shitengine

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I love my friends :)

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to hate the feeling of being right, shit id say

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Im going to miss u.

Always know u have a special place in my heart.

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no matter whatever shit u went through, one mistake will invalidate it all

i just want this to be over.

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there would be really times when u would just want to slit your throat and hate sobriety.

im talking about now.

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umuwi si mama ngayon linggo ng bandang alas otso. pangalawang uwi niya na yun dahil pabalik balik siya sa eskuwelahan para mag asikaso ng mga gampanin para sa eleksyon. tuwing eleksyon kasi, umuupong chairman si mama. may onoraryum na ibinibigay, dagdag pantustos sa bahay.

pag uwi, inasikaso pa ang kapatid kong maghapong nagbabad sa tubig. lumabas uli para tumingin ng kung ano man, may pasalubong pa sa aking creamer ng kape dahil alam niyang ayaw ko ng 3in1. habang nag aasikaso ng sarili, mayat maya niyang hawak ang telepono kasasagot ng mga tawag ng iba pang guro para bukas.

ngayon, sinusubukan na niyang matulog dahil alas dos ng madaling araw ang call time niya sa school. hindi na nga madali ang trabaho, makakaltasan pa ng tax ang kung magkanong matatanggap niya sa higat bente kwarto oras na pag upo sa eleksyon. dagdag pa dito ang init, pagod at stress na kailangan niyang tiisin.

sa ngayon, galit pa rin ang nararamdaman ko sa lahat ng hirap na dinaranas ng bawat guro, ina, na nagsasakripisyo ng oras, para sa magaganap na bukas. ngunit hindi ko araw ito, araw ito ng mama ko.

hindi ko niroromantisa ang hirap na pinagdadaanan ni mama. dahil galit ako, galit sa systemang hindi patas at pantay. hindi swerte ang buhay namin, ang buhay ko. ngunit dahil sa mama ko, may rason ako na patuloy na lumaban at mabuhay. dahil nararapat sa mama ko ang malaya at masayang buhay.

maligayang araw ng mga ina sa nagsisilbing inspirasyon ko sa buhay. marapat na ipagdiwang ang iyong tapang sa araw-araw. mahal kita sa bawat pagkakataon!

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I fucking feel so fucking

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Things are getting out of hand. Its coming back to me.

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I fucked and I can't get out of this mess.

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NGL I can say that today is one of the best days of my life.

Gieno and I have been dating for more than 5 years, going 6 years if we are to count the time that he started liking me.

As what he have said, everything was just a mere chance - one small decision made during that time can change what we are, forever.

I have plans on buying books somewhere after class but I was so sleepy that day. That can only be the reason why I went to the university's chapel instead of playing dota. I was looking for a place to sleep when he lifted his hanky from his head. He was also trying to sleep because he attended their overnight thesis session. That's where it started.

During that time, i never knew he was the one. All I know about him is that, he had a girlfriend same of his age but they've recently broke up, he's on his third year, and that we play the same computer game.

I can't recall the details of what we have talked about, all I know is that I met him at noon and it was almost past five when we ended. Weird because I never knew we had so much similarity.

It wasn't special at all, it just felt so comfortable - like being on the beach while the waves are crashing, like the sundays I had when my mom and dad would dance their day away, like the collection of books that I would religiously read at night before I go to bed; he felt home. But after that time it was over.

I never thought that after that conversation, we'll be a lot closer. It's always a coincidence but we would always play at the same time at the same place. We would always team up even though I'm so bad at what I do. He even tried to coach me but every time I would ask him, he'll lose focus and its either we both die or we lose.

I am never proud of how I played because I know I suck at it. It's just that, when I play, I am free. No one to please, no one to listen to. That's why I hated playing with others. Because they always made me feel that I don't belong. But he always wanted to play with me, as if he's enjoying every game - win or lose.

Don't get me wrong, nothing special was really going on. Since every after game, we would part ways. I don't know how his day ends, same as mine. Until such time that we started texting, calling if I'm too lazy to type. Something I do with everyone else.

But after some time of constant messages, he went aloof. He wouldn't play with me, he would literally take the long route just for us not to meet. I was frustrated because I haven't done anything wrong but he kept on ignoring me. During that time, I thought it was because I am so bad at playing that he don't what to play with me anymore.

Who knows what happened but I just let him be. After all we just play the same game for fun. I wouldn't mind losing someone as I am used to it. BUT, one fucking night he told me he will tell me something but I needed to be home first. So i had to rush going home from school because I thought it was emergency or he might be needing my help.

