singularisjournal-blog

[singularisjournal-blog]

1-3-2020

There is such a thing as being too rational for love. I think I embody that. Earlier in December, I broke up with my girlfriend for 7 years. The girl gave me everything I could ever need, she wasn't perfect of course, but she loved me, she still do. She put my needs above everything else, accepted all of my absurdities and carried all of the baggage with me when we started our relationship. After all she's done, I repayed her by breaking up with her. I rationalized everything, told her we've grown apart and that we need to think about the future and how we can better ourselves if we resolved our issues on our own without relying on another person to solve everything for us. I made a speech about how we should focus on our independence and how to find happiness within ourselves without depending it on another individual. I told her how we're stuck and how our relationship had stopped our growth, our maturity as people. I psychoanalized everything and thought of really smart comebacks on every argument she raised. In the end, she told me I was right and she understood, she loves me and she will give me my freedom if that will make me happy. Of course I was right, it was a very rational decision, we really were growing apart. I mean, it wasn't just law schooI that caused the deterioration of the relationship, it was a whole array of issues we kept sweeping under the rug for years. I should be content, except I wasn't. Because even though my rational mind is smug for having proved a point, that same rational mind sees how much damaged it caused for being 'right'. She's sad, she's hurting and couldn't understand how I could throw away our relationship just like that. 'I'm okay but my heart is sad' she tells me tonight. And I can't psychoanalyze my way around that. My overly rational mind couldn't come up with ways to ease her pain. I think I found the girl who will accept me for who I am, love me for what it's worth, and I don't think I will find another who will love me as much. And here I am, writing this, all the while thinking I'm still right. God, I am going to grow old alone, aren't I?

[singularisjournal-blog]

Imposter syndrome is ready to launch in 4, 3, 2..

[singularisjournal-blog]

I decided to start a journal at the dawn of a new decade just to see how speaking out what I'm really thinking would feel. I've never really done this since highschool and I've always keep my thoughts to myself almost all my life. I'm pretty coherent inside my head but once I start speaking nothing make sense, even to me. It's funny and frustrating at the same time. People will find this blog uninteresting but I don't really mind. This just me and my thoughts.