sideblogformentalhealtshit - Tumblr blog

[sideblogformentalhealtshit]

It's so annoying how frustratingly difficult it is to translate daydreams into actual words in a text document! Because it's oftentimes not that the daydreams are just things i'm imagining, vague ideas of what happens or is said, no no no. I'm straight up thinking, very specifically, word for word what happens. I'm straight up sounding out sentences like i was reading a fanfic but in my head. but the moment i actually try to translate these words into, well, Actual Words, they just disappear!!! Whyy

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If people were too mean to you when you were growing up, a newborn animal will materialize inside your brain and it’s so so scared and shivering and it will stay there for years. Decades, even. And whenever you say something kind of weird but true to your heart the animal will tell you “Noo! You can’t say that! If you say that, everyone will hate you!”. The animal means well. It’s so so small and everything is so scary for them and it’s just trying to protect you. But listen to me. Listen to me. Whenever this happens, you can’t do what the animal says. You can’t. If you do, you’ll become as scared as the animal. You have to keep saying weird shit. You have to keep doing things the animal wouldn’t approve of. If you do enough things that scare the animal, maybe one day it’ll go to sleep.

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It sucks to be finnish, bc like. ppl keep praising finland for how good our school system and (mental) health care are, so good and amazing. and i'm just sitting here like. ah yes the school system that gave me 9 years of trauma, gave me anxiety and depression, worsened all my other problems, and almost drove me to suicide? the school system that had me experiencing DAILY panic attacks? yeah so amazing, so good, finland is just so amazing, sure sure sure.

and don't even get me started on the mental health care i've gotten. spoilers; flashbacks, nightmares, and panic attacks so severe i may as well have PTSD.

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involuntary hospitalization should be considered kidnapping. or abduction. that is all.

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Can anyone please stop encouraging taking away the autonomy and safety of suicidal and other mentally ill people for FIVE MINUTES. DO NOT report vent posts or call the social services or cops on someone venting to you. If you can't handle it, block the tags, don't interact with that person, or if it's a personal thing try pointing them to someone that does want to support them. DO NOT forcefully institutionalize your "friends" out of "concern." After traumatizing them and contributing to getting their rights stripped of them, their blood will be on YOUR hands. Is this guilt trippy? I don't care. Don't be a narc. Watch out for your friends, filter out things you know you personally aren't equipped to deal with, arm yourself against this pervasive idea that institutions are here to "help." And don't fucking white knight for struggling people without being asked. No one likes that, the victim least of all. You are not some hero. You do not "know best and better than them." If you are pro-non consensual "treatment" and siccing dangerous systems onto already vulnerable people, especially if you've done something like that before, get off my blog and I hope the door hits you on the way out.

I am not joking. The moment you decide to stick your nose into someone's life and fuck shit up by bringing in all that horribly dehumanizing dangerous shit is the moment you have that person's blood on your hands. Even if the experience doesn't kill them-- any trauma they sustain because of what you did is in fact your fault. Any friends or opportunities they lose that makes their life worse is your fault. If they become homeless because you got them institutionalized? Your fault. And I hope that guilt makes it hard to sleep for you forever. I hope that whenever you have the audacity to eat your nice safe home cooked food you remember the kind of food that they could barely keep down because of you. I hope when you settle into your soft, blanketed bed-- you remember how they couldn't have even that because of you. I hope when you go out with your friends to a nice mall or park or bar you remember how you stole that freedom from them. All for the crime of being in pain and vulnerable. I hope that on your deathbed all you can think about is the people who you made sure could not be afforded such a peaceful death surrounded by loved ones because you just HAD TO make YOURSELF feel better and be the white knight no one asked for, never once stopping to actually think what that could do to someone. Fuck people with saviour complexes who ruin lives over their petty feelings. And I am so sorry to anyone who has been betrayed and so thoroughly fucked in this way. It is NOT fair, it is NOT okay, and you didn't deserve that. You deserve the softness, safety, and comfort that is afforded to everyone else. And I am sorry that others believe any different.