To make it short, he confessed. He's started to like me and the universe knows how much I was shocked. But he said that I don't need to reciprocate the feeling because he just wanted to be honest with me and that he will try to lose those feelings so that I won't get involved. Since I don't like him I said I'm fine with it, after all I have always been so straightforward with people. But he said that if he's still feeling the same for me after a year, he'll pursue me.

Now that's the only thing that I really wanted to share. I know we are not even relevant. But I really love this bit of our story. I never liked him at first, i was just comfortable. And I never expected that this comfort would go into something as big as this. He became my bestfriend, partner and my future.

I know this is way too cheesy but the reason I am here is because of his recent post. He was never like that, he wouldn't even post his own picture. But he surprised me. He woke me up with a kiss and when I checked my phone my face and his words are all over me.

I'm so happy.

Now the reason I am here is because he is still working and I really miss him in bed. I do hope that his work would soon be over so that I can hug him. Until we fell asleep. Just like how we wished to do before everything started. On that chapel, on that day, on that instance.

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welp something doesn't feel right

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Hello.

I hope that everyone's safe and healthy. I have been missing my friends lately but this pandemic is still being an ass. I hope that Patrick's enjoying his switch games, Monica's business' doing good, Diana will be able meet kog soon, Gela's enjoying and thriving with her job, Aaron's doing his yoga daily, and Bremel enjoying his 22nd birthday. I also hope that Kookai's still being able to wear her thigh high boots and unique dresses during this endless quarantine.

I just miss everyone. I hope to see them soon. Liquor can really make you sentimental. 9-13.

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This current situation made me feel how fucked my life is right now. I have realized that I really want to move out and be on my own. I want a restart. I'm so sick of this. It has been 2 years since I graduated and I can't still sort my life. My frustration is fucking killing me.

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I never taught that a person I've met for a short period would make this huge impact that I think will last forever, if not 'til the day I die.

Days from now will be the second year since you left. Honestly, I feel weird up until now. We were never close, never friends, we were strangers up until that moment we spent hours talking about you til the morning greeted us and yet here I am, still in pain from what you did.

I don't know what we were. If we're friends or mere strangers but whatever we had, I'm happy that for once I became part of your story. Thank you but until now, I'd still want to ask, why did you leave?

You left me with queries without any hope of figuring out the answer. But I'm longing for it and I need it. Because your absence will never be enough for all the questions you left. And you leave us no choice but to wonder, and it's sad 'cause it keeps on getting worse.

Teo, you broke me and as much as I want to hate you for leaving us, I can't. Because I learned to love you after that one night that we shared together. Up until now, I am clinging to that memory hoping that it wasn't the last. But it was.

This isn't just sadness, this is guilt, pain, and sorrow. I could have helped you if only you waited longer. I am more than willing to listen even though you think it does not matter. But for me, it does because you always matter.

I'm sorry for not being there when you needed a stranger. I am sorry for not being able to stop you from what you planned to do. I'm sorry for not seeing you through your facade. I am sorry for not being enough during that time.

I miss you, everyone does.

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It’s been a while

I don’t know how to start this so maybe just by typing what has been running in my mind. 2018 wasn’t my year to be honest, there is a lot more reason to why I stopped writing but that is the most summarized phrase to describe why. I’m planning to do a writing about it but maybe not now. Not cool to relieve your traumas and frustrations on a Sunday morning, you think so, right?

I’m still frustrated but in a different level than before. I can handle things a lot better now. Still not that perfect but a lot better. I’ve got so much in my plate right now. Career wise, I am currently dealing with a major factor, I just can’t discuss it right now. My family’s not in a good state too. With my friends, I don’t get to see them right now but I hope things are going great with them. And with my boyfriend, we’re about to deal with a lot of challenges. But don’t get me wrong, we’re doing great! Its just that, as our relationship grow, problems and challenges grow with them as well.

I want to share everything that has been running in my mind. However, dawn’s about to break, I am getting hungry but not sleepy at all. I’ll try to sleep, I want to enjoy every bit of second I spend with my boyfriend. Sometimes I feel weird for being too sweet but then I’d rather be this that to be what I’ve been this past few months. I know it getting hard for you to understand what I am trying to say. I will tell you everything, some other time maybe.

And by the way, my boyfriend and I have been talking about marriage more often. Actually, I don’t care how it will be, the only thing that matters for me is that it’s him that I’m marrying, aside from that I’m good.

I guess this is enough for a “comeback note”. I don’t know what its called but that thing you write for the first time in a long time. Is this getting weird? I don’t know. Maybe I should stop and end it here. Feels good to finally be able to express yourself again.

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Daylily // Movements

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Save yourself, I'm not worth the time

This failure is built deep into my design 

Is there something wrong with me?

This doubt is deafening

Cause you were gold but I'm color blind