sigmawritesstuff

[sigmawritesstuff]

And miles to go

Kyle hissed as he applied what little alcohol he had left to the wound in his side. His vision swam from the pain, and only the shattered wall he was leaning against kept him from collapsing in a swoon.

“DAMN HOMIE, THAT LOOKS HELLA BAD” came a voice like slabs of granite falling on iron.

“Oh” Kyle gasped, reeling as he dug out a roll of bandages from a pouch on his belt. “It’s you. Is this finally it then?”

The massive skeletal figure in a tattered black cloak shook it’s head. “SORRY MY DUDE. THIS IS JUST ANOTHER OF THOSE NEAR ME ENCOUNTERS.”

“Tell me” Kyle winced as he wrapped his body, trying to block out the pain from putting pressure on the wound. “I’ve always wanted to know. Why didn’t you take me?”

“YOU’VE GOTTA SPECIFY BRO. WE’VE HAD A WHOLE LOTTA THESE MEETUPS OVER THE YEARS”,

“The first..Gaaaah!” He shook his head as he cinched the bandage tight. “The first time. Why me? Why did you take everyone else and leave me behind?”

The End of All Things was quiet for a moment. “AIN’T IT OBVIOUS? SAME REASON I CAN’T TAKE YOU NOW MY DUDE, YOU HAVE THINGS TO DO.”

“Right” Kyle chuckled weakly. “Of course”.

Taking a deep breath, He rose to his feet and looked out on the town. He’d been there barely two days when the raiders hit. It was a peaceful place with no defenses to speak of, and the people were getting slaughtered.

“Things to do” he cracked his neck. “Best get back to it”.

[sigmawritesstuff]

It’s like a Burrito Avalanche

“I hate this holiday” Teana groaned, face down on the bar counter.

Kyle raised an eyebrow. “Really? This of all holidays? I thought you’d be all over it.”

“Oh you’d think that, wouldn’t you” She raised her head enough for one bleary purple eye to focus on her drinking companion. “Oh the succubus loooves valentine’s day, it’s the easiest day of the whole year to get food” She surged upright, teetering on her hooves and throwing an arm out dramatically to gesture at the bar’s unconscious patrons “Look at this! Look at it! It’s like you getting buried under a truckload of burritos! I can’t set foot out without getting just absolutely stuffed! I gain twenty pounds every time this stupid day comes around!” She huffed and crossed her arms, sitting back down with a flounce that would have rendered at least three patrons unconscious from blood loss to the brain were any of them awake.

“It’s not even fun” She griped, tail lashing with irritation. “There’s no art to it, no challenge! Just, boom! Constant barrage of desire from the single, the desperate, the single and desperate, and the ones looking to spice things up with an extra partner or twelve for the day! I mean sure, thanks to all this food I’m just overflowing with energy, and my fur’s at it’s most lusterous”

“I did notice you were looking silkier than usual” Kyle commented, taking a casual swig from the bottle he’d swiped from behind the bar.

“Thank you, it’s the extra desperation in the lust. Makes for extra fluff and volume” She shook her head. “Wait, stop changing the subject. I’m griping and you’re complementing me and that is throwing me entirely off my groove!”

“Darn” Kyle said dryly. “You figured out my master plan”

“I feel like a foie gras goose, and you mock me. Mock my anguish” Tea reeled back on her stool, one arm thrown across her brow and her wings fluttering dramatically. “Maybe I should shove an entire all you can eat buffet down your throat, see how you like it! Humph. I bet you wouldn’t.” She squinted. “Or maybe you would. You’re so scrawny, I bet I could fit like fifteen burritos in you before you started feeling full”

“Oh you’re exaggerating” He demurred. “Ten burritos at most.”

She snorted and thwapped him on the head.

“Seriously though” Kyle got up and helped himself to another bottle. “If it’s such a big deal, why even go out? You could stay holed up in wherever you’re staying and give the day a miss”

Tea snorted. “What, and miss out on a free meal?”

[sigmawritesstuff]

It was time for Teana to get a new hairdo

[sigmawritesstuff]

Christmas is a time to say I’ll sue you

It was the night before Christmas, and the nearly empty dining area of Alice's Restaurant was awash with tinsel and garlands. It was a scene of good cheer and warm feelings, though it would be impossible to tell that from the atmosphere surrounding the one single occupied booth.

 "So that's what happened last year. Grandma got run over by a reindeer, walking home from our house Christmas eve" The young man explained tearfully. He paused to blow his nose with the tissue offered to him by the middle aged man in a nice suit sitting next to him. "People say there's no such thing as Santa, but after that Grandpa and I believe. I've been told you specialize in things like this. Can you help us?"

"Now that depends" The man sitting across from them said thoughtfully. "I'm not sure I'm clear on what you want from me here."

“Quite simply, we need you to make a delivery for us” The elder man replied, adjusting his glasses. “We of the firm Marley and Marley have agreed to take Mister Patsy’s case, but there is a significant difficulty in delivering the writ of summons. A reliable source has informed us that you specialize in the impossible.”

The young man leaned forward. "He can't. He can't get away with this. Will you help me?"

 Kyle leaned forward, a shark like grin on his face. "Sir, it would be my pleasure"

   “Seriously. What is it with you and holidays on this planet?” Tiffany asked her not-a-brother as they walked down the snowy streets. “First it was the Easter Bunny, then Cupid, then that fistfight over a bag of coal of all things, and now this?”

 “Hey, that thing with Cupid wasn’t even me, that was a succubus wearing my face” Kyle protested. “And you were the one who wanted to come with me this year and spend a little time away from Madame Butterfly’s” Tiff scrunched her pretty face, delicately manicured fingers massaging the bridge of her nose to ward off what was promising to become a massive headache. “And I am rapidly being reminded why that was a terrible idea. One would think that the fact I had to quite literally put Amanda in a choke hold to make this happen would have been a tipoff, and yet here we are”.

