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[shplottwist]

I feel like Con O'Neill is so ready to play a much more slutty Izzy and frankly I'm ready for it, too.

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Last night my brain saw fit to throw me a fic prompt via dreams.

A canon era AU where the rift between Ed and Izzy reaches a fever pitch before Stede leaves Barbados. Maybe Ed's just really done being Blackbeard and knows he can't move on with Izzy at his heels, expecting things he can't give. Or maybe Izzy tires of Ed's disinterest and flagrant risk taking.

Whatever the circumstances, Izzy leaves the Queen Anne's Revenge in Barbados without much of a plan. He's about to break one of his cardinal rules by getting absolutely pissed beyond reason at a shit pub when he hears about some rich ponce who's setting sail on a brand new ship. Even though he's deep in his cups, an idea starts to form. One that would allow Izzy his own command within a matter of months, almost guaranteed.

Izzy spends some time doing recon because he's nothing if not thorough. He sees the man, an uptight rich twat type if he does say so himself, with endless resources and zero know-how. The thought of having to call the man Captain, even for a short while, makes him green about the gills but needs must.

The ship, at least, is new and beautiful and Izzy figures it wouldn't take long until he can call her his own.

First, he needs to get hired so he puts on his best genial expression and makes his introduction. Whatever he was expecting, the guy is even worse. He is a rich ponce, and a twat, but worst of all he's fucking cheery. He's also, inconveniently, maybe just a little good looking. He's not Izzy's type, of course not, but his eye is immediately drawn to a very well fitted waistcoat embracing what looks to be a lovely chest indeed. And well, it's been a while and Izzy's not fucking dead, okay? He can ogle someone here and there, he's a fucking pirate for fucks sake.

Anyway, it takes nothing more than an introduction for Stede Bonnet to hire him and he's first mate again by his first afternoon.

Stede's inexperience and attitude grate something fierce at Izzy's patience, and he snaps at him twice in as many days so he isn't surprised when he's asked to the Captain's quarters. He's expecting a flogging, or perhaps an old fashioned beating, but instead he finds himself presented with a cup of tea, in a fine china cup and saucer no less, while Stede attempts to talk it through. Izzy makes a mental pact with himself to be on his best fucking behavior. The sooner Stede lets down his guard, the sooner Izzy can strike.

He hates the bastard a bit, and he can't help but remind him of that sometimes, but he's also got some balls on him Izzy has to admit. And the tea is always, begrudgingly, fantastic.

With time, Stede starts asking Izzy to teach him the ropes and Izzy finally gives in, if for no other reason than it ups their general chance of surviving long enough for him to stage a mutiny.

Stede, though, is ever a surprise. He's strong for someone who has led a life of luxury, and he does have a passion for the work, though he's still fucking squeamish which drives Izzy fucking mad.

Before Izzy knows it, they've been at it a few months and Stede's getting competent. They're even starting to work well together, not that he'd admit it on pain of fucking death. Sometimes, he even has a drink with Stede, who insists that Izzy call him Stede when they're not on deck instead of Captain or boss, in the evening. It's nice and Izzy hasn't thought of mutiny in any real way in days.

It bothers him, but he's distracted enough with a green crew and a green Captain that he doesn't even realize he's started to enjoy himself until he spots an awfully familiar black dot in the distance.

Fuck.

Before long, the Queen Anne's Revenge is running up on The Revenge and Blackbeard himself is boarding, all skintight leather and cocky swagger (fuck, he's gorgeous), and Stede, who should be shaking in his ridiculous heels, instead looks at Blackbeard, at Ed, with hearts in his eyes as if he'd hung the stars himself. Izzy can relate but this development makes something strange and hot churn in his belly and he doesn't like that shit one bit.

It turns out that Ed had heard tell of a Gentleman Pirate and was intrigued, of course he was, but was quite surprised to find out that the gentleman's first mate was someone familiar.

Queue Ed and Stede being weird and romantic, and falling in love while Izzy loses his mind watching his first love and his new something become a thing.

Queue Ed and Stede bonding over shared interests, one of which happens to be their first mate and how they might just be a little smitten with him.

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someone sends Izzy a black spot

It's a joke, you see. Just a harmless joke, started by the crew after one too many tirades from Izzy about mis-tied knots or wasting the last of the lime juice on cocktails, something like that. Whatever it is, whatever it is that starts the chain of events, it's just a joke.

Izzy was never good with jokes.

someone sends Izzy a black spot. He finds it pinned to his cabin door one morning after finishing up on the watch, aiming to catch a couple of hours of shut-eye before returning to duty.

He doesn't sleep a wink. Not then, not for the next three nights.

Izzy knows what the spot means. He's not a superstitious man, but this isn't superstition. He's sailed long enough to know what this means, what it does to a man, a crew, a ship. This is warning. This is a threat. This is a death sentence.

It's only a joke. Izzy doesn't do jokes.

The second black spot, he finds in the same place. This time, there are a few words as well. It should help narrow things down, but Izzy's beyond reasonable thought. He stares at the spot, the words secondary yet no less scathing.

You know what you've done. You know what you deserve.

