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sincelastsession · 2 months

Text

Goodbye for now Joshua.

What happened today was not ok.

I thought that the LPC was there to observe.

I believe you have mentioned before we may not be a good fit.

I do not feel understood and I'm myself having problems communicating with you.

I'm going to give you feedback one last feedback unless you will take me back as a patient later on after I get my second opinion.

I do not feel that you were informed enough about high-functioning female autistics.

I do feel that you have me penned for something that I am not

I do feel that you think that I am making excuses for my behavior and not taking accountability.

I am not making excuses for my behavior I am telling you the cause of the behavior and then I'm telling you that I'm telling you that I want to work on that however I am not understanding how you're trying to get me to work on that.

Mentioning a talking stick several times during session was fucking rude.

Do you have any idea about my trauma that involves a talking stick.

Because we have not discussed all of my traumas or the things that trigger me.

I have only been able to tell you a small portion of things that I was hoping to get to with EMDR therapy.

I have not been hyper verbal or the way that I am my entire life. In the past 6 years something has made that worse and I do not know what it is I do not know if it is neurological or if it is trauma related in a reaction that I have been having I do not know I have no answers for you about that I only have educated guesses based on my own past history in my knowledge of myself

It is very hard for me to calm down and compose myself when I have 2 people coming at me or what I feelLooks like and feels like an interrogation. I feel that both of you need to reflect on how you came across to me

I did tell you that I had not taken my anxiety medicine and I might be a little snippy but I had not taken it because I wanted to go ahead and take the testing and Answer those questions for you to go over without my anxiety medication in my system so we could see a more clear view that maybe the medicine would have blocked or maybe I'm wrong and I should have taken it and I should have taken the testing but there was a clear misunderstanding of what was going to be happening today and I was not ready for it

And if you understand autistic people then you would understand that if they are not ready to work on something or if there's a sudden change in a schedule we have issues that we have to work out in our minds to adjust to the new situation when we were prepared for another situation

I don't think you understand

I think you have me pinned for something else that I am not experiencing.

I don't know how to phrase that better and I'm trying to think of a better way to phrase it because I have communication issues with you and your LPCI did not have communication issues with other therapists.

I had quite a few wonderful therapists before you and I was just out of their realm of practice because they did not do intense trauma and PTSD therapy

I was doing well until my nightmare neighbors moved in and started to harass me

The only thing that I have done in the beginning was to ask her to have her children not play in front of my apartment and they were not even Her children they were other people's kids that She is watching every single day

I sent you that email for therapeutic purposes so you could see how they were acting towards me when I put a camera up when they did not think that I could hear nor see them

I have not been awful to these people

I have called the police when the courtesy officer has told me to do so when he was not on-site and he did not agree with the behavior at the time and so I did what I was instructed to do by him by the office by the upper management

That is in the email that I sent I believe and if I left it out I guess I made a mistake

I did not mean to make you uncomfortable or cross a boundary of any form and I did not really think it was boundary crossing because my psychiatrist wanted to know what was going on as well

He is keeping documentation in case I need to Sue patrician management. Because my mental health has gotten worse because of these people terrorizing me. I am not doing anything to them I am walking to and from my apartment we're going outside to water my plants.

I don't think you or your LPC quite understand the situation here and yes I am going to be moving away from this hell.

I don't think she understood nor was informed that I could not immediately Move out

The way that I was spoken to I took it as a very threatening way because of the tone of voice the body language and things that you guys didn't even notice that you did

I was not trying to be insulting asking you about your experience with autistic patients. I was suggesting that you take some sort of courses on it and some possible sensitivity training which I wanted to add to that because I do not think that you are coming off sensitive enough with me and I don't know your other patientsSo I can't speak for them. But for me the sensitivity was lackand that just may be how you are and I don't hate you for it and I don't hate you for today but I am pissed off I do feel that it was some unprofessional things that occurred

Leaving me to cry in your office without sitting down and speaking to me and helping me calm down was awful

You did not check to release see if I was going to be okay

You just wanted me out for your next patient even though you took me in 10 minutes late

I have a very difficult time holding my thought and I do not interrupt people to be rude

I understand that it's very difficult to talk to me and I have to live with my own issues and it is hell for me

I think baby I made a mistake choosing a male therapist who doesn't seem to understand me or my female point of view Or the struggles that I have been through

I am a very reactive person I have been through hell I am in a flare of many of my disorders and no it's not an excuse it's true facts

So if you want to say symptoms are not it really doesn't matter

What matters is I'm having problems I informed you of that you disregarded that and invalidated me by telling me that I was making excuses when I was trying to tell you that is a reason that it is occurring I didn't say that I'm not accountable for things

I'm mentally take accountability for everything I do I know that every action has a reaction

Telling me the same thing over and over again every single session is not helping you can't beat it into my head when I already understand

I really don't think that both of you realized how you came across to me or how you could have been perceived by me even though I tried to explain and you both could have changed your demeanor calm down or taken a pause and re-evaluated the situation and that did not happen

Now I've been in therapy for 25 years I do not understand why the LPC had to mention how long she had been a therapissed what was the point of that

Were we trying to play a game about who knows More about what because I Don't claim to Know More than either of you though I probably do Know More on some subjects I don't care if that is insulting I am speaking my truth. And you have told me yourself that I know a hell of a lot more than a lot of therapists you know you said that to me in one of my first sessions.

And I'm not trying to be an ass about that either so I hope you're not reading this wrong if you even read this at all since you skim everything I write and then you seem to cherry pick things out of it instead of like looking at the big picture and I understand I write a lot and I speak a lot but if you understood that people with hyperverbal AD HD have problems communicating Then why is this like the main focus right now I have much more pressing matters that do not involve the way I speak to work on

The way I speak has been under fire my whole life the way I have done everything has been under fire my whole life I am not on this Earth to please everyone

And I'm sorry if you have problems working with me because I am that way

If I could magically fix it I would but I keep telling you that I cannot fucking control it and I can shut up when you want me to shut up but it's not going to last for long because the compulsions come forward and I can't hold it in and it's painful and I don't think you understand because you don't experience that

It hurts to not be understood

It hurts to not know the right words to say and then have your therapist and a guest jump to conclusions and put you on the spot when you didn't even walk into therapy today thinking that this was going to happen or being prepared for it As an autistic person in autistic people in general that I know we need to be prepared for what we're going into because many of us don't like surprises

I agreed to it because I thought I had a level of trust with you

I have spoken to my mother about this session that we had and she is not upset with me she understands what she did was wrong she talked to me about that

And I didn't tell her to come to that conclusion

I spoke to her before we had that session and I asked her what would we be talking about in session because I did not want to get an argument with her and she listed off the things that she wanted to talk about and she left that out

So yes I was very reactive to her complaint

And no it wasn't correct

However I did in fact leave her alone about it as per request

So I did take accountability for that

As for my neighbors I am not going to stop calling noise complaints when it's noisy I am not going to quit following the rules of the complex and quit listening to what the office and the courtesy officer tells me to do. The Times I have called the police The Times I have called the courtesy officer The Times I have gone up and spoken to the office all of this has been occurring since they moved in and they have been nothing but nasty to me and other residents here in so the office wanted evidence of this

And I provided some of the evidence for it and I made a report about child abuse

That email got sent to you and I already explained that and I apologize if that was very upsetting for you cause I did not think that it would be boundary crossing. I was sending it so you could look at it and go oh this is why she's so upset because this is how the people talked about her and they talk about me to my face like that as well

I do not look them in the face I do not respond to any of this behavior I walk to my apartment I open my door and I go and try to just not do anything about it until it's driving me fucking crazy because I can't get any sort of artwork done or get anything cleaned I can't concentrate because it really is that loud and I have lived here for 5 years and I have not had an issue with any other tenants who have also been people of color And I don't understand why me saying people of color was such a big deal.

I was just trying to give a descriptor for the demographic in which I live around and that is not a big deal to me if it was a bunch of white people I would have said it was a bunch of white people I was trying to be politically correct

And I'm sure that like most people I have a little bit of racism because we all have micro aggressions but in this case it has nothing to do with race in my opinion

And I was worried that you guys would take it that way and it seems like you guys did unless I'm misunderstanding

I am not a hateful person

I am an angry person

I am a person that likes to follow the rules and has a strong sense of Justice

I do need to work on a lot of things and I'm gonna go see someone else and talk to them and see what they think and get a second opinion for a little while

I really do think that your thoughts on me and you're understanding of me is just not right

It is very triggering that all we seem to be doing is focusing on how I speak and come across to people when I have already confirmed that I'm not trying to come across that way and that is just how I speak and I don't really have much control over it no matter what diagnosis or symptoms I am having problems with that

And oftentimes when we are in session and you are explaining something to me I already understand what you're trying to say within the first sentence now I'm not trying to future predict everything you're saying I'm trying to sit there and listen to All of It but pretty much 9 times out of 10 I already understand

So I don't know why it keeps getting brought up

Because if I wanted somebody to criticize me for the way I speak instead of Bein patient with me in understanding and compassionate and caringThen I would go talk to my abusive father that has a problem with everything I do and say

If I wanted to be bitched out about how I speak I would just call my father and try to talk to him until he hung up on me after cursing me out and telling me that I'm a stupid shit and that I never shut up and that I should just shut the fuck up and that I'm interrupting him when he's interrupting me and you know I do give people pause is for them to speak but they're not recognizing that I guess I'm not waiting long enough in between pauses

But I suppose that doesn't matter right now because I'm gonna go see another DR therapist and see if she is a better fit for me if she can work with me in a better way

So I will be taking a break and this is goodbye for a little while and I am pissed because this was not okay how everything went today I don't know if you guys are reflecting on your behavior I'm reflecting on mine though

You know the therapist is also responsible for their actions and what they say to their patients and I hope that you remember that

It ISO k if you don't care that I'm upset but most therapists do like to reflect on what they have said to upset their patients

And usually that's gone over to smooth things over and get on the same page and I don't feel that we have been on the same page for some time now

I feel like bringing my parents in and you getting a very short time view of them acting on their very best behavior was probably a huge fucking mistake of mine

I did come in to do goal oriented therapy but I also came in to actually just have talk therapy as well

No I was used to the type of therapy my last EMDR therapist who was female did with me it doesn't seem like you do your therapy in a way that I am responsive to

So I'm thinking that it may not be a good fit

I would consider coming back at a later date if my second opinion tells me otherwise I don't know if you would want me back as a patient and I hope you read this and I hope you contact me via email and let me know

And yes right now I'm upset but I don't think I'm going to feel different tomorrow or the next day or the next day

I did leave a message with Chelsea about my feelings of the situation and that I would be getting a second opinion And that I would not be making another appointment untilI get that second opinion which I will be paying for out-of-pocket even though I don't really have the budget feel that it's important enough to fuck my budget up

I am pissed off because I did want to work towards my goals

But you seem to have a giant pet peeve about the way I speak

And I'm not understanding what you're laying down

Because I'm thinking that I'm understanding but then I'm being told that I'm not understanding but how can I be told that when you're not inside my head

I don't know if you both realized some of the behaviors that you exhibited in while talking to me both you and your co-worker were quite talk and not professional and I really do think that you guys need to sit down and talk with one another about how that could have gone better on your parts

I understand where I fucked up

I fucked up because I was having speaking issues as I am autistic in that happens with autistic people and you don't seem to fucking understand that

So maybe you should not take patients with autism

And the thing is I'm not trying to come across rude I am being Blunt I am just saying what I think if I wanted to be rude I would go name calling and I would be much obviously nasty or it would be very obvious and evident if I wanted to verbally fuck you up

But that's not what I'm trying to do I'm trying to communicate the best way I can and oftentimes that comes out as Blunt and very jarring to allistic people.

I'm really hurt Joshua

You heard me crying

I usually don't cry that hard in a therapist's office ever

That is something that I usually save for private time to get it out of my system

I was not angry crying I was hurt

And I do not think that you and your partner are very self-aware about how you came across with me and if you're coming across with me like that how are you coming across with other patients how many other patients have left

I've been in therapy for 25 years but I have not been in therapy for 25 years for the same things there have been many misdiagnosis and many different issues that I have experienced since I was 12 years old Originally I went into therapy because I was mimicking my parents behavior and cursing and acting out at school towards authority

I was also very depressed because my home life was fucking terrible and I got diagnosed with dysthymia

My father and mother pushed to find diagnosis for me instead of just you Know thinking about the fact that I was a Pretend and Then teenager who was helicopter and passive neglectful parenting at the same fucking time

I was grossly abused since I was the age of 2 at 12 years old my grandfather on my mother's side fucking molested me which almost turned into a rape

And then I was invalidated when I tried to speak up on it when I was younger so then my brain protected me and I forgot about it till I was in my 20s

There are hundreds of more incidents of people being inappropriate with me that I have not gotten to share with you

I'm not exaggerating

I'm not a victim I'm a fucking survivor of horrible types of abuse of horrible things that were not just sexual abuse

I did not feel comfortable trying to tell you everything because it's really hard for me to stay on track and then I only get a small amount of time with everything I need to get out of my system and let you know that's imperative for my treatment and said to be fussed at about me attempting to do that without being too terrible is really distressing

And now that I'm home and I have cats laying on top of me because they know I'm really fucking stressed out I'm trying very hard to talk to you through my journal and explain what exactly is going on

I'm trying to verbalize better than I could in session because it felt like somebody would say something to me I wouldn't get a chance to respond properly in a thoughtful way because I would have needed more time to think but I felt like I was on the chopping block and under pressure by 2 people coming at me I thought that she was going to sit there take notes and then ask if she could ask me a question or 2 I did not think that it would become a 2 therapist session I don't think that it's a good idea that you do that with me or another Patient again and that's just my opinion in my opinion might not fucking matter to you at all and that's fine but I'm going to say it anyway

I considered having one more session with you to discuss what went on and how it was not okay in certain instances and how we probably are not a good fit and I wanted to have a peaceful parting of ways but I don't think that that is going to be possible with the way that you react with me

And I don't think that you are able to see nor your co-worker are able to see how you react towards your patients or how you react towards me in particular I'm not quite sure if you'll act the same way with your other patients I'm guessing noI'm guessing that the way I talk and the way I was coming off even though I told you that I had not had my anxiety medication and I was snippy because I was stressed out

And the way that You both spoke to me was overly assertive like I'm a dumb ass and wouldn't listen and I did listen

You know my brain doesn't exactly process the same way as yours does and I have explained this on multiple visits I have explained this in my journal and I'm not sure if you read that I'm not sure if you have looked up and read the Mayo clinic articles and NIH articles the clinical ones not just web MD type shit

That is what I read that is where I educate myself about my problems from

I use medical textbooks that I find online to educate myself about my own disorder and my own health issues because I have too because I have been misdiagnosed and I have been mistreated

And being mistreated in therapy and outside of therapy in other Doctor appointments and just in general throughout my entire life has made me a very reactive person

And I understand that maybe yeah you do want to help me and maybe you do care but I really feel conflicted here

Because yes I'm getting a second opinion

And I have this sort of misplaced guilt of some form that I am doing that but I need to see for myself if I need to see someone else or if your view is the same as this random therapist that I just decided to pick and make an appointment with who also does EMDR.

So I will go and find that out

If I decide that I am a wrong big stupid fuck head after seeing this new therapist and I discontinue therapy with her because I have already discussed that I wanted in a second opinion

Then I would consider becoming your patient again but right now I need a break I really do this is too much

I have told you that me speaking is a trigger people criticizing how I talk and how much I talk is a trigger

Do you understand that people with attention deficit disorder oftentimes verbalize things that are going on in their head out loud they process out loud that's why I talk so fucking much and then having ocd along with that comes with compulsions that I cannot fucking control and then having APT SD flare and anxiety issues on top of that has created a fucking forest fire with jet fuel

And I have had a traumatic brain injury due to a car wreck that was not my fault

And my brain got shaken up and I was worse than all of this at 1 point and then I got better and then suddenly everything got worse and we don't know why

So I know how I was before and I am frustrated already with how I am now and hearing other people criticize me for things that I'm already beating myself up 4 is very aggravating and very hurtful

And no I do not feel seen or heard or understood by you currently

I believe that you may understand some of it but I do not think that you are seeing the big picture of the situation I'm in and how I'm feeling and how I'm doing

I do not think that you understand what it's like to have to resist compulsions

Don't think you understand what it's like to have a thought in your head so you can respond to somebody when they're done speaking while you're trying to listen to them as best you can because you have problems paying attention due to symptoms frothat is very real

And I'm upset and I'm torn about all of this.

I mean maybe it's just not a fit.

I have never meant to frustrate or cause anyone distress

I do have a very complex case and so maybe it's not the right case for you idk.

All I do know is that I am left hurting if there was no form above aftercare really

And that is unprofessional it doesn't matter how old the patient is

I understand you had to go check with your next patient and I understand we were going overtime but the patient before me went overtime

So that wasn't fair to me

You did come in the room but you did not really check on me you just told me I needed to go

I'm not okay

That is not how I have ever had any therapist Treat me with such a stoic response to me being truly hurt and upset and I have seen quite a few in my lifetime

You know I'm sure your LPC saw a lot of things that she didn't like and heard a lot of things that she didn't like and I'm sure she agrees with you because you both work together but the problem is with those sort of situations

Is you both know each other. So of course without knowledge of my history she is going to buddy up with you and agree

I really didn't need to therapist on me at once I really thought it was more of an observation thing and I did think about getting up and walking out several times or asking her to leave several times

And I did have to pause and take my anxiety medicine and that should have been a clue for everybody to calm down at me and I did ask if we could change subjects because it was escalating inside and I did not want to have the reaction that I did

When I go to therapy to work on my goals in my problems I am looking for compassion from a therapist and I don't think that it's wrong that the way that you are as a therapist I just don't know if it's a good fit

Because I'm not experiencing the kind of compassion and understanding that I'm used to with other therapists

That's okay because obviously you have other patients and you do things differently

And it may not be for me

But I am sad and I am pissed off because I really did want to work towards those goals with you

And I would be happy to go see another EMDR therapist and then work on goals with you separately

I already spoke to the woman that I made an appointment with for Thursday

She said that many of her patients see her for EMDR and they go to another therapist for cognitive behavior therapy or other therapies

I asked Chelsea if you would be up to possibly doing things that way impossibly communicating with the EMDR therapist that would probably be better for me as she is a woman and I have not had good luck with men in psychological health care aside from psychiatrists.

I saw a male psychologist before and he was extremely inappropriate so I was actually pretty nervous to come see you until I was told that you were a gay man and that I could talk about sensitive subjects with you

So that made me feel safer however I have realized that because you are not a woman with the unique experience of being a woman and dealing with the things that we have to deal with though I'm sure you'd have dealt with some of those things.

You know II don't feel like I couldn't say anything right or I see too much or not enough or it's the wrong phrasing and it's just beating me down my entire life I was 28 years old living with my father still and being harassed and beaten down verbally every fucking dayAnd I still get that every time I talk on the phone and in person he has to be in control of me

It is a theme in my life that people have always had to correct me and be in control of me

I have learned about circle of control a very long time ago and I understand it and yes I do need reminders sometimes however bringing up my neighbors and this volatile situation as an example to use for circle of control and everything was wrong that was wrong today

And I've already addressed that yes I crossed your boundary I apologized for that I did not know it was a boundary I thought it would be helpful for my therapy that was my train of thought I will not email you again anything to do with this crap

If you lived here and you went through what I went through and you had the money to move you would have already moved I promise you

And you might disagree with me and that's okayAnd I'm not going to fight with you about it but I'm not sitting there lying to you or exaggerating when I tell you that these people target me and I have not done anything for them to do that

Just like I can control me not directly speaking to them and keeping my head down and not responding to their behavior towards me when I am outside of my apartment

They could control themselves which they don't seem to be able to do. These people are likely people that got kicked out of their last living situation by the way that they act and they treat others in this complex I am not the only one who has called the cops who is gone to the office etc

And I am not the only one that they are harassing and bullying

And the other people that they are harassing and believing have never done a damn thing to them either

So I really don't appreciate being asked what I did for them to act that way towards me I did everything I was instructed to do so I did not break any of the lease rules and the property rulesCan I have gone to the office to clarify that I am not breaking any rules even before these people moved in

To paint you a better picture we had a drug dealer living in that apartment before they moved in and he was incredibly polite despite what he did for a living in the kind of people that were in and out of his apartment daily which is what got him evicted

Now that medical marijuana and weed is not such a big deal to police officers so I have been told recently by the Courtesy officer who walked me to my car so I could get there safely while people were taunting me in the damn background

However you know these people are also smoking weed inside their home around small children which is illegal whether or not you have a medical prescription

And I have reported that as well because that is child a use and illegal use of medical marijuana or The drug in general if it's not medical

So I don't see what I'm doing is wrong nobody in this community wants these people living here I'm not the main person going after them either I am one of many people having issues

So I don't see what I'm doing is wrong nobody in this community wants these people living here I'm not the main person going after them either I am one of many people having issuesThey seem to think it's just me. So that is why I am getting all the shit. I did speak with our office to see if I could have a meeting with the residents of apartment 60 and have a mediation of some form because they do offer that

The front office told me that they thought it would be a bad idea because of how reactive those people are

Their lease is not going to be renewed because of behavior they have exhibited towards me in several of my neighbors

It's not a viction but it's good enough for me however I do not know how long their leases as I am not privy to that information

So I have put a camera up in order to protect myself because I have been verbally threatened and called names by children teenagers and grown adults and this has been an ongoing thing and the on-site officer knows about it and has told me to keep him updated via email because he is not happy with it and he needs a reason to slap an eviction notice on their door from the front office

So I hope that that paints a better picture of the situation for you I have done nothing but ask children to move out of my space and I have called About noise complaints that were quite reasonable because I had my 31 dB ear protection on and could still hear screaming in my home which is horribly triggering and it's not good for me and my psychiatrist told me that I needed to move

About noise complaints that were quite reasonable because I had my 31 dB ear protection on and could still hear screaming in my home which is horribly triggering and it's not good for me and my psychiatrist told me that I needed to move However I am not financially stable by myself. So I can't just pick up and move I have nowhere to stay my mother's home is filled to the brim with boxes in every room

My father's home is similar there's no place for me to sleep in either home unless I want to sleep on the floor that is cold tile or if I want to sleep on a piss soaked carpetFrom my father not taking proper care of cats in dogs and my mother not doing the same before they were divorced in the entire house smells like cat piss ammonia

So if I had a choice to just quickly move out into a cheap place honestly it would cost more than my rent costs now

It's not like I haven't thought about it it's not like I haven't thought about putting everything I own in a storage unit and just taking my necessities and moving into a bedroom for rent in someone's some strangers home a bedroom for rent in a stranger's home cost more than my rent does here

And believe it or not I have very very cheaprent because this apartment has not been updated since the fifth or 60s I don't know when it was built but it has not been updated since it was built So I pay under $800 a month for this apartment or rather my father pays under $800 a month for this apartment

There aren't many other places that are this big and available that are inexpensive and the smaller places are just as expensive if not more

So yeah I don't really appreciate how everything went with everyone jumping to conclusions and making assumptions about me because I do no cognitive behavior therapy and no I'm not perfect at it I'm having a lot of trouble with it right now and I am trying to go over it I'm actually about to put a phone app back on my phone so I can start recording myself and reflecting about it

But here's the thing Joshua after today you know you did some things that were not cool and so did your LPC

So I am taking a break I'm getting a second opinion and I might see if I can come back and work with you on some of those financially stable goals and some cognitive behavior therapy brush ups or whatever else we could possibly work on that doesn't have to do with the way I fucking speak

But currently I do not think it is a good fit and I'm going to go see someone else and I'm going to see if that's a better fit or if I'm the big fat fucking problem

You know before I went to therapy for complex p was in therapy for other reasons and I did not have a talking issue or a listening issue like you seem to think I have

And you know what I can understand how it looks and I can understand your point of view but you're not correct and I don't know how to explain it to you I can't come up with the correct words so that you go oh I get it I understand now totally get it

But even if you did completely understand it seems like you are irritated with me for most of the session I can read your body language I mean I have complex PTSD I'm a people pleaser I am a pattern recognition autistic

So I do see those things I see the microficial expressions body movement and I saw that with your LPC her body movements were very telling I was worried that she seemed like she wanted to jump across the room at me even though I'm sure she would never do that but you know like I read people's facial expressions I've had to my entire life to try to fit in and understand And I still might be misunderstanding I still might be missing cues so I'm gonna go see this person that works with a lot of autistic patients with EMDR and probably has more patients for that and we're gonna see what's up

I wish you the best and if I call and ask for an appointment to return I would hope that you would welcome me back to see if we could go about things a different way or if we can figure out a way to work together because I don't know what else to do

I really don't know what else to do I have tried very hard to be a good patient

And I just feel really hurt and misunderstood completely

Like I truly feel that you have some idea of me and you have me pinned for something that I am not

And that might not be true but there is something about this that is really hurting me

I mean maybe it's because you do come across as more clinical and goal oriented however I have had therapist that were goal oriented but did not come across clinical and they were easier to communicate with so I don't know what to do here

And I do feel like this weird guilt for being like fuck this I need to go get another second opinion and then if I'm in the wrong I will come back but I don't know if you're going to want me back after this

And I would like to be informed if you do or do not my email is open for you to write me back

If I just sighed to stick with my second opinion I will call and let you know that I will not be returning and you can just do whatever it is you do with patients that don't returns files

I wish you nothing but the best I might remind you that you need to shake your fiddle leaf ferns in the front office every once in a while because they need to know that they're in a tropical environment like when it rains so you have to shake them a little bit and it keeps them from just dying I don't understand why but that's the thing and I thought I'd just let you know if I haven't already done that

I do actually care about you as a person and I think that you're not a bad person I think the things that you have told me that you have done are good and wonderful and you should continue to do those things with your practice and your communit is because you seem to be good at those sort of things and I'm glad that I could get some help from you but we seem to be at a point where I definitely just need to go see someone else for a little while Just see if there's a difference and if it is a proper fit or not

I am frustrated because I really didn't want to begin therapy with someone else all over again but after today it's just pretty clear that I need to do that I need to figure out what's going on

And I think a second opinion will provide me with the correct insight

And yes I am repeating myself and yes that is compulsory and I really truly if I tried to not do it would feel like I was dying and I don't know how to describe what that physical feelings feels like it is very painful and uncomfortable it's like being attacked by a whole bunch of bees in your brain and it hurts and then parts of my body will hurtI mean one reason that I was crying after session is because I was holding in so many things that I needed to talk aboutAnd it was mentally and physically painful

I am literally sitting here shaking with both of my ESA cats on me.

No after care after a session like that not cool

Or perhaps I Made a huge fucking mistake by assuming that you did after care when patients are upset because most EMDR therapists do that especially after going over trauma's in general

Maybe you were not trained that way

But to my knowledge that is what supposed to happen when a patient is in distress

So if you would like to call or email or text me you may

I would like some civil reply of some form please

I'm not trying to be controlling here I know it might look that way I suck at talking apparently

Like I just suck at communicating

And it doesn't seem to be understood very well and I don't know how to say this and I keep repeating myself because I don't feel that I'm saying it correctly

But I'm hurt because it is so frustrating to try and communicate with someone that's trying to help me but doesn't quite understand that they haven't everything a little bit wrong

And this was just not an okay session at all for me to be so upset that I have to call and make an appointment with a whole different therapist for a second opinion.

I'm not trying to be a bitch when I give you feedback

I don't know how else to communicate certain things and I know that you wanted to help me with that but you were not helping me

I don't think that our communication styles are the same

I am sad and I wish I could have a goodbye for now session with you.

So maybe in the future we could pick up when I'm doing a little bit better and I could be helped with things unless this new therapist can help me with all the same things you can and then I may stick with her

And yes right after the appointment I got in my car and I screamed and I screamed and I screamed and I fucking screamed because it hurts

And then I just started calling people and this is the one that picked up so I'm gonna go see her

I am going to take care of myself until I drop

I would not be in therapy if I didn't think that there were things I needed to work on

But you know we have spoken about these things multiple times and I have tried to explain the best way I know how which is just straightforward but I don't speak in riddles like neurotypical people do

And often people make assumptions off of what I say like it's supposed to be read into

And much of what I say is not needed to be read into

I don't really know what else to say I think I covered everything I don't hate you I don't wish you unwell I don't wish you ill I don't wish the LPC anything bad.

I don't even fucking hate the neighbors other than the fact that they were abusing a child

And you know my focus has not been on them because of my past trauma I was just throwing that out there as a thought that it might be extra triggering since I am in APTSD flare up

You know I would've happily made friends with these people but they had no intention of being friends with or being kind to me to begin with and my neighbor my black neighbors since person of color was the wrong thing to say Even though I was just fucking trying to be politically correct I didn't want to be racist since your co-worker is also black I don't want to piss anybody off that's not my intention at all ever and I'm not a racist person

And it's not like you guys are invisible I did see the exchanges of looks and things of that nature and I don't think it was in relation to what I said I just saw that multiple times during session

When it seems like everybody's mind is made up about me when they don't even fully know me like I don't think you've gathered enough information about me to be honest

When you said you did but I really don't think you have the full picture

I really really needed some sort of aftercare after that and I couldn't verbalize it and I was trying not to go nonverbal the entire time but then I got reactive because of how the LPC spoke to me and how you were speaking to me and the body language and all of that I'm in APT SD flar

So like why isn't that taken into account when you're speaking to me

One would think that a therapist would be a little bit more gentle with a patient who is having lots of distress in her life

I mean you don't even know what else is going on because I haven't had a chance to talk to you about any of that

It seems also that you are overloaded with other patients

And I don't know if I were a therapist and I had as many patients as you probably do I probably would take a look at my psychology today profile and put not accepting new patients

But it's not my practice and I don't know what you get up to with your practice but that's just an opinion again

Anyhow my opinions are not meant to be insulting just to clarify

Like I'm really really really not trying to be a bitch and I do apologize if it's coming off that way

Because that's not how I want to he coming across to people

I never expected you to fuss at my parents

I didn't think that you would even take up for me with them because it doesn't seem to be your style of therapy

And I completely understand that And I would like to clarify that I'm not holding any sort of resentment I'm just bringing it up to bring it up it's just as simple as that

I'm just really tired of being misunderstood

That is one reason I asked you about your training with autism which I don't really believe I got an answer to and your co-worker got pissed off when I was not even asking her the question and it wasn't her question to answer

So it seems like you guys were more reactive at me than I was actually being reactive

I felt like everybody was reading in to what I was saying way farther than what I meant

And trying to form sentences that makes sense and talk to you about things was very difficult today

Because I would say something and it would come under fire and under quesjenning and then you tried to pull more out of me which I didn't know how to say correctly and it took me quite a bit to figure out how to phrase it

I mean maybe it's the fact that I masking or trying very hard to mask when I'm in a complete autistic burnout and it's hard to talk to people who do not also have autism or who or not very informed about women and women's autism

By the way I have had the complex PTSD my entire life the diagnosis happened up leave in 2018 or 2019

Before that diagnosis everybody thought I had borderline personality disorder except for my psychiatrist who disagreed with everyone but couldn't figure out what was going on with me because I was not responding to medication

And then 1 day I had to go to the ER with my mother because I had APT SD episode where I lost touch with reality partially and I had to speak with a doctor in another state that the coroner called a VA doctor in another state to evaluate me.

I don't really need to explain more tbh.

I wish you well I'd like contact back please though.

I will be getting the second opinion and back in touch to see if I want to proceed with them or you or you at a later date.

I'm bothered you may take this wrong.

I hope you don't

I don't know how else to explain.

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sincelastsession · 2 months

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The events since Friday got me fucked up.

I'm in my Rheumatologist's office having a panic attack thinking about how absolutely reactive I have been and am.

I want to cry. I'm so very sick of coming across not my baseline self in sessions and having nasty reactions later.

I did talk to my psychiatrist, he copied the police report. He doesn't think it's personality disorder.

He seems to think it's the combo of symptoms from my diagnosis acting up due to my stressful living conditions though he said it will not hurt for me to do the therapy like cbt dbt etc as it is multipurpose which is fine.

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sincelastsession · 2 months

Text

I'm done bitching about the shit that triggered me.

I apologize for my angry brain vomit. Yes. I can be an ass and no I'm pretty ashamed of most of it. I did need to process but yes I don't want to talk personality disorders for a bit till maybe after we do testing.

I hope you took the things that were important and left the rude things I vented out.

I did feel that way. Today still but less angry.

Bit more worried about this ongoing situation.

I'm sure Chelsea told you. I filed a police report today. They categorized it as a suspicious incident.

I bought a pack of cigarettes otw home. I'm allowing myself one.

I'm sick to my stomach and very angry because I can't do much else

Travis is here and helped me clean by body doubling and picked up a bit despite my protests but my back is messed up so I let him do a little.

My neighbors did loudly march another kid outside not long ago and a little girl yelled "you have to go your momma didn't pay for daycare"

I do think they're fucking with me.

I am feeling physically ill and suuuuper triggered about the child abuse I witnessed. Like Travis even suggested I use my medical to calm down but it's not quite the time of day prefer to wait till I take care of the pain for the day.

Meanwhile there are teenagers smoking definitely not medical weed absolute skunk (too young) on the balcony facing the parking lot.

I feel that trying to take pictures with my phone would incite violence so I don't bother.

I am scared I'll get hurt.

But im more scared for those kids.

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sincelastsession · 2 months

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I just want to stop hurting

I wish I never remembered anything that happened to me.

I want my mom. I want my dad. I want to go home but home never existed except in the eyes of my ex who called this apartment and me home.

Now he's sober and doesn't care to call.

I miss him and I love him.

I hate that I feel that I won't find that again.

I hate that I don't want to fuck any other men but him.

I hate what he did to me.

But I can't explain why love him. I can't get over him.

I literally haven't had interest in anyone else.

It hurts.

At the same time I Love Matt as well very dearly and I don't want be without him.

If I could have the wish of both I feel I'd be happy.

It's so fuckin lonely. I should be going out.

Travis is starting to bother me but he didn't do anything wrong so I don't understand that

People think we're dating. I act like I don't care but I hate it.

I feel isolated but I also don't want people around a lot

I really miss Matthew. They still like my tiktok reposts. I wish he knew how much I love him and how much I miss talking to him. He was the only person I could relax fully around. He was ace but he'd give me sweet kisses and the last time I saw him he kissed me like it was the last kiss I'd ever have. My heart hurts from everything still.

I wish Matt wanted to marry me. I don't care that my meta exists that much aat all. Rarely ever bugs me really Rarely and passes quickly

I had a weirdo come at me the other day. I was putting my groceries in the care and he came up on me and I had to scream. Skinny white guy running the old ,"out of gas scam" and I screamed at him a fuckton about inappropriate it is to approach a woman in the parking lot and he could have hurt me and there were so many people but no one helped

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sincelastsession · 2 months

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I don't even want to be journaling right now it's just compulsive at this point

I don't want this

Of course I want to continue therapy and get better

Of course I have to process my fucking feelings

And people don't think that I'm feeling my feelings but I am I feel them very much so and I wish I didn't

And I don't know how much you understand about autism and treating someone for the things that I have along with autism And possible brain damage from multiple head injuries over the years and other things

Just because I can speak does not mean that I am not having issues that I Can't communicate about

I mean I do nonverbal and I can't even get the words out of my mouth or out of my head and through my mouth

And oftentimes what I'm trying to talk to people I struggle on how to describe what's going on

And it may not look like that it may look like something else completely when I'm writing in this journal

Because I don't know the proper words to say so everybody can go oh I get it

Holy shit I would love for someone to understand I would love for them to go I get exactly what you're talking about Kim I understand exactly what you're going through

But you know what I don't get that unless it's from other people like me

But they still don't know exactly what I'm going through

I do know what they're going through though and I do understand

And I don't care if people believe me or not but I am capable of looking at things from everybody's POV and every possible scenario or conversation goes through my head at mach jesus speed

I mean I probably have a big giant fat dopamine deficiency because I can't be on my medicine

And yeah I'm still having a tancerum about that because I'm mad

Are medical board here sucks ass

It's not even psychiatric people on that board completely when it comes to psychiatric medications

It's just a collection of different doctors from different walks of life that all think that they know better for the state of Louisiana

I've both do and do not want to live in this fucking state

I don't want to live here anymore I want to move

But how do you move to another state how do you move away and find a Doctor that will just keep you on the medication that works

It's almost 6 AM and I feel like I'm gonna fucking hell

My asshole neighbors are going to wake up and make a whole bunch of noise and cause havoc in about 30 minutes and it's going to go on all day long

And I do not think that I can handle that anymore

And yes the lease is not going to be renewed

But that doesn't mean that I don't still have to deal with these motherfuckers who are probably rapidly angry at me

And it wasn't even me this time

I don't know what to do

I don't know what to do about the therapy situation because I really don't feel like you want to work with me I don't feel like you want to be my therapist I don't feel like you want to understand me I feel like you have your own ideas about me and that's what you have set in your head

And yes that is a huge cognitive distortion

But it's also a theory that I have

It's a thought

It's a suspicion

And I don't know why we have to break down everything I do and say and shit on it and it's not you it's just my whole life

When I quit doing things that everybody wanted me to do they got nasty at me

I don't even know what else to say I'm so fucking tired

Like yeah I'm angry but do you know how much grief I'm going through do you know how much it feels like I have is fucking wound that just keeps getting ripped open in the middle of my chest all the time

And then I'm having other like physical health problems I have to deal with you have no idea no one has any idea of what I fucking deal with

Just like other doctors have said I don't know how you're alive well you know what I don't fucking know either other than the fact that I am not interested in passing away quite yet

I plan to be much older than I am right now

But I don't know if my physical health problems will allow me to live that long or if I will be having the quality of life that I need when I hit my parents age or even before that

Like the amount of anxiety I have right now is ridiculous

It's embarrassing I'm fucking embarrassed

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sincelastsession · 2 months

Text

You know I really do not follow these pop culture people that just want to collect disorders like pokemon cards

When people aren't at functions that I go to and they are talking about their problems and everybody is just fawning all over them and going oh no did you cut yourself again

I'm just like confused by that because no one gives a shit about me or my problems and you know what it is

It's pretty privilege

It really is

Now do I think I'm ugly not really

I do think I'm in the wrong body

I'm sure you can understand why that is because of all the medical should have been through with everybody fucking touching me and all of the fucking molestation and SA and rape and all of that

You know I used to enjoy making art and I was in a cartoonist society of Baton Rouge and I was making beautiful comic book art and hanging out with this what I thought was a good group of people who also enjoyed the same things as me

And a man much much older than me tried to take advantage of me in a fucking elevator after he tried to groom me to be his girlfriend which I never wanted to be

And then I left because none of the group leaders would do anything about what he did

And that's a common theme in my life nobody was ever fucking there and even when I told people they didn't fucking believe me

And you know I'm tired of everybody in my life telling me what's wrong with me

What about what's right with me

What happened to that

Every time I ask my parents if they wouldn't mind saying something positive about me they bitch and whine and complain and Sometimes I just hang up

You do it also sucks when you're trying to talk and express yourself and you know that you talk for a while and you're trying to make it short and people keep fucking interrupting you and talking over you and then screaming at you based on things that happened in the past that you're trying not to do anymore but they can't get over it

And then they tell you that certain things that you experience that word traumas are not promised they just fucking invalidate you over and over and over and over and fucking over again

And I guess if we were looking at this through the IFS system which I know pretty well then it's the firefighters and the exiles and the manager all at once flipping out and I am flipping out I am fucking pissed off I am having a hard time I do not like the fact that we had to bring up personality disorders today at all

I do not like sitting in therapy and feeling not heard

I do not like when I already know what you're talking about and I am trying to let you know that you don't have to keep explaining it to me

Because I'm worried about the time that I have to work on things in therapy

And yes I'm aware that you have to talk to me in order to do the therapy but like I don't even know if you realized that you had a run on explanation of something that I caught in the first sentence and I was trying so hard not be rude

Meanwhile my brain is listening and going a million miles an hour

And then at some point I did stop listening because it was hard to just sit there and hear basically the same thing over and over again which I'm sure is annoying because I do that

And I have to live with it and if people think it doesn't bother me then they're wrong

It's not a personality disorder causing it

I know what I was like before this started and I don't know what was the main cause I have many theories but I don't know what caused it

It could have been COVID

I've heard a lot about people having neurological and psychological issues from covid

So I don't know really I don't fucking know anything

I mean that's how everybody thinks I am they just listen to me or they pretend to listen to me and then they tell me I'm wrong about my own self

They tell me I'm wrong about the things I do know about myself and that pisses me off because that's all I have

I can't sit and describe who I am to anybody

If you show me a list of descriptors I will sit there and fucking cry because I don't know how to describe myself

And I know it looks weird written down and said out loud because they're like how could you possibly not know who you are and have those feelings and experience but then sit there and talk about yourself well you know what I don't fucking know I don't understand that at all

Like clearly there's just parts of my brain that aren't making connections

And it's not for lack of trying

I mean it's like being dyslexic and not being able to fucking read

It's like being math dyslexic and not being able to even set up a simple division problem because you can't remember how to do it and when you try to do it you can't even add the fucking numbers or anything or subtract or whatever

You know if basically been fucking bed rotting right

I've been trying to just have some peaceful time to myself

But I never fucking get that

I tried to have some play time with my partner which was you know not sexual but dominant and submissive today after therapy will it started before therapy but he needed to wait till I was Done with my session

And then he needed to wait while I had to try and sort out why the fuck I don't have a refill for a medicine that I can't just stop taking cold Turkey unless I want to die and I don't necessarily want to do that

And this is putting me in a very shitty spot

Because I don't even have full spectrum marijuana right now I am out of my CBD I am out of the correct thing that would keep me from having seizures or help a little bif I completely run out of my medicine

Like do you understand how scary this is for me

I mean it's just like other people who run out of their medicine and they can't operate except this is more dangerous

And I know what risks and danger and things that this medication causes and I keep a very very close watch on it

And people are just baffled that I can be responsible with a benzo

But guess what I fucking am

I am responsible with my medication I don't just take it to get fucked up

And yes I smoke medical marijuana and do I enjoy it sometimes yes because I'm stoned

But I'm also not in pain

And I mean I don't know if you've ever smoked weed yourself but I'm sure you understand if you have

And I don't think there's anything wrong with it I think it's probably the safest method to treat my pain and other problems that I'm having and I do not think it's causing me disassociated issues

I don't think it's causing my brain any issues at all

The only issue about the medication is I've been on it a very long time because it's the only thing that helps

If there was another medicine that helped that I hadn't tried or that didn't have similar chemical structure to another medicine I've been on that would just cause me the same fucking problem I would just take it

And do you have any idea what it's like for me to not be on my ADHD medication

I am fucking miserable

I had a taste of fucking normalcy and then they took it away

I wasn't even on a high-dose

I wasn't even taking my full dose

It actually helped me calm down and shut up

And if I didn't have a heart monitor attached to me till the 30th I would fucking take a little tiny piece 2.5 mg and waltzed into therapy a different person

But I don't think that that's really even a good idea because I don't think that anybody will really understand

And if I do have a personality disorder I don't fucking want to know about it right now

I don't even want to talk about that for a long time

I have hundreds of other things that we could talk about and work on

I'm aware that there is something off with me

And I'm sure that every psyche person in my life has noticed this

You know it's super fucking annoying

I'm angry I'm fucking angry Joshua

I really don't feel understood

I'm not just telling you I don't want to do a certain type of therapy or telling you you're wrong about certain things just to not accept it

I'm not doing it because I'm in denial or anything like that

I'm just flat out telling you that doesn't work for me I've been in therapy for 25 years I know what works and what doesn't by now I'm willing to try but I'm going to tell you that it didn't work before and I have tried

So I really don't know what to do anymore to fix these issues and not all of these issues are old

And I got told that when you get a concussion your brain gets shaken and that is like putting jet fuel on a campfire

And I got told that when I had the distonic reaction that I would probably not ever be back to normal

And I still have problems from that and I still have problems from the concussion because there's things I don't remember now and I tried to tell my doctors this and they're like oh well the memories will come back or they won't

You know other people come home from war And some of them haven't even killed anyone or been in combat and they come home and they're so fucked up from it they just blow their brains out

And I'm going to be an asshole for a second because there's some things that I have also experienced and I know that I must have some sort of I don't know what to call it that keeps me from offing myself

But I have no desire to die but I would like everybody to remember that people would just plain PTSD that had one horrible event happen in their lives will hurt themselves and off themselves and all sorts of stupid shit

And here I am over here with a hard core diagnosis and a lot of fucked up things going on in my life still and lots of trauma going on still since I was born

And why is it that they get to leave why can't I leave

I don't think it's very fair

But I don't necessarily want to do that right now

I probably won't even think about doing that for a very long time

I am so angry I am so fucking angry at everything

I don't know how to stop being angry I don't know how to stop grieving I don't know how to fucking chill out

I am all the time hypervigilant and I have to take fucking sedatives to live a normal life and I don't even feel the sedative fact anymore I just know the difference of what happens if I don't take it it's an instant panic and anxiety attack

And then if I continue to not take it if I keep forgetting to take it then I will get a seizure

And I wish somebody had told me about this when I was younger

And I wish there was another medicine I could take that would help it but there's not

And I really don't want to discuss my medication in therapy anymore unless I get put on something new

Unless it's something that's horribly horribly horribly horribly fucking important I don't want to talk about it

I mean you don't understand how much I fucking hate medicine

I hate it

I have had to take pills my entire life

Not just for psychiatric reason

You know the largest amount of medications I've had to take at once was 24 different pills and I can't even remember all of what they were

I mean I probably have bottles and bottles and bottles and bottles of unfinished medication just lying around the tomb of my old bedroom just like I have bottles and bottles and bottles and bottles and bottles of old medication just laying around my apartment that I really need to collect and go donate or flush or destroy

And when I'm telling you this I'm telling you that they're just there nobody comes in my room nobody touches my medicine

I'm not keeping it for any particular reason it's just something I have not gotten around to taking care of and I did actually ask the pharmacy today where to take it

So now I know and I can collect all the medicine that I am never going to need again and bring it to the fucking pharmacy that they told me to go to and drop it off

I mean yes I know that both medicines I'm on cause disassociation in some people

But and I repeat because yes I know I'm repeating and I can't fucking help it because I'm going to feel awful if I try to not talk about it and I don't know how to explain how that feels but it's awful it is not pleasant I would rather repeat myself a 100 times than have to deal with that feeling it is not even just a feeling it's painful it's like having sudden horrible pain and I already have chronic pain I don't want any more pain

And I feel like yeah my Part of my brain that is hyper vigilant all the fucking time and all my hormones and everything is all fucked up right now

And I'm sure everything will be a lot better when I get the proper like medical treatment

Like honestly it could literally be numerous things it might not even be psyis logical it could just be that I need a certain female hormone that my body is not producing correctly I could have fucking indimetriosis my mother did

I mean I probably also have PMDD as well I mean I'm growing a goddamn beard and a mustache and I'm starting to bald like a man and I have just hair that I have to like shave off and there's other things about me that just don't make senseBut that's for the genetics to figure out because it's quite possible that I have a pretty nasty genetic mutation

And I wish that there was a decent neurologist in this fucking city who was not a God complex asshole who just tells you to quit worrying and lose weigit's wait or just completely goes in on you because you're on a medicine that they don't like

And I know why they don't like it but the chemical structure has an extra o-ring on it and that is the only reason it works for me and that's really the only tiny difference between the medication I'm on and other benzos

Now add a van I'm hyper fast metabolizers so when they give me out of hand it's out of my system much quicker than everybody else

Certain medicines are supposed to last like 4to6 hours these medicines only last for about 3 or 4 hours for me and then I raw dog the rest of it until my next dose

And I don't want you or anyone else to think anything of me because I'm pissed off and I'm hyperfocused on this topic

I am anxious I'm anxious that my Doctor is not going to call me back and call in my prescription and I am going to have to go to the fucking ER and battle with the cope team. I don't want to do that I cannot handle going to grippy sock Jail.

That would be absolutely detrimental to my mental health in every which way you can imagine

Would come out worse than I went in

And all I fucking want is some rest and I can't fucking sleep because my poor cat is sick and yelling and I can't do anything about it except poke pills down her throat until she feels better meanwhile I don't get to sleep and I was asleep until my fuck ass neighbor woke me up

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sincelastsession · 2 months

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I am triggered.

I don't want to discuss fucking personality disorders in regards to me.

I had my bullshit blanket diagnosis of bpd and it RUINED my life. Robyn fucking Belle, the CVNT that just tried to contact me and my fucking father all conspired together and pushed me into going to goddamn regions.

AND GUESS WHAT JOSHUA. THEY FUCKED ME UP SO BAD ON MEDS AND RIPPED ME OFF MY XANAX COLD TURKEY FOR 2 WEEKS AND GAVE ME MEDS I DID NOT NEED AND SHOWED A FUCKING TED TALK ABOUT CHILD ABUSE....YOU DON'T SHOW THAT IN A PSYCH WARD SETTING ESP WHEN THERE'S A LEGIT DID PATIENT AND OTHER REGRESSED PEOPLE IN THE ROOM. THE SEXUAL HARASSMENT BY THE CRIMINALLY INSANE. THE NURSES AND DOCTOR THAT COMPLETELY MISSED THAT I DESPERATELY NEEDED HELP AND WAS SEIZING AND HAVING TROUBLE WALKING GOING INTO WAS A DYSTONIC REACTION THAT THE ER HAD TO DIAGNOSE

Fuck this.

Fuck.

DUDE THEY GAVE ME A MEDS I WASNT SUPPOSED TO HAVE AS THEY WERE ON MY "DONT GIVE" LIST

They threatened to hold me down to give me that shit.

They broke my fucking brain.

All because a dumb bitch, my father. And another dumb bitch crossed my boundaries OVER AND OVER TRYING TO TELL ME ABOUT HOW DR TODD WAS EVIL AND I WAS ON TOO MANY MEDS.

I was FINE. I was HAVING MY STSRT IN JUNE YEARLY BREAKDOWN THAT LASTS TILL MY BIRTHDAY THING. I TRIED TO FUCKING TELL THEM.

This happens every year. I DO NOT KNOW WHY.

JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE HAS SYMPTOMS OF A PERSONALITY DISORDER DOESN'T MEAN THEY'RE FUCKING BPD.

Yes Dr. Todd said "you may have a personality disorder but everyone does"

You do too.

We all do to some degree.

But DO NOT TELL ME ABOUT LABELS AND THEN TOSS A LABEL AT ME

Fuck

Like REALLY?

Yes. I wasn't mad earlier but now I am.

I am mad because I can see exactly what's going on here and the little track we're on that sooooo many therapists have seen and gotten WRONG.

I can't just have the clusterfuck of issues and talk about them. Oh wait they're imaginary and made up according to my family and now you my therapist.

Everyone wants to diagnose me. I DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS.

I am so SICK of this shit.

I would rather go out to the parking lot and have a screaming match than sit there and fucking fawn and mask.

Then there's no availability for an appointment.

Why take on a patient if you have no time to see them once a week?

Like you think I can't see you and I don't notice that you have your own issues you should work on before you make your cognitive distortions about me?

Because you're WRONG.

Everyone has been WRONG.

I have tried so fucking hard for over 25 goddamn years to be understood and still no one gets it.

And no I'm not stoned. I didn't smoke this evening.

Like I've been dissociative since I was a tiny child a toddler.

I used to put myself in autopilot and goddamn I wish I could harness that again but NO my issues just got worse because I'm apparently a target for SICK FUCKS

I literally don't think you even want me as a patient.

You're frustrated with me about something that I have 0 fucking control over my speech my speech my voice it's always fucking wrong everything about me is always so fucking wrong.

Mom and dad hate me my sister hates me And it shit I can't do anything about

The amount of resentment that my parents in my family in general hold for me is outrageous and I'm sorry that you didn't get to see the real version of my fucking family.

And yes I'm being a fucking bitch and yes I am reactive as hell. I'm aware I am so fucking aware as much as I can possibly be.

But no I do not see whatever else sees because they are only looking at surface level shit.

You know a long time ago pretty much any mental illness was considered schizophrenia

And they did studies and they've learned things about the brain and they're still doing that because the brain is a big mystery jello

I do not think diagnosis are bullshit

I mean dude yes they had to make them up because not everybody can be diagnosed as schizophrenic when they don't exhibit all of the symptoms of that

Why even have ADSM book and say that it's all made up and you don't like labels but you have the ability to diagnose people that doesn't make any fucking sense to me

And it's aggravating Joshua because I don't hate you at all I'm just pissed off. I don't understand why everybody has to pick at what's wrong with me.

I see a fucking psychiatrist. I saw one before him who was much better but unfortunately he is dead and I will never have him back.

I am screwed I am so fucked.

Because if we're going down the little path I think we're going down I'm going to exit.

Unfortunately all I can do is observe and find out if that's the pathway are going down and no I'm not going to elaborate because I need to find out for myself if this is a good fit.

And I don't think you know enough of me or about me.

I am more than happy to work on things and work on goals but you know some of the verbage you use towards me doesn't seem very fucking thought out it just seems like you're pulling things you learned in clinical studies and conferences and from past experiences of yours and you're trying to apply that to me like you're trying to apply it like a blanket

I don't fit under the blanket

That's what you need to understand

I am not like your other patients

I'm also very fucking triggered because you're reminding me of Robin. I'm not sure what it is exactly but it's triggering the shit out of me.

I don't like it. It's giving cope team at the ER.

I really don't think that there's anything wrong with me just completely having a fucking bitch festival on my fucking online journal.

You do understand that I'm still trying to trust you in general right?

That's one reason I am not ready to do the EMDR other than the fact that I need to move and do some other things first.

And yes I'm worried that you're going to read all of this and get pissed off and drop me as a client.

And that will basically fuck me over.

But you told me I could be mad and that you didn't care so here we are.

And you don't have a clue about my fucking mother and why I had that reaction.

She did that shit on purpose and you didn't see the smirk on her face. The classic narcissistic ass smirk that they get when they know that they are causing someone distress.

She loves to play tit-for-tat

Everybody in the fucking family can tell you about her bullshit because she has to be the victim in every scenario.

And honestly I'm still baffled about how my father acted like he never did anything wrong ever and acted like a normal human being and then you tell me it's safe for me to talk to him and he starts screaming at me in the fucking parking lot just completely switched his personality and flipped out at me and continues to do so and continues to beat me down and cut me down verbally every time I have a fucking phone call with him I feel like a goddamn burden because he wants to get off the phone and doesn't want to hear from me or talk to me or know anything about my life

So why in the fuck do these people say that they care but then they treat me like absolute goddamn garbage. Riddle me fucking that.

Because what happens is a cycle of using and a cycle of abusing.

And I'm not happy that I'm back in contact with everybody

I wish that I could just not talk to these people I wish I didn't care about them in order to do that

I do not fucking understand how people in general are so clueless and fucking rude and thoughtless and selfish And judgmental and they can't fucking practice what they preach. And when I tell them about themselves and I mirror them and they see themselves in me they don't fucking like it and they attack me

And I don't do it on purpose that's just something that happens when I talk to people sometimes

For instance somebody asked me a question the other day and they did not get the answer that they apparently wanted

So I got a full paragraph about how I'm a stupid fucking bitch.

I was only trying to be helpful.

So much for trying to be a good person because no good deed that I ever do goes fucking unpunished.

And no that's not a cognitive distortion I am fucking punished every single time I tried to do something nice for somebody or even myself.

And honestly if I could go back to my last EMDR therapist and continue to work with her or if I could go see the therapist that my friend in Lafayette sees I would but I can't afford that.

And maybe I'll calm down when we actually get to the EMDR

Because right now I'm really fucking tired of things being noticed about me as if I didn't fucking already know

I get irritated because I get bitched out about run on talking Or hyperverbal processing out loud

And I can't help that shit

If I could have helped that shit I would not be in fucking therapy anymore because I wouldn't be abused for that or maybe I would be in therapy because it would find something else wrong with me to fucking torture me about

It also sort of pisses me off that the things that I write down are just skimmed

And yes the journalist for me but you also have access to it so you can learn things from me and I don't think skimming is going to help you learn things from me as well as actually just you know reading what I have to say

But I'm a speed reader as well so I do understand to an extent but when you are a treating of impatient and they are writing very long things for you to read so you could understand them better because you have a very short time schedule block for them to talk to you in person it's really aggravating for the patient

And I'm sure it's really aggravating for you to have to read my very long journal or even trying to read it because yes it's unhinged

I'm doing this for my own well-being

I also don't understand why I see people who have worse problems than me get treated betterNot specifically by you but just in general I will be out in the general public and somebody will be like oh I have this sad bitch disorder and everybody's like oh no let's give you all the attention let's love on you let's just fucking suck your ass

And you know what it is you know what I figured out it fucking is it's always the skinny BPD girls that cut themselves and are covered with tattoos and have split dyed hair or whatever the fucking new trend is

It's people like my fucking sister

I mean honestly you do need to remember that I am autistic telling me that I'm not are saying that it might be something else is invalidating the fuck out of me

My psychiatrist and my PA absolutely know that I have autism.

I have gone undiagnosed my entire fucking life and Doctor Todd finally figured it out. And I got relief from knowing everybody was always on my ass bitching me out about why I was seeking that diagnosis because it makes all the sense in the goddamn world.

It does it mean that I don't have a personality disorder or some sort of disassociative disorder or I don't know just sad bitch disorder because I've been traumatized my whole life but I do have autism.

And I'm not ashamed of that's part of who I am and I don't appreciate when people come along and fucking invalidate me

I'm almost 38 years old and I was seeking answers and I'm still seeking answers because there are a lot of things going on with my health and they have always been going on with my health.

Why in the world would you fuss at me or bring up whatever the fuck you want to use term wise because apparently I can't ever use the right God damn words and people take things so God damn personally when I'm just trying to be direct and express myself

And it's hypocritical because everybody else fucking does this too whether they are neurodivergent or not.

And you know what it's so fucking funny to me that elystic people think that they don't have anything wrong with them and they don't have anything to work on and shit like that when it's just so obvious that they have so many complexes and so many little insecurities and issues and I can spot it a fucking mile away

Put fuck me for bringing up the past which I'm going to have to bring up an EMDR anyway

I'm not trying to live in my past I go over my past because there's important points to it which seem to be missed

I don't really know how to fucking communicate with therapists anymore.

The amount of trauma I have had from therapy and everything else medical in my life is insane

And I am mad and I do feel fucking threatened

And maybe I won't be mad tomorrow and maybe I'll get the fuck over it but right now I am pissed

I'm just tired of being seen as some sort of problem

Do you know what's that like I'm sure you do some extent

But have you been seen as a problem since you are diagnosed with health issues as a small child and you were no longer viewed as healthy baby

And your parents started to reset you right then and there and started the passive neglectful parenting and the helicopter bullshit which was pointless because why helicopters somebody and try to control every single thing they do and then abuse the fuck out of them and then ignore them and then be passive-aggressive towards them and then be dependent on them And use them and treat them like shit and then show up to my therapists office and fucking act like they're the most perfect wonderful parents on earth and then they do this little fucking song and dance every goddamn time and I warned you I told you they were gonna pull something but nobody listens to me

And nobody has to listen to me that's fine but you know if they took my advice they might be fucking better off

Ian you know what's driving me absolutely insane is because I know you from somewhere and I do not know where. It's not from therapy. It must be through someone I know because Baton Rouge is a small world. But yes it's driving me nuts I really wish I knew the connection.

It's also sort of uncomfortable because I'm sitting here going to the fuck does my therapist know that I know because I recognize them from outside of therapy and I don't know why

I still thank you should put a mirror up across from where you sit so you can see how you act when you talk to me like your body language and all that like you could look and notice you could get a shatterproof mirror that no one can hurt themselves with like those exist.

And yes Joshua yes I do self sabotage or at least that's what everybody tells me everybody loves to tell me what I'm doing but they don't actually know what I'm doing

Because people do not think to ask how I am feeling before they say things to me and make assumptions and other cognitive distortions about me

You know I never got to create me.

I was so grossly abused you have no fucking idea.

Because you don't know all of it I've only told you tiny tiny portion of it.

I don't even know if I'm going to be able to talk about all of it and process all of it when we do EMDR and I don't know if that's going to even help but I'm willing to try

But I'm so fucking angry

I mean don't you realize what happens to children when their psychosocial stages are fucked up because people abuse them during those stages

Other than the fucking pedophilia people

I remember being in a high chair and having someone shove it over and landing on the ground and hitting my head as a fucking baby

My dad got caught hitting me while he was trying to force feed me food I did not want as a small child and I don't remember that but my grandmother saw it and I believe her even though she's not here with us today

I don't even breathe correctly

And I'm not being dramatic or making some sort of metaphor with that I literally don't breathe correctly because I breathe shallow because of all the trauma I have had since I was a tiny child

I breathe quietly because I don't want to piss someone off by taking deep breaths

Did you know that if I make a huff noise because I'm holding my breath unconsciously that my parents flip out at me

I mean have you ever ridden around as a teenager smoking blunts in the back of a shitty car while your best friend's baby daddy and his best friand are selling crack

How many times have you had a gun pointed at you

How many times have you sat there and watched your best friend shoot up drugs and know that you can't do a fucking thing about it other than sit there and keep watch and smoke a joint because you don't want her to die but you can't sit there having a fucking panic attack so you might as well get stoned and fucking watch turn and make sure she doesn't die

And then she went and fucking died

She's dead and I can never have a best friend again that will ever feel the same

And if you think that I don't see all the stupid things that I have said and all the things that you probably want to point out you're wrong

I know I'm fucked up. Why do you think I've stayed in therapy for so long other than pure pressure from my parents just constant even though they won't seek help for their unresolved behavioral issues

It's really not fair nothing in my life has been fucking fair

And I'm watching my father die slowly and it's heartbreaking because he's so fucking abusive but he was also at times a decent father

The amount of mixed fucking emotions I have about that is immense

And then learning about how my mother is just a compulsive fucking liar and has hidden so much from me

And then having a sister that thinks I'm some sort of dumbass who constantly lies to me about everythingAnd who is having a complete fucking breakdown

She needs to go on a 72 hour hold so badly and if I ever hear Her say I Want To die again I Am going to call ems in it's going to piss off the entire family but guess what I'm So Sick of hearing it do you Know how many times She said it

She's been saying she wanted to die since fucking middle school

I do not care if she's only saying it out loud as an intrusive thought

Because that's bullshit when you say that that many times you're asking for help

And her brain is so adult from all the things that she's been doing that are not good for her chemically

I can't even fucking have a conversation with her without her starting some sort of weird argument and escalating it and it making 0 sense and giving her a reason to throw a fucking tantrum and take her anger out on me

And then when people confront her about things that they're worried about she just blows it off and pretends that it doesn't exist like complete fucking denial and lying straight to your face and all of that and then she will lash out at you if you don't fall for it

I've never seen someone so fucking insecure

You know I had to have her go stand in front of a mirror and tell herself nice things the last time she had a huge mental breakdown and wanted to die because her ex-boyfriend was sleeping and she called his phone over a 100 times frantic till I had to take her phone away from her and hand it to my mom so she could hold on to it until my sister calmed down

But how in the world did this happen well she was dropped off over at my apartment because my father her father could not fucking deal with her

And I thought that she was going to come over and hanging out with me I didn't know she was having a fucking breakdown

And then her best friend that she fucking neglects who is a wonderful kid came over and it was the girl's birthday and the girl brought cake that her grandmother made and my sister was having such a freak out that she refused to eat she refused to eat she refused to spend any time with her friend and was just in the bathroom smoking weed in my apartment over and over and over and over and over again frantically and calling all of her other friends that she doesn't even talk to anymore because they got tired of her shit

And I would love to tell her that they're not friends with her anymore because they could not stand her behavior and she bitch and bitched and bitched about when she had falling out with them because they flat out told her the truth and she didn't want to hear It

The truth is she is insecure and angry and hurting and she won't let anybody help her open up and release her emotions and feel her feelings she just builds up and explodes or she instigates shit so she can explode

It's literally the classic cry for help and I can't do fuck about it

I fucking warned everyone I told them that this was going to happen but they didn't believe me

I'm not trying to control people when I tell them what's up

I have a knowing

I always have.

And people don't like to hear about that because they don't believe in things like that and they think I'm crazy and that's fine I don't care

But sometimes I just fucking know things

The amount of things that I have predicted is like fucking unprecedented and I'm talking about like within my family and groups of friends and just life in general of mine

And I don't need anybody to tell me that it's not real and it's a trauma response in all of that crap because yes it's totally possible just like me having a personalities disorder it's just so totally possible but you know what I don't want that on my fucking chart

Do not fucking put that on my chart

I will be happy to investigate it with you and work on it if I do have something going on because I said that therapy that I was curious to know about anything going on with me and I meant it

Am I happy about this subject fuck no it's a very source subject for very good reasons

I'm so fucking tired and I fucking hate it here

I just want to go somewhere for at least 2 fucking weeks and have a nice time and have 0 problems and get some goddamn rest

What's there's nowhere I can go and I can't fucking afford it

I don't even know if I can afford to put gas in my car to go figure out this fucking clusterfuck situation about why in the hell was my anxiety medicine not called in

I really really really do not want what to have to go to the fucking ER and get treated like I'm drug seeking because my Doctor won't fucking respond or talk to the pharmacy and refill my script

They never fucking refilled it from last visit I spoke to the pharmacist today he looked at the computer system

I thought did I was losing my fucking mind but no they are inept

So now I have another stupid thing to deal with and my psychiatrist is like paranoid that I'm going to have horrible problems using medical marijuana and taking my anxiety medicine that I've taken most of my life and I know more about than probably most doctors at this point

I mean Doctor Todd knew the man that developed the drug. He was very cool. He broke down all the information about that medication to me. He checked me every single month when I would go in to have an appointment

There was never an issue.

Now klonopin I can't have that. That makes me violent and an absolute monster. And I completely lose my memory when I take it which I don't anymore.

And value volume never did a fucking thing for me except make me have the opposite reaction and rage like I was on steroids and it was bad

I mean we have tried everything medically to get a hold on my anxiety and you know what we all go back to every single time after the Doctor tries to take me off the medication and put me on all these other things that they think are going to fix me

They put me right back on the xanax because you know why because it fucking works

It may not work super duper strong but I am on a lower dose than I should be on

And I decided that I'm not going to fight my psychiatrist about that I have told him that when I was on 4 mg a day to take as needed that I did just fine And I was a lot less stressed out and I didn't talk like I talk now

I mean did you ever think that I might just be a fucking nervous wreck with ADHD and autism and complex PTSD and OCD and those are just all combined causing me problems and I'm in 2 flare-ups of 2 of those conditions at the same time and I'm being abused and I have a fucking nightmare neighbor

No I don't really think it's the personality disorder right now

I mean I was told by an expert that I do not have your classic little personality disorder she told me and she was one of the head people at the PTSD facility 4 veterans up North She fucking told me that it was a trash diagnosis and I did not have that she told me that I had been misdiagnosed and I had complex PTSD from severe abuse

And then Doctor Todd confirmed that

Because I had never told him about any of the abuse and horrible things that happened to me because I was just going there and being treated for severe anxiety and panic disorder which I do have and it is hell I can't even fucking sleep unless I take my medicine

Even if I do take my medicine I still have problems sleeping

Imagine there's little dreams you have right before you fall on just deep sleep where your whole body jumps because it feels like you're falling right

Well imagine that happening over and over and over and over again and being awake for 4 days straight until you flip out and your mother has to take you to the fucking hospital so they can diagnose you with something and solve your problem and then your dad finally agrees to send you back to your psychiatrist and pay for the appointment that you can't afford because you're paying him money for living at your friend's house

You know it's not like I didn't give my dad rent money or money in general throughout my life

Everybody thinks that I'm just trying to be dependent on my parents for money or trying to use them for money and I really don't fucking care about money that much other than we need it to survive

They literally get paranoid that I have some sort of ulterior motive

I get treated like a supervillain

I get treated like fucking dog shit on someone shoe

So of course I'm reactive of course I'm reactive abusive yeah I probably have a million things wrong with me you're probably right about everything let's just make all the therapists right let's just diagnose me with everything how about that

You know the darkness is I do have I am not trying to make excuses when I say oh that's probably what's causing this issue

That doesn't mean that I don't think that the issue can be helped

No some of it I really do not see the end of the rainbow with that

But some of it yes I can see that it can be helped

And nobody seems to think about the possible neurological things going on that aren't the other diagnosis

Like I've said I never wento a narrow psych and got evaluated because I can't fucking find one that takes medicaid that will treat me like a fucking Human instead of some sort of oddity

My entire life I was paraded in front of doctors till I got older and put a stop to that because I had a rare disorder and everybody wanted to see it and learn about it and touch me and look at my skin and then they put me on fucking steroids which made me fat and screwed up my thyroid and screwed up my growth and fucking triggered other problems and I don't even have hands that are normal sized for my frame

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sincelastsession · 2 months

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I'm pissed off.

Tried to fuckin sleep and the nightmare neighbors had someone picking up a SCREAMING toddler at fucking midnight.

Now I'm awake and I don't fucking want to be awake and I'm flat out ANGRY

THEN FINALLY IM RELAXING AND THE FUCKING IDIOT BITCH THAT I STOPPED BEING FRIENDS WITH OVER 2 GODDAMN YEARS AGO IS TRYING TO ADD ME AND TALK TO ME ON GODDAMN SNAPCHAT.

Like no bitch I don't want to be friends. I don't want your toxic ass anywhere near me. Don't walk up to me, don't talk to me, don't fucking look at me.

YOU FUCKING SAT IN MY APARTMENT WITH THE OTHER BITCH THAT I BLOCKED AND TRASHED A PERSON I FUCKING CARED ABOUT WHO IS DEAD.

Do you think now that you're getting married that it's a cool time to reach out and use me?

I HOPE SOMEONE TELLS YOUR HUSBAND YOU ARE ONLY MARRYING HIM FOR MONEY.

You finally got what you wanted. Why the fuck are you trying to bother me in the middle of the night? Eat shit.

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sincelastsession · 2 months

Text

I don't like that you think I've perhaps got a personality disorder.

I don't want to be viewed that way.

I know we discussed it.

I'm not sure you understand that when I had a false bpd label I was treated like shit and gaslit and other ugly behaviors. It's the same reason Dr. Todd didn't want to put Autism on my chart as he didn't want other medical professionals who weren't well versed to treat me badly.

I am a lot better when I'm on the adhd meds bit I still do have autism and I understand that my conditions can cause mimics of each other and other things. I actually have a Ven Diagram collection about comorbid things.

I do still feel misunderstood by you. But I have no idea how to show you otherwise. Sometimes words fail me and therapists get frustrated with me because they either don't understand or I'm being labeled because there's comparison going on.

I really don't think in my instance me using my diagnosis labels is wrong.

Yes things are made up. Most things in this world.

So if that is a belief and you don't like me using labels then why was a possible personality disorder brought up?

I don't want to be treated as if I have that. It is a trigger and has been since the insane treatment I received with the bpd false diagnosis. I don't think you understand the trauma I endured with that diagnosis.

I don't think it's impossible that it's going on but I would rather focus on the diagnosis I do have and look at how those can mimic what you are seeing.

I feel invalidated honestly.

My belief is that I have my several diagnosis and the symptoms clusterfucked and I'm in a nasty flare.

I don't want to repeat the past experiences talking or adding to a medical chart that there's a personality disorder present. I'm sure there may be but if I'm in therapy being treated for my other issues and trying to meet goals I'd rather NOT focus on this unless it's necessary. My brain kicked my ass last time everyone thought that was the issue and I don't want to be lumped in with the bpd girlie crowd like it's trash umbrella diagnosis shit.

One thing that I don't understand is why do you have a copy of the DSM if you think it's bullshit why is it used in the medical field if so many people think it's bullshit

And I don't mean to be a rude I'm not trying to be rude right now and I want to make that really really clear.

But today it was very hard for me to respond as I sat there and tried to patiently wait for you to finish explaining something to me that I had already figured out what you were saying in the first sentence.

This is a struggle for me not just with you but with other people.

I will understand and try to signal to the other person that I understand what they're talking about and what they are explaining to me at length. And today I did not interrupt to be rude I did try to signal to you that I understood so we could stop and continue on with other things so I would have time to bring up other subjects that I needed to speak about today which I gave up on at one point.

I do not want to switch therapist or quit therapy because I really do want to go forward with the EMDR therapy. I am OK with a second opinion if that can be done without charge or with my insurance.

I feel that the way I communicate and my autism is making it difficult for us to communicate and I do not know how much experience you have with autistic patients and you know and we discussed that everybody is very unique with their problems. I suppose I could just say problems instead of diagnosis but honestly it seems more of a pet peeve to you then it really is to me.

I am bothered because you aren't the first person who has told me that they think that I am using my diagnosis as an excuse and I don't see that I am doing that and that is really not my mo.

Honestly I'm just trying to explain to people who I am and how to treat me because we must let other people know how to treat us or they will walk all over us.

I am not very good at this and Doctor Todd used to tell me that it would be better if I spoke less because sometimes my speaking gets me into trouble and places where I do not belong such as being pointed that I have a personality disorder or things of that nature

It felt sort of hypocritical for you to say that when I have brought up my own diagnosis and you have told me you don't like usage of those labels yet you labeled me in session

So that is why I feel prickly about it.

I also am understanding why you got the idea about the weed and anxiety medication but I am a very responsible person with those things.

And I suppose in the future if you are jumping to a conclusion about me then I would rather you just ask me and clarify which you did sorta do.

I mean sometimes in our sessions I am watching your body language and I do that with everybody so it's not to be an asshole it's just what I do. Same thing as me watching the car that was next to the window because I couldn't tell if it was going to bump into the building or not from my perspective.

But I mean I do have a critique and I'm not trying to be rude but it seems like I'm making you uncomfortable by your body language and I wanted to ask today if that was the case because I watched you fold yourself up and Put your hand on your head and do lots of body language telling me that something was going on that you were not expressing.

I understand that I am a complex probably pain in the ass case and that's me saying that and I know that you are not saying these things to me.

I do want to work on my goals I do want to do any sort of testing I do want to get better to a stable point.

I do not know if it will work out just like you do not know if it will work out but I do not want to quit I'm not usually a quitter and I'm extremely stubborn but I'm not trying to be stubborn with you about therapy. I'm trying to be as open as possible and communicate.

It does sometimes feel as if I am speaking a language you don't understand. And it's frustrating but I'm not mad at you and I know that you don't care if I'm mad at you either.

I understand that you are just doing your job.

I have been in therapy a very long time so I can assume that it is difficult to work with me sometimes because I know so much. I don't mean that in a cocky way or a self-absorbed type of way I mean it in a fact-based way. I was recently insulted by my father because he thought me saying that I was smart and new things meant that I was trying to act like a know it all and that I knew everything and I do not know everything and I do not claim to know everything but I do know a lot. Sometimes I wish I was clueless about everything so perhaps therapy would be a lot easier.

Also I do know That you had no intention of making me upset and are just trying to help and are still learning about me and who I am as a person and I know that I am not easy to understand from experience with many other therapists. It is frustrating for me on my side because I don't know what the fuck to do or say much anymore because I really do continuously feel completely misunderstood often.

You know with my mother she told me before the session what she was going to speak about. But then her bringing up the scammer romance that she does not want me involved in was out of left field. I was pissed. I was pissed off because I was concerned and she did that because she was angry with me already. She was angry that I did not take up for her when I called her brother and he was a loud drunk asshole about it because he does know the truth about the Army romance bullshit she's doing but he also holds resentment towards her for something she did not do and I was not about to yell at him while he was drunk and get into an argument with a family member that will still talk to me. I was only trying to help. Sometimes she does end up wasting money and time insanity on these scammers and it affects me. So I do view that as something that falls into my circle of control especially when she is showing me obviously photoshopped pictures and telling me that they're going to build a house with a mini house in the backyard just for me and it's very delusional and it's very unhealthy and she is in her 60s and I do not care that she is a cycle nurse that is a new job for her and she is not fully educated on everything yet. She has not been on the other side of the fish bowl and she does not understand what these people are going through nor what I have gone through. I know that she's trying and I'm not upset about that I'm very happy about that.

I am pretty prickly about both of my parents even though they both seem to be trying they do turn around and do the cycle of violence type behavior where they are nice to me then they are shitty to me then there's a honeymoon phase then it begins all over again

So for me dealing with my parents is like trying to fight the ocean. I can surf for a little while but sometimes the waters get too fucking rough.

End right now they are both acting very shitty towards me because I refuse to get involved with the drama that my sister has created and that they have created.

And no absolutely not do I think that I am experiencing disassociation due to any medication or drug.

I have been on this Earth for almost 38 years and I know that I have been disassociating since I was a small child and it feels exactly the same.

It does not matter if you take me off of every medication and switch my meds or just don't put me on anything it still happens.

And I've had to use disassociation techniques I guess I used to call them that to just get through being around abusive people and life in general when it was too hard for me to deal with. So if you're looking for the source of all of that then you will find it when we do EMDR. You will see and understand why I do that because if I tell you I'm doing that because of a diagnosis I don't feel that you're taking me seriously. Because to me it's a reason it is not an excuse I know that excuses can sound like reasons and vice versa but I'm not making excuses for my behavior.

I have certain behaviors and I have certain diagnosis. I am taking accountability by being in therapy to work on any behaviors that need work. Yes many of my diagnosis cause these behaviors or these behaviors come from these diagnosis and yes many of the behaviors are coming from the trauma but doesn't mean that I am having a personality disorder or could it possibly just be that I have pretty fucking bad PTSD I was told by my last EMDR therapist that she had seen hundreds of patients and I was the worst case she had ever seen.

Now I don't know if that means anything to you at all once again I feel like my words aren't coming out correctly so let me reiterate that I am not trying to be rude at all.

And yes like I said it is possible to just have a personality disorder from trauma but I'm not going to sit around and focus on that because it's going to self-destruct me.

And right now I don't like that I'm thinking about it so much. It has been bothering me since you brought it up and now I am overthinking and overly worried about it. And that is not okay.

Sometimes I wish that people would look at me in a way that is not based on other patients or people they have witnessed. I wish only to be viewed as my unique self. And what that is I'm not sure because my entire life I have been told by other people who I am. I did not really get to define anything and it is hard for my brain to wrap itself around the idea of sense of self even though I am literally talking about myself and I logically see that.

You know my dad's side of the family is just known for having lots of weird mental illness issues everybody in his side of the family had something going on that was never really diagnosed well.

I really don't want any more diagnoses.

I just want to know what's going on and take the testing so I can understand where it's coming from.

I mean my guess would be that it is coming from my trauma as most disorders of that nature do.

I would like you to understand that I do have a genetically inherited panic and anxiety disorder and it is severe and I know that that by itself can look just like a personality disorder.

I mean we could even say that having compulsive o CD is also sharing symptoms with a personality disorder or part of a personality disorder of some type.

But yeah I wish we had not brought that up today because I am fucking triggered.

Also I did not get a call about scheduling for another appointment.

Also my Doctor did not refill my medication and I'm having a panic attack right now because I only have 2 doses left or 3 if I stretch it of my anxiety medication and then if I don't get a refill I will start to have fucking seizures and other problems.

And yes that is concerning but it has been the only medication that has ever helped me with the severe anxiety and panic that I do have and my PTSD and my heart condition and muscle issues. And I have had many therapists and doctors try and tell me that that medicine is the devil and all sorts of crap when my psychiatrist that passed away told me not to fucking listen to that because Everybody is Scared of it because they do not understand the mechanisms and the chemical structure and WHY it works for my Brain and does not cause me Issues whereas all of The Other choices do cause me severe Problems. And you are welcome to ask me about all the other medication choices and what happened when I was on those medications VS this one.

And then with the medical marijuana I mean you can't really avoid getting high or very high when you smoke or vape or have an edible or whatever other form of treatment. I do not smoke a lot like everyone seems to think I do. I do not frequent the pharmacy very very often. I usually buy a little bit in bulk and I wait till that goes out unless I find a strain that helps a particular thing much Better than The Other things that I have bought and Then I will Swing by and pick up More of it if they have it in stock.

I have not even attempted to smoke an entire joint by itself of medical marijuana because it is so very strong. So when I am smoking and I want to be really clear about this. I have my little ritual I sit down I grind up the flower I put it in a container because I'm not going to use all of it at once. I add a pinch to my pipe I don't always load the bowl all the way full because pipes are different sizes. I usually do not finish the full bowl and I would have to say that none of the bowls in my pipe hold any more volume than a blueberry.

It has been suggested to me by the pharmacist at the dispensary that I try a weed vape which I have declined because that's like doing a dab hit.

I do buy cbd to mix with my medical as well as the dispensary only has the flower and not full spectrum which is fucking irritating.

If I wanted to I could get a connect and get full spectrum but I really do not trust those people to not lace it. And I don't want to have a terrible accident.

I mean this is treatment for severe chronic pain and anxiety. I had to fill out a very extensive form listing all of my health issues and I did speak to a Doctor on the phone who went over that with me and then approved me for it.

I would rather not have to take obeates or other anti-inflammatory medications because I value the health of my liver and kidneys and I already have liver issues from when I was a child and they overdosed me with ibuprofen like fucking idiots and I am mad about it still I am angry that that Doctor is still practicing and nobody did anything about it and that is telling of how fucking passive neglectful my parents were And still are at times.

And yes I do bring up the past a lot and you as a trauma therapist probably understand why.

And my EMDR therapy I believe will help that once the script is re written in my brain or once we rewire it or whatever phrase works best I guess.

I would like to know what therapy treatments are used for people who have autism and see if we can employ some of those treatments to see if they help.

I have a very fucked up distress tolerance I have been told. And I have a very high bullshit tolerance I have been told however I have also been told that that has improved over the years and I am putting up with less bullshit from people. Some people might think that I am being mean and I am just trying to be assertive and I can't hear myself like they hear me I can only hear my voice internally and I do not understand why people think I'm attacking them.

If I am angry and I don't state that I'm angry and nobody asks me what is going on and then they make assumptions about me and my character then I get angrier and triggered and it sets me off.

When people get frustrated with me or they can't keep up with me and they just hang up on me or they just check out of the conversation it really hurts. It cuts pretty deep because I sit there and I do listen I understand that sometimes I have auditory processing issues or I get distracted or I'm trying to hold on to a thought and I really need to express that thought and then yes it sometimes becomes difficult to pay attention all the way. And sometimes I do just disassociate. And I don't know how to subscribe how that happens or how it feels very well. It just seems like an automatic thing that I do and sometimes I'm not even conscious of it. And when people do try to make me aware of it it's very frustrating because I do see it but there's not much I can do about it and I'm a people pleaser so I want to fix it but there are some things about me that I don't think can be fixed.

And I mean that in a way where I'm trying my fucking hardest and it's just not clicking in my head no matter how hard I try to understand.

It does feel like I'm trying to understand things but there's some sort of disconnect that I don't know what we would call that and I don't understand what's happening there for me to wrap my brain around certain things that people say or how to act like everyone else

I don't think it's very fair that many people with autism are treated like shit because they don't know how to blend in with other peopwell enough or they get burnt out which I am very much so right now burnt the fuck out and I have been for quite a while so I'm having a lot of trouble masking and I have been mirroring people more and they don't fucking like it And I'm not doing it on purpose it's just like a default setting if that makes sense.

And yeah Joshua I am mad I'm mad in general at everything because I have had a fucking stupid aggravating life and I'm still having a fucking stupid aggravating life. And yes I'm being very pessimistic and bitchy right now at this moment in time in this paragraph specifically on purpose because I'm pissed.

I don't like our little talks where you bring up we'll maybe we won't be a good fit and you might have to change therapists. It does come off as a threat to me. Like in my head it feels like you're saying if you don't do this then I'm going to quit being your therapist.

And I will tell you why it comes off that way to me even though I'm sure it is not your intention. My father my entire life and my mother seem to take some sort of fucked up joy in using threats to get me to do what they want. I have been threatened during very terrible traumas. So anything that could be perceived via certain wording basically lights a fire in me. I don't respond well to it.

I mean once my father was threatening me over and over and over again and I wanted so badly and I think I actually did at 1 point tell him "I don't negotiate with terrorists" Because that's what he does he terrorizes me. Not 24/7 but every once in a while he will just be a huge fucking bastard and act that way and it is like having a really shitty trauma happen every single time.

I don't even know the amount of traumas that I have because I can't even remember all of them clearly. It happened so much and has continued to happen so much that it feels like living is a trauma sometimes. It seems like I can't get through one fucking day without something ridiculous happening and blowing up in my face even if I avoid the fuck out of it somehowSomeone comes along and my day gets fucked up to hell. I'm not talking about getting the wrong order at a restaurant type of shit. I'm talking about the other day I was minding my own fucking business relaxing and my parents tried to rope me into this big fucking stupid drama with my sister that I have journaled aboutAnd I have spoken to you about it just a little bit not all of it but enough.

And it feels like this occurs every day.

For instance today. I want to go pick up my refill for my anxiety medication after I left your office and my Doctor had never called it in. Or there is an appointment I was supposed to go to and they did not send me a reminder or call me like they are supposed to because they know that otherwise I will completely fucking forget even if I write it down even if I put it in my phone even if I set an alarmMy brain sometimes just completely disregards things and it's not like me trying to be a fucking inconsiderate asshole.

I mean that is why I appreciate that you guys have a system put in place and I can call and confirm with Chelsea that I will be at the appointment or if I might be running late. Today I actually did call because I was trying to wrangle my cat that is very sick and I am very worried about her and she was running from me because of course she does not want to take the yucky pill that is going to make her feel better. So luckily right after I got off the phone with her I was able to catch the cat and pop the pill in her mouth and get her to swallow it and then head out the door and I got there on time so I tried really hard to be responsible and I think I did a pretty fucking good job and it's really hard for me to be proud of myself but I am trying to be that way.

I did not understand that you were only skimming what I write. But I do hope that you do see things from my perspective. Or at least try to. Because it's not just mental illness stuff that I have been misdiagnosed with. I have had physical misdiagnosis and medications I've been put on that have almost killed me several fucking times.

I have had horrible experiences with people in the medical field of all kinds of practices.

The fact that I even still go to therapy and go to the doctor in general is a fucking mystery to me because I do not want to go at all but I know that I need to or I'm not going to feel or get any better.

In fact I'm not even sure if I'm able to get any better than I already am. I'm willing to try.

An honestly unless I stand up in the middle of a session and tell you that I'm fucking done and I don't want to be your client anymore I don't feel that we need to stop therapy but I understand that it is your practice and that is up to you. I know that you're taught to look for certain things but I'm not one of those people That are typical in every sense of the word.

I know that there are some things that are very spot on with me it's pretty obvious I cannot deny that. But there are other things that people are getting confused about and I don't have the answer for it but I know that the answers that get thrown at me are also incorrect because I know my brain and I know my body and I've had the incorrect things thrown at me before and it did not end well for me.

Like for the first time in my life on on the least amount of medications.

Doctor Todd and other doctors before him tried me on fucking everything. If you want to look at Britney Spears for example how they basically fried her fucking brain with medication to control her. I suppose we could use that as an example if we want to but we don't know all the facts but I'm just metaphorically trying to work with something here because I don't know how else to explain it.

But I think because I've been put on so many medications and I've had so many fucking reactions to pretty much every single thing the those medicines aren't needed because they're not treating anything because I don't have the things that I have been misdiagnosed with.

You cannot treat a personality to disorder or complex PTSD really with medications and if you can then cool but I don't respond to the medications that are used for that. I will take them but I generally have horrible side effects and or allergic reactions Or complete opposite reaction we're very violent reactions or very gorked out reactions where I can't even speak correctly or function and I just sit there and cry because I can't figure out how a doorknob works.

I mean shock therapy has been suggested to me and I said fuck you no way in hell. I watched my uncle go through shock therapy my entire childhood and it did not help him and he was fucking miserable and he hated going and he would threaten to hurt himself if they made him go. And they would make him go and he would come back and he would not be himself for a while. But he also did not get any sort of symptom relief from the shock therapy and he kept telling my grandparents I remember I was a small child and I remember him having an argument with them because this is my youngest uncle and so he was probably in his 20s or 30s when I was little I think. He's in his 50s now. I'm bad at math.

You know also there was one thing I did not get to bring up in session which I wanted to tell you.

I have to get my hormones checked. I saw my primary care the other day and I am growing like a mustache mustache and a beard I just usually shave it off. So something is not correct. And some of my problems could just be hormonal.

I don't mean any harm by this journal entry I just really needed to vent and get it out of my system and I'll probably be irritated about it for a while and then get over it and if I don't get over it I suppose I'll have to bring it back up in session so we can talk it through.

But right now I am pissed off because I do not feel that I am understoo and I am triggered as shit about you bringing up personality disorders even though I completely understand how they work but my experience being falsely diagnosed with BPD was absolute fucking hell and I really don't want to talk about it again anytime soon I would like to work on EMDR therapy and do testing and work towards my goals and have 1 or 2 vinting sessions here and there like we have been doing And work at a steady pace if possible hopefully things will work out and go smoothly.

End I am perfectly okay and I'm giving you permission right now to show this to your colleague if need be.

You know I used to not be doing as bad as this and I am so pissed off because I can't show you that Right now. And I did get a concussion that I still have headaches from and I never got checked for an aneurysm when the test was called in at the hospital in New Orleans but I could not get a ride down there to find out if I do have a fucking brain bleed or anything like that or damage that I'm unaware of.

Because my mother future predicted and thought that I was going to be awful the entire way to New Orleans because we had a previous incident where we rode together and got into a big stupid fight

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sincelastsession · 2 months

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The algorithm is reading me to filth I'm not ready to go here omg. 😫

I mean well put tho. I shared it on my other socials.

#Instagram

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sincelastsession · 2 months

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Oh this is a good one.

#Instagram

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sincelastsession · 2 months

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Absolutely attacked. Jfc.

#Instagram

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sincelastsession · 2 months

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IS THIS TRUE?

#Instagram

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sincelastsession · 2 months

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I have been unable to sleep and then I finally did pass out today I'm from lack of sleep and Woke up I was very anxious And nauseated and I don't know if the 2 are synonymous or if I'm sick I don't think I'm sick though unless I eat something bad. Anyway I feel awful right now like just mentally like not a harm to myself or others but just Pretty fucking mean brain time.

And I have been trying very hard to ignore that because it's very intrusive and I have absolutely no desire to go that direction that my brain is just slamming me with

So yeah I've just been an anxious mess with a stomach that's fucked up and I am crying like a baby and I don't even really know why like I was not in a bad mood I don't know if I just had a regular no trigger panic and anxiety attack but I did take my meds and I do feel calmer but I'm still weepy and I don't like this

So the neighbors that have been torturing me have let new neighbors know about me and my neighbor who went up to the front office and raised hell because they weren't listening to me and they needed someone else to go up there to prove it for some fucking dumb reason

I've gotten my security camera it won't be installed till the weekend unless I can find somebody to come out tomorrow evening

Since the people in apartment 60 are going to have the at least not renewed That means that I won't have to deal with them for a super long time or at least my neighbor won't

My parents have told me that I will be moving in September I don't know if I should believe them I am very exhausted from all these stupid events that don't even have to do with me but I was roped into and then unroped myself because hell no

Like I just I don't have the mental capacity and I don't feel good like I'm dealing with chronic pain and all sorts of other health issues right now and I don't fucking want to deal with someone who is not my child unless they reach out to me and ask for help because I cannot talk sense into my sister who is drunk or high most of the time and you and I both know that people in addiction have to choose to get better

And I am kind of sad for her but also very disgusted and pissed off at her for many reasons I'm not going to shame her for having any sort of addiction but I don't like that she has that issue right now and it worries me because her aunt her biological aunt died recently from alcoholism and a medical condition that caused her to die early from the drinking and Piper has not been tested for that genetic disorder or whatever So I am very concerned especially since she's 22 and parties a lot and I know when I was younger I did drink and then I got older and I was like You know this isn't my j how many more and I don't like hangovers anymore and I just quit because I don't really have that addiction Genetics thing that many people do struggle with and I'm sure that if I drank every day I could become addicted but I don't ever have like cravings for drugs or alcohol

Actually that's a lie sometimes I want a beer like I'll just crave the flavor of a beer even though usually I think they're pretty fucking gross but I assume that you understand what I mean by that

I'm not sure what to do and therapy tomorrow I am exhausted though and I wanted to work on things but I don't know if I am capable right now

I'm also really concerned because apartment 60 was sent a letter today about the fact that they won't be allowed to renew their lease

So I don't know if they're going to retaliate but they have told the new neighbors all about me because for some reason even though I've told the office that I can literally hear these people talking about me from every room in my apartment the people in apartment 60 have not been made aware that I can hear Everything they're saying so I'm a little worried about what's going to happen when I put my security camera up

I'm allowed to have it and it has cloud storage and capability of more than 1 person to have an account and look through the camera if need be and I was going to talk with a courtesy officer and see if it was capable of allowing him to access it for emergency reasons or to just check and see if it really is as bad as it is when I call for noise complaint before he walks out here and then tells me that nobody's being allowed because they see him and they usually scatter

And I'm not even anxious about any of this other than the fact that I am terrified apartment 60 is going to retaliate against me when it was my neighbor who raised hell and went to the front office finally because she was sick of it she knew I was dealing with it for a while but she's been dealing with her breast cancer and she just finally had enough.

So I found that out earlier today I was thinking that we were going to have to speak to mister Lewis who owns the property or did own the property or manages the entire patrician management properties something like that.

My parents have been really aggressive and cruel to me lately for really no reason because I've asked them like hey why are you mad at me did I do something wrong and they just get really pissed off and hang up on me or says that they have to go and hang up and I don't know what's going on

I know it's possible that it's not like personal but I really don't like that they're being cruel and I have calmly asked them you know can you stop being mean to me I didn't do anything to you why are You talkin' to me like that I don't deserve that and they will say something like really mean and nonsensical and just hang the phone up and I am left very confused and I did not blow their phones up with text messages today I did not have that compulsion today

And I did try to talk to my dad and he got mad about me repeating myself once or twice and he was like you need to fucking quit doing that and I'm like I can't really help it and he has a tantrum about it and I don't exist to please him or anybody else and this hurts my feelings so much because it's part of who I am currently and yes it is obnoxious but it's not something that I am Controlling that I am aware that I can just suddenly stop because when I do try to suddenly stop or I do get told to shut up Sometimes the compulsion gets worse and it's not something that like unconsciously doing I have been made aware of it many many times for the past couple of years and it's gotten worse and I don't know what's causing that

Willing to work on that but I need people to quit being so fucking critical of me because other people do understand when I say it's my OCD and I do apologize When that is happening. It is really frustrating having to apologize about something that I really don't have a good control over

I don't really get to pick or choose when it happens

So even though people hate it and everything it's like hey guys you don't have to live with this it's embarrassing already and I'm aware of it but it's actually pretty physically painful to quit and I don't know how to explain that it's something you would have to experience yourself and people just won't take my word for it and think that I'm just trying to make excuses to repeat myself and I'm like why would I do that

So yeah

And yeah I am worried about the people in apartment 60 I don't know when they're lease is up but they will have to move then but hopefully I will move before they do so I don't have to deal with it but I do worry for my neighbor but I also know she's grown and can take care of herself like she did the other day

I wish I could just go on a vacation for 2 weeks

Just like do my therapy session on video chat or something and go somewhere 42 weeks but I can't afford to do that right now so I'm trying to have vacation at home and vacation at home is just you know not the same

I've been using this little heart monitor which I guess you will see tomorrow and it is driving me insane right now I don't see a red rash but it it's like hell and I'm trying not to touch it because last time I had to wear one of these and they went to remove it it ripped some of my skin off and there was a horrible rash underneath the entire times so I'm hoping that this won't damage me as bad. It has to stay on till the 30 and it looks fucking gross right now because it has fuzzy particles stuck around the edges that I can't get off unless I use it alcohol be and then that might make the sticky come off completely so I just have to deal with it.

My appointment with my primary care yesterday she took a lot of pictures of me for medical reasons because I am growing a fucking mustache now and also like a beard as if somebody has given me hormone treatments to change genders which I do not like for myself because that's not how I identify

But it did give me a flashback to when I was a child having medical studies and pictures taken of me

And I did not tell her and I did not react but since then it's been flashing back to that and even though nobody hurt me I was a small child in a government study and my parents did not come back with me when they took me to the photography studio in the hospital I remember the people being nice but I also had to strip down to my underwear and they took pictures of my body because of the rash I had from my autoimmune disorder I had at was really uncomfortable when I was a kid and I didn't know that I could just tell them I did not want to do it and I was also a really shy kid and I went non verbal a lot and my parents just thought I was being shy and I could never explain it to them

So it's kind of like a weird trauma to have it's pretty unique one. But also when I remember that trauma from early childhood where I was actually abused pops up andI guess it's because both of those things involved pictures

And I do wonder if the pictures have something to do with why I don't want people to take like normal pictures of me and I only take head shots and I don't know if those things are connected and I don't know if we should explore that at some point but I figured I'd just mention it here so you might take note if you feel it's important for my treatment

Since me and my partner had an argument he's been pretty quiet I mean he did apologize for his bullshit properly and I'm not mad at he's been scarce

So me being a person who doesn't look at relationships like everybody else and I don't know how to explain that I don't know what's going on I don't know if people just have reflection period after these sort of things or what

I did talk to him briefly about 20 minutes ago just asking him if he was okay and he told me he was okay and that the movie long legs sucked andSuggested that I do not go see it even though I love Nicholas cage

And I sent him a couple little sweet messages but he didn't reply and I'm tired and I'm not gonna message him again to get a reply

I don't think that our relationship is in trouble currently I just don't know what to do when he's being super quiet andI always have this very irrational anxiety unrelated to the anxiety I'm having today thatThat people are angry at me or just don't want to deal with me or something like that. And I know that he may not want to talk to me and that's fine he does not have to I'm not holding a gun to his head to talk to me

But it sucks when people apeople are going through whatever and they don't really reply to you and you just feel really fucking alone

I mean it's pretty obvious I have abandonment issues. It's pretty obvious that I have some codependency problems and I tried to keep it all in check and I tried to have time by myself but the thing is unby myself a lot and today I wanted to be by myself other than talking to him because I didn't think I would get stressed out by him or you know a few other choice people if they did happen to contact me but mostly today I wanted to be left alone because of all the chaos

And I find it really ridiculous that me wanting to be alone and then like feeling very lonely and it's just I don't know

Because I'm alone most of the time and if I'm not talking to people is that I'm not talking in general I'm just dead silent all day long and some days I have nice quiet alone days where I just can relax but it's been so long that I don't even remember how to try and relax and when I say relax I don't mean fully relaxed because I don't even think I'm capable of fully relaxing unless I'm under anesthesia

Like I feel like I could be given a fucking horse tranquilizer and I would still be awake

I mean before my Doctor diagnosed me with a heart condition that says that I cannot have Various sedatives and sleep medications Especially meds like trazodone. Because I remember taking that medicine and my brain and body would fight it for a while much longer than most people last and I would hallucinate black & white. And I think it's really weird because the only other times I have had any sort of visual hallucinations medication-related they are always in black & white and that is just weird and I haven't asked my neurologist about that but I'm not sure he would even have an answer.

I think it might just be one of those really weird things.

I wish I could take ambien because I had the best fucking sleep of my life when I took that I did have 2 ambient adventures but nothing that put me in horrible danger. Not purposeful just took my medicine and did not fall asleep like I was supposed to and decided to apparently make some art and then the other time was I went outside and thought I saw moondog creatures going through things in my mom's car and so my dad just found me in the side yard with my hands-on my hips staring at her car and I was in a good mood I remember it vaguely and then he just Brought me back inside and told me to go to bed and I was like okay and went to bed and I continued taking the medicine and it really did help me to sleep but when my heart condition popped upThe Doctor told me I could no longer take it and I'm mad about it.

I have had insomnia and I think it's genetic because I believe my dad's mother also had a lot of trouble sleeping and getting rest and such and I do share quite a few traits with her

My father also has some sleep issues and I'm not sure about my mom I think she just works too much and spins too much money which is why she works extra hours but I can't do anything about her shopping addiction

I am grateful that she bought the security camera for me even though I didn't ask her to

I'm not going to ask her to pay me back the money that she owes me because of that

You know I never really want any arguments or drama with people but when they poke at me so much it does rile me app and it's very hard for me to get back to being calm because other people seem to be able to easily just get Uber it and go back to how they were before and I don't know why I have trouble with that it seems like my emotions have to catch up to my logic and that takes a lot Longer than I would like but I haven't found any sort of way even with cognitive behavior therapy techniques to really make it shorten

So basically I just have to wait while I'm sitting there kind of beating myself up because it's just like logically I know what's going on but emotionally it's like a Big stupid battle

And yeah I do want to do the disassociative testing because sometimes I do wonder if I am split in some sort of way that doesn't have to do with a personality disorder I think maybe my PTSD is causing something to happen or just you know years of abuse and trauma have done something to my brain well it's sort of obvious that I already have something going on but I would like to explore what it is and how to deal with that or work on you know staying In touch with reality more than I already am

And it's funny because I had a friend of mine talked to me a couple of days ago and she was like if I had to deal with as much as you did I would be delusional as hell on purpose and I was just like that sounds great but In practice I don't think it would be practical to do or healthy

I'm also trying to figure out a way to be brave and learn to skirt the rules for SSI without getting into trouble so I can make money because I feel it in my bones that my dad is getting worse and my mom is also getting worse and I can't really do anything about my sister and it's sort of like I feel like It's crunch time like I only have so much time before the clock runs out

I feel like this a lot. I get in a panic because I feel like I'm going to run out of time and then I'm fucked

And then I asked my dad and mom like I had a fucking meltdown because they kept giving me so many different times and months and days that I would be moving and nobody could give me just a general answer that for sure I would be at least looking at placesBecause I'm tired of having my hopes gotten up and then dashed

So finally my dad told me again that September is the month and so I'm trying to get my brain which is also me which is a mind fog but I'm trying to get my brain to understand that I'm going to have to wait till then and hopefully it wasn't bullshit because I don't want to deal with getting my hopes up again

I need to move regardless of psychological issues because I have physical issues that are causing me problems right now and I probably should be using my Walker but I fucking hate using it and bringing it with me places and sometimes I break down and do and I don't know if I'll have it with me tomorrow or not

I mean I don't think that you mind or anything just thinking about it out loud.

There are some articles about how some people with AD HD just process out loud and it also has to do with autism and then O CD comes in to play and so I Know that we can't just stick that Problem to one diagnosis but it is like you're symptomatic of those diagnosis and I did tell my dad when he was bitching at me that I Don't Know if it's like neurological Damage or if it's something that can be fixed or helped much More than I'm already trying And my trying is pretty much failing every time I try and it sucks and I get very mad at myself but I don't Feel like anything is clicking in my brain when I tried to stop myself on certain things

Like I don't know how to describe the click in the brain thing

Like it just kind of feels like I'm trying to do it but the request for the action is not being met with an OK we're gonna stop no matter how hard I'm trying to stop so it feels like I guess like the brain sends a signal to itself and says hey we need to stop doing this thing and then my brain just says nope I don't think so and continues to do it and I don't know how to fix that shit

And if I do have some sort of neurological damage you know they have not found it on ACT scan or AMRI

But I know that there's another type of brain scan which my insurance probably does not cover that shows when certain regions of the brain light up and when they don't and it's not an MRI even though Mr i's do have some capability like that

And I can't think of the name of the type of imaging and it's the kind that they use to look at schizophrenia and study other mental disorders and there's clinics that do it but I can't for the life of me think of the name

I feel like if I just had better health care access I wouldn't have so many issues in general

Like a lot of things will give me relief to know when in Spring I should be seeing my genetic assistant again because she has a very long appointment Wait list

And honestly I did get some sleep but I just feel like something is just draining my energy completely and I've been feeling like that for about a month and it's probably stress I mean that's the most obvious answer but I have been feeling just physically not great and it is exhausting to deal with chronic pain and crazy family and then other medical issues And I wish I could just get a break from it but that's not how it works

The situational depression that I am feeling is kind of just wavering if that's a way to describe it

I mean it's there it's more just annoying than anything and I don't really feel like super nasty but it just feels like a heavy cloud hanging on me and I'm trying to ignore it because it's just obnoxious

Like I don't like having sad bitch disorder

I would rather I've an episode of Mania where I just clean my apartment and talkward faster and act really super happy but it's been like years since that has occurred

I understand that manic episodes are pretty nasty for most people who suffer from like bipolar and other conditions but the Mania that I get once in a Blue Moon is just like I actually feel happy and I can do a whole bunch of stuff and I clean like a crazy person and there's no executive dysfunction and I feel like I'm powerful and shit and then it's gone in like a week at most

And then I just kind of go back to neutral normal

And you know I have my low moments but I don't really have like the nasty depression all the time

Even if I did I don't think that there's a medication out there currently that I have not tried that did not give me some sort of issue and the main ones that they give people that generally work really well for most of the population actually make me feel worse and that is fucked up and not fair

Because I mean who wants to have more interesting thoughts and feel more suicidal type feelings when they're just trying to feel better you know that's what happened after taking prozac for so long and I do worry that because it took prozac for so long and it's probably you know it probably was never a normal depression it was probably the dysthymia I was diagnosed as having when I was 14-15.

And I thank them treating me for regular depression and not short-term and just making me take prozac for many years without a break probably fucked my brain app and then the brakes that I did have I was on another medication that did not work obviously and I really don't know what happened last time I was in a facility but when I figured out that it was the prozac causing the problems and I took myself off of it All of that shit went away and it was pretty fucking bad so what I'm experiencing right now is not Is anywhere near that feeling.

Right now I just feel like a weepy baby and that's about it and I'm sad but I can logic it and I am feeling my feelings so there's really not much else I can do other than just raw dog this crap

I haven't smoked much recently either I did the other day for my pain but it wasn't really helping the pain as much as I would have liked it too so the Doctor gave me a non steroidal anti-inflammatory injection that is leaving my system right now but she gave it to me because I was all swollen on my hip

And I see my rheumatologist on the 29th so hopefully they can tell me what's going on or get me into physical therapy where they can fix the problem because it might just be due to my hypermobility

Also I know I've probably mentioned this before but I am wondering how much do auto immune disorders cause inflammation in the body and caused psychological issues from the inflammation

Because over the years I have read that people with auto immune disorders often experience emotional changes and mood changes and depression and such because there's inflammation of the brain as well and the tissues or you know things like that

I'm not super well versed on that topic because it wasn't mega interesting to me because I didn't feel like my last Rheumatologist before my new one would really understand or be able to answer the question I don't think that they were trained very well

But I wonder if I'm having any sort of flare up inflammation if that could be causing the brain problems or part of the problem I don't know if there's any way to remedy that but just a thought as to why I'm might be having some extra issues

I really loved my partner but I really miss my ex and neither of them are probably good enough for me but I still love them both

Like I desperately miss my ex-boyfriend but since he got sober he isn't speaking to me or coming around if I see him in public he's a sweetheart but he's not really seeking me out to spend time with me even though he said that I was his best female friend you know and it hurts I mean today I sent him a message to just ask him how he was doing and he just ignored me And I don't know if I should continue to put any energy towards that at all but I don't want to lose him

I feel like I'm losing him and I don't want to lose him and I know we're not dating but I mean like even as a friend

And I haven't told him what's been going on in my life because people don't want to know apparently

You know I'm supposed to just be like oh living the dream and everybody's like yeah me too and then nobody talks about anything and I think that that's like something that's fundamentally fucked up about society is that people just lie to each other and people just talk and stupid little riddles all the time and for me I just don't understand why they just don't directly say what they want to say

I mean I get it I'm not like them but I also know lots of other people that aren't like them either that are pretty direct but I just don't understand why other people have such a problem and why it's such a social taboo to just directly say something to somebody and they get all upset even though there's nothing to be upset about and I don't know if that's just like the United States that has a big issue with that

I've read that in other countries it's not that big of a deal to just directly speak to people and I've thought about if I could afford to just expand the Netherlands because apparently they're very direct people and that sounds like my jam but I don't actually really want to move just to be understood and accepted

But I've also read other really interesting things while I'm like going on my little special interest deep dives that people in other countries also don't experience various diagnosis the same

For instance lake in our country people with schizophrenia tend to have more negative experiences and in some regions and countries they have more positive experiences and often those people are looked at as shawman's and things like that like prophetic almost in certain cultures and I find that to be pretty fascinating and I wonder about Lake cultures before they developed like mental illness treatment what did they do back in early civilization did they just kill people did they just lock them away I mean I know that those were practices

But like were there any positive practices that were done when people had issues where they just seen as people with gifts

Anyway I can't remember the rest of what I was going to mention here and I'm tired so I guess I'll just talk to you tomorrow I don't know if you'll read this before I see you.

I mean hopefully you get a second to do so.

I know that my other journal entries probably are concerning but I don't want anybody to worry too much because like I've told you it's just kind of like brain vomit but I figured you could glean something from me when I'm just journaling.

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sincelastsession · 2 months

Text

My fucking God.

You know every day I wake up and I'm like maybe today will be a better day and it will be cool and nothing stupid will happen.

And every day I am proven wrong recently and this is not a cognitive distortion because all shit I am dealing with so many insane things and I feel like I'm a goddamn magnet for it and I don't think that there's a psychological or therapeutic explanation for why this keeps happening at this time I feel like I'm legitimately cursed LOL.

Like I have surpassed being upset to the point of hysterical laughing like I would do at a funeral usually.

So last night was insane and my neighbor went off on the other neighbor and I called corporate earlier that day because of the nightmare neighbors and she called corporate and wrote them a letter and sent them a picture and told them she was gonna send it all to the news station if they didn't take care of it and went to the office and tore them new assholes Because they kept telling me I was the only one that cared about it and was reporting the situation so she went up there to defend me and tell them they'd better get it straight.

But wait there's more!

So I had a stupid argument with my partner and it was his asshole response and I will maybe have to read that to you because I don't want to post it here but I think I handled myself okay there are some things that I need help learning about how to deal with certain types of confrontation obviously. Because I fawned when I should have bitten his head off. He did apologize for his bullshit and took accountability for it though. I am still mad at him though I have forgiven him and I have not heard from him since he apologized so I guess he is working on whatever the fuck is going on with him that caused him to be a snappy bitch. And I don't mean to insult my partner I am just super fucking exhausted and flabbergasted at my life in general and kind of a crab and a snappy bitch myself but currently I'm just like hysterically laughing at all the dumb fucking shit.

And I would love for this to be in order but I can't get my brain to put anything in order at all and it's annoying and I don't like it and Early wanna be on medication for this and my psychiatrist is unreasonable and terrified of the medical board and it's stupid because it would not even be high-dose it would be a baby baby dose of the medication and it worked before before my other psychiatrist died and there was no problem in the medical board did not spank him. Unfortunately he just passed away And I had to scramble to find Somebody. And I don't hate my current psychiatrist but he needs to work on how he talks to people or something because I always feel like he's staring into my soul and trying to cut me down and catch me in some sort of lie when I'm not even lying about anything and it's weird and he told me fraudian things that were also like wildly out of the box and so II don't know I don't know how to deal with these new doctors They aren't like new as in young but new as in new to me even though I've seen him quite a few times now but like Jesus Christ just totally not anywhere near my last psychiatrist rest in peace.

Anyway what else has happened o jesus

So after my neighbor reported the bullshit today to the office and raised hell and took up for me.

There was still more dumb bullshit but I did not have time to call and report it and report children creeping around my properthree making noises and screaming and talking about hurting my animals and all sorts of shit and I found out that none of those kids other than one girl is a resident of that apartment because the office doesn't know how to keep any information private about its tenants.

So all of the other children do not belong to this woman.

I want to my primary care Doctor today she is very concerned about my health it looks like I am having a load of different problems and possibly a another new immune disorder. I have a ton of blood work to get done. A whole entire button of tubes like I'm talking they're probably going to takeAt least 8 tubes of blood and I'm probably going to need to bring some juice with me and a snack or something they might as well just take a blood bag.

Anyway my primary care is extremely worried about my stress levels and I told her that I've been talking with you and that I've been working as hard as I can on coping with the stress of everything going on and it seems to be one thing after another regardless if I try to do absolutely nothing or if I tried to get up and get things done. We have established that it is not cognitive distortions running the show it is just literally I'm not having a good time and dumb things are happening. And I'm having lots of health issues because of all of it and probably just genetic factors.

I have to wear this silly little heart monitor till the 30 and I hate it and it hurts and I want to rip it off of my chest right now because it's itching like fuck and I'm allergic to Many types of adhesive. And I have to mail this damn thing back on the 30th if I can remember God help me.

And what else is going on let me think because 3 million things happened today yes I'm exaggerating.

So all day I was on and off the phone with my neighbor because well I was off getting things done and seeing my Doctor and visiting someone all chaos has broken loose at the apartment complex.

So I decided that since I went to the Doctor I did not want to go directly home because every time I step foot outside home all the people in apartment 60 come outside and start saying things to me and this is legitimately happening and the office doesn't believe me and I have ordered a security camera and it will be put up.

Also I found out that my dad went to high school with the owner of all the patrician management properties and he will be talking to the man about remedying the entire situation and I am to be moved in September and he will also ask him if he can help find me a nice quiet safe place to stay so I can work on my therapy and everything will be OK hopefully God damn it Like this better work because I am so close to losing it right now like I'm laughing and trying not to fuck up writing this because I'm not even stoned right now I'm just in hysterics because this is like nonsense world.

OK so I went to the Asian market after the Doctor appointment and I was looking for a broom and a few other things that are healthy if you eat the right things and I lost a pound or 2 but I'm also holding a ton of water weight and my doctor's gonna look into what's going on and send me to a gastroentestinal Doctor and whatever other doctors we talked about today I can't even remember at this point I'm so fucking tired. Because like I have cut my calories because I'm not as active and I can't go swimming the pool because people in apartment 60 have taken it over every single day even during the rain today and it keeps turning Kermit the frog green so I can't do my low impact swimming exercises And every time I leave my apartment I get called a fat bitch and all sorts of things from children probably under the age of 12 but I'm not quite sure how old they are. And I don't know if children in this situation where I'm not seeing an exchange of money but there's always a large group at the apartment from 9 of them to 12 of them at a time or more.

I think it might be time to work with you and talk to CPS and see if they can investigate the situation because they are often left outside without an adult present and that is against our apartment rules and I think it's illegal if there's no one over the age of 16 with them.

Because you know what they fucked with the wrong one they fucked with the wrong 1 I know too many people in this city And I have figured out their little fucking game and I am gonna WRECK their little game if they don't quit. No violence involved. But first I need to write a formal letter and I'm bad at doing that so I'm trying to figure out how to do that. If you have any resources on how to do that and you want to email it to me please do I'm not really seeing your emails and I'm a little aggravated about that not at you but I don't know if like my Google account is just filtering it into spam or something else. I do have another email account that I might have to switch over to forgetting emails from you.

By the way completely off-topic I still would like to do the disassociative disordered testing and any other testing you want to go ahead and do on me I will gladly do it I wanna find out if there's anything else going on before we Proceed with my therapy and working towards my goals.

I also visited Travis and his parents for a little while today and his mother sweet and gave me some sage advice and told me to rest 43 days and do nothing but take care of myself and whatever I want to do and I didn't have the heart to tell her that it is far too loud and insane over here for me to do that so I just thanked her for the advice she's a very nice lady she plays it law Davina a lot I don't know if you've ever seen her play but she's wonderful she used to be in this punk band called your mom. But they disbanded because they had grandchildren.

Anyway yeah Doctor's appointment I'm not doing great I don't like that that's going on I probably should sign a piece of paper so you can talk to my primary care if you'd like to I don't mind. She did ask how therapy was going and I told her it seemed to be going all right and she asked your name again so I think it might be a good idea for you guys to be able to talk if need be.

Anyway soyesterday I visited Travis's parents and said goodbye to travis because he went to bed early I was driving home and my parents blew my phone up

Because my father apparently got home and thought he heard my sister crying screaming because of the fact that her fiance broke up with her over text and he went to knock on her door and then opened the door.... And caught her having sex with her Ex fiancée's best friend in my childhood bedroom...

So my parents were texting me asking me for help with that situation because my sister is flipping out and completely out of control I have found so much shit out in the past 24 hours of what she's been up to and I'm sure there's more and she really really needs to go to a facility. And my parents tried to get me to call her and speak to her or go grab her and bring her to my apartment and I told them hell no.

I partially raised her because they didn't do shit just like they didn't do shit with me. I warned her not to do a whole bunch of stupid things which she has done I warned her about a lot. I told her not to do the dumb thing. I told my parents she's going to do these things and she is doing these things and they blew me off and they told me I was just trashing her and I hated her and made up all these stupid little lies that were not true and so Piper thinks that I hate her or something.

Communicating with both of them and my sister is like playing the worst grade school game of telephone ever.

My dad called me begging me to try and talk to her because she was freaking out and screaming him and cursing him out and it's his house and I had to remind him that it's his house and he could have just called him or the police or just told her to get the fuck out.

And I got bothered so much that I sent text messages back to everybody to leave me the hell alone and that they were crossing major boundaries especially when they told me not to tell them what to do with my sister and all this other shit about her which I had been warning them to get her some fucking help.

I am willing to get her some fucking help if she is willing to agree to go get the help otherwise I can't do anything about it. She's drinking she's smoking not medical marijuana every single day to cope with life. And it's all day. She's unemployed. She cannot drive. She did not get her high school diploma. All she has been doing is partying and doing drugs and drinking. Heavily. And then I do think that she is screwing around with a lot of other people And I'm not slut shaming her but I think she is being self-destructive with her body because she is incredibly insecure and Angry.

I mean she's being self-destructive in general.

I'm very much wont to be the big sister and go and help her and speak with her but my dad was like oh be really nice to her because she's in a bad mood and I as a grown woman am not going to bow down to a 22-year-old child basically because she's in a bad mood and I'm not gonna put myself in danger of getting hit again.

I did tell my parents that if I do help her and if she says one more time that she wants to die that I will call EMS and the police and I will call her bluff and I will give her the toughest love she's ever had.

I never did that for people who are dead now and I'll be damned if I see my sister go down that road. I do not care if she is mad at me for the rest of her fucking life. I understand that people with addiction issues need to choose on their own but right now I feel that if she was admitted to a facility that helps with these problems now it would prevent her from getting worse.

I did tell my parents they were crossing my boundaries because I'm not her parent and they have made that abundantly clear when I have tried to help in the past and if Piper wants my help she can call me she has my phone number she knows where I live.

And then my father suggested that she lived with me and I said not unless she follows the rules of my home.

So that's very disturbing and I'm very upset about it and I don't know what happened and I did not ask and I would like to help her but she is not very receptive to me or my parents and she thinks she's slick as if I don't know what she's up to but I have plenty of friends all around this city that see her getting up to things she should not be doing.

It's pretty embarrassing to hear about what your sister got up to from one of your friends who was at the same bar.

Also her biological aunt just died at a very early age from an alcohol-related disease as in like she drank a lot like an alcoholic but she also had a problem in her body that's genetic that caused her to die faster from drinking.

And Piper will not go to the Doctor and she refuses to take any pills. Except for of course recreational drug pills which she will not admit to but I know she's done it. Also I know she's either drinking or doing opiates because people don't cross their eyes like that when they are just stoned. She was in my apartment crossing her eyes and nodding off before she went on an adventure downtown to an abandoned building with stolen street signs with the dude she got caught fucking and 2 other of her friends to take very scantly clad photo shoots and I am not going to shame her for wearing next to nothing but I'm not thrilled about this at all not the lack of clothing but just the things she's getting up to She's going down a bad path and it is worrying me because I have been there and I know what happens if you don't stop being a dumb ass.

And despite the fact that she has been incredibly inappropriate and awful towards me most of her life I still love her very much despite the abuse she has put me through as a teenager and a younger adult now especially with the recent events in January that she doesn't even remember correctly. Most likely because she had been drinking on the way home and didn't think that I wouldn't smell it on her breath but I didn't call her out on it.

And my parents didn't believe me about any of the shit she was doing and they told me that I was just being a bitch and all of this and I told them and I fucking warn them and I've been warning them since she turned 18 and before that as well.

And yeah it's been fucking insane

And me I'm not okay about any of this shit I'm not doing well in general and now I have to worry about my sister because my parents don't know how to be parents and give her tough love and they're asking me for advice and help

My mother is a fucking psychiatric nurse and she can't get her own daughter some damn help and it would be very easy because they could do the same shit they did to me and just tell EMS that she said she wanted to die even if she fucking didn't say it because they've done that to me before and they won't admit that they did it but they did. And I don't hate them for doing that I needed to go to the hospital back then for that instance. I was younger than her and I was doing stupid shit and I had traumas and didn't want to talk about it and my brain was probably protecting Itself and I needed a fucking wake up call.

So I don't know.

Anyway I get home because the entire time I'm driving from Travis's house to my apartment my parents are like calling me and so is my neighbor and so are like 3 other people that were supposed to call me a couple of days ago and I'm like oh my God I'm gonna have to get back to half of you

And I get to my apartment and I walk up the stairs with my groceries exhausted as hell and I set my groceries down on the chair and I go to open my door and the neighbors an apartment 60 open their door and they all come out there and they all start saying shit to me and then I just go inside and shut my door and dead bolt it.

Then I just screamed like I was dying for a minute Into a pillow.

I don't want to scare the cats and I'm worried about June because I missed giving her her medicine this morning dealing with bullshit neighbors so I hope that didn't fuck up her recovery from her uti and I don't even know how she got one because she has a steady source of very clean water and I'm really concerned because she's like my child I know she's a cat but I can't have kids so that's the closest thing I have to a kid and I know she won't live forever but she's 12 and most of my cats live a long damn time because I take very good care of them. I think it's only fair because they take very good care of me as my ESAs.

I cannot wait to move to a place where I can foster a dog again because that will get me back on a schedule of some form because I will have to be on a scheduled to take a dog on walks and take a dog out and take a dog to an adoption house etc. And I can focus on that and I can focus on my therapy and I can focus on getting other things that I have needed to get done done. I literally have an art commission and I can't get it done and luckily the Person is being incredibly patient because they understand the kind of situation I'm dealing with And they know that artists need peace and do not function well in chaotic environments while they're trying to make art. At least me as an artist I don't do well with loud ass noise unless it's music that I picked out and put on repeat while I zone out and make a painting for 6 hours straight.

I'm super pissed because I haven't been able to be creative and do anything that makes me happy because these people are trying to ruin my life.

But that's OK what goes wrong comes around and I'm fucking coming around.

Found out that my father knows the owner of patrician management because they went to high school together. So he's gonna talk to him if this situation does not remedy itself. He knows the owner from high school and hangs out apparently now with a group of guys from high school like they met at reunion. And I'm happy that he is socializing with new people. Because my father's socialization skills can be very bad and you didn't get to see that because he was masking big time in that appointment and bullshitting you. He's very good at that.

Anyway these people are so fucked for messing with me and my neighbor who is recovering from breast cancer still.

Anyway since he knows the guy and the guy owns Lewis properties. I will likely be able to find a very nice place to live in September or earlier hopefully. I'm trying not to get my hopes up because my parents get all excited and tell me things and then it generally doesn't happen. But I'm hoping for a fluke of nature and that good things will come of this.

Off-topic again I think it's hard for me to remember and talk about certain things because I think my brain's still protecting me from a lot of things and from just daily traumatic insane shit and I feel like that should be looked at not my forgetfulness so much but just the fact that that could be happening I'm just kind of curious like can the brain still be protecting me at an older age if I'm still having traumas And I'm sure I could Google that but I'm so tired of looking up medical stuff even though a lot of it is like a special interest to me

Also I'm not even trying to be ridiculous this is also very much off-topic

I got some bubble tea with popping boba and it today and it was really fucking good and I'm really sad that it's gone and I almost want to cry about it like a pregnant woman with a food craving and I think my hormones are really fucked up.

Okay I need to actually bitch a little bit more

I am really fucking gross out and pissed with my sister even though I do love her

Apparently it's not the only person she has fucked in my childhood bedroom that she took over

My dad has rules for that house and I followed those rules growing up and I was made to follow this rules growing up I wasn't even allowed to have my door shut even when I was over 18 and had company over of the opposite sex but when I was younger growing up the house was such a fucking disaster that I rarely had any company over

It's actually worse over there now. I have no fucking clue why her friends even enter the house without throwing up because of the ammonia smell and cat piss smell that is horriblemy dad and sister are completely nose blind to it

I'm really actually fucking mad that my parents freaked out and called me for advice when they gave me hell growing up and when I tried to help my sister when she was at the age where she needed me to help her in my parents basically told me to fuck off and go live my own life and I still didn't get to live my own life because of their bullshit and I'm still not really getting to live my own life as much as I would like to because of their bullshit

I'm still pretty disturbed and fucking mad that as a child my sister would get really bad like dreadlock mats in her hair and I was the one that had to figure out how to fix that and I was the 1 who had to teach her to wash her own hair

I was the one that had to draw her bathwater quite a bit growing up and get her to go take a bath

Even as a teenager she did not shower or bathe very much and she smelled like ass

And she got teased at school and I was like I can take you to go get the things that you need so you don't get tested and so you can keep your hygiene app and I can teach you how to do make app and all of these things so it's not super obvious but you look nice at school so you don't get bullied and I can make sure that your clothes get cleaned with the right detergent so they don't smell like cat pee when you go to school but no one let me do a lot of things to help her

I wish I could speak to her fiancé well now ex fiancé and ask him what exactly happened that made him break up with her because I want to know his side of the story because I'm the one he asked to help arrange the engagement because his idea was bullshit and I did not want my sister to have a piss poor engagement and he went along with it because he had no idea what he wanted was to marry her And he wanted to have her come live on base with him and he was going to give her a home and not require her to work unless you wanted to and all of these things

And I really find all of this to be fucked app Timing because my sister does not have a job Right Now and she's got all these Issues that I have previously mentioned and suspect and my parents are old and my dad is not doing well and my mom is slowly going downhill as well and I feel like even with all the fucking chaos I'm dealing with I feel like the most sane person in the family right now.

I am fucking mad at my sister. Because when she's not working she is leaching off of my parents when she is perfectly healthy enough to go walk to Perkins road or get a ride and go apply for every store over there and I'm sure she could acquire a job.

I mean if she would just go get her GED she could go to community college stay in a student house and get some sort of benefits because I know that they have tons of opportunities for that and she could make healthier friends that won't get her arrested or something. I mean she's only 22 that's basically a baby and it's really hard to talk with her or help her because she just wants to escalate things and freak out and get dramatic and talk about how she wants to die and then she gets violent and flashes out and it looks similar to some of the ways I acted as a teenager and a very young 20 something

There's a lot of things that she has done that I have also done and it makes me feel like she's trying to copy me in a way

I was at 1 point almost engaged to a black man in the Air Force

She knows about that she also knows about all the naughty stupid things I did as a teenager that I should not have done and I told her not to do those things and it was not going to end well if she did and that she would end app in therapy at my age if she continued to do similar things that I did and she's going to end app having some traumas if she continues to hang around the people that she is hanging around and if she continues to scroll around she's going to end up pregnant And I don't know if she pays attention to the news but she doesn't really have a choice if she gets pregnant with all the laws that they are passing. And my parents at their age cannot take care of a baby and my sister has such a temper that I would not leave a baby with her even if it was her own child

I don't plan to be financially asking my parents for help for the rest of my life and I never did to begin with. I mean at this point it's fucking embarrassing. And I want to make it crystal clear that I have never done anything to take advantage of my parents on purpose to gain a place to live or anything else just because I didn't feel like working or something to that effect

But my sister does manipulate an abuse my parents and she does fuck with their heads and pretend to have issues that she does not have and it doesn't take a Doctor to look at her and see that she is perfectly capable of being an adult and going out and doing better things with her life

And I keep trying to get my parents to speak with Travis's parents who have gone through this with travis and travis I would ask him to talk with my sister and me but my sister probably would blow him off too

The thing is any time you're talking to her and you tell her the truth of something she flips outShe escalates since she turns it into this big drama and she twists it around and it's very narcissistic behavior and manipulative and I have sat there and watched her do this and done Gray rock as she flipped out 43 hours once

I mean one time she tried to fight me and I don't even know what it was about she just lost her shit because I asked her I think a simple question about like dinner or something and she was hanging out with her ex-boyfriend Dorian at the time and he was just sitting on the bed Stone and she was just being a fucking asshole in front of him and she does that a lot in front of her friends when I'm around she just talk shit to me in front of her friends like she's trying to impress them

And I went grey rock on her of course which is not easy to do when somebody is trying to push every button that you have. And her bothering me and following me around and screaming at me because I pointed out that she was acting mighty insecure lasted for over 4 hours and she threatened to hit me and gotten my face and talked like she was some ghetto bad bitch when she's a little white suburban girl Who is spoiled fucking rotten and it gets everything she wants because she knows how to manipulate my parents

And I have tried to tell my parents that she has been doing this since she was a small child I think that she legitimately has some sort of personality disorder that she has had her entire life or it's inherited from her biological father who gave her biological older sister shaken baby and her grandmother now takes care of this child by herself because her mother is a dead beat her aunt is dead from alcohol and her grandfather who was apparently a very good man passed away

And I have offered to bring her to visit her grandmother and meet her sisters because she does have I believe 2 more sisters and a half-brother

And I think it would be good for her at some point

Also you know she's put me in a position again of having to give my parents advice and work with her and all this other shit and I don't want to do it again

I thought when she got engaged she would make an engagement announcement and all of these things that most people do and she didn't and she wined about a ring that she said she loved and she bitched and moaned about how he didn't get her the perfect one when he told her he would upgrade her to the 1 she wanted when they got married because he would be paid enough to get her that or something even nicer

And I told my mother when she told me about it that the behavior was disgusting to me and I did not really want to know more and my mother continued to tell me more about how my sister hated that the gotten gazed and didn't really like how the engagement went and all these other things and she's just an ungrateful shithead in my opinion and I think she was cheating on him the entire time because there's evidence of that and I have witnessed things that I wanted to text him and ask him if they had agreed on You know seeing other people possibly while he was in training But that is not my business so I did not ask.

But I do really really want to message him because she did not tell me that he broke the engagement off yet so I could play dumb and just talk to him because I don't think he has any reason to hate me and he's a nice kid and he's a lot more grown up since he's gone through basic training

But he did cheat on my sister before they even gotten gauged they were actually broken up they weren't even dating when he proposed

So like my parents also have never given her any sort of dating advice because my father is the only man my mother ever really actually dated and she dated him for about 6 months before they got married or something ridiculous like that in my opinion

And I mean sometimes my family seems so insane and it reminds me of the book running with scissors Which was also adapted into a movie but it's just like weird characters

And sometimes I look at my life and the people in my life as if they are characters or NPCS

And it's almost in this disassociated ways and I like take a step back and observe all these people.

And I don't think I'm better than them or worse than or the smartest of them

But something's weird

Sometimes it's like interacting with people that you meet in your dreams like that's the best I can explain it honestly like have you ever had a very vivid Dream where you had a conversation with someone and it was very real feeling and very realistic and you woke up and you couldn't remember the conversation but you could remember the person and the plays and how everything felt

But that person in your dream is not even a real person that you know in real life it's just somebody that your brain made up because that's how you get all the extra people in your dreams your brain just makes stuff up

And you know your brains also giving itself a little bath while you're having little weird dreams

And so like as someone who is not asleep currently I am just you know sitting here reflecting on my mother and my father and my sister and just all these people and it's just weird because I feel so far separated from everyone

Like I feel very much different than all these people and I'm not like exaggerating or trying to make myself sound like I'm the most special girl or like I don't know how to explain this it's so difficult to explain. I want to say it feels like I'm a main character and these are like other characters that popup in my life and drive me fucking insane and it's almost like when you're playing The Sims and like they did an Easter egg in the game where sometimes it'll give you a notification that 1 of your Sims is wondering about if they live in a simulation and it cracks me up every time.

But I mean since I was younger everything has been just increasingly nonsense like just the absurdity is getting more and more in the world and in my personal life every year

And I don't know if it's because I'm autistic and this is just something that I'm noticing and it's not something I've noticed before pattern wise and it's kind of weirding me out big time honestly

Like what the fuck

And I tried to talk to my mom the other day about like there's a certain type of brain scan that tells you what parts of your brains are active and it can also help diagnose certain issues and things like that and I was trying to ask her If she just knew what it was called and she freaked out at me and I had to be like wow wow wow why are you freaking out and yelling at me

And my mother has been freaking out and yelling at me a lot lately even if I haven't blown her phone up or been a bitch even when I've been very nice to her she like tries to verbally come in on me

She screams that she needs to get off the phone like she's like having a massive panic attack

I had my head set on earlier today and I needed to pee and I have spoken to her while I was on the toilet my entire life in person so today when I had to talk to her and I had to pee really bad and I did not want to hang app the fucking phone because I was going to talk to her and then get off the phone and go rest and that just didn't happen the way I wished it to be but she like got mad because I needed to pee and she heard What's she thought was p but I had turned the sink on to block the noise out and then she had to have this weird little flip out about hearing me piss

And I was like why does it even matter you changed my diapers growing up like you're my mother why is it suddenly gross why am I gross for going to the bathroom I understand that people you're not close to you're not gonna be on the phone with them while you go to the bathroom and I understand that everyone's different but I have talked to her while I've been in the fuckingthat's room like so many times and she has never Bitched me out before about it

And I think it's pretty fucking weird that when I was a little kid she would scream at me if I'd tried to go in the bathroom with her I remember being like very small and trying to get into the bathroom because I didn't want her to be in there by herself or something I don't know what my childhood logic was

And I get it she probably just wanted peace and quiet but I was a Clinger 9000 and it was probably because I was abused and scared and I went on verbal a lot as a child and everybody just said that I was shy

In that kind of makes me mad

It makes me mad that they didn't recognize that things were wrong because I also went bed and I also had a lot of hypersexuality behaviors and other weird things that I did

But anyway back to the bathroom chatting so my sister comes along when I'm like 15 years old and my parents just take her everywhere with them my sister would get brought to the bathroom with my mother and like just the complete fucking opposite behavior towards her then meAnd I guess the point of that is not really the bathroom thing like I'm mostly like over that even though I think it's really fucking dumb that she got mad over that like come on there's there's more things to be upset about in the world than that and she's my own mom so I don't know why all the sudden it's like taboo

And it is frustrating with my mom because she's diabetic so it's like she has 3 or 4 different personalities and she might actually have a disassociative Problem. Because my father has told me stories and It would make sense. Especially since her father tried to abuse me and did abuse me and did molest me and did try to peep on my sister and my mother when they stayed with my grandparents.

And my mom has all these secrets like she would not hand me her phone the other day so I could show her how to work something and she kept asking me to tell her how to do it on an iPhone and I have an android and I haven't operated an iPhone in a long time so I needed to look at the operating system real quick to like figure it out and then tell her how to fix her phoneAnd she got very flustered and very mad when I asked her to hand me her phone so I could mess around with it for a second and then figure out the problem and show her how to do it because she asked me

And so she finally hands me the phone over after I promise that I'm not going to open her phone gallery or her messages or look at who called her and I don't know what the fuck she's hiding that she was so angry and weird about that

I did not go through her phone and I tried to look at the phone it wasn't even 30 seconds until she just got very mad and snatched it out of my hand and said never mind fuck it you're not gonna be able to help me or something like really shitty

And she didn't have low or high blood sugar she was just being an asshole

And she made me order pizza for the both of us and I told her exactly how much mine costs because she told me she would give me the exact amount because she had cash on her so I told her how much it cost before I ordered it and it was her idea and then when the pizza came and it was time for her to give me money for ordering her some food she only gave me part of the money and then said she did not have all of the money so she lied to me And she owes me money

And she has not paid me back and she has done this multiple times and so has my father my father would fucking steal money out of my piggy bank and my mom would also take money out of it and say she was putting it in a savings account for me and I think that's really interesting

Because growing up I was told that they were putting money in savings accounts for me but I have never seen any of this money

Apparently my grandparents on both sides also had savings accounts for me and I never saw any of that money I do not know what the fuck they did with money that was supposed to go to me

And I don't know I mean I don't really know what to do anymore I mean like

All these people in my life feel like characters and just not real sometimes

Like sometimes lately I just feel like shits just not real like I'm real and things I'm interacting are real but didn't like the background stuff just doesn't seem real at all

And then sometimes like the people I'm talking to in person just do not seem real

And I don't know how to describe this because I don't want to sound like I'm like schizophrenic or something because I don't think it's anything like that I do think it might have to do with this association but I'm not like actively noticing all this shit to like today and the other day I felt like that and this and this is not like a common thing that occurs with me

It may be only happens once a year otherwise but this year it's been like what the fuck is my life like what alternate universe are we in

And it was really weird and interesting to me when my parents got divorced they turned into drastically different people like almost overnight

Like my mom got highly aggressive and secretive and my dad was just angry and depressed and just worse and more controlling towards me and started treating me like I was some sort of wife and that was fucking weird and then later on I learned that it was emotional incest and probably grooming Because my parents have always pitted me against each other

And sometimes I look at them and I see them and I'm like wow they're really just insecure small sad people

And it's weird sometimes just like being autistic or a nerd diversion or whatever the fuck and Observing things and seeing things from like different points of view that most normal people don't know how to do and don't experience the ability to do and can't like think about how other people might feel in shit and II know it's like I'm not super special because I can do that because I know that's perfectly mentally healthy people can also do that but most people don't do that

And Travis has told me that I'm incredibly good at putting myself in the shoes of another person and trying very hard to figure out what they must be feeling and going through and that's why people like me so much or something like that I don't remember the words verbatim but you know I think that has to do with my people pleasing cause I tried so very hard to be the perfect child and the perfect daughter for my parents and at 1 point my spirit just kind of broke and I gave up and I started fighting back because it just reminds me of like when you abuse an animal enough they either like lay down and die or they fight back

And I just I'm really grossed out that my sister was fucking another dude like 2 days after her fiance broke up with her

And she drinks so fucking much and she hides it

And I mean I already cleaned 40 fucking cups out of her bathroom that were all half filled with alcohol and my parents were like oh that's just juiced it And it fermented and I'm like what the fuck do you guys think wine and liquor is

And they were like oh some of it was soda and I was like yes I'm it was soda and hard liquor mixed together in it to go cup because they were all cups from a place at 1 of her friends bartended at

And she doesn't drive she has a skateboard and she can walk places so I mean she's just drinking and it's just upsetting me like I'm worried about it I know it I should be fucking worried about myself but this is like not good

Like none of this is good I'm worried I don't know how to get her into a place for a wake up call before it gets worse and then she refuses to get help and then she causes my parents stress and then she ends up dying of a fucking overdose or something or she ends up on the streets

So like I'm not sure what to do because she's 22 years old.

I don't know if interventions are very helpful these days I've seen so many of those shows and I don't know if that's realistic to try and plan an intervention for her or not.

And I would like to get my parents on board with that to help her and I would like to find friends and people that actually do Care about Her but Quit talking to Her because of Her behavior and see if they would show up as well for Her

And most of her friends got sober and she started hanging out with more people that did drugs and stopped hanging out with her sober friends

So I don't know

I am really stressed out right now it is almost 3 AM and I hear people Outside Right Now and I Know I'm not hallucinating that I Know that the kids from apartment 60 do not seem to have a Bad time and the Mother does not seem to watch them and every time I've tried to get footage of any of this the Mother Freaks out and calls me some sort of pedophile because she's a Messy Bitch but the office is the people that told me to take pictures of when she's not Out There and which kids are Out There And they shouldn't have told me to do that so now they things like creep and other crap at me as well as calling me a fat bitch and stuff that I try to just Block out when I'm going outside to leave or just water my plants like I have a chair outside that I used to like to sit in and just like observe everything without getting involved or talking to people I just wanted to sit on my little balcony porch and I can't Didn't do that now because like I tried to sit outside the other day with my headphones in and listen to some music and look at the sky because the clouds were Really pretty and the Sunset was happening and it made like the Colors of Everything look a little bit Different and they all Decided to just come Outside and yap at me

Like it started with the little kids being like what she doing why she doing that you think she's videotaping us what is that dumb white lady doing and just various other insults like it's really not that creative it is like grade school level bullying and it is like ghetto ratchet bullshit

And so I sat there for another minute or 2 and then they all like ran downstairs and started screaming and standing next to the pool and sang shit leg oh no if I go in the pool by myself I might drown and these are children saying this and the mom tells them to do it and nobody at the office believes me I'm not making it up and my neighbor has seen it and one of the people at the office has actually seen it and she didn't do anything about it because she didn't know what she was supposed to do about it and that's quite interesting to me

Because how the fuck did she get hired

I feel like I could take all these people's job I feel like I could take on the manager's job

Unfortunately I don't have the college education in order to get that job but I would be good as fuck at it because it doesn't seem that damn hard

I mean if something is broken you send the maintenance people out and if the maintenance people can't fix it then you call a professional and then the management company pays for that and you're just the one calling and scheduling things and if you have a computer you can have a scheduling program on it so you know what's happening all the time like they have all that software

And then as far as showing people apartments you don't really need to say much of anything other than showing people any special features and answering any questions they might have which are usually pretty average normal questions as I have looked at apartments myself and gone with friends to look at places and they're just typical questions

And it's not like you have to have a talent to get somebody to rent an apartment because usually they're coming to check it out because they're already interested and all you have to do is just show them what they are asking about and if they don't like it then they're not going to rent and if they do they will rent

I just I it cannot be that fucking hard

And I have asked the office if they had any jobs available And if they had some sort of forum I could fill out to apply to work there and help them in the office even if it was just secretarial type work

Or just printing out things and doing little things here and there for a couple of hours a day which I could have at 1 point done and right now I can't

And you know they seem to be like happy and excited about it but then you know I asked about it again and I saw eye rolls so I think that because they know that I am autistic and I have PTSD they are treating me in a very prejudiced way

Because they for some reason are scared of me about my PTSD and I'm not violent like that it's very very rare that I flip out and get violent with anybody ever I have to be really pushed to my limit and I have to lose complete touch with reality and that has not happened for a very long time

And I had to explain to Erica who walked me back to my apartment after I was threatened and named called and who witnessed the children taunting me and did not do a fucking thing about it that I was not a dangerous person and that I was in therapy and I was not a threat to myself or others and I have a psychiatrist that I see that specializes in this and I thought it was kind of insulting that they thought that of me and that my autism did not make me fucking stupid either I didn't say fucking but I told her it didn't make me stupid and that high-functioning does not mean high-functioning like on the intelligence level either that's not how any of that shit works

Off-topic again cause I'm switching topics

I'm a little worried about having to see a gastro in testing Doctor again. I'm not correcting that I'm sure you can figure out what kind of dogs are I'm talking about the tummy Doctor

Anyway most of the time when they are checking your intestines or if you can swallow or any stomach problems or gallbladder they will do a barium swallow test

And I have had to do that a lot in my life time as a small child and into teenage years because of the disorders that I have that are auto immune

And honestly I hate that test more than I hate a lot of other tests that would freak people out even more

I don't know why it bothers me so much

Maybe possibly because the barium looks like some sort of silly putty or whatever there's that liquid that is also like solid acting and I can't think of the name of it but I remember and like science class a science teacher would make it or show us it or let us play with it and it wasn't silly putty acted like silly putty or like even softer than that but if you used Force on it it would be really stiff or something I don't know But anyway my point is it reminds me of something that should not be in my body and I want to like throw app and die every time I have to do that test and it gives me like panic attacks thinking about it but I know I'm going to have to have that done and I'm probably going to have to have another scope done and I don't want to do that either but there's just something wrong with my body and people have called me a hypochondriac for a long time but every time I have sensed That there is something going onAnd I have figured out what it is and I have gone to that Doctor I have been correct.

Now right now I know that there is something going on however I'm not exactly sure what it is which is why I asked for referrals to a couple different doctors and the Doctor today agreed with me that I was smart and those were related conditions and she should give me a referral for that and she was going to tell me that before I even asked

And I don't think there's anything wrong with being smart about your health like that

I think it's very important as a spoony and as a zebra to research and learn about your conditions and keep your doctors and check about certain things because a lot of them are not educated on all the things that you would think they need to be especially some of the specialists that should know better

And I don't think that I'm smarter than any of them at all but a lot of them seem to think that I think that and I've gotten nasty comments by other doctors before even though I've been like nothing but a fucking polite delight that just knows medical language because I grew up around it and I did not grow up and learn to speak simply I grew up and read the the saurus and I looked at the Mosby's dictionary in Grey's Anatomy growing up and I read giant fucking chapter books I read Warren peace and some other massive book in high school for fun and my english teachers didn't believe me and made me write a report on it and I did overnight and they were flabbergasted

Now I couldn't fucking tell you what That book is about now because I don't even remember because I don't remember huge chunks of my life and it was likely that I was on klonopin at that point in time when I was in high school because I had switched psychiatrist for a short period of time and the lady put me on fucking klonopin and it made me just forget everything and I would have like monsters flip out worse than any of them and I was mean and I just I don't remember it I just remember my parents being like we couldn't deal with you we brought you back and they took you off a bit and put you back on your xanax and you acted normal again

And I was like okay and then you know my life went back to the normal shit show

And yeah I just I don't want to go see more doctors but I know that there's something going on that they're not finding because I can feel it in my body and I get really insulted when doctors tell me that they think I'm a hypochondriac or people tell me that like it makes me angry like it's one of the biggest insults for me it's a huge trigger and I swear if you ever call me a hypochondriac incession I will flip out at you and walk out and never come back and I'm so serious about that I don't think that you would do that to me but I'm just telling you right now I will not put up with that that's a massive boundary for me

And it is a massive boundary for me because I was told that I was lying growing up when I was basically fucking dying until I was fucking dying and I had to be rushed to children's hospital and then it took the Doctor like 10 minutes to diagnose me

And you know I've been misdiagnosed by so many doctors so like I don't think I'm a fucking hypochondriac

I mean a hypochondriac is going to pick out a disorder that they could not even possibly have and then convince themselves that they have it and then go to the Doctor and then find out that only men get that problem like that's a hypochondriac

I'm more curious to see if certain medical conditions are related 21 another because they are making medical findings about that and I read medical news because it is my special interest and it has always been interesting to me even as a small child because like before I even was diagnosed properly I was stealing my mom's medical books to look at stuff and read what I could understand and I was a small child I was like in kindergarten and then as I got older I still continued to look through the books and read

And then growing up my mom worked in the OR and at the hospital and I would hear all about all the surgeries and stuff and Then She Tell Me like Really fucked up shit about Her work day or She would be talking to a friend on the phone and I would Over Here All of It and I was a little kid but I wasn't stupid

Like little kids do understand what people are saying. I'm sure you know this. I mean when you're a little kid you just don't know how to respond to it like an adult would have vast vocabulary.

Now sometimes I did respond because I did have a big vocabulary for a small child because I like to read and I was around adults mostly growing up I really wasn't allowed around other children too much

And if I was around other children I got bullied and other stuff so my mom just wouldn't let me go places or I just didn't get invited or included so I hung out with the adults or older kids like Jen x

And you know I've seen someone get dragged out of their house onto their front yard and gotten the piss beaten out of them by my best friend because we hung out with Generation x growing up and elder millennials.

And so I grew up you know and it completely different world than my sister everything's politically correct now and I don't really care that much about it like I tried to keep up with it but some of it's just so out of the box wild that it just makes me feel fucking old man

Like I'm starting to understand why older generations fucking hated us when I was a child

Because to me Seeing my sister's generation is quite interesting because the kind of people my sister hangs out with are all about esthetics and kind of trying to show each other app and it seems to be like a creative yet very insecure group of people who do lots of drugs and stupid fucking things and I'm sure that they have fun and good wholesome moments and they do have decent friendships but these are not people she should be hanging around and she would have a much better time if she chose different friends With different social statuses but I can't control any of that

I can't really control anything in my life and I know that

And I'm not trying to control anything I mean my parents blew my phone up today asking me for advice and can you call your sister and talk to her and oh just be gentle with her she's really angry she might explode at you and we don't want her to get any angrier and I'm like why in the fuck are you guys asking me to talk to her because I want to ring her damn neck right now

And it's weird

Like it it's like the time I was bringing her home from school and she just started crying her face off and I had to pull in over at a taco belavel because I thought she was just Hungry angry

And so I got her food but she was still crying and she ate her food and you know she was kind of drawing it up and sniffling and she looked at me and she started crying all over again and she asked me if I was her real mom

And I was shocked

Because my parents had told her she was adopted from a place in Colorado

She was in high school

Like she really thought that I was somehow her birth mother and that I would for some insane reason let my parents adopt her from me because that's how she thought what was going on she thought I was like her biological mother

And I told her that sometimes I wished that I was because I did not like the way that mom and dad parented her

And I told her that no sweetheart I'm not your biological mother. At that point I already knew like everything about her mom because I went online and founder and all that shit. Didn't cross the boundary of speaking to the woman but learned about her mother enough to know that it probably was never a good idea for her and her birth mother to speak 21 another but she's over 18 now and they chat on the phone regularly so I can't do anything about that

But anyway I mean that memory sticks out and my head a lot when she's having problems when she asked if I was her mother and I told her no even if I was for some reason I would never let my parents have her

And I feel like it's my fault that my parents got to adopt her and I feel like she would have had a much better family and a much better life if she had been adopted by a different family

And I never really wanted a sibling.

I never did I told my parents I didn't want one and they told me tough shit that they wanted like 4 more and I was like you guys are too old to adopt in the state of Louisiana so you're literally calling places that will accept older parents

And I told my parents that I needed them and I was having trouble and they claimed that they don't remember this at all whatever kind of always up their own asses and they already are still

But the thing is the social worker who interviewed took me outside away from my parents to me and asked me if my parents were hiding anything or if there was any reason that they should not be allowed to adopt my sister and I had been threatened before that happened so of course I didn't say anything about my parents

When the lady asked me if I wanted a sister or brother I said yes and I truly believed that somehow that would fix my parents from being unhappy and arguing all the time because they would be too focused on a baby to scream at 1 another

But that didn't happen they still fought even with the infant around and I remember screaming at both of them to shut the fuck up because like my mom or dad would be holding my sister or my sister would be in her crib and here them screaming and then she would start to cry And it was horrendous

And they couldn't understand why my sister was so angry as a toddler

Well it's pretty fucking simple she was stressed out and angry her entire life because she was exposed to violent verbal arguments that were incredibly loud and would make any infant freak out

And I'm still really really bothered by the fact that she came over to my apartment with her friends and the guy she got caught fucking in my old bedroom

And like what the fuck

But like why why were her eyes crossing she just told me she was tired that was her excuse and I was like okay but like are you stoned and she was like I'm good bro like she didn't answer the question and I Tried to ask her something else and she did not answer the question then either and I tried to get my mom's attention and I was like hey mom like right in front of Piper but Piper was soooooo out of it she didn't even notice me being like "MOM SHE IS ON SOMETHING"

And my mom didn't respond. She was acting completely out of it.

IT WAS WEIRD

Like my brain is trying so hard to figure out what exactly is going on.

It goes in puzzle detective deep dive mode.

Also my neighbors are currently still outside.

This is trash.

I hope the camera we ordered works because I'm sooooo sick of this shit.

Idk I'm gonna try to sleep if I can.

Fuckin weird days I'm so worn out mentally and physically I'm hurting so bad and that's kicking my ass too.

I really don't know what to do in my appointments except chat right now. I feel far too stressed to focus on myself at home and my goals because it's hard to even cook a meal without hearing SCREAMING for example

I definitely need the appointments. I also need to check with my insurance to see if I can see you more frequently because I need to stabilize and you help and 2x a week for a bit would most likely helpful till we knock it down to onelce a week. But still even if it's allowed it's up to you if you wanna see me 2x a week.

Ok I'm trying to shut up. I really do have this compulsion or constant impulse to keep talking even over text and....I don't think it's only because I don't feel heard or whatever like I've been told and or expressed

I think there's just another factor

You know I cry because I used to not be this way and I remember how I spoke and acted before and I try to do that and I notice that I literally can't

I do get short moments where my brain is silent and I cam speak well and things are fine but then it feels like I can't operate correctly anymore in that way

I'm glad I have no obligation tomorrow.

Well I do need to write the formal letter but still I shouldn't fuckin have to.

I should not have to deal with hateful people so much

Ok enjoy this picture of June my sweetest bestest girl and a very good tiny ESA cat.

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