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Dazed and confused.
I’m walking around dazed and confused. Robotic. I thought I loved my job now I’m not too sure. I’ve been let down. Everywhere. Work was the last place I felt ok. But now I’ve been let down here. Not that I felt appreciated before. But now I really feel like I don’t belong here. Maybe it’s time to move on. But with all my struggles and insecurities, i don’t know if I can. Where would I go?
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ill
I feel fat and ugly and everything negative about myself. My mental health is so bad even though I know I can make changes to feel better about myself I can’t do them. I wish it was laziness so at least I could call myself lazy. But I know that’s not it. I feel nothing. And I know I’m sick. That’s the worst part knowing and not being able to do anything about it.
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Tears
Have you ever cried so hard that your eyes are swelling shut. Have you ever cried so hard yet so silently. Have you ever felt so alone yet you still sob quietly. Have you ever felt so broken and shattered that the pieces look too small and too scattered that you can't figure out where it started and how you will be able to put the pieces back together. Have you ever been awake at 3 in the morning wondering why and how did you break. What a terrible way to feel right?
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nothing is ever different
i thought things had changed, i was feeling good. Everyone seemed fine. There wasn't so much differences so much less of butting heads. We were talking we wanted to talk. sure we argued but it wasn't the same, calmer. But I should have known better. things never change. things are never different. things are never better. it never lasts. everything is nothing but an illusion.
Im always the one left crying though. why? Im always the one that looks crazy.and they're “innocent” in all this. fuck. what bullshit. they make me look like I'm this totally insane person thats just mad. that i make no sense. GOD! am I really that crazy am I really that intolerable and out of control!? I try so hard i really really do. but they just keep pushing my buttons. to where yeah i do start feeling like I'm crazy but thats after I've stated my case, with protest of how wrong i am. do my thoughts and opinions not matter? i should know better. my thoughts and feelings and opinions have never mattered. I have truly always been an outcast. this family has never really seen me. It is why I have for so long wanted to die. why i have always felt like i didn't belong. but for the first time in forever really i felt good. I felt normal. of course minus some anxiety and minor struggles and set backs. and what felt like normal arguments with them, i felt seen. But it was all a lie. it was all a lie... that is what makes me sad. the fact that it wasn't real. and i should have known, i really should have known. as much as i want to ignore this and go back to those good thoughts and feelings, my brain is still weak and i don't know if i could come out of this, or if i will again start falling into the hole. oh god. i don't want to go back in there. my mind is not strong enough. I will cast a rope down there and hope that it is strong enough to get me out. because god knows no one here will help me, no one here will even see or hear my calls for help...
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I dont belong
never in my life have i felt at place. such a weird feeling, but I've never felt like i fit. anywhere, ever since i can remember, I'm talking 5, 6 years old here. I've felt in a way, like a ghost. you know, there but not really there. seen but not seen heard but not heard, you get the point. i know i know it just sounds like your typical I'm not loved i don't belong drama. But is it normal to feel like that since birth, i would say no, but who am i, I'm not a doctor. you know when you're a kid and they ask you 'what do you want to be when you grow up?" well is it normal to not have an answer to feel like you can't see yourself in the future at 6 years old! tell me is that normal??!?!! i truly want to know. it was like a blank like nothing absolutely nothing there. no dreams no aspiration no hope. NOTHING. I'm not sure if thats a normal feeling for a 6 year old. amongts other anxieties at such a young age i kept growing up scared of the future, and not in the sense of not wanting to grow up. but in a sense that what was i going to do what direction was i going to take.what would i become when there was nothing that i wanted to be. i felt a huge blank like i don't know how to describe this feeling that i had and have for as long as i have lived. now as an "adult" I'm petrified that i still feel the same and i have done nothing with this life. and i still feel like there is nowhere that i belong i still feel that blankness i still feel this emptiness. i really can't think of a time where i felt like i fit like i belonged. i don't want to be here anymore, i haven't wanted to be here for such a long time. I'm just a waste of space, like i have previously said,..
on a side note. I'm such a bitch and i hate myself i wish i were different i wish i didn't hate so much. everything would truly be better if i weren't here.
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this is how depressed people try and look on the brighter side of things. ugh. #storyofmylife #iwishicouldbehappy #depression
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horrible human
I'm such a waste of space such a horrible human being, i wish that i could just disappear. go off in a cloud of smoke....nah. that sounds to dramatic. i just font want to be here, in this house, in this place, in this world. Why am I like this. just why? i just want to vent and just yell and scream and shout and get it all out but i know i will never be empty of these feelings. and no one will understand and no one understands and they don't care and really why should they.this sounds so emo, so 2004. this is my world, this is my mind. 24/7 . if there was such a thing of erasing a mind, i would be the first in line. and then maybe i wouldn't be this way. and then maybe i would be "normal". I'm such a waste of space and time, such a waste of energy. if i could just explode into nothing and no one would know. but its not that easy to leave. theres things left behind. physically and emotionally. and I'm not talking about stuff. who cares about stuff. you leave a body that someone had to find. you leave questions that will never be answered. you leave some people that might actual care. but clearly they don't care enough because here i sit with this fake smile on my face and here they sit staring back at me saying she's ok.
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True love
Today I witnessed true love. And it was beautiful. I wish it was easier to find.
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Thoughts
What if I told you that all I think about is jumping…all I want to do is jump.
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