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[sins-of-the-dragon]

I think we deserve a little too, and this art is like an instant smile on the screen~

Click for full res! 🐈

He deserves more joy and whimsy!!! 💖

[sins-of-the-dragon]

Happy Friday and welcome to DADWC! How about: "Please don't leave me" from the Bad Things Happen Bingo prompts for M!Hawke/Anders?

Hi!! Happy Friday! Thank you so so much for the prompt <3 After much waffling on it, I decided to do a little bit of Hawke fearing losing Anders since I haven't done that as much!

Please Don't Leave Me - M!Handers

@dadrunkwriting

TW: Parental death, grieving

Words: 1220+

Tags: Hurt/Comfort, angst

Summary: After losing so much, Hawke doesn't know how to cope with the loss of his mother nor the fear of losing what little he has left. Anders tries his best to comfort him.

Full fic below the cut!

The room was quiet, as it so often was, but on this night it only served to exemplify what was missing. Who was missing. 

The scent of blood was still fresh in his nose, the feeling of rot hadn't left his fingers, nor had the loving tingle where she'd held his hand until hers went limp in his.

Hawke was utterly devastating beyond what he could put to words. 

Anders had long since stopped trying to soothe him with words, instead threading his fingers through Hawke's hair while he laid up against his feather pauldrons. 

It felt wrong, almost, grieving for a mother he'd had the privilege of knowing for nearly three decades while wrapped in the arms of a man who had been denied that right. He knew Anders hadn't meant it that way when he called him lucky, but it stuck like a stone in his chest.

Sharing what he felt was hard, but some things could not be masked with humor. Sometimes things could not even be masked with silence, for as much as he tried. 

"Can I get anything for you?" Anders asked, breaking his long silence. 

After a moment, Hawke shook his head. "No," he said, voice hoarse from disuse and the lump in his throat.

"You're not thirsty? Hungry? You haven't had anything all day." 

Losing a loved one wasn't exactly conducive to an appetite, but he understood Anders's concern all the same.

He shook his head again, though Anders still moved, still slid from beneath him. The sudden absence was like a blow, and he sat up quickly.

"Anders," he called, but he gave him no time to react before he was on his feet and grabbing for him frantically. "Don't. Please don't." His tone came harsher than he'd meant it, and he hated the way Anders tensed up at his tight touch.

Hawke loosened his grip on his arm, but he didnt let go. He couldn't. "I'm sorry, I'm not—I don't mean—"

"Love, I was just going to—" Anders said, soft, gentle, and turned around in his hold.

"Stay," he pleaded, not letting him finish his thought. "I don't need anything else. If you leave I'll just think and I... can't. I can't."

He chastised himself for how childish he sounded, how selfish and demanding. 

He'd blamed himself for his father's death, for Bethany's, for Carver's mishap in the deep roads. He blames himself for denying Marian her last moments with their mother, for squandering them by making Leandra spend her last breaths comforting and reassuring him instead of the other way around. Were she to see him now, she might very well tell him the same.

Yet for all he was able to convince himself he was to blame, he could not stomach the idea of losing Anders's comfort. Of losing Anders, period.

That was what it really came down to. Losing him.

Anders's hand came to rest on his cheek, thumb smoothing over his beard in slow circles. He met Hawke's gaze with a cocked brow as if searching him, looking for a sign that his touch was unwanted or unwarranted. 

"I'm here love," Anders murmured.

There was no judgment, no anger, no impatience. How was he so good? How could anyone be so unreasonably understanding?

Hawke pulled him into a tight embrace and buried his face within his hair. "For how long?" He asked quietly.

"What?"

"I've lost everyone," he whispered. "Mother was supposed to be safe here. Tucked away in the estate, living a comfortable life. But it didn't matter. I couldn't even keep her safe, how am I supposed to protect you? How long until someone gets to you?"

He felt Anders shift within his hold, just enough to bring his lips near his ear.