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not that people who've been to the ward are immune from being pro-psych, but if you've never been to a psych ward*, i sincerely don't want to hear about how psychiatry/psychology is good because you've had such a good experience with X provider, or X medication saved your life. *i also don't want to hear about how the forced treatment was what you needed or how the ward you went to let you have your cellphone etc. etc. i genuinely do not want to hear it.

like. the first hospitalization traumatized me so bad, i became dangerously delusional, was re-hospitalized, and sent to state. when they transferred me, i was strapped down into a gurney at all points on my body, *head and neck included*, and loaded onto an ambulance. my parents lost most of their parental rights; i was a ward of the state and had near zero rights. when i got there, they made me choose if, "if necessary," if i wanted to be wrangled down and forcibly injected with a sedative... or wrangled down and locked in a padded room all by myself (but at least i had a choice, right?). i signed consents and paperwork that i did not fucking understand. then i was told i'd be locked inside for 2 straight weeks (which yes, they followed through with). the psych ward was remote, nothing but barbed fences and trees around us. cant even see the sun through the heavily tinted windows. that was the *start* of the stay. i'm sure you can imagine nothing good came after.

so like. if you walk out of a place like that thinking it was good for you, then i can only imagine how traumatized you are and i hope you heal someday. but if you've never faced the destruction of your autonomy like that and go around being like "oh this is good actually" then shut the ever living fuck up.

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Actually lol I think disabled people who’ve been abused/neglected by doctors/nurses should be allowed to be as pissed as they want about it and people who berate them for not understanding how hard being a doctor/nurse is or some such should literally shut the hell up. There is nothing immoral about being angry, especially about shit like this and if you think disabled people don’t understand how hard capitalist systems can wear you down, well, you’re not just mistaken but ignorant as fuck. 

[sideblogformentalhealtshit]

“it wasn’t that bad” - and yet, you still are wounded

“other people have gone through worse” - and yet, you still are wounded

“i don’t think about it much” - and YET, you still are wounded

the fact is you are wounded and that is all that matters

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Fantasizing about extremely traumatic scenarios bc it doesn't feel like my trauma is enough

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Parts of PTSD that no one talks about

Not knowing who to be angry at.

Being angry with yourself for letting it happen even if there was no way to stop it.

Crying and not knowing why.

Flashbacks where nothing bad is happening but it feels bad.

Denying that it ever even happened because your brain doesn't want to process it.

Wanting to go back to it so it feels "bad enough."

Intentionally triggering yourself to feel like your suffering is real.

Being angry all the time at every little thing.

Getting triggered by minor things and then being treated poorly because of your reaction to said trigger.

Hating change.

Being scared to sleep because you know you'll have nightmares.

Struggling to find hobbies that you enjoy.

Feeling like you're barely human.

Struggling to be positive about anything at all.

Feeling like you may be manipulating people around you into liking you.

Feeling like no one believes you because you barely even believe yourself.

Treating your past self as a "dead" version of you and feeling like a completely different person.

Being tired all the time, both physically and mentally.

Feeling like if you talk about it, your safety will be at risk.

Feeling the need to hide your trauma from everyone, including professionals there to help them.

Being paranoid everyone is going to hurt you.

Being physically incapable of talking about it.

Feeling like you're stuck reliving your trauma.

Having to skip classes or work days because of flashbacks.

Mourning your past self.

Wanting to hurt others so they feel what you feel.

Wondering why it had to be you and it wasn't someone else.

Chronic pain.

Clinging to "safe people."

Not being able to find a solid sense of identity.

Forcing yourself to be around people who trigger you for the sake of politeness.

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[sideblogformentalhealtshit]

Hey, you! You who suspect you might have PTSD, DID or another trauma disorder, but you think you didn't experience trauma "bad enough" to have developed a mental disorder from it? Let me suggest looking at it differently:

"If there's smoke, there's fire"

Do you experience symptoms of PTSD, such as hypervigilance, trouble sleeping, flashbacks, memory problems, dissociation, ect? Then yes, it was "bad enough". Maybe you don't remember anything "really bad" happening or you don't "feel like" it affects you, but listen to your body. The body remembers and the body doesn't care if you think it is "stupid" or "weak" to have a panic attack when someone touches you or that you still have nightmares about that thing you saw when you were 4 years old

Trauma isn't what happened. Trauma is the reaction to what happened. So what I'm trying to say is that if the reason you think you can't have PTSD/DID/OSDD/ect is because you didn't go through anything horrific enough for that, then maybe forget about what happened to you for a moment and just look at the evidence your body and mind are showing. And then, most importantly, be compassionate with yourself. You're going through a lot and it's gonna be okay in the end. Take it easy, okay? <3

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nahhh cus its so wild that like. i fit most of the PTSD criteria EXCEPT the first one, which is what kind of trauma u went thru like ah yes so good to know the shit that gave me trauma so severe it can look like fucking ptsd isnt significant enough thats really nice </3

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but if i don’t daydream so hard that i forget i’m real at least once a day i’ll die

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the madd-autistic experience of finding a new hyper fixation and it immediately becoming the focus of all your daydreams

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Me, coming back to reality after daydreaming, staring at the cleared rhythm game level on my screen that I was definitely not conscious for: