months after joining the Survey Corps, and over time Reiner realizes that they're not exactly jokes, and that Vega simply doesn't see an actual future past graduating and going on a few expeditions outside the walls.

Moreover, she pours so much of herself into those stupid journals. When not actively training, she's usually either exhausting herself volunteering for Hanji in any ridiculous way possible or scribbling away in a journal. She's more than willing to endanger herself to keep one journal from being destroyed, and she's increasingly frantic and frustrated as she finds she's written down pretty much all she can remember, but has only recorded a fraction of Oma's lessons. She was a young child during so many of those lessons, and a lot of years have passed, and there's no way she can remember all of it.

As year three draws on, it becomes more clear that 'finishing' the journals is a kind of obsessive obligation she's put on herself. The tipping point is her admitting in her weird emotionally detached way that she's really hoped to finish the journals before graduation, so she can finish out her life getting to go outside the walls, see the forests where she grew up again, or even make it past Wall Maria, and go down fighting titans in the name of furthering humanity's knowledge about them.

Needless to say, Reiner finds it pretty disturbing that she's measuring both her lifespan and its value by writing down herbal remedies and esoteric weird shit to her own detriment because she thinks it'll finally make her what a bunch of long-dead people wanted her to be.

He's a little fucked up by the fact that he's not even so different, ass deep in this mission that's had a horrible toll on him and his friends and that none of them want to finish carrying out, all because he hoped that becoming a Warrior would bring him a happy family that really treasures him. There's no way he can tell her that, of course.

He's a little pissed off at the unfair reality that on this island and in the world beyond, children are always being saddled with expectations that slowly destroy them by the adults they just want to be loved and valued by. He's a little pissed off that even though Vega already is loved and valued, by him, she still can't fully understand or believe it, because of treatment by people who aren't in her life anymore.

So in a big emotionally charged semi-confrontation (which I'm realizing definitely echoes Ymir and Historia's), he just sort of begs her to stop living for dead people who didn't value her and that even if they're ultimately going to join the Survey Corps and die a few months later, she should at least spend that time living for herself, and sorta goes 'I really want to share whatever time we have left together, and I want you with me, but whichever way it goes, please just let yourself WANT your life, and even if you think it'd be selfish of you, then just let yourself be selfish, okay?'

And like, up until now their relationship has been pretty soft and cutesy, but now Vega's both totally wildly taken aback and like

This ends up marking their relationship becoming a lot deeper and more emotionally open and intimate and both of them really trying to find some kind of happiness together with however many years they have left.

[shingekinomyfeelings]

[shingekinomyfeelings]

good smut is really a character study and that is final. i need it to be about vulnerability i need it to be about trust or lack thereof and most of all i need it to be emotional agony. thats what sex is for

[shingekinomyfeelings]

people have said good things about you behind your back, without your knowledge. people have shared their love for you with others.

[shingekinomyfeelings]

trauma drama part 1

a closer look at the bullying incident where Vega maimed a kid

trauma drama part 2

where this obsession with the journals leads, and Vega and Reiner's relationship becomes a much deeper emotional bond in year 3 of training

I realize my Vega posts and their additions at this point are completely disorganized and confusing and also that they have an audience of zero, but I'm gonna try to compile them in a way that makes some semblance of sense or a cohesive timeline

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How much aura points do I lose if I admit I’ve been almost crying over this TikTok for 2 days now?

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Tumblr isn't even letting me know anymore when I get new followers. I don't know where you all came from. At least only two of you were porn bots.

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somehow me after writing that Vega post

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Reiner has really dismantled all her emotional defenses at this point, without having set out to do so, and even though he can't tell her the truth about pretty much anything, he finds a lot of emotional healing with her, which makes his inevitable act of turning into a titan and grabbing Eren and running like a dick with a stolen handbag a massive blow to Vega. Things uhhh get worse from there.

Weep not, friends, for I have much more information to dump on you about Vega (and that Reiner guy)!

Note that in this timeline, cadet training starts a little bit later and lasts four years, giving plenty of time for even more interpersonal dramas of the type I thrive upon

And what drama it is!

As well all of course know from my sloppy summarizations of Vega's early life, Vega as a cadet is still struggling to see herself as anything more than the girl who was never what anyone wanted her to be, and thinks the only way to find meaning is in service to humanity in some form or another, namely in meticulously writing down everything she learned from Oma in the form of the journals replicating Oma's, as a means of keeping her people from truly becoming extinct and as a sort of penance for her survivor's guilt. Common knowledge, in fact. So...

By second year, as Vega is becoming closer to the other top 10 crowd and a LOT closer with Reiner, the journals have become something everyone accepts as an eccentric hobby - what do you expect anyway from a girl who idolizes Hanji Zoe? Armin is the first to get a sense that the journals are less of a passion project and more of a coping mechanism, and maybe a little unhealthy, but he's reluctant to say anything.

Reiner starts to notice in conjunction with other habits that have slowly become worrying. She has very little regard for her wellbeing in pursuit of knowledge or skill; she can be incredibly reckless in honing her ability to take on titans; she's often alarmingly flippant about putting herself in danger. She talks about her village and its destruction in a casual way that borders on dissociation. She doesn't let herself feel anger or healthy grief, and covers up distress with jokes. When the cadets drink and talk about meeting up together when they're older, or entertaining the dream of defeating the titans entirely, she makes quips about likely being eaten a few months after joining the Survey Corps, and over time Reiner realizes that they're not exactly jokes, and that Vega simply doesn't see an actual future past graduating and going on a few expeditions outside the walls.

Moreover, she pours so much of herself into those stupid journals. When not actively training, she's usually either exhausting herself volunteering for Hanji in any ridiculous way possible or scribbling away in a journal. She's more than willing to endanger herself to keep one journal from being destroyed, and she's increasingly frantic and frustrated as she finds she's written down pretty much all she can remember, but has only recorded a fraction of Oma's lessons. She was a young child during so many of those lessons, and a lot of years have passed, and there's no way she can remember all of it.

As year three draws on, it becomes more clear that 'finishing' the journals is a kind of obsessive obligation she's put on herself. The tipping point is her admitting in her weird emotionally detached way that she's really hoped to finish the journals before graduation, so she can finish out her life getting to go outside the walls, see the forests where she grew up again, or even make it past Wall Maria, and go down fighting titans in the name of furthering humanity's knowledge about them.

Needless to say, Reiner finds it pretty disturbing that she's measuring both her lifespan and its value by writing down herbal remedies and esoteric weird shit to her own detriment because she thinks it'll finally make her what a bunch of long-dead people wanted her to be.

He's a little fucked up by the fact that he's not even so different, ass deep in this mission that's had a horrible toll on him and his friends and that none of them want to finish carrying out, all because he hoped that becoming a Warrior would bring him a happy family that really treasures him. There's no way he can tell her that, of course.

He's a little pissed off at the unfair reality that on this island and in the world beyond, children are always being saddled with expectations that slowly destroy them by the adults they just want to be loved and valued by. He's a little pissed off that even though Vega already is loved and valued, by him, she still can't fully understand or believe it, because of treatment by people who aren't in her life anymore.

So in a big emotionally charged semi-confrontation (which I'm realizing definitely echoes Ymir and Historia's), he just sort of begs her to stop living for dead people who didn't value her and that even if they're ultimately going to join the Survey Corps and die a few months later, she should at least spend that time living for herself, and sorta goes 'I really want to share whatever time we have left together, and I want you with me, but whichever way it goes, please just let yourself WANT your life, and even if you think it'd be selfish of you, then just let yourself be selfish, okay?'

And like, up until now their relationship has been pretty soft and cutesy, but now Vega's both totally wildly taken aback and like

This ends up marking their relationship becoming a lot deeper and more emotionally open and intimate and both of them really trying to find some kind of happiness together with however many years they have left.

[shingekinomyfeelings]

Weep not, friends, for I have much more information to dump on you about Vega (and that Reiner guy)!

Note that in this timeline, cadet training starts a little bit later and lasts four years, giving plenty of time for even more interpersonal dramas of the type I thrive upon

And what drama it is!

As well all of course know from my sloppy summarizations of Vega's early life, Vega as a cadet is still struggling to see herself as anything more than the girl who was never what anyone wanted her to be, and thinks the only way to find meaning is in service to humanity in some form or another, namely in meticulously writing down everything she learned from Oma in the form of the journals replicating Oma's, as a means of keeping her people from truly becoming extinct and as a sort of penance for her survivor's guilt. Common knowledge, in fact. So...

By second year, as Vega is becoming closer to the other top 10 crowd and a LOT closer with Reiner, the journals have become something everyone accepts as an eccentric hobby - what do you expect anyway from a girl who idolizes Hanji Zoe? Armin is the first to get a sense that the journals are less of a passion project and more of a coping mechanism, and maybe a little unhealthy, but he's reluctant to say anything.

Reiner starts to notice in conjunction with other habits that have slowly become worrying. She has very little regard for her wellbeing in pursuit of knowledge or skill; she can be incredibly reckless in honing her ability to take on titans; she's often alarmingly flippant about putting herself in danger. She talks about her village and its destruction in a casual way that borders on dissociation. She doesn't let herself feel anger or healthy grief, and covers up distress with jokes. When the cadets drink and talk about meeting up together when they're older, or entertaining the dream of defeating the titans entirely, she makes quips about likely being eaten a few months after joining the Survey Corps, and over time Reiner realizes that they're not exactly jokes, and that Vega simply doesn't see an actual future past graduating and going on a few expeditions outside the walls.

Moreover, she pours so much of herself into those stupid journals. When not actively training, she's usually either exhausting herself volunteering for Hanji in any ridiculous way possible or scribbling away in a journal. She's more than willing to endanger herself to keep one journal from being destroyed, and she's increasingly frantic and frustrated as she finds she's written down pretty much all she can remember, but has only recorded a fraction of Oma's lessons. She was a young child during so many of those lessons, and a lot of years have passed, and there's no way she can remember all of it.

As year three draws on, it becomes more clear that 'finishing' the journals is a kind of obsessive obligation she's put on herself. The tipping point is her admitting in her weird emotionally detached way that she's really hoped to finish the journals before graduation, so she can finish out her life getting to go outside the walls, see the forests where she grew up again, or even make it past Wall Maria, and go down fighting titans in the name of furthering humanity's knowledge about them.

Needless to say, Reiner finds it pretty disturbing that she's measuring both her lifespan and its value by writing down herbal remedies and esoteric weird shit to her own detriment because she thinks it'll finally make her what a bunch of long-dead people wanted her to be.

He's a little fucked up by the fact that he's not even so different, ass deep in this mission that's had a horrible toll on him and his friends and that none of them want to finish carrying out, all because he hoped that becoming a Warrior would bring him a happy family that really treasures him. There's no way he can tell her that, of course.

He's a little pissed off at the unfair reality that on this island and in the world beyond, children are always being saddled with expectations that slowly destroy them by the adults they just want to be loved and valued by. He's a little pissed off that even though Vega already is loved and valued, by him, she still can't fully understand or believe it, because of treatment by people who aren't in her life anymore.

So in a big emotionally charged semi-confrontation (which I'm realizing definitely echoes Ymir and Historia's), he just sort of begs her to stop living for dead people who didn't value her and that even if they're ultimately going to join the Survey Corps and die a few months later, she should at least spend that time living for herself, and sorta goes 'I really want to share whatever time we have left together, and I want you with me, but whichever way it goes, please just let yourself WANT your life, and even if you think it'd be selfish of you, then just let yourself be selfish, okay?'

And like, up until now their relationship has been pretty soft and cutesy, but now Vega's both totally wildly taken aback and like

This ends up marking their relationship becoming a lot deeper and more emotionally open and intimate and both of them really trying to find some kind of happiness together with however many years they have left.

[shingekinomyfeelings]

During this rewatch I'm also kind of figuring out how bits of the timeline differ in my AU with Vega. As a trusted protege of Hanji's, she was part of the team that participated in the Raid on Stohess district, so she missed out on all the drama at Utgard Castle, arriving with the rest of the Survey Corps to rescue Reiner, Bert, Connie, Hisu, and Ymir after the tower collapses. Since this means she's with them when everyone scales the wall, that would push Reiner's awkward titan reveal to someplace later, because I can't see him making that decision with his partner right there.

My idea for a while has been that Vega was omitted from the meeting where Hanji told everyone her suspicions about Bert and Reiner (Jean actually wasn't there either for some reason) as people would have been well aware of Vega's relationship with him; Hanji knows her theory won't be met well, and then the others keep Vega in the dark about it until Reiner's dramatic reveal, both out of a hope that maybe they're wrong, and a fear that if Vega knows, she'll let her emotions get in the way of the mission. So when Reiner does suddenly transform and steal Eren like a dipshit, she's completely blindsided. It doesn't escape her attention that Eren and the others seem to have been prepared for this, though, and learning that everyone kept this from her starts a bit of a rift between Vega and her friends - and between her and Hanji as well - which definitely complicates things later and, along with Reiner's bs, gradually pushes Vega back into emotionally isolating herself, but this time without the intense passiveness and with a lot more anger boiling just below the surface.

[shingekinomyfeelings]

Going back to my thoughts about Reiner's 'warrior vs soldier' personas, I feel like this episode is good confirmation that Warrior!Reiner isn't actually a separate "evil/cruel/ragey violent" person and still cares deeply even when he's not in a dissociative amnesia state. When he's telling Connie there's no way he just heard that titan speak, he's obviously trying to distract Connie from putting too much together because he knows perfectly well what's happening, and simultaneously feeling horrible guilt and sorrow about the situation. His voice and body language are anguished, and he can't even look Connie in the eye.

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It's really a shame more of the 'supporting' main characters didn't get more focus episodes, because Sasha's was good and damn it I wanna see more about the others.

[shingekinomyfeelings]

RAT GALA

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When it was discovered that Zalim (ironically meaning, cruel) was in the company of two very young cubs, those at Ranthambore feared the worst: that, as an adult male, he would kill them. Instead, he surprised naturalists with his “motherly” behavior when he took in his twin daughters following the death of their mother.

At this time, science stated that tigers were only as social as mothers and cubs could go and that tiger fathers rarely interacted with their offspring. Zalim changed that when he was witnessed, month after month, caring for his daughters and teaching them how to hunt. Their relationship eventually ceased when the two girls were shifted to Sariska Tiger Reserve and Zalim went on to father another litter with the then-dominant tigress Sundari, the so-called Lady of the Lakes. When she too mysteriously disappeared, Zalim unsurprisingly took care of their cubs as well.

Ranthambore National Park, India Photograph taken via camera trap

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Illustration by Sophie Lucido Johnson

[shingekinomyfeelings]