"I won't lie to you. I can't promise that won't happen. But it won't be because you didn't do everything in your power to protect me. There is no place safe for an apostate, but being with you is the closest thing I've ever had."

While the truth was harsh, he found it preferable to platitudes and unkept promises. Still...

"You could be safer elsewhere. I'm not sure I can protect you or keep you safe," Hawke said. "You deserve better than this."

Anders wrenched himself free of Hawke's hold, and for a moment he feared his words to be misconstrued as rejection or doubt.

He was about to correct himself when Anders faced him with the fainted crooked smirk upon his lips. "I've fed you every line about how you should leave me, find someone better suited to you, how I'll only end up hurting you or worse. But here you are. You're not the only one who's stubborn. I would do anything, endure anything, to keep you at my side."

It was no surprise that Anders would feel the same, not after all they'd seen together, yet somehow it still caught him off guard.

It was strange to be the one needing comfort, he was so accustomed to nights spent wiping tears from pains long past, allaying fears of a future uncertain and, in those simple acts of assurance, finding his own comfort and healing. Now he felt so vulnerable and exposed, caught beneath that sympathetic amber gaze.

"Love?" He spoke again, when Hawke had yet to respond. His hand came to rest on Hawke's jaw, his thumb swiping tears he hadn't meant to let fall.

"Sorry, sorry. Maker, I'm such a mess." Hawke muttered and leaned into his touch.

"You're hurting," Anders said. "And that's okay. You don't have to apologize. I just... I wish there was more I could do. Or say... something. Anything."

Hawke leaned forward until his head was on Anders's chest, listening to the sound of his beating heart. It was so comforting he almost forgot that he'd yet to answer him. "This. You're doing enough."

"If you insist," Anders said, pressing a kiss to the top of his head and carding his fingers through his hair. "Do you... want to lay down? It might help..."

"If you want," Hawke murmured.

"Do you?"

Hawke nodded. "Please."

He stepped back but didn't go far, pulling Hawke in close as he sat on the edge of their shared mattress. He swung his legs up and patted the space beside him where Hawke followed and rested his head upon his chest.

"Can you... stroke my hair again?" He asked quietly. "When I was small, Mother would—"

Warm fingers slid into his hair as if they knew, finding the right rhythm with ease, evoking another time.

"My mother, too," Anders murmured, one of the very few times he'd spoken of his past unprompted.

Hawke scooted up a bit within his arms, burying his face into his neck and bringing his hand up to Anders's hair as well. He loosed it from its tie and ran his fingers there, trying to recreate what had once given him solace and safety.

He knew now why he didn't speak of her, why it had to have been difficult, so painful. But he hoped Anders could feel the love behind the gesture, informed by his own Leandra's loving hand, just as Anders shared with him a touch from long past.

Things weren’t alright, may never be, but they had each other and their ghosts for now, and that was enough.

[sins-of-the-dragon]

Two Sides of a Coin with No Edge - Anders and Fenris Parallels

A little analysis that isn't really that well organised right now but I have plenty of thoughts around how these two are opposite and yet so similar...

More beneath the cut~

Names - Anders never had a name, or he likely doesn’t remember it. What he uses is what was given to him. It has little to no meaning. Fenris gave up his name, and had it replaced with one with meaning. The meaning being almost derogatory, another form of ownership over his identity, but it’s one that eventually he could drop and take his original back when he meets Varania. He could...but no. He's not Leto any more, and can't be. That's lost. As lost as Anders' original name and who he might have been before the magic manifested.

Family - Anders has no way to ever know or track down his family. They're gone, all knowledge of them severed from him. (Unless this is covered in a book or comic I haven't got to yet). Fenris actually has a chance to reunite with his sister Varania, to know more about their mother too, but...he also can't. She's a mage, a symbol of everything he has learned to hate and fear from years of pain. How could he resume that connection?

Safety - Anders is being hunted. He’s always going to be hunted. The phylactery can track him, and if not he can likely be traced by what he’s done, where he goes. Even when the Wardens mean he can stop being pursued as an apostate, leaving them means getting chased down for that instead. Fenris is also being hunted. He has been for a long time…but once Danarius is gone, he’s free. He has an out.

Persecution - As a mage, Anders has always had that prejudice towards him. But in other ways he could blend in if he wanted to. He’s human, he could choose not to use magic once he has control over it and wear less obvious robes. He could potentially hide properly. Not that he would given who he is, but the option is there. Fenris will always be an elf, and his tattoos can’t be hidden. They’re going to mark him apart even from other elves. He was born in a place where not only was he going to be a second class citizen from day 1 as elves are across most of Thedas, but most of his people are enslaved too.

Control - Both of them have little control over the powers that are bound to them, even though both chose it. Fenris might not remember, but it is clear he made a decision to have the lyrium bound to him. Just like Anders chose to bring Justice into himself. They both show that emotions can bring out those abilities or that side of them. Fenris glows with his rage just as much as Justice comes to the fore when Anders is in a strong emotional state or faced with certain situations.

Emotions - They are also both highly emotional people. Anders shows more of the swings back and forth, with all kinds of emotions felt more strongly than most people - whether that is how quickly and deeply he falls in love, or how furious he becomes with injustice. His emotions are at the fore, strong, powerful, because that’s how he is, who he is. Fenris on the other hand struggles more purely with anger, frustration, and a very violent reaction to certain situations and people. He doesn’t allow himself to feel close to people easily because that might be a weakness someone can use against him. It takes him a lot to hold back from hurting Varania when he hears about his past, and he’s clearly still struggling with anger even after Danarius is gone.

Forgiveness - Both of them have a strong sense of justice, just aimed in different directions. Anders has felt the oppression of being a mage and everything that goes with that for most of his life. Fenris has felt the same but the source of that has been mages. Anders can’t forgive the Templars any more than Fenris can let go of his fear/hate of magic. They both know and eventually accept there can be good people on the other side, but it takes them a long time to get to that point. And neither can forgive the society that enabled their persecution.

They have so much in common but they can never see it, never truly reconcile. Anders sees someone who is determined to oppress his people, who only believes them to be dangerous and violent, who thinks the only way to prevent harm is to lock them all up and control them even if they’re innocent. Fenris sees someone who wants to unleash danger on the world, to let criminals and enslavers run wild and free to use people like him for their own power, who wants to set every mage free without supervision, inviting abominations to destroy everything good and precious in the world.

By design they can never see eye to eye, even the most determined therapist would concede they both have too much pain to reconcile as acquaintances.

Two sides of the same coin with no way to balance on the edge.

--- That's about all the thoughts I have in me for now~

[sins-of-the-dragon]

Catharsis: Nightmare Fading - Short DA2 Fic (Reader Comfort) 1,642 Words

This is a re-imagining of a short fic piece I wrote for BG3. It's not really a fic story as much as it is a way to cope with traumatic memories through the medium of fiction and reframing memories/reality into something less painful. It's written in second person (you/your) with a non-descript gender neutral reader character. So this is your CONTENT WARNING - There is discussion of a traumatic incident. It is vague, there are no details of anything happening besides it being an incident with one or more people involved. The premise, in short, is that the characters of Dragon Age 2 have found a way to our world through The Fade and are turning up at the moment the reader needs them most. The hurt is vague but the comfort is the focus, with a view of "what would the characters say and do in this situation".

The original piece, Catharsis: Rewriting History (based on the characters from Baldur's Gate 3) is on AO3 here and has a very similar premise and vibe to it. This one isn't on AO3 yet, I'm still deciding whether I make a pseud for my account to write more Dragon Age or if I stick to may main fandom fics for now and just post a few odd DA musings here with a minific or two. Let me know, really, if you'd like more of my DA works~

Anyway, full fic below the cut. --- ---

Catharsis: Nightmare Fading It wasn’t fair. Life never was, perhaps, that you would come to know experiences like this. Pain you wished you couldn’t imagine - in your body or your soul, you couldn’t even tell. Perhaps it was both, your entire consciousness dissolving beyond physical and emotional agony to just focus on one thing and one thing alone. Live.