“Oh come on, this is going to be easy. Just get up to the North Pole, and hand over the summons. We won’t even have to fight!”

 “Good.” Tiffany gestured to her expensive fur coat and elegant leather boots “Because I’m not really a fighter, and as you can see, I am not exactly dressed for combat.”

 “Nothing to worry about” he reassured her, wisely choosing not to comment on the woman who choked out a coworker claiming not to be a fighter. “This will be easy”

  “Ayep, I gotta tell ya, this ain’t gonna be easy” The scruffy bearded man at the small plane hangar sucked his teeth. “K, I don’t know what gotcha wantin’ ta head up ta the Norf Pole this tim o’ year, but th’ air patterns are shit an’ the security’s tighter than a nun’s” he trailed off looking at Tiffany “Er, you know what. No offense ma’am”

“C’mon Nob, don’t give me that” Kyle protested, leaning over the map table they’d gathered around in the cluttered area the hangar crew used for an office. “You’ve flown through worse and we both know it.”

 “Yeh, but that was Piracy. This” Nob hissed out a heavy sigh. “This is th’ Big Man. Don’ wanna mess wit’ th’ Big Man, I got kids, y’feel me?”

 Tiffany covered her face with her hands to conceal an intense round of irritated eye rolling before tossing her blonde hair back and offering the grizzled old pilot a winning smile.

“Of course Mister, Nob was it? We understand completely” She cooed. “Children should always be the highest priority. In fact, a child is the entire reason we’re doing this. Surely you can understand the need to deliver a last minute message to the, ah, Big Man from a poor boy who’s facing his first Christmas without his grandmother”

“Weelll” Nob Hesitated

“Oh please” She pressed on breathlessly, “My brother has said so much about you, and how talented a pilot you are. Surely for someone with your… Skills, it would be no real effort to bring us to our destination”

Nob’s shoulders sagged. “Well all right, but ain’t no talking o’ this, y’hear? Mumbling to himself, the big man walked off to begin prepping his plane.

 Kyle quirked an eyebrow. “See, this is why everyone’s afraid of you”.

“Oh shut up”.

 “Well, that and the choke holds”

“Shut up”

“No really, It was terrifying. I’ve seen professional assassins with a weaker grip”.

Tiffany hissed like an angry cat. “Don’t make me ruin my manicure pulling your eyes out”

 Six hours later, the two looked down at the North Pole from the open back of a cargo plane almost as old and scruffy as it’s pilot.

 “You cannot possibly think this is a good idea” Tiffany shouted over the roaring winds.

“Not much choice, see those giant candy canes?” Kyle pointed. “Anti aircraft guns. If Nob takes us any closer we’re all gonna go up in a mint scented explosion!”

Tiff nervously adjusted the straps on her parachute. “I thought you said this was going to be easy!”

Her not-brother grinned. “This IS easy! You should have seen Arbor day!”

 “A’ight, this’ as far as I can take ye, bes’ jump now or y’ll miss th’ drop zone, an’ I can’t be makin’ a second pass” Nob’s voice crackled over the intercom.

“Right on” Kyle tossed a salute in the direction of the cockpit and shoved Tiffany out of the plane, backflipping after her.

 “I. Am going to kill you. Slowly.” Tiffany panted with a wild look in her eyes after they’d touched down. Her parachute had a few candy coated holes from anti aircraft fire, and her hair was a wind swept mess.

“Ooooh, if I had a nickel for every time I heard that, I could pay off my bar tab” Kyle grinned, shucking his own battered parachute. “How did you manage to scream all the way down without biting your tongue?”

“I am incredibly talented” she huffed, pulling out a brush and mirror to return her hair to order.

  “Good for you” A group of elves in snow camouflage carrying heavy assault rifles emerged from the snow. “Now put your hands up and we may not give you lead for Christmas”

 “Oh no. No. I am not dealing with this” Tiffany shook her head as she slowly raised her hands. I was expecting a nice, relaxing vacation, and I have been thrown out of an airplane, shot at, and now this. Snowflake? Hurt them”.

To be continued..

[sigmawritesstuff]

The Chicken Problem

Cw for hints of sexual abuse

Kyle looked up from his drink as Teana sank into her seat at their usual bar with just a touch less fluid grace than usual. Her hair was somewhat disheveled and her eyes were tired, and somehow it utterly failed to make her any less attractive. “You look like hell” Kyle commented with what could very loosely pass for concern.

Tea responded by groaning and burying her face in her arms. A middle-aged businessman stared shamelessly at her hunched back. His wife did the same.

“Chickens!” Tea moaned. A passing customer developed a new and previously unconsidered interest in poultry.

“Chickens?” Kyle quirked an eyebrow.

“Chickens!” She confirmed. “A rookie succubus was supposed to be starting her infiltration this week. The target was picked out, her identity was established, and everything was ready to go. Then I get an emergency request for help. The whole operation was blown by a massive swarm of chickens!” She waved her arms furiously in the air “Chickens!”

The businessman and his wife excused themselves and headed for a bathroom.

“It’s absolutely absurd.” Tea continued angrily as two bar patrons began fantasizing about black leather and chicken feathers.

“I mean, where did they even come from? There isn’t a farm within three hundred kilometers of that city. There is absolutely no way that it makes sense for the high end, extremely wealthy district where a multimillionaire movie mogul has a high security mansion to just be flooded with a gigantic, business disrupting flock of chickens!”

She shook her head and buried her face in her hands as her companion casually sipped his drink. “And then. I don’t know. Something happened, and the whole place went into lockdown, totally blowing her chance to make contact, so the whole thing’s ruined and I had to extract her, all because of this mysterious chicken problem!”

“Oh, that. It’s not really a mystery” Kyle sipped his drink. “It was me”.

“What.”

“Yeah”. Another sip. “I was the chicken problem”

“I’m going to regret this. I absolutely know I am, but…Why?”

 “Tell me. Your agent. How heavily did she research the target before deciding he was the one to go for?” Kyle finished his drink and gestured for another, waiting for it to arrive and the waitress to finish attempting to look down Tea’s top before continuing.

“You may not believe this, but I didn’t set out to unleash a hoard of livestock on an unsuspecting town when I got there. I was just passing through. Thought I would take in the sights, maybe have a nice dinner. But then I noticed something that got me curious.”

“Oh really? Do tell” Deserts were less dry than Tea’s voice.

“Yeah. One evening about, oh, three nights before the incident, I snuck in to a comedy show. Standup, you know? Amateurs and professionals doing their thing, and one of them made a joke that caught my attention. Thing about comedy is, you can get away with talking about things everybody knows but won’t say, and this guy dropped a line about your girl’s target that got me wondering.”

He took a sip of his new drink, frowned, and gestured the waitress over. “Hey, think I can get something stronger?” She nodded and returned shortly with a fresh mug of something hot pink and slightly steaming, as well as a business card with her phone number on it that she not so casually slipped in Tea’s direction.

“Much better” Kyle sipped the new drink after the waitress left and then continued.

“So I started looking around. Asking questions, you know? And I started noticing a pattern pretty fast. Let me see if I can predict what your agent looked like for this”.

He began ticking off points on his fingers. “Blonde. Slender, Fair skin, and just barely at a legal age. Acted like her lifelong dream was to be an actress. Am I right?”

Tea winced. “Spot on”

“Like I said, a pattern. There was something else I noticed too.” He took another sip. “Every actress he sponsored that made it big. They all had the same eyes. Like something was missing. Or maybe like they’d lost something.”

He shrugged. “You’re the expert in psychology, but I know what regret and trauma look like. I was starting to get a bit shall we say concerned, but I didn’t really plan to do anything. Not my world, not my responsibility, you know?”

He frowned and took another drink. “That changed the day before everything went down. There’s a guy who owns a food truck in that city. Nobb’s a former Traveler, and he was letting me stay with him while I was in town. He has a daughter. Sweet girl, very pretty, always wanted to be an actress, just like half the other girls in that city. Well, she caught the attention of your girl’s target, and he invited her to a casting session. She left that morning on the top of the world. Happy as can be. I was a little concerned, but who am I to stop someone from chasing their dreams?”

He knocked back the entire mug of the weaker drink before returning his attention to the stronger one.

“She came back looking broken. Same dead eyes as the girls he’d sponsored. She told us she was being considered for a part in a major film, then went and spent three hours in the shower. “

He paused for another drink. Still casual, but Tea could see the tension in his shoulders.

“I don’t need to tell you the dude was ridiculously powerful. Tons of money. Incredibly well connected. It’s why he was an Erovore target in the first place. For a humble food truck owner, he was practically untouchable. So Nobb asked me to help”.

 “Ok, but that doesn’t explain the chickens”

“I’m getting to that” Another sip. “See, chickens are property. They have value. Unlike, say, humans, they can’t just be shot, gassed, or otherwise abused. They have to be caught, and carefully enough that it would take quite a while. And I wanted to do this in broad daylight, so I needed a distraction. By that point I’d been in town long enough to know shipping routes and where I could find a poultry truck to hijack”

“So, why daylight?” Tea asked, curious despite herself.

“Because not all monsters hunt at night and I wanted to make sure this one understood what fear felt like”. Ice was warmer than her companion’s response. “Unleashing the chickens bought me three hours to have a nice long conversation. He’ll never lay hands on a girl ever again”

“How can you be sure?”

“Because you can’t lay hands on someone if you don’t have hands anymore”. He replied flatly. “Then I took the evidence he kept of his actions and dropped them off at a TV station he didn’t own. Your girl is going to need a new target” He finished his drink and signaled for a new one.

Teana was silent for a moment. “I think I’m not going to report any of this. Best it just get chalked up as a random chicken problem.”

“Yeah”.

[sigmawritesstuff]

On Travelers and the Travelers Guild

While Travelers are well known among the residents of the Infinite Bazaar, owing largely to their trademark cloaks and propensity for wild tales, very little is known about them.

It is, for example, common knowledge that they are individuals who for whatever reason choose to wander the multiverse, taking advantage of their knowledge of the portals between worlds to go wherever random chance or their own desires take them. They are in fact considered the uncontested experts on multiversal travel, to the point where it’s said that if you want to plan a successful trip to anywhere it’s best to hire a Traveler.

It is also common knowledge that Travelers are a bunch of shifty bastards and should never be trusted anywhere near your wallet or wine stash. In fact, most breweries and banks in the Bazaar have a shoot on sight policy, and for reasons unknown Travelers are the only beings in the entire multiverse the assassins guild will approve of hunting without a contract.

Anarchic and fiercely independent, Travelers go where they please, do what they please, and are believed to have no organization or home of any kind. Of all the beliefs about the Travelers, this is the most incorrect, and the one they are most willing to encourage.

 As with most things in the multiverse, the truth is more complicated than non-Travelers realize.

It is well known by scholar and layman alike that the multiverse is shaped like a sphere, with two hubs at which point everything converges. The southern of the two hubs contains a single, massive planet suspended in a void. On that planet are access points to the permanent portal on every single inhabited world in the multiverse. That single planet contains the Infinite Bazaar. Equally well known is that the northern hub is completely empty. It is an empty void, and anyone unfortunate enough to end up passing through a portal leading to it will find themselves trapped if they don’t manage to get back through before the portal closes behind them.

 The truth of the matter is that the northern hub is not as empty as it seems, but only if you know the secret.

The northern hub is the home of the Traveler’s Guild.

Nobody is entirely sure how it got there or who founded it, but if you stand in the void and sing, the Guild house becomes visible. Resembling a wild west Saloon the size of a city block, the guild house is the only solid object in the entire northern hub. It’s essentially impossible to find unless you know the secret, which is just the way the Travelers like it.

The Travelers may be fiercely independent with an anarchic streak a mile wide, but even they like having a place to rest and shoot the shit with people like them.

 The Traveler’s guild is composed of vagabonds, miscreants and misfits. The beings who don’t quite fit in with their species or just can’t stand to stay in one place when there’s a big exciting multiverse out there full of things to see. You can find just about anything there, from sapient squids to gods from long gone pantheons who decided they had enough of hanging around waiting for prayers. Travelers refer to the portal system between worlds as The Long Roads, and take pride in the fact that they follow no rules but their own and know more about the Multiverse than anyone.

Inside the guild house itself, the biggest area is the tavern, run by the enigmatic bartender known only as Jimbo. He’s been there as long as anyone can remember, and as the keeper of the booze and he who holds the Bar Tabs, he’s the closest thing the Guild has to a head. Rumors about him abound among the guild members. Some say Jimbo is the founder of the guild himself, remaining to oversee his creation and keep order among the most disorderly beings in all of existence. Others say he’s some kind of divine entity, the living essence of the very concept of the frontier bartender. Less prevalent is the rumor that he’s the spirit of the Guild House itself, having achieved sentience specifically to prevent anyone from serving lesser drinks than it can provide. It is entirely possible that all or none of these are true.

Whatever the facts, Jimbo isn’t telling. All that’s known for sure is that he keeps a photon shotgun under the bar counter that he prefers to wield like a club, that he remembers the name and drink order of every single Traveler in the entire guild no matter how long they’ve been gone, and that he can mix a drink with skills that would make Dionysus himself weep with envy.

Another well known member of the Guild is Willie the Squig. A giant sapient earthworm in a mech suit, if there is any kind of gossip, rumor, or random tidbit of information anywhere in the multiverse, the Squig knows it. Quite possibly, the only ones with more information are the Erovore network, and dealing with Willie is far less dangerous. For a sack of rare, premium dirt, (He especially likes the soil from pony land. Nobody really wants to ask why) he’ll tell you whatever you want to know.

The tavern is where the Travelers meet to drink, eat, sing, swap stories, and celebrate meeting again. It is a raucous, rambunctious place full of good cheer and filthy jokes. One popular activity is telling tall tales, with free drinks to whoever tells the biggest whopper. Other pastimes include four dimensional poker, darts, What have I got in your pocket?, and drinking contests.

 Other notable locations in the guild house include sleeping quarters for any travelers drunk enough or tired enough to want to stay in one place for a little bit. Somehow, the noise in the bar never quite reaches the sleeping area. It’s quiet and peaceful, and more than a few second generation Travelers were conceived there. A closet of seemingly infinite depth (and seemingly infinite dust bunnies) where any traveler who wants to can hang their cloak while they stay and drink. (Not that they ever do, it’s a point of pride. Rumor has it that the last person to try hang their cloak got lost and was never seen again.)

There’s another closet too, as large as the first but actually full. It contains the cloaks of the fallen. Guild members who either died on the Long Roads, or met their end in an untimely fashion are celebrated with a massive wake, and their cloak hung up in wait for a new member to come and choose it as their own. In this way, Travelers wander the multiverse forever. It is the closest thing the Guild has to a sacred space, (aside from where Jimbo stores the booze) and dire consequences await any soul foolish enough to defile it in any way. A story told to every new member is about one traveler in the distant past who threw up in the cloakroom. Jimbo cleaned up the mess with the poor bastard’s face.

Becoming a member of the Guild is simply a matter of encountering a Traveler on the Long Roads and having them take a liking to you. If you make the right kind of impression and come with them, they’ll take you to the Guild House. Once there, if enough guild members like you, and impromptu vote will be taken in the Bar. Enough cheers of approval gets you inducted, at which point you are taken to choose your cloak.

Technically, it’s Jimbo’s job to teach all new Guild members the rules, but 90% of the time he can’t be bothered and will make the veteran who brought the newbie do it.

As befits the least organized guild in the entire multiverse, there are only a few rules, but they are enforced by fear of Jimbo’s wrath. They are:

1: Never lie to a fellow guild member.

2: If one of your brothers or others needs your help, then you have to help them.

3: If you find a guild member who's died, burn the body, bring their cloak with you and take it to the Guild House. If you aren't around when there's a wake, then on your next visit you have to make a toast and drink their favorite.

4: Keep the guild's secrets, no bringing an outsider along with you unless you trust them with your life or intend for them to join.

5: No grudges in the guild house. Bar fights are ok within limits, but genuine disputes are to be settled on the Long Roads.

 Any non member who is either not visiting or is considered unworthy to join the guild for whatever reason is not taught the secret to leaving the northern hub, because the last and biggest misconception about the northern hub is that once the portal that brought you there closes, there’s no way out.

In truth, just like the southern hub, there are permanent portals to every single world in the multiverse, and they are always available. The trick is, like the guild house itself, they respond to song. Each portal has a different melody that it reacts to, and if you know the right tunes, you can go anywhere. More than anything, this is the biggest secret of the Traveler’s guild. The biggest thing that keeps enterprising dimensional explorers and traders out of the northern hub is fear of being trapped for eternity, and it’s that enforced privacy that keeps the Guild and it’s members safe.

[sigmawritesstuff]

And to all a Good Fight

“Why are you up here? It’s cold” A heavily bundled Anne asked as she climbed onto the snow covered roof to join Kyle. For some reason, the man was sitting in a space he’d dug clear, mostly covered by a thick blanket.

“Waiting for that bastard Father Christmas” Came the absent reply as his gaze remained focused on the skies.

Annie blinked. The telepathic voices of her ever present companions went temporarily silent as Jayce ran a rapid scan and search on the name before reporting back. “Santa? Why are you up here then? He only shows up when you’re asleep, everyone knows that.” “Sure. That’s what he wants you to think” Kyle’s grip tightened on the baseball bat he’d gotten from…Somewhere. Annie had long given up on trying to figure out where her friend managed to keep the absurdly large arsenal he always seemed to be carrying. Even Jayce’s incredibly broad array of sensors hadn’t managed to work it out.

“That bastard and I have an old score to settle, and since I’m finally on the right world for it at the right time, tonight’s the night.” He looked down and checked the ancient, heavily pitted pocket watch he’d gotten on one of the many adventures he refused to tell her about.

“But why? Santa is nice! He brings presents to all the good kids everywhere!” Annie cocked her head. “Wait. Were you bad? Is this because you got coal?” “Oh, I just wish I’d gotten coal” Kyle gritted his teeth, head swiveling as he focused his full attention on the beautiful starry sky. “I wanted coal. Coal would have been great.”

“……You lost me”

 “I was last here sometime around 1845. Time doesn’t synch well between worlds, so it was maybe eight years ago for me. I was seventeen, looked fifteen, and was on the streets in 19th century England. Naturally, I got jumped by a cop and dumped in the Dickens Home for Wayward Urchins. Have you ever been in a Victorian orphanage?”

She shook her head.

“I don’t recommend it. Cold, dreary, and full of nuns. It was about the fifth worst place I’ve ever stayed, and I’m including some prisons in that list.” He pulled the blanket a little more tightly around himself, shifting position to blend in with the snow a little better.

“That was when I was introduced to Father Christmas. Magical saint brings joy and food once a year for the deserving? It had been less than a full year since Shan died, and barely two years since the end of the war. I was badly in need of some cheer, and even more in need of some coal. Like I said, it was cold.”

 He looked down and checked the watch. “Almost time.” He lifted one side of the blanket and gestured to Annie. “Get in here. He’ll see you.” She obeyed curiously, and he took a moment to readjust their camouflage before continuing his story.

“Around December 24th I had enough of the place. Figured the old man would be able to find me anywhere anyway, so I made a break for it. With everyone feasting and reveling, nobody even noticed a single urchin making his way out of the city. Got all the way out of London and into the woods. Holed up in a nice little cave after chasing the bear out of it, and hunkered down. This was well before the leaving milk and cookies tradition got started so I didn’t do that, but I did have a stocking I’d swiped on my way out, so I hung that up near the entrance. Bundled up in my cloak and went to sleep. Figured I’d get some coal because I’d done everything the nuns said you were supposed to do. Woke up the next morning, and what do I find?”

He growled, low and deep. “A note saying good kids shouldn’t play with fire and I should go back to the orphanage! I swore revenge, and now, after all these years, I’m finally going to have it!”

He froze as the sound of sleigh bells filled the air. Moments later, there was the thump of something heavy landing on the roof, and Annie’s eyes went wide as she heard someone dismount.  

 “Finally!” Kyle jumped to his feet and threw off the blanket. “It’s payback time you tinsel tasseled son of a bitch!” Vaulting over a reindeer, he tackled the intruder off the roof.

 Annie looked over the side to see two figures rolling in the snow, fists flailing. One was short and scruffy and wearing a cloak, and the other was tall and round and clad in fur trimmed red.

“Ho ho holy shit, what is wrong with you?” Santa asked, kicking his foe off and rolling to his feet with surprising agility for someone of his size and build.

 “Outside London eight years ago. 1845. You didn’t give me coal” Kyle picked up his bat and brandished it like a sword.  “And now I’m returning the favor with the ass whipping you deserve”

 “That was one hundred and seventy three years ago you utter maniac!” Santa huffed, “And I don’t deliver to immortals anyway, unless….” He squinted. “Oh. YOU” The old man’s demeanor changed, standing taller and straighter, the belly no longer quite so much like a bowl of jelly and the eyes no longer full of cheer. “I do remember you. Not from 1845 though, oh no.” Mittened hands clenched into fists of trembling rage. “Three years ago in Lapland, I was on vacation and coming to visit my very favorite diner. They always keep a special bowl of Lohikeitto, just for me. AND YOU SPILLED IT. I ONLY GET TO HAVE THAT SOUP ONCE A YEAR. YOU’RE ON THE SPECIAL NAUGHTY LIST.” Thrusting his hand in the air, he bellowed “RUDOLPH WITH YOUR NOSE SO BRIGHT, HELP ME BRING SOME PAIN TONIGHT”

Annie watched breathlessly, eating from a bag of popcorn that one of the reindeer handed her as it’s red-nosed leader jumped off the roof, transforming into a mighty battle axe that landed in Santa’s outstretched hand. “Best..Christmas.. Ever”

With a roar of unbridled fury, the two foes charged. Santa led off with a mighty horizontal swing of his axe, the red nosed haft lighting the night. Kyle ducked, retaliating with a rising blow from his bat that was absorbed by the prodigious girth of a belly powerful enough to hold an entire world’s supply of cookies. Santa threw the axe in the air, where it transformed back into a red-nosed reindeer with alarmingly large biceps. It stood on it’s hind legs and launched a mighty right cross that Kyle barely dodged. Now outnumbered two to one, he tossed the bat aside and cracked his neck. “Fine. Let’s do this” Charging at the reindeer, he caught it’s next strike on his forearm, using the momentum to pivot around the beast. Grabbing it around the waist, he heaved, slamming it antlers first to the ground in a mighty german suplex.

 “That’s it” Santa pulled off his mittens and cast them aside. “No more mister nice Kringle”

“You’ll be drinking those cookies through a straw”

In perfect synchronization, the two combatants launched at each other one final time, each delivering a punch to the face in a textbook cross counter that left both of them staggering backwards, before collapsing unconscious.

  Much later, Kyle regained consciousness on Annie’s sofa. His eyes fluttered open to see Annie leaning over him, a grin of uncharacteristically large proportions on her face. “Oh good, you’re awake!’ She chirped.

“ooh, my head” he groaned, sitting up carefully and pressing a hand to his jaw. “What happened? Did I get him? Please tell me I won”.

“Oh wow, you missed so much.” Annie hopped up and down. “After you and Santa managed a mutual knockout, I got to save Christmas! I teamed up with the rest of the reindeer to deliver presents all over the world! Rudolph was still unconscious, so Jayce took care of Navigation, and Big Brother handled hauling all the presents out of the sleigh! Best. Christmas. Ever!”

 “Yeah.. Great” He winced, testing the massive bruise on his cheek.

“We did such a good job, the Reindeer invited us back next year” Annie rambled on, for once acting like the child she was. “Oh! And one more thing” She pulled out a sack from behind the couch and handed it to him. “I got this for you! After he woke up I explained things to Santa. He didn’t realize you were a Traveler and not a regular street urchin. Once I explained things, he gave me this to give you”

Puzzled, Kyle took the sack and opened it. It was full of coal, with a note from Santa saying “you deserve this” He smiled happily and leaned back. It really was the best Christmas ever.

[sigmawritesstuff]

A small snippet

Teana slapped a wanted poster down on the bar counter and raised an eyebrow. "So, I found this a while ago" 

Kyle blinked. "Wow. My nose isn't THAT big, is it?" He reached up with one hand and poked at the offending organ. 

 "You're dodging the subject" A slim, perfectly formed finger tapped the poster in a way that caused the bartender to develop a new and previously unconsidered fetish. "Seriously, grand theft princess? Even for you that's a new one" 

 "Hey, in my defense, I didn't know she was a princess at the time" Kyle's eyes crossed as he focused on the finger he was using to poke at his nose. "I mean, there was this whole thing with a tower, and knights, and there may have been an evil mother in law involved." He tilted his head, trying to get a look at his reflection in his beer mug. "I'm feeling really insecure about this now" 

 "It's fine. The nose is the least of your problems" Tea swatted him over the head. Three patrons watching from across the room felt a sudden spike of jealousy. A fourth immediately began writing terrible poetry on a napkin. 

 "Look, it was this whole thing, ok? I was distracted enough by the unusually intelligent animal companion that I didn't even think to ask about the whole princess thing until like half the kingdom was on fire and we were across the border. By then she was making eyes at this prince that somehow got picked up along the way, and it was this whole other thing, and I wound up having a fist fight with the Prince's evil father on a drawbridge, and things were kind of a blur after that, but anyway I'm pretty sure I can't go back to that first kingdom, like ever."

Teana massaged her temples. "Gods you're vague when you want to be. This is like that thing with the ponies all over again". 

 "What are you talking about, I was totally clear when I told you about that one" The beer glass' reflection failed to give him a satisfactory view, and he reached across the bar to swipe a metal serving tray.

 "No, you told me you spent a week as a magical talking horse in a land full of them, that you kind of enjoyed being a quadruped, and then showed me a shiny rock you stole from a magical smoke monster even though it didn't have pockets for you to pick" 

 He shrugged and tossed the tray back, finally satisfied. "I dunno, that was pretty much it. Nothing really exciting happened there"

[sigmawritesstuff]

It’s best not to summon a demon on Halloween

“I really don’t know what your plan here was” Teana commented idly, leaning back in her makeshift chair and kicking her hooves up. She ignored the faint “oof” her actions caused.

“I mean, trying to summon a demon on Halloween of all days?” She laughed, the action nearly causing her nearly skin tight witch’s costume to burst at the seams. “No seriously. You try and summon a demon on Halloween, and you’re surprised one turns up?”

She kicked her feet with glee, ignoring the whimpering sounds her hooves caused as they struck her footstool. “You’re lucky it was just me that showed up, you know that?” She rolled her head back to look at the unconscious wannabe sorcerers who were piled up beneath and behind her. “It could have been so much worse. Do you have any idea what else is roaming around in the lower planes tonight? I could have been a shoggoth or something”.

She wiggled her rump in a way that would have given her seat cushion an entirely new fetish, were he awake. “Seriously though” she asked her footrest. “What was the plan? I know I really should have asked first, done the whole ‘kneel and ask what is thy bidding my master’ thing, but like, there are thirty parties tonight, and I want to hit all of them so I kinda skipped it and went straight to the ‘oh no! we can’t control the demon anymore and it’s attacking all of us’ part.” “..This.. This wasn’t supposed to happen!” Her footrest whimpered. “my coven..” “Oh unclench, they’ll be fine” Tea rolled her eyes. “I only drained them a little. Sure, they’ll be unconscious for a few days, but they’ll have some nice dreams, and who knows? They might even wake up with a few new kinks. Not that the one I’m using as a backrest needs any, if you know what I mean”. She grinned naughtily. The effect would have been devastating had anyone been able to see it. “Of course you do, you’re the star of a good few of them. Wink wink. But we’re getting off track, and I have places to be, so spill”.

 “We wanted to summon a succubus so we could finally lose our virginities and stop being incels” the unfortunate whimpered. “Tubbs, he said he knew someone who’d done it, that he could get the stuff we needed. It was supposed to be easy..”

 Tea blinked. “That’s it? No punishing the unworthy, no conquest, you idiots just wanted to get your rocks off?” She rolled her shoulders and rose to her hooves in a movement so smooth it made cats look clumsy. “Well mission accomplished on the summoning thing anyway, so good job I guess?” she bent forward at the waist, leaning down to make eye contact with the traumatized idiot. “But seriously, don’t ever do this again. You’d never survive the experience” She patted him on the cheek. “I mean, you can’t even look me in the eye right now. You and your crew are such a seething mass of pent up lust any succubus with less self-restraint than me would have done a lot more than just have a light snack.” Straightening up, she daintily kicked out, hoof impacting her former footrest’s jaw and sending him to the ground, as consciousness took it’s leave, he mumbled out “never would have happened to a chad..” “Well, that’s that” Tea dusted off her hands as her hooves transformed into a pair of feet wrapped in a pair of spiked black high heels. “Work’s done for the evening; now let’s go see about those parties!” A broad brimmed witch’s hat appeared in her hand and she donned it with a flourish as she headed for the door.

Halloween really was her favorite night of the year.  

[sigmawritesstuff]

[sigmawritesstuff]

This amazing shot of Tiana is by @punkcat, who is far more talented than I am

[sigmawritesstuff]

They love each other. Really.

[sigmawritesstuff]

A seriously excellent picture by @bohgeyboss of Kyle and their character Jacob

[sigmawritesstuff]

While Tiana changes her appearance to suit whatever world she’s on or assignment she has, she does have a preferred form when she’s not on the job. It’s very close to her natural appearance, but she changes her horns and hairstyle to fit her mood.

[sigmawritesstuff]

Never play poker with a Platypus

It is a known oddity of the multiverse that there are certain constants. For example, there is always something called Excalibur. Generally, it’s a weapon. Usually it’s a sword. On one particular world, it’s a spatula. Nonetheless, the name remains. Similarly, in every world that invents cards, there is a game almost if not exactly like Poker.

Less well known is that no matter what the world, when it comes to card games, monotremes are cheating bastards.

It was a fact Kyle was learning the hard way.

 “No” Kyle glared at the platypus. It sat on the table across from him, cards awkwardly propped up in front of it’s webbed paws.

“Just, no” he repeated. “I refuse to believe you’ve managed a full house. Again. “

The platypus chittered. Somehow it’s beak looked smug.

“Mark my words, I will have my revenge” Kyle growled as he pulled his socks off and slid them across the table. They were his favorite socks, which just made it worse.

The platypus promptly made a nest out of them, somehow managing to look even smugger as it waited for the dealer to pass out a new hand.

It was late in the game by this point, and the other players had long fallen out. Some, like the Quoll and the Possum, still lingered to the side of the table, breathlessly awaiting the conclusion of the final round.

The dealer, a platypus in a sun visor, batted cards to the two remaining players with it’s tail.

 The two foes gathered their hands and faced off.

The platypus nosed a stack of chips forward.

“You’re bluffing” Kyle sneered. “I can read your tells. So much for that vaunted Poker Beak of yours”

He slid his own, much smaller pile forward.

“All in”

The platypus chittered and matched his bet, with the exception of his socks.

 The Quoll and the Possum held their breaths. The tension in the air was thicker than Vegemite.

 The dealer flapped it’s tail, the sign to show their cards.

“I win you little shit!” Kyle slapped his cards down. “Straight flush, all aces!”

 The platypus was undisturbed. Slowly, methodically, it pushed it’s cards forward with it’s bill to reveal..

“A ROYAL FLUSH?!” Kyle jumped to his feet, slamming his hands on the table. “That’s boganshit! I don’t care how good you are, nobody’s that lucky!” His eyes narrowed. Something was wrong.  

There, just barely sticking out from under his opponent’s tail, was..

“Hang on, those are extra cards!” He shouted, reaching across the table to grab his foe and hoist it in the air. “You cheating bastard! I knew you couldn’t be that lucky!”

The platypus bit him on the nose.

   “And then the little bastard got away” Kyle grumbled to a hysterically laughing Tiana. “I never did get those socks back”

“Lesson learned” She wheezed. “Oh gods, my sides….”

“Yeah, yeah” Kyle rolled his eyes. “Never play poker with a platypus”

Fantastic illustration by @punkcat

[sigmawritesstuff]

There are disadvantages to associating with a succubus

“Ok, explain this to me one more time” Kyle massaged the bridge of his nose with an expression of deepest exasperation. “Because I still don’t entirely understand how you managed to get me banned from an entire planet without me even being there”.

 Tiana looked sheepish. “Well, maybe not the entire planet” she twiddled her fingers. “Just, you know, most of it. You’d probably be fine if you never went on land. Or in the water. Or looked in the general direction of a girl. Or a goose. It’s hardly my fault the pantheon has such a broad jurisdiction”

 Kyle gave her a flat look. “An entire pantheon. You have an entire pantheon of gods mad at me. How did you even?”

“In my defense, she was totally worth it. Really you should take it as a complement,” she protested. “And anyway it’s only Most of the pantheon. I’m pretty sure Hades is still ok with you”

“Days like this, I really regret not killing you” Kyle sighed.

 “It’s all your fault you know, if you took better care of yourself I wouldn’t have needed to use your appearance to get around” Tiana frowned. “I needed to get access to one of the vaults in Olympus, and the only way to sneak past Zeus was to pick a form he wouldn’t go for. Do you have any idea how hard that is? God of the sky my perfectly formed ass, god of lust is more like it. There isn’t an easier target for seduction in the entire multiverse. You’re such a mess from the neck down, you were the first thing I thought of that would turn him off”.

“Well thanks for that. I feel so much better about myself”

 “Shut up. Do you want to hear the story or not?” Tiana stuck her tongue out. Across the room, a man walked into a table.

“Anyway, I managed to get in and find the vault. Really impressive security, Hephaestus does not screw around. Fortunately, his wife does, and I happen to know his wife goes in for the warrior types.”

Tiana gave a naughty grin that caused three men elsewhere in the tavern to pass out from a sudden shift in blood pressure.

“So you seduced her” Kyle grunted.

“So I seduced her. Let me tell you, the goddess of love and beauty does not live up to the title when it comes to the bedroom. Hot as hell, but a total pillow princess.” Tiana shrugged. The few men in the tavern still conscious discovered an entirely new fetish.

 “And this is why I’m persona non grata with an entire pantheon? Also, stop that.”

“What? I’m hungry” Tiana whined.  “And no, that was just the start. I was just finishing up and getting ready to head off to the vault when her lover walked in. God of war. Real jerk. He didn’t take too kindly to my presence. Fortunately, he’s as dumb as a box of hammers. Can you believe he actually fell for the old “Look, an obvious distraction!” routine?” She laughed. It was musical. One of the barmaids began writing poetry.

“So there I am, still wearing your face, sneaking my way down the hall. I duck into a side room, figured I would wait things out for a bit, when I realized I was in a library. Unfortunately, I wasn’t alone. I managed to get away from the god of war, and wound up in the goddess of war and wisdom’s library. She was pretty upset about being intruded on by a mortal, but I couldn’t afford to be caught. We needed what was in that vault. So I seduced her”.

 “You seduced her” Kyle said flatly. “With my face”.

“I told you, take it as a complement. Your face with my moves? She didn’t stand a chance, and let me tell you, the goddess of wisdom had some serious skills” Tiana sighed happily at the memory. “The things that woman could do with an owl feather. I’m going to have to visit her again with another face, I was almost too full to properly enjoy the experience”

Kyle looked disgusted. “Remind me again why you had to do all of this with my face?”

 “Because you’ve got a decent face but you’re ugly from the neck down, now hush and let me finish” Tiana huffed.

“So after Athena passed out and enough time went by that I thought the coast was clear, I left the library and actually made it back to the vault. Got it unlocked, but there must have been some kind of silent alarm, because no sooner do I retrieve the artifact than an entire squad of guards comes barreling in, led by Artemis herself. Did you know she has issues with men? Because every single one of her arrows was aimed at my groin, and there was absolutely no cause for that. I didn’t even flirt with her. Much.”

“What. Did. You. Do”

“Weeelll, I may have vaulted over one of the guards, shimmied past another, invaded her personal space, dipped her, and gave her more tongue than she’s ever had in her immortal life, but in my defense this entire pantheon is full of hedonists and I didn’t realize she was the virgin goddess until my debriefing back home”

“So on top of everything else, I have a virgin goddess who wants to castrate me. Thanks”

 “Also the god of the forge, because from what I heard Hephaestus figured out pretty quickly that the only way I could have gotten in was if I had gotten the passcode from his wife”

 “Fantastic.”

“Look, it was my only option at the time. I’m a succubus. It’s what I do.”

Tiana stretched her arms over her head and arched her back, cracking it. The last remaining male patron passed out. One of the barmaids collapsed to the ground with a nosebleed.

“So I made it to the hallway with about two dozen guards and one very angry goddess after me, but I managed to give them the slip and after flying up a few floors, ducked into a side room to catch my breath”.

 “I’m starting to detect a pattern here”

 “Shush. So it turns out that I’m in another bedroom. And not just any bedroom, but the bedroom of Psyche. The wife of the god of erotic love. Now, I admit I shouldn’t have done it. I really should have restrained myself. But, but, you should have seen her!” Tiana traced out an hourglass shape with her hands “She had a body as nice as, well, as nice as mine! I had to go for it. No self respecting erovore could possibly pass up a chance like that!”

She sighed dreamily. “Beyond worth it. I learned entirely new things from that experience.” She frowned. “including what it feels like to get an arrow in the ass. Eros walked in at exactly the worst moment, and proceeded to shoot first and ask questions never. If I had to actually pull my pants on instead of just conjuring new ones, I would never have made it out of there alive. Fortunately, by that point I was so charged up with energy from all those seductions, I had enough power to phase through the wall and make a break for my pickup zone. I found out later from the succubus stationed near there that the goddesses I hooked up with and their husbands I offended were related to pretty much every single deity in that pantheon, and now they’re all out for your blood. Sorry about that”

 “You aren’t sorry at all” Kyle snorted, getting up to walk behind the bar and pour himself a drink. He needed it.

“True, but at least I warned you so you don’t have to find out the hard way”

 “Thanks for that” Kyle poured himself a shot of something that smelled strong and knocked it back. It didn’t help. He poured another one. “Have you done this anywhere else I should know about?”

 Tiana looked mildly guilty. “Well…….”

[sigmawritesstuff]

A small silly work featuring @bohgeyboss‘s Crossroads.

“I know I said things have been slow lately,” Kyle growled, shooting an irritated look at his companion. “But it will be a cold day in the sentient parasitic subdimension of Helheim before I have anything to do with your pantheon again, so fuck off!”

The large white deer gave him an unimpressed look. Somehow, it was standing perfectly comfortably next to him, despite the fact they were both perched on a tree branch fifteen feet in the air.

“What are you even doing here?” Kyle snapped. “ I don’t even have any major decisions to…..” His eyes widened. “NO. Are you kidding me? You are seriously here because I was considering if I wanted to go down to the city to steal some hair dye, or just use walnuts? Really?”

The deer shrugged and nodded.

“GAAAAAAAAH!” Kyle facepalmed, grabbed a handful of walnuts, and dove out of the tree. “There, decision made, now GO AWAY!” He shouted, running for the lake.

He’d no sooner begun working on his hair, when the deer sidled up to him with a shamefaced look.

“So, uh, got any smokes?” It asked, rubbing one foreleg with a hoof.

A walnut bounced off it’s head. “GO AWAY!”