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sike-sarah-blog · 6 years

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Thank You.

Around this time last year, i met someone who i was ready to spend the rest of my life with. He was everything i had ever dreamed of in a partner and best friend. He was smart, mature, funny, open, kind, romantic, and... loyal, i thought. I immediately fell in love at first sight and we began a relationship on our second date. I never asked questions and never for one second thought it was weird because it just felt so right. We connected on a level i didn’t know existed. He taught me so many things that I’m still grateful for today. He taught me how to feel beautiful in my own skin, he taught me true confidence, he taught me how to toughen up, he taught me to love Star Wars and how to eat everything with honey and yum yum sauce. He taught me about the moon and about NASA and attempted to teach me string theory (that didn’t work out). We had a love like one out of a movie... or so i thought.

In January he became distant. I didn’t think anything of it, because he was about to graduate from UVA and was working on graduate applications and an internship at the same time, so i let that slide. He would go days at a time without responding to me, but he always made it up to me. And then finally, he just didn’t. He became more and more distant and by the time i even noticed, he was completely gone. He completely erased me from his life without so much as a reason. For two months i was trying so hard to understand why he had gotten me a beautiful Valentine’s Day gift, a coupon for a “sneak peek” of our one year anniversary, only to block me from every aspect of his life like i hadn’t existed, less than two weeks later. That was the lowest i had ever been in my entire life. I wasn’t eating, i wasn’t sleeping, and every moment i was awake i was crying or obsessing over why i wasn’t good enough for him to stay. I was also hard to be friends with at this point, and lost people who weren’t meant to stick around, but also gained people who i knew would stay even during the hard times.

After agonizing about this for weeks, i got a friend request on Facebook from his fiancé. Yes, you read that right. I began messaging her begging her for answers and i didn’t get a reply until about a month later. She was an ex of his that reconnected with him in the middle of our relationship and he hid it from me for 3 months. Continued to buy me things, tell me he loved me, continued to be intimate with me, all while building up another relationship with this other woman. She tried so hard to justify his actions to me as if i was overreacting to something, claiming that he thought he was doing the right thing. Fast forward: i blocked her soon after that conversation. I had realized it was never me that was the problem. You have to be seriously sick and demented to be able to manipulate someone like that and be okay with it, while also convincing someone else to be okay with it. I also realized during all this pain, that i was meant to learn something from this.

So i stopped pushing myself to get better and i just let myself wallow in it so i could really try to understand what i needed to change. I let myself go deeper into a depression than in the beginning. I knew that you needed to see the absolutely bottom before you get back to the top. You have to be able to appreciate where you’re going so you don’t have to go back again. You have to learn from your pain. I started to notice subtle changes in myself that shocked me. I was going out and making new experiences and letting myself be submerged in the moment, which my anxiety never let me do before. I got into more hobbies, i was stronger, tougher, wiser, and more confident than ever before.

I became a woman i never thought i could be. And i absolutely owe it all to my ex. I owe my greatest accomplishment to you, Matthew Anderson.

#breakups #growth #pain #love #lovestory #thankyou

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sike-sarah-blog · 6 years

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M (draft)

i remember when you found out i was cutting myself at 15 years old. you yelled at me for hurting you.

i remember when i told you i was suicidal at 16 years old. you screamed at me for not telling you earlier.

i remember telling you that i was dealing with anxiety and depression in college. you tell me “i don’t know what you want me to do.”

you tell me i don’t know how to be an adult when you’re the teacher.

i make mistakes, you blame me for not being more careful.

you say you’re there for me, but make me too afraid to say a word.

you crush my self-esteem and then wonder why i’m too scared to express my emotions.

i tell you you’re hurting me, you tell me i’m overreacting.

i tell you i’m suffocated in my own home, you tell me to leave.

i tell you how you can comfort me in a way that will help me, you blame me for being ungrateful.

i tell you what i need, you tell me what you think i already have.

i tell you to look in the mirror, you tell me you don’t need one.

but then you tell me you love me and i hate myself for hating you.

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