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I would have given her my entire liver if it meant she would still be here now. She deserved to live, not me. She deserved to still fucking be here. She was only 44.
I honestly do not know how to cope with this.
She deserved to live to see her kids grow up. She deserved to live to see her 25th anniversary with my brother next year. She deserved to grow old together with him.
I couldn't sleep so I stayed up going through her Facebook and pinteret while listening to Jack Johnson and just seeing all of the things that she saved that she should be here crafting or baking.
I would have given up my entire life for her.
FUCK YOU CANCER.
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My sister in law has 2 months left to live. This will be her last mother's day with her kids and husband. This world is a really fucked up place.
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It's been a while.
I'd like to be able to say things are great. I can't. I honestly don't even know where to start.
We're losing my sister in law. She has liver cancer and things aren't going well. She has been fighting cancer for a long time. Yesterday was a very scary day because it was a last ditch attempt to help her. She had surgery to put in some tubes in her liver to help her levels go down. If that didn't work it was over. At least things went well with that but things still aren't good. Regular chemo and radiation isn't working so they tried immunotherapy and that also wasn't working. I'm not really sure what is next but they are going to try everything and anything as long as her liver levels keep going down. Growing up it really felt like she was my mom. Like she cared about me so much. I spent weekends with them and watched my niece and nephew grow up. They took me everywhere with them and I felt like I mattered. They moved to northern california when I was around 12 because it was cheaper up there and I was absolutely shattered. She was my mom growing up. She bought be face wash and stuff to help with my acne and clothes so I wasn't wearing the same stuff every day. My own mom only bought be the same shirts and pants and I kept getting made fun of because people thought I wasn't washing my clothes. I told my sister in law about it and they didn't have very much money and she still went with me and helped me pick out clothes. She helped me learn how to take care of my hair which was huge because before that I had no idea.
I feel so helpless. I want to go see her and hug her so bad. Michael can't take time off of work and we just also can't afford to go see her right now.
Speaking of can't afford. Soon we won't be able to afford anything. When my husband as a fresh 18 year old his parents talked him into going to college and taking out so many loans and then he actually wasn't able to end up getting his degree. He had a psychotic episode at school related to overdoing it at school and also the drugs his parents got him hooked on. So he got kicked out of his school. Eventually he did end up getting his Associates degree. But him not understanding loans and his parents making him leave to college landed him in about $65,000 worth of student loans that we are now being made to pay back. I understand that some day they need to be paid back. But I also understand that he makes exactly $19 above the poverty level so we can't defer his loans to pay later anymore. Now we either have to pay $1800 a month or they garnish his wages and take basically everything. We aren't going to be able to pay any of our bills. He makes $2000 a month... sometimes less. Also apparently we can't even do the income based repayments because that isn't a thing anymore?!?!? Thank you so much current administration. I have no idea what we are going to do.
I am at home helping to take care of my mom with Parkinsons and my dad who has had several breakthrough seizures this past year to be here to remind him to take his pills on time.
I never thought this would be my life.
I just wanted what my parents had. I am so lost.
I wish I could become one of those cool influencers who could ask for help with their bills. I don't have the personality for that.
It just seems like life keep on hitting. We just lost two of my cats and my soul dog. We are about to lose my sister in law. And we are about to lose our entire income.
Tonight I'm blasting Rainbow Kitten Surprise in my headphones and playing Call Of Duty just to avoid completely crashing out.
Lastly.. I am just SO FUCKING GLAD I DIDNT ALSO GO TO COLLEGE. Fuck college. I wish trying to become smarter and further your education didn't ruin your life.
Tomorrow I'm making a list of the feeding America food giveaways I need to go to this month. We can't afford groceries.
My husband works so hard. He loves helping children with autism learn to live their lives He even got his Regestered Behavior Technician certification. He works 40+ hours a week and we still can't afford to live.
My husband is my best friend and I share everything with him yet I feel so alone sometimes.
Often times I just don't feel compatible with this life. Like no matter how hard I try nothing is good enough.
My birthday is this month and my husband was crying earlier because he can't afford to get me anything now. I don't want anything but that broke my heart into little pieces.
Why do some terrible people get to live such great and extravagant lives while all I want to do is buy groceries to feed my family dinner and I can't even do that? I feel like such a failure.
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