The air shimmered and crackled behind you, but with everything in front of you your mind was already seeking an escape from reality. You didn’t notice a thing until there was a short and muscular man carrying an impossibly large crossbow standing in front of you. “Sorry I’m not good at this kind of thing. But I’m here, and so are the rest of them. We can talk later.” He glanced back, the soft hint of a smile crossing his features before he turned back to the source of your pain. 

You blinked, unsure of what you’d seen, when you felt strong arms scoop you up, holding you tight against a broad chest. “Sorry I’m late, it’s not easy to navigate the Fade to cross worlds.” 

“They don’t need to worry about all that right now - are they alright?” A feminine voice this time. Chancing a glance at their faces, you saw they had to be related, maybe even twins. Even the red stripe of what you hoped was makeup across the bridge of their noses matched - they really were like two versions of the same person.

A woman in heavy armour stepped past the three of you, her face kind but hardened, ginger hair tied back in a neat but loose braid falling over her shoulder. “They will be.” She addressed you directly next, voice softening. “This won’t make sense right now, but someday it will. You can trust us, and don’t let anyone tell you to turn the page before you’re ready.” The woman turned away again, gripping her sword more tightly and striding forwards. 

Before you could gain your bearings again, you felt a wave of energy wash through you. Cooling, soothing, your body felt…better than it had in a very long time. “There you are.” A new voice, light and almost musical but with the edge of a weight behind it that told you he carried burdens of his own. “I’m so sorry, I should’ve…we should’ve been here.”

“We are here, or have you taken leave of the last of your senses in the Fade?” A gruffer voice spoke up, both men coming into view now. Something about them was familiar, tugging at your heart, pulling threads of memories that had yet to form. They looked at each other with animosity, but when they turned back to you… “Venhedis… You need to leave. What comes next is not for you to witness.” The tanned man was covered in lines of white tattoos that were beginning to faintly glow blue.

“Perhaps mercy might be an option?” The one holding you spoke again, but his words spurred a simple and wordless response. You shook your head. He squeezed you just slightly in his embrace as he acknowledged your decision. “Maybe not then. They’ve made their choice.”

You almost recoiled as the sharp edges of the tattooed man’s gauntlet reached towards you, but the pained look in his eyes mirrored your own. Perhaps if roles were reversed… The metal was cold, but his touch against your cheek was surprisingly gentle. “I will be back for you, when it’s over.” With that, he turned to leave, the light emanating from his tattoos glowing even through his armour. 

“You never deserved this. Not a single moment.” The other man who had been beside the tattooed warrior bent towards you, long blonde hair almost completely veiling your vision for a moment as he kissed your forehead. “I can’t promise you peace…” His voice seemed to change, taking on a slightly different tone as a subtle lightning crackled around his eyes. “But I can promise you Justice.” 

As he turned to leave, sparks playing around his fingertips with his raised hand, the man holding you turned too. The woman with you gestured towards a shimmering hole in reality, a green tinted world beyond, and a man in white armour with vivid red hair and bright blue eyes standing beside it. “It’s time to leave.”

You leaned more against the one carrying you, his ‘twin’ staying close and occasionally putting a hand on your shoulder. Risking a glance at the strange world around you, there were two women standing nearby waiting for your arrival. “Telanadas, ma vhenan. Come, with us.” The tattoos across her face were almost as endearing as her smile as she began to lead the way.