Very funny indeed.

Izzy doesn't sleep. Doesn't eat. He catches the looks from the crew, the amusement written clear on their faces. He doesn't catch the captains looking at him at all. He gets worse, knows he's worse, all anger and rage and anything else to smother the fear that wraps around his heart.

He doesn't tell Edward. Can't bear it. It's his own fault, of course, nothing his captain can do.

The third spot, he finds under his pillow. The parchment is stark against his sheets.

There's no sign anyone else has been inside his cabin. In the darkness, fist clenching the parchment circle, he empties his empty stomach onto the floorboards.

He doesn't sleep that night, either.

In the early hours of the morning, before the sun has risen, and he knows the new watch won't bother to attend their station for another hour, he slips from his cabin and heads up on deck.

It's only a joke. A harmless prank. The black spot burns a hole in his breast pocket.

The view from the stern is beautiful. The waves split by the smooth and steady course of the ship, the white curl of the wake. It calls to him. Invites him in.

It's time he heeded the call.

So he does. It's better this way.

What a joke.

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Ed: I don’t think we can mansplain, manipulate or malewife our way out of it this time :(

Izzy: (already getting out his sword) Manslaughter it is.

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God I fucking hope Con gets a writing credit for season 2. Let this man write the most insane and sad Izzy ep ever that makes everyone immediately feel so bad for hating him during season 1. I want full high drama fantasy. No funny just sad and con's tits

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yes i have an entire ofmd coffee shop au planned out but the most hilarious thing about it is probably the thought of stede selling all these extravagant sugary drinks in his coffee shop and izzy just trying to p l e a s e get a black coffee PLEASE JUST BLACK COFFEE NO NO EXTRA SYRUP NO JUST COFFEE BLACK COFFEE P L E A S E

in the end he somehow manages to get a black coffee, or at least something close to it, and stede hands him a cup that says, in large, neat calligraphy:

iggy

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Thinking about Izzy punching Sam in the face upon seeing him alive for the first time in twenty years and how (aside from Sam having been going in for a hug before realizing Izzy was only pulling back one arm, aside from this possibly being the moment Sam falls in love with Izzy after having been waiting on the precipice of it since he last saw him) at the very least Ed and Stede witness the whole thing.

Stede likely makes some half-hearted move to intervene, but Ed puts his arm out to stop him. “Nah, mate. Best to just let it happen.”

“But what is happening?”

“How best to explain…? Remember when you fucked off, faked your death, and then came back?”

Stede winces. “Of course…”

But Ed doesn’t seem upset, throws his arm around Stede’s shoulders and leans against him casually. “Well, Stede, young Sam here”–He gestures to Sam, who is clearly around the same age as the rest of them and currently flat on his back, cradling his jaw in one hand, and grinning dazedly up as Izzy curses a blue streak back down at him–”fucked off and faked his death about twenty years ago, and has just now come back.”

“Oh dear.”

Ed tilts his head to the side as he watches Izzy kick Sam in the kidney. “Sorta funny that it happened twice, really.”

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I made a chart but I don’t fully understand it.

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Art by Ungfio

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Lucius: Truth or dare

Edward: Dare

Lucius: I dare you to kiss the hottest person in the room

Edward: Hey Izzy?

Izzy *Blushing*: Yeah?

Edward: Can you move, I'm trying to get to Stede

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I think part of the reason I like Izzy/Jack as a ship is that it cleverly avoids the “character is fixed by a romantic relationship” trope by putting him with someone who is worse.

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girls’ night! girls’ night!!

+ bonus

less likely but funnier version: what if ed made izzy paint his nails?

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,,,, gayest shit ive seen this bitch do and i saw him kiss another man

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I could make so many of these 😭😭

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Love how throughout S1, Ed is flirting sexually and Stede is flirting romantically and neither of them Gets It, because Ed thinks he’s unlovable and Stede thinks he’s undesirable. When you realize their infatuations run in parallel lines, you understand how sudden the collision must have been and why the impact made them stagger the way they did.

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[ID: 1. Modern Stede and Ed stand in a Lush store by a bath bomb display. Ed, dressed in a leather jacket and jeans, lurches back in surprise, cheeks red, as Stede comes up to him wearing a black Lush apron. Smiling politely, Stede says, "Oh, hello! Can I help you find anything?" A little heart pulses out from Ed's chest. 2. Later, Ed sits on a black leather couch next to Izzy against a wall covered in knick-knacks. Izzy, wearing a black tee shirt and jeans, leans back with his arms crossed, glaring into the distance. "So that's why you spent $240 on fookin soap?" Ed, wearing a graphic biker shirt, jeans, and knee brace with his bad knee propped up on an ottoman, is smiling down at a sparkly purple soap in his hands with shiny eyes and red cheeks. A paper bag full of more soaps and sundries sits beside his foot. He replies distractedly "Stede said this one was his favorite," with a heart. /end ID]

For the July #AsACrew Challenge Day 21: Yummy Soap

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Frenchie: Are lobsters mermaids to scorpions?

Jim: it is FOUR IN THE GODDAMN MORNING

Roach: no no wait, he has a point!