“Maybe you should leave the navigation to someone with a better compass.” The other woman turned her by the shoulders to face another pass. “Would you two mind being a bit quicker? This place is creepy…” 

—

A short time later you were in an unfamiliar room, a fireplace heating the area and lighting it with a welcoming glow. It was clearly a part of some large mansion, and though you’d never seen it before, there was something about it that felt like…home. The group with you sat you down on a large plush couch near the hearth, giving you a steaming mug of something that tasted smooth and soothing. They were a strange group. By the time the others joined. They told you stories - ones that you wouldn’t remember, but each word drove back the dark shadows trying to crowd into your mind. Softened the edges of the memories already trying to claw at you every time you blinked… 

Listening to them, watching them together, it was hard to understand what brought them all to the same place, the same cause. But the pair sat either side of you seemed like the common thread…or was it you? The shorter blonde man, who kept his crossbow close even while relaxing, was the best storyteller by far - if you were to rank them. He spoke of worlds, people, things you could hardly imagine. He also had a good many jokes, humour and wit shared by several of the others in the room. It felt like you knew them, their past, present, and futures all blending in your mind but never quite clear - it was like an impressionist painting, a mosaic half faded… The other blonde talked about cats a lot. You could almost imagine him with little cat ears on his head, but every now and then his voice sounded more serious as he spoke with you. More sincere as he asked deeper questions, a little blue lightning sparking in the depths of his eyes when he tried to comfort you with talk of what was right and just. There was little justice in the reality you left, but here…here you could almost believe him when he said he would move the stars in the sky to change your world if he could. 

Despite their arguing before, the white haired man with the tattoos over his body agreed on that point alone. His support held an anger to it, a ferocity that would have scared you had it not been abundantly clear that he meant it all to be protective. Not exactly the knight in shining armour that the fairy tales spoke of, but he understood…he had seen…he was not without sympathy for your tears. Even if his solutions leaned towards the violent. 

The dark haired woman with the tattoos on her face brought you some food, things you’d never tasted before, sweet and comforting. Every time you thanked her she almost glowed at the praise, her demeanour nothing short of adorable. When she asked if she could hug you, you worried for a moment that she might never let go as her grip was so tight and warm around you. One of the other women chided her though, reminding her to let you breathe.

All of their names escaped you, as if there were a layer between you that you couldn’t quite break down, but it didn’t seem to matter. While one told you tales of a wild and exciting life at sea, another told you of her dreams to settle down peacefully with someone she loved. The red haired man with his piercing blue eyes seemed most unsure of himself, but he was clear that no matter what path you chose to walk he would support it. 

For those hours, everything melted away. Fear, pain, every darkness of the world you left was chased away by the light around you, the warmth that closed in around you like a blanket. The last thing you heard before sleep claimed you was two voices speaking almost as one person. 

“Someday you’ll be making a lot of hard decisions for us…for me… They’re too hard for me to make alone, and Maker knows I’d rather not have to choose some of them at all. But I know…I know you will guide me in the best way you know how. That you will tell my story, and my companions’ too, that none of us will be alone with you watching over us. So, until you meet us all again, that’s what we will do for you.” 

Even their faces were blurring together as one in your mind, the slight pressure of their arms around you from either side melding into the feeling of the tangled sheets and blankets of your bed as the last of their words faded into a soft echo. 

“When the shadows are dark and the nights are long, we will be your light.” “When the fear from the past comes to claim you, we will fight it.” 

“When all hope seems to be out of reach, we will help you find it.” “Better days will come. Hold on, you’re not alone.”

— --- ENDING NOTES --- --- This one goes out to everyone who can in any way relate. We can try to reframe our memories into something less painful, to bring our minds back from the edge of a spiral or flashback in whatever ways work for us. Please always remember, loves, that you have survived all of your worst days up to now. Get through one moment at a time if you need to, and things will get better again. And even whilst they are awful in the moment, Hawke was right: You're not alone.

[sins-of-the-dragon]

Anders Identity Angst

"I am nameless but for a place I've left." "I am a Mage, resisting." "I am free, running." "I am a Warden, fighting." "I am a refuge, protecting." (saving Justice) "I am a healer, hiding." "I am hope, planning." "I am the key to a door that must be opened, one that can never close again."

New side blog for a little Dragon Age content, thanks to a new spark in an older hyperfocus~ Starting it off with some thoughts about Anders and his identity...there might be essay posts in the future. For now...this will do.